


Attack of the Blues

by AOO



Category: Ylvis
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Wives No Kids, Angst, Brother Feels, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, possible depictions of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-01-10 12:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 108,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOO/pseuds/AOO
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Ylvis brothers are caught up in the chaos that a second viral video has created. With too many people pulling them in too many different directions, it begins to effect their relationship. Will they be able to keep it together or will internal and external crises pull them apart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Time Left For You

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously, this is a work of fiction - with fictional characters - none of it has happened - ever.

Bård had been tired for days, weeks really.  There just didn’t seem to be enough time for rest with the TV show and rehearsals for the new stage show and now this unending stream of interviews brought about largely by the success of their newest song. As much as he was happy for their success, and the possibilities that this second viral hit seemed to be bringing, it was all too much at one time.

 

Last year had been so crazy when The Fox hit the internet. They'd had their TV show to deal with as well as so many requests for appearances and interviews. Everyone at the show pitched in and helped while they ran off on weekends to do appearances. It was demanding but it was exciting and they kept telling themselves, this won’t last for long so we might as well make the most of it. But this time was crazier. This new viral video, and all the attention that came with it, seemed to be changing everything.

 

Who would have thought that another one of their songs would totally take off? And that it could happen again so soon? Certainly they hadn't thought it was possible, so it had seemed safe to start preparing for a new stage show while they were working on the 4th season of their TV show.  Now it was happening again: all the requests for interviews, the foreign press, the desire for them to make appearances - often halfway around the world.

 

The staff was still trying to pitch in, but they were tired of it and much less enthusiastic. So he and Vegard were trying to work even harder to keep everything going and everyone on staff happy. They loved doing everything they got to do on this show and they didn’t want to mess that up by paying too little attention to it or by losing the staff that they’d worked so hard to gather.

 

With all this new pressure and the demands on their time, the brothers rarely spent time together, even at work.  Obviously, he saw Vegard. In fact he could often see him through the glass that separated their offices.  They were technically together ALL THE TIME. However, most of the time they had to divide the tasks between themselves in order to get it all done. Bård hadn’t realized, until recently, how much of their work time used to kind of double as time that they hungout together.

 

There was no time for that anymore. Period. Any time that wasn’t spoken for with a meeting or an interview was taken up with rehearsal.  It seemed like everytime he tried to just talk to Vegard he got shot down. “Not now, Bård.” How many times had he heard that over the last month? “Not now, Bård. We’ve got to ...fill in the blank.” It was as if his new name was NotnowBård. He felt kind of embarrassed, a little foolish really, to have these feelings. He didn’t think of himself as being needy, and certainly not needy of Vegard’s attention. But part of what made them work was their relationship, their closeness, and he felt like they were losing that.

 

And then there was the other thing. _If only I could to talk to Vegard about how I've been feeling... just... well...depressed. No, I shouldn’t call it depressed. I'm just tired, I guess. Sometimes I find it so hard to get through the day. I'm not sure what I think he could do for me, and it doesn’t really matter anyway, because I’m pretty far down the list of who Vegard has time for right now._

 

This morning he had tried to talk to Vegard, but his schedule was already booked up with meetings and when he asked him to lunch, Vegard said that he had planned to ask Calle out for lunch. Even when he hadn't already made plans, it seemed like he didn't have time for Bård. This had been going on for weeks and he was weary of it. Once again, he decided to try to deal with it himself.

 

After lunch, Bård had to handle a few more magazine interviews and then it was time for rehearsal for the taping of their show tomorrow. He felt like curling up in a corner and sleeping until February, but managed to hit the stage and act as if everything were normal.  As soon as they were done he slipped out of the studio and tried to leave. That was when he remembered that Vegard had given him a ride to work.  

 

He didn't think he could stand to talk to one more person, not even Vegard, right now. He told an intern to tell Vegard that he'd find his own way home and sought some solitude upstairs in his office. There was no one else up there now. Most of the lights were off but there was enough light to walk around, particularly once your eyes adjusted.  He went in his office, sat at his desk and just closed his eyes. He wished he could just disappear.

 

Vegard had just finished discussing rehearsal with a couple of staff people when the intern came up to him with the message. He thought it was odd. They usually left at the same time. If one of them had something they needed to finish the other would stick around to keep him company or, more likely, to help him finish. Vegard decided to check on Bård.  

 

He looked all over the studio and he tried calling Bård’s phone but there was no answer. He decided to check up in their office. When he stepped off the elevator, the floor seemed eerily quiet and totally deserted. Still he thought he might as well look around. As he approached Bård’s office it appeared to be empty but then when he got closer he could see the outline of Bård sitting in his chair with his head in his hands.  By the time he reached the doorway he could hear very quiet sobs. He froze. Obviously Bård had wanted to be alone. He wondered if he should leave, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn't just ignore him. Vegard entered the office and quietly walked around the desk to Bård. He crouched down and put his hands on Bård's arms. "What's wrong?" He asked gently.  

 

Bård was startled. "What are you doing here? Get out!"

 

Now it was Vegard’s turn to be a little startled. "What? "

 

"Just go away! Leave me alone!” Bård almost sounded angry. 

 

Vegard could hear the pain in Bård's voice. "Can't I just stay here with you?", he asked. “We don't have to talk.”

 

"Go away."  Bård repeated.  But now he sounded more broken than angry. Vegard put his arms around him. He spoke softly into the dark blonde hair, “Shhh. It's ok. It's going to be ok.” Bård tried to resist, but he was so sad and having Vegard there was so comforting. It wasn’t too long before he put his arms around Vegard as well. Vegard rubbed circles on his back and every so often he would squeeze him a little tighter. Bård just sobbed in Vegard's arms for a long time.

 

Vegard didn’t know if he should say anything. He had said they didn’t have to talk, but he couldn’t stand Bård being so upset.  _I wish I knew what was wrong so I could help. But I’m afraid if I say anything he’ll tell me to go away again, and that would be worse. At least right now I can try to comfort him._  

 

Eventually, he couldn’t stop himself. It was almost involuntary. He heard himself talking again. “What’s wrong Bård? Please talk to me.” Bård didn’t pull away, which was good, but he didn’t answer either.

 

 _What do I say, I miss you? That sounds so childish. I’m not even sure what it is exactly, although having you here right now does help. I’ve felt so alone. I don’t think I can do this alone anymore._ Finally, he quietly answered, “I just never get to talk to you.”

 

Vegard wanted to argue that point, they were together almost every waking hour right now, but he thought better of it. He waited for more but Bård seemed to be crying a little more again, as if talking about it had made it worse. After another minute or two he felt Bård’s back suddenly stiffen.

 

“Look, nevermind, it’s stupid. Just leave me alone.” Bård let go and pushed away from Vegard.

 

“I didn’t say it was ...it’s **_not_** stupid.” Vegard wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t really like Bård to want more time with him.

 

Pushing his chair a little farther away, he stood up and moved away from Vegard, towards the door. “I’ll just get ready to go."

 

Vegard’s eyes followed him as he made his way to the restroom. Then he sat down with a sigh into the chair that Bård had just left. He decided to try to be more available to Bård. 

 

Bård came back, looking pretty pulled together. Vegard later wished he had been more observant of that. Of just how well Bård could fake feeling normal. But he was so good at it that he could even fool Vegard, at least some of the time. Even though Bård had been crying a few minutes earlier, Vegard thought that he was feeling better now. _Maybe he’s just tired. I know I am._


	2. Chapter 2

Vegard was unsure about what had happened back in the office, but Bård was acting like he felt better now. They talked a little about their plans for tomorrow and Bård seemed fine. He made a couple of jokes and laughed, he appeared to be focused on what they needed to get done.  

 

Vegard had to believe that all the excessive demands on their time had caused Bård to break down. When he stopped in front of Bård’s house, he turned off the car and faced Bård .“You do know that all you have to do is ask if you need help.”

 

Bård tensed a bit. “What do you mean?”

 

“Well, if you need me to take an interview for you or ...anything. I know you’ve ended up with more of the in-depth interviews than I have and that they’ve taken more of your time. Don’t wait ‘til you’re overwhelmed, talk to me.”

 

“Oh, ok.” Vegard was studying his face. Feeling like he had dodged a bullet, Bård decided to make a quick exit.

 

Before he was quite out of the car, Vegard reached out and caught his arm. “I’ll pick you up in the morning?”

 

“Sure, see you in the morning.” Bård closed the car door and walked up to his house, noticing that Vegard waited until he had unlocked his door. Once inside, he took off his jacket and shoes and turned on the TV. He changed the channel to a cooking show with a female chef whose voice always soothed him.

 

Then he made his way into the kitchen. He didn’t bother turning the kitchen lights on, so it was only lit from the one lamp he had turned on in the living room and the glow of the TV. When he opened his fridge, he was reminded that he hadn’t been to the grocery store in a long time. There was a half empty bottle of milk that he was sure was past its expiration date, but that he just hadn’t been wanting to deal with. There was some lingonberry jam that his mother had brought the last time she had visited. It was mostly gone, but he might be able to scrape a little more out of the bottom of the jar. Too bad he didn’t have any bread. Everything in the very sparse cooler was either past it’s prime or something he never liked in the first place. Why did his family insist on trying to get him to eat better?

 

Sighing, he pulled out a beer. He considered getting a glass, it always tasted better in a glass, but those were on the other side of the kitchen and he was just too tired. In fact, he felt too tired to walk back into the living room so he just leaned his back against the wall and slid down to the floor. Eyes closed, he leaned his head against the wall and listened to Chef Tina go on about how to find a really good fishmonger. Somehow he wasn’t very hungry, so he decided not to worry about dinner. While he savored his beer he thought of one thing: going to bed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning Bård awoke with a start. Vegard was in his bedroom, shaking his shoulder. He had no idea what was going on at first. Were they in a hotel room? No. This was his house right? Yes. What was Vegard doing here?

 

“I’ve been waiting outside for ten minutes. You didn’t answer your phone. I started to wonder if you were even here so I decided to come in.” Bård had given Vegard a spare set of keys in case of emergency. He picked up his phone and saw that it was on mute. “The ringer’s off.”

 

“Well, yeah. Thanks, Sherlock. I kind of figured that one out myself. What about your alarm clock, or was that on mute too?”

 

Bård looked at his alarm clock like he was wondering how it could have betrayed him. It was set to the right time, but either it hadn’t gone off, or it had gone off and he just didn’t remember. “I don’t know,” he mumbled.

 

Vegard wanted to be annoyed, but he had always found it entertaining to watch Bård when he was this groggy. Bård checked his phone again, looking at it as if it held the answer to life’s mysteries. Starting to chuckle, Vegard sat down on the edge of the bed and said, “Hey, Sleepy. The answer’s not on your phone.” He gently took the phone out of his brother’s hand and set it back on the nightstand. “Are you ok? How late did you stay up?”

 

Bård didn’t know how late he had stayed up. He had been exhausted, but once he’d gone to bed he couldn’t fall asleep. He knew he’d been awake at 3:30, he wasn’t sure after that.

 

“Bård?” Vegard was beginning to wonder if Bård was really awake at all. He’d barely said two words to him.

 

Bård managed to look him in the eye, even though he really didn’t want to do that. He was afraid that if he looked at Vegard then all of the crap that he’d been feeling would be right out in the open. “Yeah?”

 

“What time did you go to bed?”

 

Now that was an easier question. “I went to bed at 11:00.”

 

“Then why are you so tired?”

 

Bård rubbed his face with his hands. If he didn’t want to talk about this, he knew he needed to jump out of bed and look alive. “I don’t know. I must have been in a deep sleep. I’m awake now. I’ll get up.” He gave Vegard a little push to move him off of the bed and then got to his feet to prove to Vegard that he was awake and was getting up. “Do you want to wait for me?” He ran his hands through his hair in an attempt get it out of his face. “No, I suppose you need to go,” he said, quietly to himself.

 

Vegard did have a phone interview scheduled for that morning, but he felt like he’d rather wait. After last night he was a little worried about Bård, although he did seem to be alright now, just sleepy. He was never that great about getting up on time. Vegard looked at the time on his phone. “I do kind of need to get going. I’m doing a phone interview with a German magazine at 9:00. Do you think you can make it to the office on your own?”

 

“Ha, ha. I think I can manage.” Bård turned and started walking away.

 

“Ok. See ya later.” He found himself talking to Bård’s back. He hadn’t really meant to irritate him.  

 

“Yeah.”

 

Vegard watched as he disappeared into his bathroom, thinking that Bård just needed a shower and some coffee to feel more like himself.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as he had arrived at the office, Bård was pulled into a meeting with a network representative. The network higher-ups were concerned that he and Vegard were spending too much time on non-IKMY related activities. _Where is Vegard? Wasn’t he supposed to be in on this too?_ Bård did his best to reassure the man, who had introduced himself as Jakob, that they had everything under control. “Look we are here twelve... fourteen hours a day, sometimes longer. And when we’ve gone out of town we’ve been on the phone with our staff almost non-stop.” _You already know how busy I am. Why do you want to stress me out more with this meeting? Asshole!_ “Have you noticed a drop in the quality of the show?”

 

Jakob was new at TVNorge. Bård and Vegard had been there for a while and had dealt with almost everyone before, so he wasn’t sure why they would send this newbie to talk to them. “Well, no. The point would be to prevent that from happening. You know, once viewership starts declining it can be next to impossible to recover. So, if we wait until you start half-assing it and begin to lose viewers, we might as well fold up the tent and go home.” _Half-assing it? Had Jakob actually said that to him? Is that why they sent him?_

 

“But you don’t have any specific complaints about the show right now?” Bård did his best not to let on how angry he was.

 

“Just the fact that you and Vegard are taking off for long weekends in the States and...what is it next? Japan? Is that right?”

 

“Japan isn’t for a couple more weeks. I think we’ll be around here until then.” He knew they were scheduled for an interview in London before then, but that hardly counted. They might not even stay overnight.

 

“Well, we’re not happy right now. You should know that. Not only are we concerned that your viewership might slip, but it has caused added strain on TVNorge.”

 

His eyebrows raised incredulously. “Added strain? I don’t see how that could be. And if anything…”

 

Jakob cut him off. “We are receiving much more correspondence regarding you two than we ever have before. We’ve had to hire someone just to monitor it all, the good and the bad.”

 

“Still, I would think that the popularity of this video could only be good for TVNorge too.” The entire time Bård was talking, Jakob was shaking his head dismissively.

 

“Well, maybe. But because of your popularity we’ve had to add more security for the tapings. Every person we have to add to our staff makes this show a bit less profitable.”

 

“Look I know our numbers are up, even from last year. That’s got to be reflected in advertising revenues.” He couldn’t believe how this guy could spin things.

 

“All I know is that this could very well be the last season of your show if you’re not careful.”

 

A chill ran down his spine. How could this jerk even say that? “We are very concerned about the quality of our show.” Was he really threatening to cancel their show? “Believe me, this is our top priority. This is our baby, we’re not going to let anything ruin our show.”

 

Jakob’s expression indicated that he still was not satisfied, but he seemed to have run out of complaints and threats….for now. “Thanks for your time, Bård. I’ll let you get back to work.” He stood up and stuck out his hand, Bård had to force himself to respond appropriately. He really didn’t want to shake the guy’s hand, but that was part of the price that had to be paid to do this show. You had to be good at sucking up to all the people who thought they knew everything about putting on a show, but who had never done one.

 

Jakob turned to go just as Vegard was coming in. ”I’m so sorry I’m late. I…”

 

Bård shook his head slightly and shot him a look that said: If your next sentence is ‘I got stuck in an interview’ I’m going to hit you!

 

“...I mean... we were having a meeting about a new segment and I just lost track of time.” Vegard smiled his sincerest smile and shook Jakob’s hand in a way that seemed to convey disappointment that he had missed out on spending time with Jakob. As Bård had seen so many times before, the rep seemed to relax just a bit and started chatting with Vegard almost as if they were old friends. Bård fought hard not to roll his eyes and to maintain his neutral expression.

 

Finally, Jakob decided to leave and the love fest was over. Bård turned and collapsed into one of the meeting room chairs. “Where were you?”

 

“I got stuck in an interview.” Vegard kept his voice low, just in case.

 

“Thank God you didn’t tell him that!” Bård was leaning his head back, eyes closed.

 

“I know. Thanks for that evil eye you gave me. I wasn’t sure if you were telling me not to mention the interview or if you were trying to tell me he had a gun and I should run.” Vegard broke into a real smile.

 

That made Bård laugh. “I think if he’d had a gun he would have been less scary.”

 

“I’m sorry you got stuck doing that meeting alone with him .” Vegard searched Bård’s face for an indication of whether or not he was upset.

 

“Yes... well... try to keep in mind that you are much better at stroking their egos than I am. You need to be here.”

 

“You could do that too, you choose not to.” Vegard knew that Bård was very capable of pouring on the charm in certain situations.

 

“Well...maybe. Regardless, he looked so happy after talking to you. Like a little girl who wanted to skip off, hand in hand, to a picnic with you.” Vegard snorted out a laugh.  “Before you got here he was threatening to cancel our show.”

 

“What? Why? What do you mean?”

 

“Well, not today. Just if things went bad...or maybe if he felt like things might go bad, I’m not sure. He didn’t have any real complaints about the show. He’s unhappy that we’re so busy. I tried to let him know we had everything under control. I told him how many hours we spend here. And I told him…”

 

Vegard put his hand on Bård’s shoulder. “I’m sure you did just fine. There’s nothing else we can tell them.” He sat down next to Bård. “Try not to let him get to you. As long as we keep doing a good job with the show, they’ll be happy.”

 

Bård took a deep breath and tried to calm down. He didn't want Vegard to see how much Jakob had gotten to him.

 

“Bård? Did you hear me?”

 

“If we do a good show, they’ll be happy.”

 

“No, after that. I said we should….” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Are you ok?”

 

“Yes, of course.” He was speaking with his everything’s fine voice and had changed his face to match.

 

Vegard looked satisfied with that answer. “Ok. Good. I’ve got some things I need to do. I guess we both do.” Vegard patted his arm and stood up to go.

 

Bård felt like he needed a nap already. Just the one meeting had taken a lot out of him. He forced himself out of the chair and headed to his office.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the day Bård felt like he was in a fog. He kept to his schedule, all his meetings and a phone interview, the problem was he had no idea afterwards what had happened or what he’d said. He hoped he hadn’t said something that would come back to bite him.

 

He sat in the dressing room, staring at himself in the mirror, thinking about his meeting with the network rep earlier that day. _That guy was such a prick. ‘You better watch out, we might cancel your show.’ It’s almost like they don’t want us to be too successful._ Something moved in the mirror and brought him back to the moment.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Vegard had been standing behind Bård and watching him for a minute.

 

“Nothing.” Vegard made a face. “What? Why’d you give me that look?”

 

“Well you don’t have to tell me, but don’t lie to me.” Vegard came over and sat next to him.

 

“Ok, I was thinking about that network rep. That’s all.” Bård looked down at the script he had been going over, not really wanting to make eye contact.

 

“I thought you weren’t going to worry about him.”

 

“I think that was you.” Bård forced a laugh at his own joke. “No, I’m not worried...I just …” He stopped and took a deep breath. “No, you’re right. It doesn’t make sense to worry about it.”

 

Calle knocked on the dressing room door and entered without waiting for a response. “Hey, what’s going on outside?”

 

“‘Hi’ to you too, Calle!” Bård was glad to change the subject.

 

“There are extra security people out there. I had to submit to a strip search before they’d let me in here.”

 

The brothers looked at each other and lost it. Bård struggled to get his response out between giggles. “You had to, or you just took your clothes off?”

 

Vegard almost fell off his chair. “Yeah, Calle. I’m sure nobody wanted to see that!”

 

Calle tried to look insulted but he was smiling at the sight of the brothers laughing so hard. Vegard’s eyes were watering uncontrollably. “Fine. Slight exaggeration, but they did question me and insist on seeing my TVNorge ID.”

 

Bård raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? Before or after you took off your clothes?” Vegard started giggling again. “I mean it’s pretty damn unreasonable to ask for your ID then, where would you keep it?” Bård paused for less than a second. “Wait!! Don’t tell me!”

 

When Vegard and Bård had mostly stopped giggling, Calle continued. “Seriously, what gives? Do you guys think you’re rock stars now?”

 

Vegard straightened his tie in the mirror. “I don’t know. TVNorge is concerned that someone might do something…”

 

Bård interrupted. “Cut off a lock of Vegard’s hair.”

 

“...or that people will get out of hand.”

 

“Rush the stage.” Bård interjected.

 

Struggling for an explanation, Vegard smiled at Bård, and then continued . “I think it’s goofy.”

 

“Maybe some teenage girls want to kidnap you, Vegard.” Bård was having fun with this. “That **_would_** be goofy.”

 

Familiar with being interrupted, Vegard continued without missing a beat, “We live in Norway, people aren’t going to get that excited about seeing us.”

 

Bård took one last look in the mirror.“Yeah, they seem to be most excited about other people wanting to see us - or about other people wanting to see anyone from Norway for that matter.” Bård stood up and put his suit coat on. “Did they really give you a hard time, Calle?”

 

“Yes.” Sometimes it was difficult to tell when Calle was serious because he could deadpan better than anyone.

 

“Good. That’s what we pay them for.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The show went well. It was probably the best one so far this season. Bård had been totally on tonight, and when he was on everyone else seemed to have a better show as well. Being on stage always energized Bård, so all of the exhaustion from earlier seemed to have disappeared.

 

After the show, and the obligatory meet and greet with the audience, Bård and Vegard walked back to their dressing room together. Vegard was feeling good about the way the show had gone and was also feeling better about Bård. Bård had been sharp and funny, and he had stuck around afterwards to talk to people. Obviously, he’d gotten over whatever was bothering him last night. “Good show tonight.” He patted Bård on the shoulder.

 

“Yeah, you too.” Bård was still feeling pumped, still feeling some of the adrenaline rush that always hit him on stage. If anyone had asked him at the moment how he felt, he could have honestly said that he felt great.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Less than an hour later he stood by the counter in his kitchen with a beer in his hand, staring at his phone, wondering if he should call Vegard. He felt well enough because of his post-performance buzz that he thought he could discuss how he’d been feeling. He’d already been standing there thinking about it for ten minutes. Taking a big breath, he set down the beer and picked up his phone.

 

When he pulled up Vegard’s number, he smiled at the photo he had chosen to link to his brother’s name. He particularly liked it because it was a private photo that no one else had seen, one he had taken of Vegard when they were on a holiday. Vegard looked very tanned and relaxed. For some reason, when Bård had shown it to Vegard, he hadn’t liked his expression in the photo and had tried to grab Bård’s phone out of his hand to erase it. They’d been sitting out by a pool in the middle of the afternoon and there’d been a lot of people around. When Vegard reached out to grab the phone, Bård had been ready to defend the picture with his life. Vegard, realizing it would have turned into a wrestling match and being the one who was more concerned about causing a scene, had decided to let it go. Bård knew that there had been plenty of opportunities for Vegard to erase the picture since then, but he hadn’t.

 

He set the phone back down, debating whether this was really necessary. _Certainly, I should be able to deal with this myself… but Vegard already knows something is wrong... I don’t feel so bad right now… but I do feel alone…._ He picked up the phone again. His finger hovered over the call button for what seemed like forever. The debate in his head went back and forth. He set the phone back down. There was an ache in his chest. He really didn’t want to be a disappointment to Vegard.

 

His fingers were nervously drumming on the counter. Quickly he picked up the phone having decided that he should send a text. A text would be good, he wouldn’t have to hear Vegard’s voice. He wouldn’t be able to hear if Vegard thought he was just weak or whiney, or if he was worried about what it might mean to their careers. It would give Vegard a chance to figure out what he wanted to say. He wrote the text, carefully editing it so that it said enough, but didn’t give away everything.

 

All that was left to do was to send it. Just push send. It was so simple. And then it would be out in the open. Out in the open.

 

Out…

 

in…

 

the open.

 

He stared at the text for a few more minutes. He sighed. _I don’t know if I actually need to tell him right now. We’ve got so much going on. Is that even fair? Should I really give him one more thing to worry about? And do I even feel that bad?_ He held the phone and studied it. His hands felt sweaty and were shaking a bit.

  
His post-performance buzz was beginning to fade, but he still felt well enough that he was able to convince himself that maybe he was getting better. (He tried to ignore the little voice telling him that it was a lie.) _I don’t feel like I felt last night. I might as well wait. How dumb would that be to upset Vegard when I feel so much better? He’s been under a lot of pressure, too._ Bård erased the text and set the phone down. There was a momentary feeling of relief, followed by a much longer lasting, sickening feeling in his stomach, reminding him that he was still alone. He grabbed his beer and collapsed on the couch.


	3. Chapter 3

Bård was sitting at his desk trying to finish up a skit idea before going home. It had been exactly a week since he had broken down in his office and sometime in the middle of the sleepless night that had followed, he had decided not to talk to Vegard about his problems anymore. He had almost reversed that decision the next day, after they’d taped their show, but hadn’t felt that inclination since. He was glad he hadn’t called Vegard, not because he was feeling better (he wasn’t) but because Vegard still hadn’t mentioned anything about that night. Not a word. He felt completely embarrassed by the crying and by what he had said. He was pretty sure that Vegard had thought he was being ridiculous.The more time that passed without Vegard saying anything, the harder it became to think of talking to him again.

 

Figuring it out on his own seemed to be the best, and maybe the only, choice. So he had decided to stop trying to talk to Vegard at all. At first he felt good about that decision. It made him feel like he had some control over something and with all the craziness in their lives right now having just a little control felt very good. But then, after a while, it just made him feel like he truly was alone. Vegard didn’t even seem to notice that he wasn’t talking anymore. Well, how would he? Vegard hadn’t had time to talk to him in the first place, so there really was no change.

 

Vegard was sitting at his desk working on their plans for their show in Japan. They would be doing their song as well as an interview on at least two shows. Of course, their manager was making all the arrangements for their travel and doing much of the coordinating with the producers of the other shows. But he and Bård hadn’t liked the way some of their appearances had come off last year. A few times other people got involved in the performance of the song - which had sometimes worked out great and sometimes gone terribly wrong. And more than once the staging had just made them cringe. So, when this new song started to take off, they had discussed how they didn’t want to let that happen again. They wanted to at least have a hand in planning each performance so that if it didn’t go well, at least it would have been due to their own decisions.

 

He didn’t want to bother Bård with any of that. Bård had been working really hard lately, and looking kind of stressed. Vegard had hardly seen him more than to say ‘hi’ in the last week. That wasn’t a problem. They could get more stuff done when they split up the work. He trusted Bård to make choices that he would agree with and he liked that Bård seemed to trust him as well. Although, to be honest, he was beginning to miss spending time with his dork of a brother. But this wasn’t going to last forever. And, in a week and a half they were traveling to Japan together. That flight was over ten hours long. They’d have time to nap **_and_** to catch up on things.

 

Bård walked past Vegard’s office with his jacket on, looking like he was headed home. Ever since the day he had overslept, he’d been driving in to work in his own car. “Hey, Bård!”

 

Bård stopped in his tracks and walked back to Vegard’s doorway. “Hmmm?”

 

“Are you headed home?”

 

“Yeah. Is that ok?”

 

“Sure. I just… you didn’t say anything. Good night.”

 

“Ok, yeah. See you in the morning.”

 

Vegard turned back to his desk. He only had a couple things to finish and he was going to go home too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Bård arrived at his office the next morning he noticed that Vegard was already there, and talking on the phone. He supposed it was another interview. He’d barely gotten his jacket off when their secretary knocked on his open door.

 

“Good morning, Bård.” Hanna was always cheerful in the morning. Sometimes he hated her for it.

 

“Hmmm? Yes, morning.” Bård was opening his laptop and willing her to go away.

 

“Tor, from TVNorge, wants a minute with you and/or Vegard.”

 

“And/or?”Bård looked up and made eye contact with Hanna. She actually was a cute girl and a good employee. Bård just couldn’t stand the cheerfulness until 10:30 or 11:00 am.

 

She shrugged. “I think he’d like you both if possible, but Vegard is doing an interview. I don’t know how much longer he’ll be.”

 

“Right. No problem.” Tor was someone they had worked with for years at TVNorge. Bård had always thought that they had a good working relationship with him, but after his meeting a few days ago with Jakob, he felt a little nervous about what Tor wanted.

 

“Hello, Bård. Good to see you.” Tor apparently had been only a few steps down the hall because he entered Bård’s office about two seconds after Hanna exited.

 

Bård got up out of his chair and came around his desk to greet Tor. He was genuinely a good guy and Bård relaxed right away once he saw him. “Hey. Good to see  you, too. What’s up?”

 

“Straight to it, huh?” Tor was older than Bård. Probably mid-forties if Bård had been asked to guess. He wasn’t really old enough to be their father, but he had always looked out for them in a somewhat paternal way.

 

“You don’t normally visit us, so I assume you have some business.” Bård went back to his seat and indicated to Tor that he could sit in the chair on the other side of the desk.

 

“Yes, I do. I know you guys are really busy right now. Congratulations by the way. Who would have thought you could make a funny song about global warming?”

 

“Thanks.” He had never quite figured out how to feel when complimented on a song that was getting way more attention than it deserved. He liked it, certainly, but it embarrassed him as well.

 

“I forget what magazine it was in, but I saw that article on you two: _What does the Polar Ice Cap Say?_.”

 

“Ehhh!  I know. They won’t give that a rest, will they?" He had hoped that since they had a new song that was so popular, they would at least be done with those kinds of headlines and questions.  "I’m afraid it will follow me to the grave.” 

 

“Well, you and Vegard.”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Listen, I won’t take too much of your time. I thought you should know about some of the email we’ve been receiving.”

 

“I know. Jakob told me. I’m sorry that you had to hire someone to help with that.”

 

“No, that’s not it. I don’t want to make too big a deal out of it, but there have been a few threats.”

 

Bård laughed. “I figured, eventually, some parent would crack and want to shove What Does the Fox Say back down our throats.”

 

Tor laughed, politely. “No, I don’t think you understand. Actual threatening emails. We’ve contacted the police and they are following up. So far they’ve all been sent from public computers...internet cafes and the like. We haven’t been able to trace them to an individual or individuals.”

 

“Well, they’re jokes right?”

 

“The police say that most likely it’s nothing. People feel free to say anything when they can do it anonymously.”

 

“Is that why TVNorge stepped up security?”

 

“Well, yes. And there was a feeling that you two didn’t need to know. I think some people were afraid it would affect your performance. But I think you have the right to know, so you can be on guard as well. It’s most likely nothing, but I just don’t think you should be kept in the dark about it.”

 

Bård paused, not really sure what to say. “Uh...so I guess I should I ask about the added security. I mean where is it? What are they protecting against?”

 

“You probably saw the extra security people backstage last week. We’ve also added some to the front as people come in and then in the audience. We don’t have something specific to look for. That makes it difficult. On the other hand, the police say that usually that means it’s nothing to worry about.”

 

“Ok.” Bård didn’t really know what to think.

 

“It’s probably a lot to take in.” Tor looked sympathetically at Bård.

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Here’s a copy of the memo that was sent out about the emails. It talks about the threats and the added security. If you or Vegard have questions, you can call me directly. I hope I did the right thing. I’m probably worrying you for no reason.”

 

“No. I think we’d rather know. Thanks, Tor.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Late in the afternoon, before they were to head down for the taping, Bård decided that he should fill Vegard in on the meeting he’d had with Tor. He’d been watching for a chance all day but when one of them wasn’t on the phone the other always was. They’d have to go down to change soon, so he went into Vegard’s office and sat on the couch to wait until he was off the phone.

 

As he sat there he realized it had been weeks since he’d sat in Vegard’s office. Normally, it was Bård’s habit to go into Vegard’s office everyday at about 4:00 just to hang out. At least it had been his habit. Vegard had always acted like it annoyed him when Bård sat on the arm of his couch and made comments while he was trying to do paperwork, but Bård knew that he had liked it. The few days when he’d gotten caught up in something and forgotten, Vegard had come into his office by 4:10 to see if he was ok.

 

But, that wasn’t really how this season of IKMY had gone. He sat there for a few minutes thinking about the last few weeks and the last week in particular. It had been crazy busy for both of them. Vegard was talking again and that got his attention. Bård found that he’d been staring at the taxidermied fox on the bookshelf. He shifted his gaze to Vegard. He could tell that Vegard was trying to end the call. Vegard glanced at the clock on his desk and then to Bård. Rolling his eyes, he gave Bård a half smile. Sitting there, Bård could feel his icy mood toward his brother melting.

 

Finally, Vegard was done. He started chuckling. “That was ridiculous! At the end she was talking so much it was like she was the one being interviewed. I could hardly get a word in to say goodbye!”

 

“What about just saying ‘Shut up!’?”

 

Vegard gave him his best big brotherly what-am-I-going-to-do-with-you? look. And then snickered. “Sometimes I wish I could.”

 

“Maybe you should practice.” Bård crossed his arms as if to say ‘show me what you’ve got’.

 

Vegard smiled at Bård. “Ok. Shut up!”

 

“Well done! But you have to do it a lot so it becomes second nature.”

 

Vegard sat back in his chair, laughing. “Oh, is that how you got so good at it?” Bård just looked at him. “Oh! I was supposed to say ‘shut up’ again, wasn’t I?”

 

Bård let out an exaggerated sigh. “Sometimes you disappoint me so very much.”

 

Vegard took that as a challenge. “Shut up!”

 

Bård laughed. “That’s better.”

 

Giggling, Vegard continued. “Shut up!”

 

“Very good. I think you’ve got it.”

 

“Shut up!!”

 

“Ok…. you can stop now.”

 

“Shut up!!!”

 

Bård was torn between continuing this and having a discussion. “No, you really have to stop!” Since he said it as he was giggling, it didn’t hold much authority.

 

“Shut up! But I’m having fun.” Vegard looked questioningly at him, as if he wasn’t sure if Bård was actually asking him to stop, or whether it was part of the game.

 

“Look, I want to talk to you about something.” Bård was trying to stop laughing, mostly unsuccessfully.

 

“Shut…” A voice at the door interrupted him.

 

The director of IKMY was standing in the doorway. “Vegard, can I ask you a couple of questions? It’s about the show tonight.”

 

“Sure.” He turned to Bård. “We can talk later, huh?”

 

“Sure, why not.” Bård deflated a little.

 

Vegard got up and followed the director down the hall. Bård sat on the arm of the couch for a couple of minutes, just thinking. He picked up the copy of Tor’s memo that he had brought in with him and set it on Vegard’s desk.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bård never really got a chance to talk to Vegard about the memo before the show. For some reason there were lots of little things that still needed ironing out, and one or the other of them kept getting called out of the dressing room to help. It didn’t really matter, there was all that extra security and nothing bad happened.

 

Tomorrow they were rehearsing for the stage show all day and then Sunday they were flying to London for an interview and back in the evening. Bård decided that he should probably mention the threats to their manager tomorrow. He might want to get some extra security in place for them in London. Although, that seemed pretty silly. It probably really was just some teenage girls who wanted to kidnap Vegard. No need to be especially on guard for that.

 

Anyway, knowing his brother, he was probably already prepared for any contingency.


	4. Chapter 4

As he walked to his car, Vegard had to hope no one was watching him because he was talking to himself the whole way. Well, really he was having a conversation with Bård, it's just that Bård wasn't there right now.

 

Today was supposed to be a day that they could devote totally to their new stage show. They desperately needed to have a productive day because they were falling behind the schedule they had set for themselves to get everything ready in time. That’s why he couldn’t understand how Bård could have even thought about dropping that song.

 

Bård wasn’t happy with the way one of their songs was coming along and had wanted Vegard to look at using a different song that they had already dismissed. _I don’t see why he’d want to go back and start over with a different song, one that we already decided wasn’t our best choice. I’m not going to let him make me feel bad for not wanting to look at that. It’s a waste of time._

 

_He’s just gotten so sensitive lately. Like the other night. I still don’t understand what he was so upset about. He said he never got to talk to me anymore, but he’s hardly said a word to me since then._

 

_I vetoed dropping that song, but so what? He’s done that before. He acted like I never listen to him, but he knows that’s not true. There’s no one whose opinion I value more._

 

_And then, rather than staying and talking about it, he leaves me alone on the stage… so that he can take a nap!_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Vegard had arrived at Bård’s place at 8:15 just to make sure they got going in time. Bård hadn’t really expected him that early because they didn’t have to be there until 9:00 and it really wasn’t that far away. Less than fifteen minutes, for sure. He was a little annoyed that they had to start out the day on ‘Vegard time’; but he decided, in the interest of peace, to try to go with the flow. Fortunately, for everyone concerned, he was pretty much ready to go. He just had to find his shoes and get his jacket, all the things that, if he were honest, he wouldn’t have thought of doing before Vegard actually arrived anyway.

 

When they got to the auditorium, the director was already there. He had a long list of notes that he wanted to go over, things that he had questions about or issues that needed ironing out by the end of the day. This was going to be a long day. They still had a lot to do and there was a lot of pressure to at least run through most of it today.

 

The morning started out alright. They worked on a couple of skits and the first song. It was going well, then they started that song. He was really starting to hate it. The song about them reading each other’s minds or some bullshit. _I guess it shouldn’t matter if what we sing about is all fictional, most of it is. It’s just that song seems to suggest that we are so close, so in sync with each other...I just couldn’t take it today._

 

_So, we had a big blow up. I understand why we don’t have time to start over with a new song, I’m not an idiot. I don’t know why we couldn’t at least talk about it though. But then, we never talk! Anything to avoid talking! I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised._

 

Bård knew he shouldn’t have just stormed off like that. It normally wasn’t something he  ever did. He wasn’t so much mad as upset and he hadn’t wanted Vegard to see that. Ever since he had broken down last week, it seemed like Vegard was watching him as if he were a time bomb set to go off at any moment. He just wanted to take a moment and calm down so they could have a reasonable discussion.

 

The first thing he saw when he entered their dressing room was the daybed against the wall on the far side of the room. Seeing the bed... it was just too inviting. Sleep was the only escape that he had left anymore. The rest of the time he felt so tired that he could hardly think. So, even though he supposed Vegard would be mad when he saw him sleeping, he gave in to the urge to lie down... just for a few minutes. Soon he had been swallowed up in sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Vegard had found Bård asleep in their dressing room when he finally decided to go look for him. _That brat! What makes him think he can go take a nap when there’s still so much to do today?_ But by then it was lunch time, and Vegard wasn’t sure that he felt like talking to Bård yet, so he decided to take off for a while. _Maybe a little fresh air will clear my head. It’s so nice out, and I’ve been stuck inside with that idiot all day._

 

Surprisingly, it took him close to fifteen minutes to walk to the car; a few minutes just to wind his way out of the auditorium and then almost ten minutes to where they’d finally found a parking spot this morning. Why did they have to be repaving the parking lot today? When he got to his car, he felt in his pocket for the keys and then started patting every pocket on his pants and his jacket. _Oh, crap! I didn’t even drive. Bård drove after I got to his house so I could work on editing our script. He must still have the keys!_

 

As much as Vegard really wanted to be mad at Bård about that too, he knew that wasn’t Bård’s fault. He sighed, wondering if he should go back for the keys, or just take a walk?  He decided that a walk would do him more good. It was just as well, he’d probably never have found a parking spot again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bård’s nap was so deep and restful that when he woke up, so suddenly, he had no idea what was going on. Someone had slapped duct tape over his mouth and then was grabbing his arms and trying to pull them behind his back. Bård fought the attack, struggling to get his arms free. Whoever was holding him had a strong grasp of his wrists.  His heart racing, he managed to wrest his arms away and tried to push himself up hoping to throw his attacker off of his back. Suddenly he felt a blow to his face as his attacker punched him. Seeing stars he tried again to get up only to feel another blow to the back of his head.

 

As bewildered as he was by this attack, it began to be clearer that he was fighting for his life. He started flailing, trying to be less predictable with his movements. He managed to elbow the guy hard in the ribs but was pushed right back down onto the bed. The mystery man started talking to him, sounding amused. “Oh, you think you can take me?” Bård was trying hard to flip over onto his back so he could face his attacker but he was pinned down and punched again by the larger man . “You need to settle down.”

 

Once more, he tried to elbow the attacker, that being his best weapon at that angle. Bård struck the man somewhere near his groin, which earned him a yelp of pain from his attacker. The man took one hand off of him, but leaned heavily onto him with the other and started shouting at him. “Fuck you! You’re not getting away!!” He was trying again to buck the man off of his back when he suddenly felt a pain in the middle of his back that tore through him like a lightening bolt. He felt like he couldn’t breathe or move, or see anything other than a bright white burst of pain. Before he knew what was happening, he was flat on his face, his arms were being pulled angrily and painfully behind his back. He tried to resist but the pain was unbelievable . He almost didn’t notice his wrists being duct taped together, he was so consumed by the pain. Next he felt what he now realized had been a knife being slowly pulled out from under his right shoulder blade. Somehow, it almost hurt more coming out than going in. The pain was so dizzying that he thought he might pass out.

 

His attacker resumed his chatter… he seemed to want to talk a lot now that Bård couldn’t move.

 

“There that’s better, isn’t it?”  

 

Bård was trying to think, but the pain was overshadowing every conscious thought.

 

“You shouldn’t have made me do that.”

 

He had no idea what time it was or how long he had slept.

 

“Does it hurt?”

 

He wondered if Vegard might come to wake him soon. He was pretty sure that Vegard wouldn’t want to let him sleep too long.

 

The guy continued to talk and he started to realize that this freak was getting off on causing him pain. He was alternatingly talking gently and stroking him and then leaning hard on the knife wound causing Bård to let out a muffled scream.

 

All he could do was hope that Vegard would come soon.

 

“Don’t cry, little one.”

 

Then he envisioned what that might mean and he started hoping that Vegard would stay away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Arriving back at the auditorium, Vegard did feel better. During the walk he’d come to two conclusions. The first was that he was partly to blame for the way their disagreement had gone down this morning. He’d been pretty dismissive of Bård. He probably wouldn’t have liked to have been shot down so quickly either. He thought they should at least talk about the song, if Bård still wanted to. The second had to do with how he had found Bård crying alone in his office last week. He may have dismissed that a little too quickly as well. They’d just been so busy, that there was never any time to talk. But now, when he’d taken time to think about it, he was starting to feel like he didn’t know what was going on with Bård.

 

So, even though they had so much to do today, he had decided that he and Bård needed to talk, at least for a little while, right now. He didn’t want Bård feeling so irritated at him for the rest of the day. If Bård tried to get out of it, he’d just remind him of their conversation last week. He felt much lighter as he walked down the final hall to their dressing room.

 

When he reached for the doorknob, it struck Vegard as a little off that the dressing room door was fully closed.  He hadn’t closed the door completely when he left because, even though he had been angry at Bård or maybe because he had been angry, he hadn’t wanted to wake him.

 

As he opened the door he heard a strange whimpering sound. Stepping through the doorway he was shocked to see a stranger in their room. Bård was still lying on the daybed where he’d left him, but that was the only similarity to when he’d left him. Bård had duct tape over his mouth and his hands were duct taped together behind his back. A stranger was on top of him with a knife in his hand and there was blood, a lot of blood, on the back of Bård’s shirt.

 

The stranger seemed oddly calm at being discovered. He looked coolly at Vegard. “Leave or I’ll stab him again.” Bård was looking at him with desperate eyes that seemed to be telling him to run. “No, get off my brother!” The stranger kept his eyes on Vegard as he defiantly put his hand on the stab wound that he had already inflicted on Bård and leaned forward putting his full weight on the wound. Bård moaned in pain.

 

“Stop it! Stop it!” Vegard didn’t know what to do, but he did know that leaving Bård alone again with this guy was not an option. “Look, what do you want? Money or..?”

 

“Time alone with your brother.”

 

Vegard shot another look at Bård. _I left for my walk an hour ago, how long has this guy been torturing him?_  Vegard looked at the monster sitting on top of his brother and he wanted to kill him. He literally wanted to kill him. He'd never felt this kind of raw anger before. But the guy had a knife and daybed was on the far side of the room. He didn’t want to do anything that might make it worse for Bård. He had no doubt that this guy would happily stab Bård again.

 

"I'm telling you, get out of here." He put the point of his knife on Bård's back and pressed down enough to cause pain and maybe break the skin, Vegard couldn't tell. He could see that Bård was trying not to react, but heard a muffled wail as the knife pressed down. The man leaned over Bård and almost whispered “Now look what he made me do.”

 

He had to do something. He had to do it now. "Look, let him go, you can have me." In truth Vegard would happily have traded places with Bård, but he didn’t really think that this maniac would do that. He just needed time to create a distraction. He was gesturing with his left hand as he spoke trying to divert the guy’s attention away from his right hand. He continued talking as he reached in his pocket with his right hand and carefully pulled out his phone hoping that it would go unnoticed. Still talking he waited until the guy’s eyes glanced at Bård and quickly threw the phone off to the side to make some noise.  He happened to hit an empty drinking glass that was sitting on a small table. The sound of shattering glass made more noise than he had even hoped for.

 

As soon as the guy’s attention turned to the direction of the sound, Vegard was on the attack. He grabbed an arm and pulled him off of Bård as hard as he could.  The knife went flying and then he was rolling on the floor with this maniac, trying his best to get in a punch that might knock him out.  He definitely had the desire to cause some serious damage to this guy, but not very much experience in brawling.  He’d had some hand-to-hand combat training in the military, but that was a long time ago. This fight was more chaotic than anything he remembered from his training. Instead it reminded him of when his and Bård’s playful wrestling matches of their youth had devolved into actual fights. Fortunately, that really hadn’t happened very often. Although, it might have been helpful to him right now if they had gone at each other a little more often back then.

 

When the attacker saw his opportunity he jumped off of Vegard and made a move for the knife. Vegard lept to his feet and shoved him into a dressing table before he could grab it. They exchanged a few punches without either of them really getting the upper hand. Until, eventually, the guy managed to get in a good hit that sent Vegard flying against the wall. He slid down to the floor, a little dazed. The guy picked up his knife and came closer.

 

Vegard looked up at his approaching assailant. He had landed between a heavy upholstered chair and a dressing table and really couldn’t move to his left or right. Assessing his options, he noted that there was a bat to his right, a prop from the show that had somehow found it’s way into their dressing room, but it was a little out of reach. He might be able to grab something off of the dressing table to slow him down...maybe hairspray? In his peripheral vision he saw Bård, standing now, back by the daybed. He did his best not to look directly at Bård, hoping not to give him away, and started talking trying to give Bård time to run.

 

Instead, he saw Bård start to move towards the attacker. _No! What is he doing?_

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Bård could see that the attacker had regained control of the knife. He had had plenty of time to think about his attacker before Vegard had gotten back from his walk. He knew that he had been stabbed in a way that was intended to cause a lot of pain, but that wasn’t intended to kill him, at least not quickly. He had a feeling that this guy knew exactly how to knife someone in a way that would kill them immediately.

 

While Vegard continued to scuffle with the guy, Bård had painfully managed to roll over to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. Now, seeing that Vegard was cornered, he knew he had to act.  He stood up and Vegard began to talk, a lot. _He sees me. He’s covering for me. Good!_ He felt very wobbly but, desperately trying to keep his balance, he began to run towards the guy. He put his shoulder down and into the side of the attacker, attempting to knock him off his feet with what little strength he had left.

 

* * *

 

The jolt of Bård crashing into him, blindsided their attacker and sent him sprawling. Having put all of his effort into the collision, Bård stumbled to the floor. Vegard wasted no time. He jumped up and grabbed the bat. The attacker, still holding the knife, managed to right himself but was unprepared for Vegard to be on the attack. Vegard took a swing and hit his adversary as hard as he could. Striking him first in the arm, he managed to knock the knife a safe distance away. Next he struck him in ribs causing him to stagger to his knees.

 

Thinking he had neutralized the attacker Vegard paused, unsure of what to do next. He shouted at the him. “DON’T MOVE!” He hoped that he sounded threatening. He was wondering how to reach the phone and the knife, and how to protect Bård, all at the same time.

 

Recognising Vegard’s indecision, the man jumped up and took a run at him. Surprised, Vegard swung again almost blindly, this time connecting with a glancing blow to the head. The man staggered backwards until he hit the wall near the door. He held onto the wall trying to regain his bearings. Vegard attempted to put himself between the man and the knife without leaving Bård exposed to attack. For a long moment Vegard and their assailant locked eyes. Then, apparently deciding to cut his losses, the man ran out the door.

 

Vegard’s first inclination was to follow him, not wanting him to get away. With everything in his being he wanted to beat that guy to a pulp. But seeing Bård lying motionless on the floor pulled him back from the edge of his rage. Unsure whether the attacker might try to return, he ran over and locked the door. Then, picking up his phone, he called for an ambulance as he hurried over to check on Bård. “Bård.” He put his hand gently on Bård’s back. “Bård. I’m here.” Bård moaned.  

 

The emergency operator answered quickly. “Yes, we need an ambulance at the downtown auditorium.” He put his phone on speaker and set it on the floor.

 

Wanting to hear Bård’s voice, he reached to remove the duct tape. “I’m going to pull this tape off, ok?” As he ripped it off,  Vegard could imagine how much it hurt. “I’m so sorry.” He immediately covered Bård’s mouth with his hand, hoping that pressing on the skin would take some of the sting out of it.

 

The emergency operator was asking a lot of questions, and Vegard was trying to answer as best he could to get help here quickly, but all he really wanted to do was comfort Bård.

 

When he pulled his hand away from Bård’s mouth, he expected him to cry out, or swear or something, instead he only heard a slight whimper. “I’m so sorry. I know that hurt.” He looked down at his hand and saw blood.

 

“Yes, the outside door is unlocked. I’ve locked our dressing room door, but I’ll unlock it for the paramedics.”

 

Vegard felt around on the dressing table surface and found a pair of scissors that he knew were up there. “Ok, I’m going to get the tape off of your hands. Try to lie still.” Bård didn’t answer. Once he’d freed his hands, Vegard gently rolled his brother over onto his back. “Bård? Can you hear me? Bård?” Bård’s moan was his only reply. Now he could see Bård’s bruised and bloodied face. Again, he wondered how long Bård had been alone with that guy before he had returned from his walk.

  

* * *

 

Bård was going in and out of semi-consciousness. The pain of the tape being ripped off of his mouth had brought him around briefly. But then he drifted off somewhere... until he felt himself rolling over. He wanted to cry out as the pain ripped through him anew. He tried to say something, at least he thought he did,  but he just heard himself moaning. He knew Vegard was near...he could hear him saying...something…but he just couldn’t figure it out. He wanted to answer him, to say... anything…..but he couldn’t open his mouth. He couldn’t even open his eyes to look at Vegard and he desperately wanted to do that. He needed to see Vegard and feel safe.

 

But he couldn’t.  He just couldn’t.

 

And then he was drifting off... somewhere... far away.

 

* * *

  

The emergency operator was talking, but Vegard was focused on Bård.”Wake up, Bård, wake up!” He had never felt so scared in his life, including a few minutes ago when that guy approached him with a knife. “Bård! Bård, open your eyes! Look at me!!” He was gently shaking Bård, trying to get some response but there was none. He was afraid to check for a pulse. _He can’t be dead, he can’t be._ He could feel himself on the edge of totally losing it.

 

“Hello! Are you there? Hello?!” The emergency operator was shouting at him and it finally entered his consciousness. “Y...yes I’m still here.” He tried to force himself to keep it together.

 

“You need to do first aid until help arrives. You said he was stabbed, right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Is there a towel or a clean piece of cloth that you can put on the wound? You need to cover the wound and press on it, that will slow down the bleeding.”

 

Vegard quickly found a towel next to the dressing table, he gently rolled Bård over enough so that he could put the towel on the wound. “But, he’s not talking anymore. I don’t know if he’s…” He couldn’t say it. He didn’t even want to think it.

 

“Put your hand close to his nose and mouth. Can you feel his breath?”

 

His hand was shaking as he held it over Bård’s face. After what seemed like forever, he felt the warmth of an exhale. It was a very small breath, but he was still breathing. “Yes! Yes, he’s still breathing!”  He leaned over Bård, got his arms under him and pulled him close in order to put more pressure on the wound. “Keep breathing, Bård.”

 

“Good. You’re doing a good job helping your friend. Just keep the pressure to his back. Can you cover him with a blanket?”

 

“No… but I’m holding him close to me.”

 

“Good, it’s important to keep him warm. Is there anyone else there who can get a blanket, or help the paramedics to find your dressing room?”

 

“No, we’re alone here. There are people in the building, but no one right here.” Vegard began to despair. Bård was so pale. “Are they close? They need to get here, now!”

 

“Yes, they’ve just entered the building. Can you help me direct them to you?”

 

“Uh…” _Oh, crap. This is a huge building._ “Uh..did they come in the east entrance?”

 

“Just a moment.” He could hear some muffled conversation.“Yes, the east door.”

 

“Follow the hall to the left. Take the second right and there will be a stairwell to your right. Take the the stairs down one level. When you come out of the stairwell take a right...uh no a left and then a quick right and we’re down the hall about three doors on the right. Our name, Ylvis, is on the door.”

 

Vegard could hear her relaying the information. “Bård! Please open your eyes. Please...I need you to look at me!”

 

The emergency operator had said something to him and she seemed to be waiting for a response. “Tell them the door is locked… I’ll let them in...I want to keep pressure on his wound until they get here…”

 

“Yes. You’re doing a good job. I hear you talking to your friend. That’s good, too.”

 

“He’s my brother…” The words brought tears to his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

 

“He not just a friend, he’s my brother.” Bård felt like a rag doll in his arms.

 

“Oh, dearie, you’re doing a good job. Your brother will be so proud of how you’re handling this.”

 

 _I don’t want him to be proud, I want him to be alive._ “Bård. Can you hear me? Open your eyes, please!”

 

* * *

 

The ambulance ride was surreal. The paramedic put an oxygen mask on Bård’s face and was poking him with needles. Vegard wanted to tell him to stop hurting his brother but he knew that was crazy. The paramedic was trying to help Bård. The whole thing felt like a nightmare, one that Bård would have laughed at if he had told him about it the next day. Bård could always see the absurd, even in something like this. Vegard knew that even he would have been laughing after Bård was done analyzing this dream.

 

Of course it wasn’t a dream. It was all too real. And he wasn’t sure if Bård would be around to analyze or make fun of this situation. He felt like his world was totally falling apart. This couldn’t be happening. Why was this happening??

 

Upon arriving at the hospital, they forcefully told Vegard that he couldn’t enter the ER and would have to wait outside in the waiting room. He tried to tell them that he would stay out of their way, and that he was family. He would have thought that being family would have gotten him in, but they seemed to think he’d be in the way or freak out he supposed. He didn’t feel all that far from freaking out, they had a point with that rule.

 

After a few minutes of standing alone in the hall trying to figure out a way to convince them to let him into the ER, he came to his senses enough to know that it wasn’t going to happen. And then he just felt so helpless and alone. He decided to call Calle. He needed a friend.

 

Calle answered right away. “Hey buddy. I thought you two would be working.”  Calle waited for a response but the other end of the line was quiet. “Vegard?”

 

Vegard had already felt like crying, and hearing Calle’s voice was pushing him over the edge. “Calle…” His voice didn’t sound like his own anymore. “Calle.. Bård’s been hurt.” His voice quavered. “Could you come to the hospital? I …”

 

Calle was already on his feet. “Where are you? Which hospital?”

 

“It’s..” _Damn it, what is the name of this hospital?_ “It’s in St. Hanshaugen.”

 

“Ullevål sykehus? I’ll be right there.”

  

* * *

  

Calle walked into the Emergency department and scanned the waiting room for Vegard. He quickly saw him sitting alone with his head in his hands. It hadn’t been hard to spot him with all those black curls.

 

"How is he? " Calle sat next to Vegard and placed a hand on his back. “Any news?”  

 

"I haven't heard anything." Vegard had raised his head slightly. "I've asked three times already, I think they’re annoyed with me."

 

"I doubt it. That's what people do. I'll go ask if you'd like." Vegard had his head in his hands again. "What happened? I didn't think you were doing anything dangerous this time." Calle was referring to  the aerial silk performance that Bård had done in their last show.

 

Vegard raised his head and looked at Calle. "No... it wasn't..."

 

That was when Calle noticed his face.  "What happened to your face? You guys didn't get into a..." He didn't finish the thought. Obviously, Vegard wouldn’t hit Bård much less put him in the hospital.

 

"No! I went out... Bård was… someone.... someone attacked Bård…. in our dressing room ….while he was taking a nap. I went out for a walk over lunch… and when I came back... there was a guy with a knife…  on top of Bård."

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Talking to the police had been painful. He’d had to recount everything that he remembered about the attack. Those were images that he really didn’t want to think about and it had scared him to think that they might be the last images he’d ever have of his brother alive.

 

Calling his mom and dad to tell them what had happened was another level of pain. His mom had started crying and had to get off the phone so that he could tell his dad what little he knew. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. He was supposed to protect his little brother. But he hadn’t done a very good job of that, had he? His parents were planning on coming to Oslo tomorrow, assuming they could get on a flight. As much as he wanted them there, he wasn’t sure how he was going to face them.

 

He’d had to call their manager, too. After having retold the story a number of times, he was having a harder and harder time keeping himself together. Calle had been sitting with him and had to take the phone and finish the call for him. He heard Calle saying that he or Vegard would call when there was any news. He had to force himself not to think of all the possibilities of what ‘news’ could mean.

 

* * *

 

When Bård came out of surgery, Vegard had to keep reminding himself that his brother was still alive, because to look at him you might not think so. Bård was pale, so very pale. He was wearing an oxygen mask and had more than one IV and so many monitors that together they almost felt like a wall dividing him off from the land of the living. The surgeon, Dr. Ekdahl, told him that if Bård made it through the night they’d have a better idea of his prognosis. If he made it through the night? How could he say that to him so matter of factly? Bård had to make it through the night!

 

Doctor Ekdahl told Vegard to go home and get some rest, that Bård wouldn’t be waking up for a while and there was nothing that he could do for him right now. But Vegard couldn’t bring himself to leave. He told the doctor that his brother might need him, but really he just couldn’t leave him alone… not again.

 

* * *

 

Since Vegard refused to go home for the night, Calle decided that maybe he should go home and get a little rest. He would probably be more helpful to Vegard if he were rested.

 

As he drove home, the conversation they’d had after making those horrific phone calls kept replaying in his mind. Vegard had been crying, something Calle had never seen him do in all the years he’d known him. So, he’d tried to reassure Vegard that it would all be ok. Bård was young and healthy and he was going to be fine. Vegard had gotten more upset and told him that he didn’t know that. Nobody knew that. And that he hadn’t seen Bård after what that maniac had done to him.

 

It hadn’t really occurred to Calle before that moment, that Bård could actually die. Bård was the baby of their little group, it really was unthinkable. When he went in Bård’s room to tell Vegard that he was going home for a while, he bent over Bård and told him that he’d be back and to get some rest. He wasn’t able to say the word goodbye.

 

* * *

 

 

Vegard wanted so badly to hear Bård’s voice. He sat next to Bård’s bed, holding his hand and talking to him. He kept telling Bård not to worry, he was going to be fine. At one point he tried to order him, as his big brother, to wake up. It was one of the few times that he was glad he was sitting there alone with Bård. Later on, he thought that if Bård had heard him, he probably thought his attempt at playing the big brother card was pretty funny.

 

Vegard was having a hard time sitting alone with an unresponsive Bård. He had too many thoughts running through his head. At times he felt so guilty that he had to get up and move. He paced around the room going over everything that he must have done wrong to get to this point. _He said he never got to talk to me anymore, maybe he meant I never listened anymore. I should have listened to him today. If I’d just listened to him he wouldn’t have walked off. I could have at least done that. And why didn’t I just go into the dressing room and sort it out with him? Why did I have to go for a walk?_ He really wasn’t sure if his leaving the auditorium wasn’t even worse than Bård leaving the stage to go to their dressing room.

 

* * *

 

About three in the morning the nurse came in again to take Bård’s vitals. She went about her business quietly, not commenting on the numbers. Vegard had been pacing when she arrived. Her silence was driving him crazy. “What are you finding? How is he?”

 

She looked at him somberly. “His condition seems to be deteriorating. I’m sorry.”

 

Vegard came over and took Bård’s hand, holding it in one hand while absent-mindedly stroking it with the other, the way their mom used to when they were sick. The nurse stayed next to the bed hoping to comfort the brother of this patient who apparently was losing his fight. But then she noticed the monitor showed that his heart rate and oxygen saturation levels were slightly improved. “I think he knows you’re here. After you took his hand he started to improve.”

 

“Really?” He found it hard to say anything through his tears which were now flowing freely .

 

“Yes, definitely.” She looked at the blood pressure monitor and found that it had improved as well.

 

“Bård. Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand.” There was no change on Bård’s face and no movement of his hand.

 

The nurse saw the almost overwhelming disappointment in Vegard. “He might not be able to respond right now. It doesn’t mean he can’t hear you.”

 

He let out a ragged breath and turned back to his brother. “Bård. I’m here. I’m going to be here when you wake up.”

 

The nurse patted him on the back on her way out of the room. “Just make sure he knows you’re here. It seems to be helping.”

 

* * *

 

Vegard woke with a start. It was early morning and the hospital hallway was starting to buzz with activity. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep. He already felt responsible for Bård being hurt and now he was feeling as if he were somehow keeping him alive. Finding that his hand was still holding Bård’s made him feel slightly better. He stood up, thinking he never should have let himself sit down, and studied Bård. He hoped it wasn’t just wishful thinking, but there seemed to be a little color in his face. He checked the monitors. He had really never thought much about heart rates or oxygen saturation levels before, but he felt like he’d learned a lot in the last few hours. From what he could tell Bård had improved slightly.

 

He leaned over his brother and spoke softly. “Bård.” It occurred to him as he spoke that maybe he shouldn’t be trying to wake Bård. “Bård, can you hear me?” But his need to have some communication, to have some indication that Bård would be alright, seemed to be overriding whatever precautionary instincts he had. ”Squeeze my hand. Please… squeeze my hand.”

 

After a few seconds he thought he felt Bård’s hand move. _Was he trying to squeeze my hand or was it some involuntary twitch?_ “Bård, was that… did you do that?” He felt another slight squeeze. Tears were escaping his eyes one by one. “Good job! Good job, Bård!” He wanted to continue to try to communicate, but his caretaking instincts were stronger.  “You get some rest now. Just keep fighting, ok?” He wiped some tears and thought, Bård would laugh if he saw him crying. “I… I love you…” _You do know that, right?_

 

* * *

 

There was a steady beeping sound. He wondered if there wasn’t some way to turn it off. It was kind of annoying. The pressure on his arm wasn’t painful, but everytime he thought he could relax and forget about it, he heard a sound and it would begin again.

 

Someone had been holding his hand for quite a while now. He felt like he knew who it was… but then sometimes he became confused and he forgot. Right now he was sure it was Vegard, but he hadn’t heard him talking for a while and that bothered him. When he heard Vegard’s voice he felt safe and at home.

 

He tried  to open his eyes but he couldn’t remember how. He didn’t remember it being so difficult before. Then he heard Vegard talking. “Bård… Bård. Can you hear me?” He tried to say something, at least he wanted to, but his body didn’t seem to be cooperating. “Squeeze my hand. Please… squeeze my hand.” Every bit of his concentration went into trying to squeeze his brother’s hand. He thought, maybe, he had done it… but Vegard didn’t seem to be sure. “Bård, was that… did you do that?” He tried to do it one more time. “Good job! Good job, Bård!” Vegard was with him. It felt comforting and familiar, even with all the unfamiliar noises still going on around him. “You get some rest now. Just keep fighting, ok? I… I love you.” That feeling stayed with him as he drifted off once more.

 

* * *

 

Around noon on Sunday, Tor went to the hospital. He felt sick about what had happened.

 

Calle was back at the hospital and when Tor arrived, he went quietly into Bård's room to get Vegard.

 

Vegard really didn’t want to leave Bård’s side, but he knew he should go say something. Even if it was only for a minute. Calle could see that Vegard needed him, so he followed him down the hall. Tor looked upset as he walked up the hall to meet them halfway. “Vegard. How are you doing?”

 

“Me? I’m fine. It’s Bård that’s hurt.” Tor had hugged him warmly, but now it felt a little awkward standing there talking.

 

“I know. I’m just worried about you, too.” Vegard didn’t know if he could handle anyone worrying about him right now. He looked at the floor. Calle took Vegard’s arm and gently pulled him into one of the ICU’s small waiting rooms. Tor followed them into the room and closed the door.

 

“I really didn’t take the threats that seriously. I mean, I wanted you and Bård to know about them, but the police were pretty skeptical about whether there was anything to worry about.” He’d been thinking about what he wanted to say ever since he’d heard what happened and the words came spilling out of his mouth in one breath.

 

Vegard was quiet. He was trying to process Tor’s words. He’d been so upset since the attack that he’d often had a hard time following what people were saying. He’d had to ask a number of different doctors and nurses to repeat what they were telling him, sometimes more than once. “I’m sorry, Tor. What did you say?”

 

“I just said that threats against you two didn’t seem real. When I talked to Bård on Friday, I just wanted to make sure that you guys were aware of them, but honestly I didn’t think anything would come of it. I mean the police weren’t too worried. Anyone can send an anonymous email. And we’d added security...” Tor stopped talking, realizing that he was rambling. He always babbled when he felt uncomfortable.

 

Vegard looked at Calle who shrugged, indicating he hadn’t heard about this. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,Tor.”

 

Tor looked at him questioningly. “I talked to Bård on Friday morning. Didn’t he tell you that?”

 

“No.” Vegard thought back to Friday. It seemed so long ago, rather than only forty-eight hours. They’d both been so busy all day. And they’d had the taping of their show. He had really only talked to Bård for a few minutes in his office. Thinking of the way they had kidded around made his chest ache. “I guess we didn’t have time to talk.” Bård had had him laughing and telling him to shut up.  He seemed to remember Bård saying he should stop because he wanted to talk. He hadn’t been sure if he was even serious. “So, we should have known this was coming?”

 

“Well, I don’t know. The messages really seemed to point to a performance… I don’t know that anyone would have thought this would happen…”

 

Vegard couldn’t speak. The lump in his throat made it feel hard to breathe. Calle could see that he was struggling so he stepped in and spoke to Tor. He thanked him for coming to check on Bård and promised to keep him informed. He told Tor that hopefully he could come and visit Bård in a few days.

 

When Calle came back from walking Tor to the elevator, Vegard had left the waiting room. He was back by Bård’s side, holding his hand.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 


	7. Chapter 7

His parents had just left the hospital to get some rest. It had already been four days since Bård had been attacked. Four days that seemed to go on forever. Vegard felt like everything that had happened before the attack was in some other lifetime in a different world, one that made a lot more sense. The world he now occupied was full of uncertainty and a generalized fear that Vegard had never known before. He looked at each person that came into his brother’s room with a certain suspicion at first, even while a part of his brain was telling him that he was being paranoid. The few times he had left the hospital, which had only occurred at his parent’s insistence, he had been gripped by a fear that his parent’s might not be as vigilant about who went into Bård’s room. They were too trusting. They had raised him to be that way too, which hadn’t bothered him until now. He’d found it very difficult to sleep at all in those few hours away, often laying awake for most of the time and only feeling at peace when he was back in Bård’s room and could see that no one had hurt him again. Would these feelings ever go away or were they his new normal? Would he ever be able to say goodnight to Bård in their office and simply assume that he’d made it safely to his car and then safely to his house?

 

Bård had finally woken up earlier that day. Vegard had been holding his hand and dozing on the edge of the bed at the time. Not being with Bård when he first woke up was something Vegard had worried about because he had assured Bård, over and over, that he would be there. In those first days, as Bård’s condition fluctuated, Vegard talked to him about whatever was happening, like why he was feeling another needle prick or the funny comment that one of their parents had inadvertently said. After a while, Vegard wasn’t sure if it was for Bård’s sake or his own that he kept talking to him, but when he had to leave, usually because someone was practically forcing him to go eat or rest, there were four things that he said: ‘Don’t worry. It’s going to be ok. Just keep fighting. I’ll be here when you wake up.’ It had almost become his mantra. He knew, of course, that there was nothing magical about him being there for that moment. Bård wasn’t going to fall back into unconsciousness if he wasn’t there. But he felt like it was a promise, in his heart it was, and he needed to be there. Breaking that promise would have been almost too painful for him to bear.

 

Not surprisingly, when Bård finally opened his eyes he almost immediately pulled the oxygen mask away from his face. There was something reassuring about that being the first thing that he did. It was just like Bård to be so contrary. After trying to gently dissuade him, Vegard had ended up helping him take it completely off of his head so that he’d be more comfortable. Even with the mask off he hadn’t said much, seemingly content to have Vegard speak softly to him and squeeze his hand. There were so many things that Vegard had planned to say to Bård when he woke up, but he found it hard to remember most of them in that moment. The one thing that he had really wanted to say, the thing he couldn’t possibly have forgotten, caught in his throat. He wished he’d never gone on that walk. He knew he would never forgive himself for that, but he hoped that Bård could.

 

The first few days following the attack had been filled with anxiety, often just wondering if his little brother would make it until the next morning. But now, as he sat next to Bård's bed watching him sleep, he was comforted by the knowledge that the doctors were already talking about moving him out of the ICU.  He knew that there was still a lot of recovery ahead, but he was starting to feel a little more confident that recovery would come.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Vegard’s mom had been pushing him to leave for the last three hours. According to her it made no sense for all of them to be there at the same time. He knew it made no sense, but he felt the need to protect Bård. A need that seemed to overpower his own reasoning at times. Still, he was getting tired, and he would be no good to his brother if he got sick, so he agreed to go home and sleep.

 

He entered Bård’s room to say goodbye. Bård had been moved out of ICU today. It was a welcome sign that he was improving. The move had brought with it a new feeling of calm, not only in himself but also in his parents. He could see it on their faces. Vegard put his hand on Bård’s sleeping head and stroked it softly. “I’ll be back soon.”

 

Bård’s eyes opened sleepily. “You’re going?” His voice was gravelly from having had a breathing tube a few days before.

 

Their mother had told Vegard that he should go home because he “looked like a mummy and needed some rest”. He knew that she meant a zombie and made a mental note to tell Bård that one later, once their parents had gone home. “Yeah, some people are of the opinion that I don’t look very well.”

 

Studying his face Bård had to agree. “They’re right.”

 

It was the first quip he’d heard out of Bård since the attack and he felt almost relieved to hear it.  “Oh. So you think I look bad too?”

 

“You mean aside from the black eye and the fat lip?” Bård had tried to raise an eyebrow, but he’d been cut just under that eyebrow in the attack and he ended up wincing a little from the pain.

 

Vegard laughed and shook his head, making no attempt to conceal that he was enjoying the banter. “I probably shouldn’t have asked for your opinion.”

 

“Probably not.” Bård smiled.

 

Vegard leaned over to give his brother a goodbye hug. Bård returned the hug which, although not unexpected, served as a pleasant reminder of his brother’s improved condition. When he stood up to leave, Bård had tears in his eyes.

 

Vegard could see he was really trying to keep it together. “Are you ok?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He bit his lower lip so that it wouldn’t shake.

 

“If you don’t want me to go, I can stay for a while.”

 

“No. I don’t know why I’m… I just feel like any little thing…” Much to his embarrassment a tear slipped out of one eye. Feeling the lone tear slide down his cheek seemed to be encouraging more to follow.

 

Vegard bent back down and hugged him again.“You know, you’re on a lot of medication and… _and you were just attacked by some maniac with a knife, but I’d better not say that_ … it’s fine. It’s normal to be emotional.”

 

“You don’t have to stay just ‘cause I’m freaking out.” Bård hated feeling so out of control.

 

Vegard smiled and let out a quiet chuckle.“You’re not freaking out.” Pulling back to look at Bård he whispered, “The truth is I’d rather stay. I kind of freak out when I leave...and I’m not even on any medication.”

 

Comforted by the confession, a slight smile came to Bård’s lips. He held back the comment, ‘well, maybe you should be’, that had popped unbidden into his head. He didn’t want to make a joke right now. He was just glad to have his brother there.

 

After talking quietly for fifteen minutes or so, Bård’s eyelids began to get heavy. Vegard stayed with him until he was certain that he was asleep and then, reluctantly, he left.

 

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Vegard saw a food tray sitting in front of Bård when he walked into his room. “Hey! Good morning!” He had been able to sleep a little better last night and the dark circles under his eyes were mostly gone.

 

“Hi. You’re back already?” After he’d said it he felt a stab of anxiety in his gut. He hoped Vegard knew he was kidding. Everything about these past few days had made him feel off kilter. Now, knowing what Vegard was thinking most of the time no longer felt like one of his innate abilities.

 

“Too soon?” Vegard hadn’t really thought anything of the comment. Instead he was observing his brother trying to gauge how he was feeling today.

 

“No.”

 

Vegard came over to the bedside and seemed to be inspecting the tray. “What did you have for breakfast?” Looking at the dishes he could see tiny bites had been taken out of the hot cereal, toast and eggs. There was a fruit bowl that looked very unappetizing, Vegard wouldn’t have touched that either. The juice glass had been emptied and there an empty water glass as well. Without asking, Vegard reached for the water pitcher and refilled his glass.

 

“I don’t know, nothing tasted that good.” He could see that Vegard was weighing in his mind how much to push this right now.

 

“Are you still hungry? Is there something else you’d like? I’ll go get something for you.”

 

“I’m not really hungry right now.”

 

Before Vegard could question him further, Bård’s room became a flurry of activity. A nurse entered to check his vitals and an aide swooped in and took his barely eaten food tray away. Not that Vegard thought he might have eaten any more off of it. As the nurse left, one of the hospital’s vampires (as Bård had dubbed them) entered to take yet another sample of his blood. It was almost like the staff was lined up at his door. When the last of the hospital personnel had left his room, Bård looked around to see where Vegard had gone. It wasn’t long before Vegard entered his room carrying an emesis basin. He wasn’t feeling nauseous. “I don’t think I need that, Vegard.”

 

“Uh… oh… good.” Vegard’s thoughts were somewhere else. “I was just going to clean up your hair a bit. They haven’t done that have they?” Vegard had put some warm water in the basin and he started to rearrange Bård’s hair to get to some of his longer hair from the back of his head. Last night when he was saying goodnight to Bård, he had noticed that some of his hair was kind of stuck together and stiff at the ends.

 

Craning his head around, Bård tried to see what Vegard was looking at but it was impossible. “What do you mean?”

 

“There’s something in it.” Vegard dipped one hardened clump of hair into the basin and, as he had expected, the water became red. It made his stomach turn and immediately an image of Bård duct taped and bleeding entered his head. It wasn’t the first time that had happened, but seeing the blood that had washed out in the basin eliminated any distance Vegard had managed to put between himself and that day. Repeating that step, he rinsed the other clumps of hair, and then left to get some clean water. He returned with the basin and a washcloth.

 

“What’s in my hair?” Bård was sort of annoyed that he couldn’t see what Vegard was doing and he had thought that Vegard would explain it more.

 

“Uh… I don’t know.” He really hadn’t wanted to upset Bård. And, maybe almost as much, he hadn’t wanted to think about what the substance was. He rinsed the tips of Bård’s hair again and then used the wet washcloth to rub through the ends of the hair. Washing the blood out felt somewhat cathartic, so he took his time.

 

A sick feeling hit Bård. “It’s blood?” So far, he’d been able to keep thoughts of the attack at bay. He searched his brother’s face, hoping he was wrong.

 

Lying would have been easier but he couldn’t, not about that. Biting his lip, Vegard nodded. They looked at each other, neither one knowing what to say; and then there was just silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Vegard left to rinse out the washcloth. He returned and without a word he once again wiped the ends of Bård’s hair, needing to know that every bit of the blood was gone.

 

Sensing that Vegard was even more bothered by it than he was, and becoming uncomfortable with the silence, Bård made a joke. “I didn’t think you’d have to wash my hair until we were in a nursing home.”

 

Vegard was grateful for something to take his thoughts away from the memories that he’d been reliving. “What makes you think I’d be washing your hair in the nursing home? You’re the younger one, you’d have to take care of me.”

 

“I wouldn’t be very good at that. If I had to take care of your hair I’d…” He tried to look thoughtful as he slowly shook his head. “How do you clean that Turkish mop, anyway?” He turned cautiously to catch Vegard’s eyes, hoping that he was finding this amusing and not annoying. He shouldn’t have worried. Vegard understood what he was doing.

 

He laughed quietly but his attention was still on his task. “Shampoo and water usually does the trick. Look forward so I can see what I’m doing.” He could no longer see any indication of the incident coming off onto the washcloth, but he continued to rub the cloth over the hair as if by erasing all traces of blood he could erase the event itself.

 

Bård sat quietly. Uncomfortable images of the attack were peaking out from the far corners that he had pushed them to. It was like a twisted photo album of images from the event. Some of them were out of focus, too many of the details still being hidden away. And some of them were only partial, like a poorly framed photo of only the tops of people’s heads. If these images were the only evidence available to piece together the details of attack, someone else would probably be at a loss to describe anything that had happened. But they were enough to summon up many of the emotions he had felt during the attack: terror, agony, helplessness, fear for Vegard’s safety, and even the feeling of acceptance of his own death that had fallen over him near the end. It was something he never wanted to think about again and something that he didn’t think he would ever be rid of.

 

The silence between them wasn’t the comfortable kind. It had become heavy and suffocating from the thoughts that were consuming both of them. Bård had to end it. “I’m afraid I’d probably have to shave your head.” Laughing, he looked for Vegard’s reaction.

 

Vegard laughed, a genuine laugh. “You little shit.” He had been drying Bård’s hair a little with a towel. Deciding to be done, he cuffed Bård lightly on the head.

 

For reasons he couldn’t explain, something about his own joke began to upset him. Maybe it was that he had just suggested that he wouldn’t be willing to take care of his brother. Maybe it was the thought of something happening to Vegard that would make him incapable of taking care of himself. He was trying not to, but he started to cry. He turned his head away hoping that somehow he could stop.

 

Picking up the washcloth and the basin, Vegard hadn’t notice the change in his brother. A ragged breath caught his attention. “Bård?” Setting everything down, he put a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

 

Turning his head, he looked up into Vegard’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t do that.”

 

Exhaling a heavy sigh, Vegard took his brother in his arms. He was a little choked up and it took a couple of seconds to respond. “I know. I know… we were just kidding around.”

 

“I wouldn’t…” He wanted to say more but his emotions were all over the place.

 

“Shh. I know. It’s good... it’s good we’re still around to tease each other. Right?”

 

“MmHmm.”

 

They were talking quietly when, only a few minutes later, their mom and dad arrived. “I thought we said it didn’t make sense for all three of us to be here at the same time.” Vegard had a smile on his face, but his voice betrayed his irritation. Their dad rolled his eyes in response, indicating that he’d had no say in the matter. Their mother totally ignored the comment and, patting Vegard’s arm briefly, slipped by him to give Bård a hug. The look on Bård’s face was priceless and both Vegard and his dad covered their mouths to smother laughs.

 

Vegard took the opportunity to remove the basin and the wash cloth, before questions were asked. Rinsing them both in the bathroom sink, he felt some satisfaction at having washed away those telltale signs of the incident. But then, the all too recent image of Bård’s blood in the basin came back to him. If only he could wash the memories away as easily.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Bård had been in the hospital for nine days, he finally asked one of the questions that he had been afraid to ask. “What happened to our show?” It was obvious that Vegard wasn’t working on it right now, he was at the hospital every day. Bård didn’t want to change that, he really needed him right now. Plus, his dad had needed to go back to Bergen for work and he wasn’t sure if he could handle being there all alone with his mother. He loved her, but she tended to treat him like he was ten even when he wasn’t in the hospital. In the hospital, it was more like six. Vegard was always a good buffer.

 

Vegard had been waiting for that question. He’d already decided that Bård wasn’t going to have to make any of those decisions. “Don’t worry about it.” He had been trying to connect Bård’s laptop to the hospital’s internet and he barely looked up from the screen.

 

“Don’t worry about our show?” That was an extremely unsatisfactory answer. “What do you mean? Did they cancel us?”

 

“No! They wouldn’t cancel us because you got hurt. I don’t think any TV network could get away with that kind of publicity nightmare.” Vegard looked up, shaking his head to get an errant curl out of his eyes. “I know what we always say about network reps, but no one is that bad.”

 

“Well, are you and Calle going to do the show?” Now that he had Vegard’s attention he was not going to let go.

 

A silence hung in the room as Vegard contemplated how to shut this line of questioning down. _How can I get him to drop this? There's no reason for him to worry about it._ “Just let me handle it.”

 

Rather than seeing that as a release from responsibilities, a look of hurt crossed Bård’s face. “It’s my show too.”

 

“Of course it is! I know that.” Vegard set down the computer and went to Bård’s side, touching his hand lightly, hoping to relax him. “I just want you to rest while you’re in the hospital.” That was probably a bit of a lie. It made it sound like once Bård was out of the hospital Vegard would be fine with him taking an active role in decision making. He was planning on Bård taking more time off than that. “You know, everything won’t fall apart if you take a little break.”

 

“What aren’t you telling me?”

 

His plan was failing miserably. Not telling Bård anything seemed to be worrying him more than anything he could have told him. “Nothing. Nothing bad.” He sighed with resignation. “Look, I’ll tell you what is happening if you promise not to get too excited about it.”

 

“I promise.” Bård had answered quickly, obviously knowing the ‘appropriate’ answer to get what he wanted.

 

Vegard looked at him sternly. “I’m serious. Can you do that?”

 

He at least appeared to think about it before answering. “I think so, I’ll try.”

 

“For now, the show is on hiatus. We’ll probably be brought back in the spring. We may have to do a few extra shows to make a spring season, but that will be ok. Everyone has been really great about it at the office. I didn’t have to do much, Calle’s been my go-between. They took care of making all the calls to shut it down for a while.” He had begun moving around the bouquets and flowering plants that Bård had received. Not fulfilling their agreements was something that neither of them took lightly and it helped to be able to look away from Bård from time to time as he told him.

 

“You and Calle could have done the show.” He wasn’t sure why he kept bringing that up. It wasn’t really something he wanted.

 

“I didn’t want to do the show without you. Besides you’re going to need some help for a while, until you feel better, and I wouldn’t have been able to do both.” He was staring at a teddy bear and a stuffed, plush banana; not sure where to put either of them and wondering what the thought process had been in giving those gifts.

 

Bård felt like he should argue about that. He should be fine once he got out of the hospital. But the thought of Vegard being busy all day (and all evening) at IKMY while he sat home recuperating sounded very scary. He knew that he couldn’t do that right now. “How can we do the show in the spring when we’re doing our stage show then?”

 

Vegard didn’t answer right away. It was long enough for Bård to answer his own question. “Oh… we’re not doing a stage show now, are we?” Part of him felt quite relieved. The thought of going back to the auditorium to rehearse made him want to throw up. But it also made him feel like something had been taken away from him that he might never get back.

 

Vegard set down the toys and returned to Bård’s side. He didn’t know what to say. It felt like a huge loss. And yet, considering what he could have lost, it was merely a disappointment. He picked up his brother’s hand. “Are you ok? Say something.”

 

“This seems really unfair.” He looked down at his lap.

 

That seemed to sum it up. Hearing it put so simply seemed to knock all the air out of him. Bård’s sad gaze turned, his blue eyes looking to him to somehow fix this. To fulfill his big brother role and take the hurt away. Yet again, he felt like he was somehow failing his little brother. But it was out of his control. “It _is_ really unfair. None of this is your fault.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Bård was sitting on his own couch, in his own house, for the first time in almost two weeks. He had just gotten home from the hospital and Vegard wanted him to lay down and take a nap. There were few things that Bård wanted less than to go into his bedroom and sleep. He insisted on sitting in the living room instead. A rather impassioned debate had ensued until Vegard conceded, but only on the condition that Bård would lie down and rest on the couch.

 

The house had been freshly cleaned top to bottom by their mother, who had made a point of telling Vegard that she didn’t know how Bård could live that way. It wasn’t the way he had been brought up. Vegard had laughed at her comment, partly because he knew that Bård’s house could get a little out of hand, especially when they were in the thick of a season of _IKMY_ , but mostly because he knew that it would have been the least of her concerns just a week ago. Vegard made a  point of telling Bård the next day when he visited him in the hospital, because he knew it would make him laugh.

 

Bård’s back was still sore from his stab wounds, even though they were healing well on the surface, so Vegard brought a number of extra pillows into the living room and was intent on making the couch more comfortable. Two blankets had been placed on Bård’s lap, with another one folded at his feet in case he got chilly. For some reason two more blankets had just been set on the back of one of the chairs that sat next to the couch. “Vegard! Just sit down! I’m fine, really. I don’t need any more blankets.”

 

“I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.” Vegard handed him the TV controller and an extra pillow, which Bård had to set on the floor next to the couch, because he didn’t know where else to put it. Vegard had been busying himself with making his brother comfortable since he’d brought him home half an hour ago.

 

“I’m comfortable. If I get any more comfortable I might slip into a coma.”

 

“That’s _not_ funny!” Vegard lost his unflappable caretaker demeanor and showed the smallest bit of irritation for the first time since the attack.

 

Normally, Bård would have enjoyed getting a rise out of his brother. But instead, inexplicably, he felt defenseless and tears started gathering in his eyes. “I guess you’re right. Sorry.” Bård hastily turned on the TV, hoping to distract himself.

 

As quickly as Vegard had become irritated, it had passed. “So, do you want anything to eat?” He was picking up the two extra blankets he had just brought in, which he had to admit were overkill, and he was oblivious to the fact that Bård was fighting back tears.  

 

“No. I’m not hungry.”

 

Vegard left the room to put the extra blankets back in the hall closet. “Are you sure?” he called out from the hallway. He looked concerned when he returned to the living room , a look that Bård hated to be the cause of.

 

“Maybe in a little while.” He could tell that Vegard wasn’t completely satisfied with that response but the subject was dropped, for now. After bringing Bård a glass of water and some juice (because at least he might get a few calories from that), Vegard disappeared into the kitchen.

 

Bård was flipping through the channels trying to find something, anything, decent to watch. He had thought that Vegard would be coming right back, but after more than five minutes he grew impatient.  “What are you doing in there?”

 

“I want to make sure we have something to make for dinner and enough things to eat that you like.” Vegard’s voice sounded muffled, like his head was buried inside the refrigerator.

 

Bård rolled his eyes at the thinly veiled reference to his eating habits. Vegard seemed to be making him into a project. “Could you just come out here already?”

 

After a few moments Vegard came to the doorway to respond.  “Do you want something?”

 

Bård recognized the expression on his face. It was the one he wore when Bård was dragging him away from something he thought he should be doing. “I thought we were going to watch a movie.” Truth be told, he really didn’t want to be alone.

 

“I thought you were going to take a nap.” Vegard was concerned about his brother.  He looked tired and, even though he was getting better, the first few nights that Bård had been in the hospital were still a fresh memory.

 

“All I’ve done is sleep for the last 12 days. Mom got us groceries before she went home, didn’t she? I’m sure we’re ok for tonight.” He was starting to feel a bit panicky. The warm, comforting feeling of finally being back home had faded. The anxious feeling that had caused the nurses to give him a sleep aid at night was setting in. He did not want to be alone.

 

“Why don’t you just rest for an hour and then we’ll watch a movie?” Honestly, it was like he was negotiating with a child. He was about to retreat into the kitchen hoping that if he was quick about it Bård would give up and rest for a while. But he made the mistake of looking directly into Bård’s pale blue eyes. Bård’s eyes were always expressive, but since the attack - or “since that happened”, which was usually what they said when they couldn’t get around making reference to it - his eyes had an added something going on. Vegard couldn’t quite say what it was, but he was having a hard time saying no to those eyes.

 

Vegard came into the living room. “What’s going on? Are you ok?”  He squatted down next to Bård, adjusting his pillows and blankets for the umpteenth time.

 

“I just… I just thought you were going to sit in here.” Suddenly his voice had become quite small. For a moment Vegard could picture his little brother, at the age of 10, when he’d gotten home from having his tonsils removed. Vegard had stayed inside with him, for the better part of two beautiful summer days, playing video games and fetching countless bowls of ice cream. Apparently, he’d never been very good at saying no to his brother when he was hurting.

 

“Ok.” He touched Bård’s arm for a moment and gave it a couple of light squeezes. “What movie do you want to watch?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bård had just woken up on the couch from a long nap and was lying there thinking. The couch had been made up into a bed the night before because, although Bård had a three bedroom home, he only owned the one bed. Vegard had complained a bit about having to sleep on the couch, saying that adults usually had a guest bedroom. Bård had reminded him that he hadn’t found it so objectionable a couple of months ago when they had holed up in what was his _music_ room, and _not_ a guest bedroom, writing their current hit song. Vegard had looked at him sideways, still slightly annoyed, but it had shut him up for a while.

 

Later, when they were going to bed, Bård had tried to talk Vegard into taking the bed and letting him sleep on the couch. But Vegard insisted that Bård sleep in his own bed, thinking that he would be more comfortable. Now, peaking out from under his mostly closed eyelids, Bård watched his brother sitting next him in the leather chair. It was comforting to know he was near.

 

Vegard had been answering email for most of the time that Bård had been sleeping. After spending the last few hours working on it, Vegard was feeling a little stressed. Even though their show had been put on hiatus there was still work to do, and now he was going to have to take care of all of it by himself. Not that he minded exactly, he was still very aware of how lucky they were that Bård was recovering. It was just that there were only so many hours in a day.

 

A few more minutes passed with Bård laying on the couch, quietly thinking. One question was bouncing around his brain, over and over again, the same question that had been on his mind since his condition had improved enough to ponder much of anything. Laying on the couch, covered in blankets, he felt warm and cozy and protected. It may have been part of what made him feel safe enough to finally voice his question, the question that Vegard had been most dreading. “Have they caught the guy who did it?”

 

“What guy?” He knew it was silly to play dumb. He pretty much regretted it as soon as the words had left his mouth. But he thought there was a chance, no he hoped there was a chance,  that Bård was asking about someone else. Maybe someone that he’d heard about on the news. Not that they’d really been following the news much recently.

 

“You know. The guy… from our… our dressing room.” He really didn’t want to say any of the words that would have described it better. Assault. Duct Tape. Knife. Torture. Sadist. Those were words that he was avoiding at all costs.

 

“Oh… him…” This was something that worried Vegard, too. He thought about it daily. He could only imagine how Bård must feel about it. But he needed to be honest. “No. No, they haven’t. The police have followed all the leads they have. The fingerprints on the…” He really didn’t want to say the word either. “knife… didn’t match with anyone that they had on file.”

 

“Oh...” The last thing he heard clearly was “No, they haven’t.” After that, it was hard to concentrate.

 

Vegard waited for a minute, thinking Bård would say something more. “The police are still working on it… they call me every three days or so to let me know what’s happening with the investigation.”

 

“Uh huh.” As hard as he tried, it was difficult to grasp the words coming at him.

 

“Do you have more questions about it?” He could see that Bård was upset, the color had drained from his face.

 

“No.” A tornado-like panic was spinning through his head, jumbling up his thoughts.

 

Vegard continued, thinking that Bård might feel better if they talked about it. “Do you want to hear about TVNorge’s new security plan?”

 

“No. I… I don’t want to talk about it.” He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to run. He wanted to scream.

 

“The police are not going to give up… they’ll find him.”

 

“Mm Hmm.” He was sure all the air had been sucked out of the room.

 

“Do you want to hear about the leads that they’re…”

 

He had to get out of there. He had to get out of there, right now! “No, Vegard! I really don’t want to talk about it!” Bård stood up abruptly and rushed out of the room.

 

A few seconds later Vegard heard the bedroom door slam shut. Sitting frozen in his chair, he didn’t know what to do. Obviously, he had handled this all wrong. He had thought that waiting until Bård asked about it would be best. That way he would ask when he was ready. Maybe he should have talked to Bård about it sooner. But when exactly was the best time to tell your brother that the man who attacked and tortured him hadn’t been caught? Were there self-help books about that? Maybe he should have googled it.

 

Bård was sitting on his bed trying to process what he’d just heard. The man hadn’t been caught. They didn’t know who he was. He could be anywhere. Bård had known that it was a possibility but, when Vegard told him that the man was still free, it felt so much worse than he had been prepared for and his mind sort of shut down. He had thought he was ready to find out about his assailant, but he wasn’t. He was pretty sure he wasn’t ready for any additional information that would come if he asked more questions.

 

Still, he shouldn’t have yelled at Vegard. Why did he keep freaking out about everything? He just felt like his once steady world was constantly tilting now and he couldn’t seem to keep his feet under him. He had thought that Vegard might come after him to make sure he was alright, but he hadn’t. So now he was alone. _You’ve got to pull yourself together, Ylvisåker!_ He made himself get off the bed and head back out to the living room. When he opened the door he found Vegard standing there.

 

“I was about to knock.” Vegard looked a little surprised and shifted his weight nervously.

 

“I was just coming out to… to tell you I’m sorry.” He looked down at his feet. “I kind of freaked out.” He paused, not sure what else to say, but not sure if he’d fixed it.

 

A smile crossed Vegard’s face and he reached out and took hold of Bård’s wrist. “Hey, don’t worry about it.”

 

The warmth on his wrist gave him the reassurance he needed to look up. Seeing the smile on Vegard’s face, he realized he was forgiven. He let out a nervous breath. “I still don’t really want to talk about it. Is that ok?”

 

“Sure. Whatever you want.”  Vegard was still holding his wrist and gently rubbing it with his thumb. “Come on. Why don’t you come into the kitchen and kibitz while I make dinner?”

 

“It’s not kibitzing if you actually need my advice.” Trailing his brother to the kitchen, he could feel his anxiety slipping away for the moment.

 

“Yeah. Uh huh. Whatever.” He couldn’t help feeling relieved by the verbal jab. The Bård he knew was still in there, he just needed time to heal.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When he looked up from his breakfast he saw that Bård still had barely eaten anything. He really didn’t look any better today than the day before, if anything he looked a little more tired. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“What? Oh, yeah… fine. Although, you were snoring in the middle of the night.”

 

“Pfffft! Are you saying that my snoring out in the living room disturbed you in your bedroom? Isn’t that a little like _The Princess and the Pea_?”

 

“I think you’re underestimating the decibel level when you’re sawing logs out there.”

 

“Whatever you say, princess.” They looked at each other and started cracking up. “Is there something else you’d like to eat?”

 

“No. I’m fine.”

 

Vegard was biting his lower lip. _He’s been home for almost five days. He really should be eating more._

 

There was a little tension in the room. Bård knew that his brother was trying to be patient with him. But he was pretty sure that Vegard was about to give him a lecture.

 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Vegard’s phone was vibrating on the kitchen table. He picked it up and, seeing who it was, he smiled. “Hi, Calle.”

 

Bård watched as Vegard listened and then started laughing. He really should thank Calle for getting him out of that lecture.

 

“That’s hysterical!”

 

Vegard laughed some more and was shaking his head. It made Bård smile, and reminded him that they hadn’t been doing much of that lately.

 

“Yeah. Ok. Here.” Vegard held out his phone to Bård.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s Calle. He wants to talk to you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just take the phone, you dork.”

 

He did as he was told and brought it up to his ear. “Hi, Calle.”

 

“Hi, Bård! How are you doing?”

 

“Ok.” There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence until Calle realized that Bård wasn’t going to add anything.

 

“I was thinking of coming over to see you. Would this morning be alright?”

 

“Um… That would be… I mean… maybe not today… but sometime soon, ok?”

 

“Yeah… sure… Are you ok? Can I get you anything?” Calle sounded like he’d been warned to treat him with kid gloves. Calle was usually pretty direct and not one to be put off so easily. Bård felt both annoyed and relieved that Vegard was being so protective of him.

 

“I’m fine. Vegard is making me rest a lot.” For a moment he heard the forced conversational tone of his own voice. It wasn’t very believable.

 

Vegard looked up from his newspaper with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Ok, good. Well… in a few days then, alright?”

 

“Yeah, sure. Thanks. Bye, Calle.” Bård hung up quickly, so that Vegard wouldn’t have a chance to talk to Calle again.

 

“Did you just tell him that I make you rest a lot?”

 

“I meant it in a good way.” Other than the day he had come home from the hospital and argued about taking a nap, Vegard hadn’t needed to say anything to get him to rest. Bård was tired and had been lying down to rest on his own. He had said it hoping that Calle would take it as an explanation of why he couldn’t come over. Of course, one conversation with Vegard would have straightened that out.

 

“You told him not to come over?”

 

“I just… I don’t know. I didn’t want to today.”

  
Vegard wanted to pursue it, but it was so hard to know where the line was. Bård seemed to be so emotionally fragile a lot of the time. Maybe it was best if Calle waited a few days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this story is definitely going towards the angst. And more so after this, before it gets better. I hope it doesn't turn people off. 
> 
> I'll probably put another chapter up soon.


	9. Chapter 9

Bård had been home for a week and Vegard was worried about him. He was doing most of what Vegard asked him to do, which was worrisome enough, but he didn’t seem to be getting better. Every morning Vegard would make a big breakfast, hoping that Bård would see something that appealed to him. And every morning, it was pretty obvious that Bård didn’t have much of an appetite and was eating mostly for Vegard’s benefit. That didn’t really matter. As he got stronger he would be able to do more and would work up his own appetite. At least that’s what Vegard kept telling himself.

 

Today, when Vegard woke up at seven, Bård was already in the kitchen sitting on one of the kitchen chairs on the far side of the table by the wall. He had his knees pulled up like he was cold. He was still dressed in his t-shirt and flannel pants that he’d worn to bed. He didn’t say anything when Vegard got up and started moving around, but Vegard wasn’t making an effort to be quiet so he must have heard him. Vegard saw him out of the corner of his eye as he was about to go down the hall to the bathroom. Wondering what the deal was, he turned around and entered the kitchen. “Hey, good morning! What are you doing up?”

 

Bård had been staring off into the distance, his thoughts were somewhere else. “Oh, g’morning.” Bård’s voice sounded flat. It wasn’t his normal morning voice. Usually he either sounded tired and grumpy, or just flat out annoyed first thing in the morning. But either way there was a definite energy about him. He hadn’t heard Bård’s normal morning voice for weeks.

 

“Why are you sitting there?” Vegard spoke softly, as if he were approaching an injured fawn.”

 

“I was hungry, but I thought I’d wait for you to get up.” Bård looked up at him then. His eyes looked a little red, but they had every morning ever since he’d gotten home. The doctor had warned them that his medication could cause dryness and it seemed to be effecting his eyes as well as his throat. He reminded himself that he should try to get Bård to drink more water today.

 

Bård was never one to be that hungry at breakfast, even when he was feeling at his best, so it was a bit odd that he was up and waiting for breakfast. But maybe it was a good sign. “You look cold.” Vegard went back into the living room to get a blanket and when he came back he wrapped it around Bård’s shoulders, giving him a little squeeze. Then thinking about it, he bent down and gave his little brother a proper hug. “You know, you could have woken me up. How long have you been waiting?”

 

“I don’t know, not long.”

 

“What would you like for breakfast?” Vegard turned the undercabinet lights on so that there was a warm glow to the kitchen.

 

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“I just thought maybe if you were hungry, you were hungry for something special.”

 

“No, not really.”

 

Vegard was a little frustrated and forced himself to conceal a sigh. “Alright, then. I’m going to put some water on for tea and go wash up a bit and then I’ll make something for us to eat. Sound good?”

 

“Yeah. Thanks.” Bård looked like he was warming up a bit under the blanket.

 

* * *

 

After breakfast, which Bård had pushed around his plate in a valiant effort to look interested, Vegard sent his brother to take a shower. They had gotten into a routine where after they’d each gotten dressed (something that Vegard had insisted on after Bård stayed in his pajamas for the first two days) they would read the paper and then play cards. Vegard didn’t care much for card games but, the first full day that Bård had been home, they had started to play one of the video games that they usually enjoyed playing when Bård abruptly dropped his controller and left the room after only a few minutes. He had gone into the bathroom and wouldn’t even answer Vegard at first when he knocked on the door. It had quickly dawned upon Vegard that the game was quite graphically violent in a way that had never bothered either of them before. Up until now that kind of thing didn’t seem very real in their world. But things weren’t like before. So, Vegard had found some cards and when Bård came back into the living room they had played for a couple of hours. The next day Bård had asked to play cards and the third day Vegard had used the card game as leverage to get Bård into the shower and dressed. Now it seemed like the card game was one of the few things that Bård actually cared about, so Vegard wouldn’t think of denying it from him.

 

Depending on how long the game kept Bård’s attention they either had lunch or watched a little TV and then had lunch. As soon as lunch was over Bård took over the couch and, unlike the first day when Vegard brought him home, took a long nap. It worried Vegard that such little activity seemed to wear him out, but the surgeon, Dr. Ekdahl, had explained to him that a knife wound tended to damage a lot of tissue. The blade had ripped through him going in, and maybe more if it was twisted and probably even more as it was coming out again. Dr. Ekdahl had said he’d prefer dealing with bullet wounds over knife wounds every time. He had warned Vegard that Bård’s body had a lot of healing to do and that it would take time.

 

Vegard was as quiet as he could be during the afternoons. He’d tried to get Bård to take his nap in his bedroom so that it would be easier for him to work around the house, but Bård would always insist on the couch saying he needed a change of scenery. Often, Vegard would end up sitting in the chair next to him working on his computer, which seemed to be Bård’s preference. He was careful not to let him sleep too long in the afternoon, so that it wouldn’t disturb his sleep at night. But, so far, he always looked pretty tired in the evening as well.

 

Vegard didn’t know why, but he had a nagging feeling that he should take Bård to the doctor before his scheduled follow-up visit. Maybe it was just the voice of his mother in his ear. “Take care of him, Vegard. I know he’ll fight it, but he needs you to take care of him right now.”  It had annoyed him when his mother said that. First of all, why she thought it was his responsibility to take care of someone who was already into his thirties was beyond him. Second of all, she should know that of course he was going to take care of his brother. He always did. At least, he always had until he left Bård alone in their dressing room. And besides, he’d just spent days wondering whether Bård was still going to be in his world or not. That experience had earned Bård many hours of his care.

 

So, while Bård was in the shower, Vegard called Dr. Odland’s office and managed to get him an appointment for that morning. Dr. Odland was Bård’s primary physician and had overseen his care in the hospital. When Bård came out of his bedroom, still barefooted but dressed in his jeans and a sweater, Vegard told him that he had a doctor’s appointment at 10:30 am.

 

“No! Why?”

 

“I’m just concerned. I want to make sure you’re ok.” Vegard was still cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast. Any hopes that he’d had that Bård would just go along with this plan were dashed when he saw the reaction on his brother’s face.

 

“But I am ok. What have I done wrong?”

 

That question sort of hit Vegard in his gut. He turned from the sink and faced his brother. “Bård, this isn’t a punishment. I just think we should make sure you’re healing like they expected.”

 

“But don’t I already have an appointment scheduled for that purpose?”

 

Vegard sighed. He was torn between not upsetting Bård and doing everything he could to take care of him. He walked up to his brother and put a hand on his shoulder. “Come on. It will only take a little while. Maybe we could go out to lunch afterwards. Would you like that?” He was not above a little bribery if that would help.

 

Bård had a pained expression on his face. He wanted to stay in his house. He _really_ wanted to stay in his house. But he could see that Vegard had made up his mind, he wasn’t going to get out of the doctor’s appointment. And he knew that a healthy response would probably be to want to go out to lunch. Especially when Vegard mentioned his favorite lunch place. So, he tried to put on a happy face and just get through it.

 

* * *

 

The doctor’s appointment took longer than Vegard had expected. It was a busy office and they were behind schedule. When it was their turn, Dr. Odland took his time examining Bård and listening to Vegard’s concerns. Bård had told his brother that he might as well come into the exam room, since he was the one with the complaints. Bård said very little, other than when Dr. Odland asked him something directly. Even then he seemed to use the fewest words possible. Just when it seemed like he was done, the doctor decided to run some blood work as long as he was there. Vegard was trying to gauge his mood while this was going on. He assumed that Bård was angry with him and that that was why he was being so quiet, but he decided to ignore it.

 

It was almost noon when Dr. Odland told them they could leave. As the doctor had thought, the blood work indicated that Bård was a little anemic. But, given his injuries, it wasn’t too unusual. He prescribed an iron pill and lectured Bård a bit about trying to eat a healthy diet, as that was really the best way to properly fuel and heal his body. Vegard was careful not to react to that in front of Bård. He even wondered if Bård would think he’d put the doctor up to it. But when they left the doctor’s office, Bård didn’t say anything at all about it. Much as he didn’t want to have a row with Bård about his diet, somehow it made him sad that Bård wasn’t fighting back. It wasn’t like him.

 

* * *

 

When they got to the restaurant, it was pretty crowded, the lunch time rush was in full swing. They were lucky to get a table at all, much less the one they got next to the window. The view was beautiful with the dock just beyond the boardwalk and countless sailboats bobbing in the midday sun. It was a little cool outside but the sun had made the enclosed three-season eating area comfortably warm. It was almost a perfect fall day with an amazingly blue sky and a few puffy white clouds moving across the sky. If Bård had felt well, Vegard would have suggested taking the plane up for a few hours, but he tried not to think about that as it would probably be a while before Bård was up to a full day out. As it was, he could see that Bård was getting a little overly tired already.

 

They were eating their meal when the party at the table behind Bård finished and got up to leave. The commotion seemed to make Bård uncomfortable, but they left quickly. Soon another party was seated at the table. Not long after, the waiter arrived to take their order. Followed by a waitress from the bar bringing some wine. Every time someone passed behind Bård’s chair he closed his eyes and flinched. He was starting to breathe more quickly and had to put his fork down because his hands were shaking. Vegard, having noticed this, was speaking to him soothingly, trying to calm him down; but Bård didn’t seem to be able to concentrate on what Vegard was saying, his eyes were darting around the room. When the waiter returned to the other table unexpectedly, to apologise for being out of halibut, Bård jumped. He mumbled something about having to leave and took off toward the door. Vegard followed him but had a hard time keeping up because people were standing in between tables, chatting. When Vegard got outside he couldn’t see Bård anywhere.

 

Now his heart was racing. He really didn’t think Bård was well enough to be off on his own. He was feeling a little panicky when he spotted him across the street leaning against a small building on the boardwalk. It was a tiny place that sold beverages and snacks that people could take with them as they walked along the boardwalk on a nice day. Vegard crossed the street and jogged over to Bård. “What was that?” His voice sounded a little more irritated than he had intended.

 

They had both run outside without their jackets and Bård was hugging himself for warmth. Tears welled in his eyes and he didn’t know what to say. “They kept walking behind me.” Vegard didn’t understand but gathered him in his arms and hugged him until Bård, who seemed to have pulled himself together, gently pushed him away. Seemingly unable to explain it any further, he simply said, “I’m sorry.”

 

Vegard wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t going to run out on the bill and besides their jackets were in there. But Bård still looked frightened and he didn’t want to leave him. “Are you ok to stay here while I run back and pay? Or do you want to come with me?”

 

“I’ll just wait here.”

 

“Ok. I’ll be right back.” Vegard started to leave, but turned back. “Don’t move, ok? You kinda scared me when you ran off.”

 

Bård just nodded and put his face down to hide the new tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang on. I'm not sure when we'll get to the end of the angst, but we will... eventually. 
> 
> As always, I love your feedback.


	10. Chapter 10

As he sat in the kitchen waiting for Vegard to wake up, which was how he dealt with the early morning hours, he was trying to calm his stomach by breathing deeply and slowly. He’d been able to ward off a couple of panic attacks that way this week, at least temporarily. It seemed like the more he tried to hold his anxiety at bay during the day, the greater his anxiety became at night. And the nights had already been almost unbearable. Last night he had managed to get some sleep. He wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep, he was trying not to, but he must have slept for at least a couple of hours before the dreams started.

 

There were times during the day, when he and Vegard were playing cards or laughing at a stupid TV show, that Bård almost felt normal. When that happened, he wanted to capture the feeling and not let go, but it never lasted more than a minute or two. He almost felt worse after those brief periods because it reminded him of what he’d lost. He didn’t know what to do, how to fix it, how to feel anything but broken.

 

The only thing that made it bearable was that Vegard had continued to stay with him. Vegard had always been his ballast, ever since they were kids. He hadn’t always seen it that way. At times, especially in his early 20’s, he had felt like Vegard was more of a tether holding him back. They had argued more back then. Their arguments had never turned into anything too serious, mostly due to his brother’s ability to calm him down. However, there had been a few times that he had given Vegard the silent treatment for days, the thought of which now made him cringe because he had done it knowing that it was more painful to Vegard than any verbal abuse he could possibly have slung in his direction. These days, he could see that Vegard had never held him back, he’d given him stability and helped him to stay on course. It was something he had figured out a few years ago, about the time they started _IKMY_. Even though he had appreciated that for a while now, he didn’t think he’d ever thanked his brother, at least not in so many words.

 

Almost everyday, something happened that made him wonder if today was the day that Vegard would decide it was time to go home. It was usually something quite small, nothing really if you weren’t constantly on guard for signs of discontent. One day, Vegard was just washing his sheets from the couch and Bård wondered if he was planning on putting them back on or away in the closet. Another day, Vegard had mentioned that he wished he had one of his books. Bård had quickly suggested that Vegard go get whatever books he wanted, but he’d said that it would be too hard because he didn’t know which one he might feel like looking at tomorrow. Yesterday he’d overheard a conversation that Vegard was having with their mother. He’d just woken up from his nap and heard Vegard talking about him and about how it was to be staying with him. It wasn’t so much what Vegard said as it was his tone. Bård thought he sounded weary of it.

 

Vegard had told their mom that Bård was doing better, a lot better, and that she didn’t need to worry about him. He supposed that Vegard could be trying to put their mother’s mind at ease, but he wondered if Vegard thought that he was doing well enough to be on his own. He had to admit that he thought he should be doing well enough by now. He thought that he should be back at work by now, but leaving his house wasn’t something he even slightly wanted to do.

 

He was pretty sure that Vegard wanted to get back to the office and he wondered if he shouldn’t encourage him to do that. Maybe he could handle Vegard being gone all day if he at least came back in the evening. But, even though he thought it probably was a good idea to suggest that, he couldn’t bring himself to do so. He wanted Vegard to be there, with him. So, he didn’t mention it and just held his breath each time something pointed to his brother moving out. He thought that every day that went by put him closer to when he would be able to handle it, although he really didn’t feel any closer to it now than he had the day he came home from the hospital.

 

Those were the things that he thought about in the lonely morning hours. His thoughts in the middle of the night were much more disturbing. Sometimes he would relive the attack. It would come over him without warning. It was so vivid that he could smell the odd smell that permeated the lower level of the auditorium, he could feel the rough, nubby fabric from the daybed that his face had been pushed down and rubbed into so many times that the abrasion on his cheek was still healing.  He could even feel the weight of his attacker on his back, which left him feeling like he was suffocating. And then there was the voice of his attacker which continued to sound as clear to him as if he were right there in the room.

 

Sometimes he’d wonder if that guy would come back. Would he break into his house? Was he safer with Vegard staying there with him or would the guy just kill them both? It made him want to send his brother back to his own place so that at least he could be safe. But where was safe? Would Vegard be safe at his home or would that guy break in and kill Vegard, leaving Bård alive and alone? That was definitely the worst scenario.

 

That was why by 4:30 am or 5:00 am he would sneak into the kitchen and wait for morning to come. If he were still seven he could just crawl into Vegard’s bed. He used to just push his way in, not even asking if it was ok, and Vegard always moved over to make room and made sure he had enough blankets. Vegard really didn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t be stuck taking care of his little brother. It wasn’t fair. He wished he was strong enough to tell Vegard to go home, but he could barely make it through the nights alone. As he sat in the kitchen, he could see the back of the couch through the doorway. Even though he couldn’t see Vegard, he knew he was there and that knowledge was his lifeline.

 

* * *

 

This morning when he woke up he had an especially large knot in his stomach. He knew that he had to go back to the doctor today. There was probably no getting around it. It had been a week since his last appointment, and since the incident at the restaurant, and he’d been dreading it.  He’d even considered saying that he felt ill, but then realized that it would only have been more of a reason to drag him there, not less.

 

He was worried that Vegard might tell the doctor about how he’d run out of the restaurant last week. Bård had done his best since then to stay in control in front of Vegard. It was something he reminded himself of throughout the day. _I’ve got to dial down the crazy_. He hoped that maybe, by now, Vegard thought it had been a momentary glitch. He wasn’t sure. He’d tried to convince him that he had just felt too hot in there and then with the tables so close had gotten kind of claustrophobic, but he wasn’t sure if Vegard bought it. Bård had been relieved when his brother eventually dropped the subject, but what if he brought it up to Dr. Odland? Bård made a point of keeping Vegard out of the exam room this time, trying his best to hold on to whatever little control he had over his world.

 

As soon as Dr. Odland entered the room, Bård started regretting that decision. He wasn’t comfortable being around other people now, even people he knew like Dr. Odland, and doing it without Vegard was terrifying. But, he had insisted on going in alone, so now he was stuck with it. Dr. Odland was asking him how he’d been since last week. He considered telling him about the incident at the restaurant, which would have made doing this without Vegard totally stupid, but he couldn’t find the words. He heard himself saying, “I’ve been fine.” The doctor was examining him and he wondered if the question had been meant to elicit information or simply intended to make the exam less awkward.  

 

The doctor then asked if he’d been getting outside at all. He thought about how Vegard had unsuccessfully been trying to get him to go out for a walk everyday. Bård told him, “Oh, you know, Vegard is all about getting in a daily walk.”  He wasn’t sure what Dr. Odland thought of that answer. He was standing a little behind Bård at the moment, pressing on his back and then listening to his lungs with a cold stethoscope. Having someone behind him, and not being able to see what he was doing, was making Bård very anxious.

 

“Have you been having any problems?” Well… that was a wide open question. Should he tell him about his sleep problems, the dreams, the nausea? Should he tell him that he didn’t want Vegard to leave him alone, or about how he worried about the guy who’d attacked him? And that was just off the top of his head. Where to start? There couldn’t possibly be enough time. He was pretty sure Dr. Odland had other people on his schedule that he still needed to see today. He wanted to say something, but all that came out was, “No, not really.”

 

Dr. Odland had stopped prodding and was looking him straight in the eyes. “So, what else have you done since I last saw you?” Bård’s answer was reflexive and he himself almost couldn’t believe what came out of his mouth. “We went out to eat last week at Lofoten. It was a beautiful day… sailboats… blue sky…”  Again he didn’t mention the panic attack. He tried telling himself that as panic attacks went it had been pretty mild. Most people probably hadn’t even noticed, maybe it wasn’t worth mentioning. It would be best if everyone just forgot about it. Although he was pretty sure that he’d never be able to go back to that restaurant again.

 

Vegard was waiting for him when he came out of the exam room. It was such a relief to see him that he felt like running up and throwing his arms around him. Which, he realized, would be weird.

 

At first his brother had his head down, completely enthralled by some magazine; but then he looked up and gave him a half smile. “How’d it go?”

 

“Fine.” Now that the appointment was over, he felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

 

Vegard stood up and handed Bård his jacket. He had an undecided look on his face as he was putting his own jacket on.  “Do you want to try going out for lunch?” He’d been debating whether to ask or not. In the end, he’d decided to give Bård the choice.

 

The question took him by surprise. Why in the world would Vegard want to even take a chance on bringing him anywhere? He didn’t know whether to feel touched that Vegard was willing to throw the crazy dice or to rethink his assumption that Vegard was of sound mind and perfectly capable of taking care of him. They couldn’t both be crazy at the same time! The thought made him chuckle. “No, I think we should go home.” Vegard was a little confused by his reaction and Bård had to turn away quickly and head to the door before the look on his brother’s face sent him into a laughing fit.

 

* * *

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

They were in the middle of their mid-morning card game when Vegard’s cell phone rang. Bård watched Vegard nod and heard him mm-hmm a few times and then tell whoever it was that he thought that would be fine.

 

“Who was that?” He thought it might be the doctor’s office. He had been in such a hurry to get out of there three days ago, that they hadn’t scheduled his next appointment. He wasn’t concerned about it, but he figured that someone would notice eventually.

 

“Calle. He went to the auditorium to pick up some of the things we left there. He’s coming over now.” The police had finally finished examining the dressing room and it was no longer cordoned off. They told Vegard that he could pick up any personal items that they hadn’t taken as evidence. Vegard didn’t think he was ready to go back there, so he had asked Calle to go for him. Obviously, he was not going to mention any of that to Bård. Vegard picked up the cards and finished dealing out the hand.

 

“He’s what?” Bård felt his heart start to beat faster.

 

“He’s coming over.” Vegard was studying his cards.

 

“Why?” There was an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach.

 

Looking up at Bård, Vegard laughed and scrunched up his nose. “Why do you think? He wants to see you.”

 

“Maybe _you_ could just talk to him.” One part of his brain was trying to find an escape, the other was telling him Calle was his friend. His really close friend.

 

“He wants to see _you_ , Bård. You didn’t feel up to it at the hospital, but you’ve been home more than two weeks now. I thought you’d like to have some company. Well, someone other than me.” Vegard tapped his cards on the table. “It’s your turn.”

 

“I like having you here.” _I need to have you here._ Panic was setting in. Vegard was going to leave.

 

“Thanks, I know… but you like Calle, too. Are you going to lay down a card?”

 

“You don’t have to stay here. I mean, if you need a break. I can be here alone. You don’t have to get someone to babysit me.” Once again, the thought that Vegard was getting tired of staying with him began to loom large in his mind. Furthermore, for reasons he couldn’t explain, having someone else stay with him was even more frightening. He was willing to bargain away a little time with Vegard if it would get him to stay.

 

“Who said anything about babysitting you?”

 

Bård had looked away and his breathing was more rapid.

 

“When you… when that happened…  Calle was the first person I called. He came right away and stayed there with me for days. I don’t know what I would have done…”

 

“Do we have to talk about what happened?” Bård interrupted, his voice was barely a whisper.

 

“I wasn’t. I was talking about afterwards.”

 

“Well, I don’t want to talk about that either.” Even to Bård, that didn’t sound like a reasonable request. But he couldn’t help it. He felt a panic rushing over him that all the deep breathing in the world couldn’t have held back.  “I don’t feel too well. I think I should lay down.” He put his cards on the table and stood up. He felt so dizzy that he almost sat down again, but his need to get out of there overrode any other concerns. “Say “hi” to Calle for me.” He was starting to feel like he couldn’t breathe, so he decided to escape to his bedroom. The irony of that was not lost on him.

 

Vegard stood up and followed. Bård was walking quickly so he almost had to jog to catch up. “Whoa. Wait up.” He reached out and put his hand on Bård’s arm.

 

_“Don’t! Don’t grab me!!”_ Bård spun around and jerked his arm away from Vegard.

 

Surprised, he put his hands up, trying to look the least threatening that he could. “Bård… I wasn’t going to hurt you…I wouldn’t ever...”

 

_“Just don’t! Don’t do that!”_ Bård hastily went into the bathroom and locked the door.

 

Vegard stood for a moment and stared at the closed door. Running his hand through his hair, he tried to figure out what he’d done wrong. He’d heard Bård’s words, but they almost didn’t make sense. He rapped softly on the bathroom door. “Bård. Would you please come out so we can talk about it?”

 

“I really don’t feel good.”

 

“Please, at least unlock the door.”

 

There was no reply and then he heard Bård begin to throw up. “Bård?” He listened to some groaning and then more retching. After a few rounds and what must have been everything in his stomach it became quiet. He waited as long as he could bear and then he tried again. “Bård, please unlock the door.” There was no answer. But then, eventually, the  latch clicked. He carefully opened the door and saw Bård leaning against the tub. Stepping into the bathroom he slowly approached Bård, not wanting to startle him again. “May I sit down by you?”

 

Bård nodded. His eyes were on the floor but Vegard could tell that there were tears in them.

 

“Is your stomach feeling better?” That seemed like a safe place to start. Vegard lowered himself to the floor and sat next to Bård, leaving some space between them to give Bård some breathing room.

 

He nodded again.

 

“I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry I grabbed you.” Somehow, that felt like an extremely sad thing to be saying to Bård. He wondered if he’d ever be able to touch Bård, without warning, again.

 

“I know.” He took a couple of ragged breaths. “I mean... you didn’t do anything wrong.” His voice was uneven and a few tears were falling down his cheeks.

 

As he looked at Bård, he felt unusually awkward. He wanted to hug him, but he didn’t want to upset him again.

 

Biting his lip, Bård looked pleadingly at his brother. “I’m sorry…” He was painfully aware of the space that Vegard had left between them.

 

“You don’t have to say that.”

 

“But I am.” He turned away from Vegard. His anguish was plainly visible on his face. Bård clearly wanted to say something, so Vegard waited. After a minute, he turned back and glanced at the piece of floor between himself and Vegard. “Now you don’t even want to be near me.”

 

Quickly closing the gap, he pulled Bård into a hug. “Of course I do. You’re not going to get rid of me that easily.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Bård had his face nuzzled into Vegard’s shoulder. His voice was a little muffled.

 

“Shh. It’s ok, Bård.” Vegard tried to hug him tightly enough so that he’d know he was safe, but it seemed like there was no way to reach him right now.

 

Bård kept repeating,“I’m sorry. Please don’t leave. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave.” His words came out strung so closely together that it sounded like one endless sentence.

 

“Don’t leave? Who said I was leaving?” Vegard’s question hung in the air, unanswered. His brother either hadn’t heard, or just couldn’t deal with it right now.

 

Eventually, Bård was saying the words so quietly that Vegard could barely hear them. When he was finally quiet, he just held on to Vegard, still shaking.

 

Vegard had held it together at first, but when his brother started saying “please don’t leave” his eyes started filling to the brim. He didn’t know why Bård thought he would leave, he hoped it wasn’t because he had left him... that day. All he could do was to try to reassure him. “Shh. Bård, I’m here. Don’t worry, I’m here.”

 

There was a knock on the front door and Bård loosened his hold on Vegard, so that he could answer it. But Vegard held on tight. “That’s ok. He can wait a minute.” He held him for a while longer and when he thought Bård could handle it, Vegard broke the hug. “I’ll go tell Calle he can’t see you today.”

 

* * *

 

Sitting next to his sleeping brother, Vegard wasn’t getting much work done. He had his computer on his lap, but he wasn’t able to concentrate. It had been opened to the same email for the last half hour, and he still hadn’t read it. Bård’s reaction to Calle coming over and his reaction to being grabbed kept rolling around in his head. And then, the way he had said, over and over, that he didn’t want Vegard to leave. It was overwhelming.

 

There was a buzzing in Vegard’s pocket. He pulled out his phone and saw the text from Calle.

 

I’m here!                              2:09pm

 

When he’d gone to the door earlier and told Calle that Bård wasn’t up to having visitors, Calle had been very understanding. It had been so difficult for Vegard to tell him that he couldn’t come in.  Calle had done so much for him, so much for both of them. But Calle was even keeled, he always had been. He assured Vegard that it was fine and told him to text him a grocery list. He’d go pick up some things for them.

 

He opened the door and Calle was there with his arms full of groceries. “Hi,” he whispered.

 

Calle smiled. “I texted so I wouldn’t wake him up.”

 

Vegard was a little concerned that if Bård woke up he might freak out that Calle was in his house. He kept glancing over his shoulder to see if Bård had stirred at all. Bård hadn’t move a muscle  and seemed to be dead to the world so Vegard grabbed a couple of the bags from out of Calle’s arms and motioned for him to follow. They went into the kitchen and Vegard put some water on for tea. Then he and Calle quietly put everything away.

 

When the tea was ready they took it to the sunny sitting room in the back of the house. They each took a place on the old IKEA couch which faced three large windows looking out over Bård’s backyard. They sipped their tea and settled into a comfortable silence.

 

As the minutes passed, Calle could see Vegard relax a little and begin to take deeper breaths. When he thought the time was right, he began. “Vegard, what is going on with Bård?”

 

He immediately felt defensive. “Well, he’s been through a lot, Calle. It’s going to take some time before he gets better.”

 

“I understand that… I just… Vegard, don’t you think he needs some help?” Calle realized he needed to tread lightly. The truth was that both of his friends had been through a lot over the last few weeks.

 

“I’m helping him.”

 

“Of course you are! I know that, I think he might need more than that though.” He’d known this conversation wouldn’t be easy, but hadn’t realized that it would be so painful. He was a little torn. It was pretty obvious that Vegard needed some support right now. But he loved Bård too and he was worried that Vegard was too close to see what was happening.

 

“Calle, I’m here all day. I don’t ever leave him alone.” He wasn’t sure what to say. He knew what Calle was getting at, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

 

“I know. Vegard, I’m not saying that you’re not here for Bård or that you’re not doing a good job, just that he might need some...professional help.”

 

“You mean a psychiatrist?” Vegard felt a lump in the pit of his stomach.

 

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know who exactly. I could help you find someone.”

 

“But…  I’m helping him.” Calle hated to see the hurt look on Vegard’s face. But now that he’d started, he decided to keep going.

 

“Vegard. You don’t have training as a counsellor. He went through something really crazy - actually you both did - I think he needs someone who has had experience.” He assumed that Vegard probably needed help too, but he had to focus on Bård right now. Besides, Vegard was much more likely to want to get help for Bård than for himself. It was a good place to start.

 

“Who’s had experience in this? If anything, I am the most qualified because I was there.” He was grasping at straws. He hated the thought of sending Bård to someone else for help.

 

“I meant counselling experience. I don’t think the counsellor has to have suffered through the same experience to help someone.”

 

Vegard was quiet. He knew that Bård wouldn’t want to do that. But he also felt like he didn’t want that. He wanted to take care of his brother. He felt like he’d messed up and he wanted to be the one who made it right. “I don’t know, Calle.”

 

Calle decided that he’d gone as far as he could for now. “Just don’t rule it out, ok?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. First off, this chapter ended up ridiculously long. Not that I don't enjoy reading long chapters, just compared to my other chapters. But for various reasons I didn't want to split it up... so there you have it.
> 
> Secondly, it may be good that this is a long chapter because I'm going to be away from my computer for the next week. So this is the last update for a while. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is still reading this story. I'm always interested to hear what you think about it.


	11. Chapter 11

It was 6:30am. Bård had been sitting out in the kitchen for a while. What had happened yesterday was still bothering him. He hated feeling so out of control. His emotions sometimes just took over and it scared him. Until yesterday, he hadn’t understood why letting Calle come over to visit was so upsetting. He had been afraid that Vegard might leave. But that should have been ok, right? He didn’t want Vegard to feel trapped. Just the thought reminded him of how trapped he had felt during the attack and made him want to crawl out of his skin.

 

This whole thing was his own fault. He should have told Vegard about the threats. It never would have happened if he had told Vegard. His brother was much more attentive to their security. He was so much more attentive to everything.  Why hadn’t he done anything to take care of it himself? He could have made a phone call to their manager or to the auditorium. He could have insisted on discussing it with Vegard. But he did nothing. And now Vegard had to pay for it. It was just like him to push that onto Vegard. This wasn’t Vegard’s fault. Why should his brother have to be stuck cleaning up the mess he had made? He was the one who walked off the stage during rehearsal. He was the one who then chose to take a nap. He was the one who had gotten depressed - there was no way he could fool himself about that anymore - because he wasn’t able to handle the pressure of their success.

 

All their success - their stage shows and the TV shows and especially their current show - was something he had wanted. It was something they’d worked very hard for. Vegard enjoyed it, he was sure of that, but he would have been just as happy doing other things. His brother was talented at so many things. It was Bård who had craved this life. He was the one who dragged Vegard into it from the beginning and Vegard had supported him whole-heartedly, working just as hard for it as he had. So why had he cracked from the pressure? Vegard had all the same pressures and he’d handled it. Actually, now Vegard had all those pressures plus the hassle of taking care of a brother who had totally lost it. How was any of this fair to Vegard?

 

He sometimes really hated himself for everything that had happened. Why did he have to go and ruin everything? They’d had to cancel so many appearances around the world, lost so many great opportunities. They’d had to cancel their stage show. They’d had to stop doing _IKMY_ mid-season. And even though Vegard said they could continue in the spring, Bård wasn’t so sure. _I don’t even want to go outside to get the mail, how can I go on stage?_

 

And all of that had led to his brother being stuck at his house, sleeping on the couch. And Bård couldn’t really see an end to it. He wondered if Vegard would end up hating him as much as he already hated himself. And then he was crying again. How could he be crying again? He was so sick of it. So sick of himself.

 

Quietly he got up from the kitchen table and made his way to the back of the house, to the sun room. It was already November and the sun wouldn’t be coming up until after eight. So, he sat in the dark on his old couch, crying by himself, trying not to wake up his brother. It seemed like the least he could do. He wondered how Vegard could be so patient with him. How would he have handled it if the situation had been reversed? He hoped he would be as kind and supportive. He hoped he would never lose his temper. But, honestly, he didn’t think he’d ever been that way. Vegard was born to be a big brother. He had looked out for Bård and Bjarte so easily, so willingly. Sometimes Bård had done the same for Bjarte, but he didn’t think he’d been very reliable at that. It was probably why Bjarte had gone to Vegard when he needed real big brotherly support. Bjarte had come to him when he wanted to know how to sneak out of the house to meet his friends or how to borrow the car, while their parents were out, without getting caught. Looking back on it, he was lucky nothing bad had happened to his little brother due to his advice. He couldn’t have lived with that.

 

“What are you doing in here?” Vegard was standing in the doorway to the sunroom hugging himself a little. The sunroom had been an addition to the house and wasn’t as well insulated as the rest of the structure. It was something that Bård had intended to fix, but their careers had gotten so busy since moving to Oslo that he never seemed to find the time. Bård was huddled in the corner of his couch trying to keep warm, his thoughts had been distracting him from actually noticing his physical discomfort.

 

He hurriedly wiped at his eyes, thankful for the dark and the lack of a lightswitch over by the doorway. “Just… um..  sitting.”

 

When Vegard had gotten up that morning he was surprised not to find Bård in the kitchen so he peaked into Bård’s room to check on him. When he only saw an empty bed an anxious feeling washed over him. He felt a sudden, urgent need to know that Bård was alright. He looked in the music room and the office, although Bård hadn’t gone into either of those rooms since he’d gotten home. He momentarily wondered if Bård had left the house all together. Then he thought of the sunroom.  

 

“Why don’t you have a sweater or something?” He said that almost more to himself than to Bård. He couldn’t understand how Bård could stand sitting there in the cold. He wasn’t even wrapped in one of the afghans that was draped on the back of the couch. “Here.” Vegard grabbed the warmest one, the one their grandmother had made, and wrapped it around his little brother. Then, sitting down next to him, he pulled the fleece afghan off the back of the couch and wrapped it around himself. He wondered, if the light had been on, if he would have seen his breath; but then he reasoned that it couldn’t be that cold back there.

 

They sat quietly together. Calle’s words from yesterday replayed in Vegard’s head: _don’t you think he needs some help?_ He had thought about it ever since Calle left yesterday afternoon. At first, he ran through all the reasons why Calle was wrong:

 

       Bård wouldn’t do better talking to someone else, Bård was only comfortable with him.

       Bård was still healing, you couldn’t expect him to recover overnight. 

       Dr. Odland didn’t seem to think he needed more help. Surely he would have said something if he did.

 

And, of course, the one that even _he_ knew wasn’t true:

 

       Bård _is_ getting better.

 

He had to admit the list was short. They weren’t new arguments. He’d already been trying to convince himself that Bård was doing ok - was at least progressing somewhat - for a while now. When he was honest with himself, he thought Bård looked worse than when he first brought him home. He was losing weight. He looked pale and tired. And he seemed to become more quiet and withdrawn every day.

 

Sometimes he could convince himself that it was part of the healing process. It was just going to take more time. But Bård barely seemed like his brother anymore. He missed Bård’s funny comments and constant teasing.  He missed him continually making up funny little songs, always with perfect meter and rhyme. He used to do that at the office, practically everyday, just for fun. He missed the way he drummed on the table to some song that was running through his head. At times, Vegard had thought that the drumming would drive him mad. They’d actually had a big fight about it one long, work weekend - about three months ago - when they were both way too tired to think rationally. He even missed Bård’s stubbornness. He never thought he would miss that, but he did. It was part of his brother - it always had been - and every time he noticed its absence, it made his heart ache.

 

Vegard saw that Bård was relaxing a little bit, enough so that he could put his arms around him and give him a hug. Unlike the Bård he knew, this new Bård made no attempt to get out of the hug or pretend that he wanted nothing to do with it. In fact, Bård leaned into the hug. In a way, he was fine with that. He didn’t mind hugging him, it’s just that it was so unlike Bård. It made him wonder if he’d ever get his brother back.

 

He wanted to say something, and was wondering where to begin, when Bård started for him. “Are you sick of me?”

 

“What?” He leaned back enough to look at Bård.

 

“Are you sick of me… of taking care of me?” Bård voice sounded tired and he looked at the floor, his face hidden by his hair.

 

“No! Why?”

 

Bård shrugged.

 

“Do I make you feel that way?”

 

He shook his head. It was barely audible but Vegard heard a whispered, “No.”

 

“Did I say something?”

 

He shook his head again.

 

“Why would you think that?”

 

He shrugged again. The tears that he had managed to dam up when Vegard had appeared at the doorway, began to flow. “I’m sick of me.”

 

“Well, I’m not.” He was rubbing his brother’s back to comfort him. As uncomfortable as Vegard felt about this conversation, he felt good that they were at least talking. “Are you sick of me?”

 

“No!” _Oh, god no! Don’t think that!_ Bård looked up now, needing to make sure that Vegard heard his answer. “No.”

 

“Ok,” he said quickly, somewhat regretting that he had asked that question. He could see a flicker of fear in his brother’s eyes, probably thinking that he might leave.

 

“No,” he repeated, his eyes looking back down.

 

“Well, I’m not sick of you either.” He pulled Bård closer, hoping that somehow he could make his brother feel more secure. Again, he couldn’t help thinking how unlike Bård this was. When had his brother ever been insecure? Calle’s voice was in his head again. _Don’t you think he needs some help?_

 

“You shouldn’t have to take care of me.” Bård’s whisper broke into his thoughts.

 

“Why not?”

 

Bård didn’t really know how to answer that. It seemed obvious to him that this shouldn’t be Vegard’s life.  

 

“You’re my brother. We’re family. Families take care of each other.”

 

“But not like this.”

 

“Not like this?” He wasn’t really sure what “like this” meant. “Just until you have to shave their heads? ” He had hoped for a laugh. Maybe a snort. He would have taken an annoyed huff and some eye rolling. Unfortunately, Bård started to cry again.

 

“No… oh, Bård. I’m sorry. I was just kidding. Please don’t cry.” How stupid could he be? He shouldn’t have made a joke. Except, that’s how their relationship was. Or, at least, how it had been. When they’d had to open up to each other, most often to work through some argument they’d had, they’d often made jokes to cut the tension. And somehow the little stupid comments not only cut the tension, but reminded them of who they were and made them feel closer.

 

“Please don’t cry. This is how families take care of each other. They stick around when it gets…  messy.” But everything was different now. His confident little brother, the one who had been very much his equal, was nowhere to be found. It hurt to see Bård like this. _Don’t you think he needs some help?_ He couldn’t let things stay like they were. He’d have to do something.

 

Bård was struggling to stop crying. He was so tired of his own crying. “You shouldn’t _have_ to.”

 

“I want to be here. I love you. ” _You should know that_. “That’s why I’m here.” Vegard hugged him for a long time waiting for his breathing to become more even. He thought to himself how their hugs had  never been like this. Usually, if they hugged, it was more of a quick, exuberant thing - often because they’d shared some kind of victory. This was more like he was holding Bård. As if he were the only thing keeping him from slipping away into some vast ocean. Sometimes he was almost afraid to let go, thinking he might actually lose Bård if he did.

 

After a while, he felt Bård hesitantly moving away. He knew, by now, that it was more because Bård thought he should let go than because he was feeling better; but Vegard thought he should support his attempt to be self-sufficient, if only to let Bård know that he believed in him. “How about we go into the kitchen and I’ll make us something to eat?” Vegard stood up and reached down to pull his brother to his feet.

 

Bård slowly looked up. “Ok.”

 

Vegard wished he didn’t look embarrassed. He really didn’t want him to feel bad about having gotten upset. He pulled Bård to his feet and gently pushed him ahead of himself into the warmth of the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

 He watched his brother push his food around the plate. Another breakfast barely eaten. “Bård.” Vegard wasn’t really sure what to say. But then, he wasn’t sure if his brother was listening either. “Bård?”

 

Reluctantly, Bård looked up from his plate. He was hoping that they wouldn’t have to talk about this morning.

 

Seeing his brother’s expression, Vegard hesitated. He could see the dread in his eyes and he hated putting Bård through anything else painful. But, he tried to remember his resolve from less than an hour ago. He had to do something. “I don’t think what we’re doing is working.”

 

“I’m sorry, Vegard. I’ll try harder.”

 

Bård almost looked as if he’d just been slapped. “It’s not about trying harder. I just don’t think I’ve been helping you.”

 

“You have. It’s not your fault. I want you here.” His words came quickly, almost desperately.

 

“I just think…”

 

Bård interrupted, “I’ll try harder. I really will. I know I’ve been crying too much. I.. I won’t…  I won’t do that.”

 

Maybe he could still calm him down, if he just worded it right. “Bård. You’re not doing anything wrong.”

 

“Please! I need you here!” Bård looked terrified.

 

“I’m not leaving you. I told you that. I won’t leave.”

 

Bård was desperately trying not to fall apart.

 

Vegard kept his voice low and comforting. “I just think we need some help, Bård”

 

“No! I don’t want anyone else.”  His eyes were darting around the room, frantically. “Please! Why?”

 

“Just listen…”

 

“I’ll try harder. I will.”

 

Vegard moved around the table to put his arm around Bård. He knew what Bård was most afraid of and tried to reassure him. “I’m not talking about leaving you. I promise, I won’t leave. I promise.” He could feel Bård shaking, his hand wiping at a tear that had escaped his eye.

 

“I don’t want to talk to someone else. Can’t we just talk more?”

 

He didn’t know how to do this. Bård was falling apart just at the suggestion of it and that was killing him. “We could go to someone together.” He hoped that was true. Surely, they’d let him sit there with Bård. He hoped he hadn’t just lied.

 

When Bård opened his mouth to protest, the tears started falling in earnest. He covered his eyes with his hand. _I can't even stop this stupid crying for ten minutes. What an idiot!_

 

“Shhh. Don’t cry. I just want to help you.” Vegard was hugging him now. At some point that had become the only way he felt safe anymore. He knew that was wrong. He didn’t want that for Vegard. He didn’t really want that for himself either, but he was at a loss as to how to change it. He felt totally adrift and the only times he felt at all secure were when Vegard was near.

 

All Vegard’s resolve was slipping away. Maybe he could help Bård himself. God knows he wanted to. “We can try talking for a few more days. Ok? Please don’t cry. I just want you to feel better.”

 

* * *

 

“Why did you tell him that?” Calle was trying not to sound as frustrated as he was. He realized that this was difficult for Vegard. It was so difficult to have to talk about this over the phone.

 

“Calle.” He shouldn’t have given in to Bård’s pleas. But what could he do now? “You haven’t seen him. I mean, I know you’ve wanted to. It’s just really hard to say no to him. He’s so… so fragile now.”

 

Calle tried to remind himself that Vegard needed support right now. “I know. And I know you’re doing everything you can for him.”

 

“But, you think I’m screwing up.”

 

“I didn’t say that.” Vegard blamed himself for the attack, the last thing Calle wanted to do was feed into that. “Do you think I could just come over and talk to you? Maybe Bård would even see me.”  

 

“I’d like that.” He wished Calle could come over right now, but he was pretty sure that Bård had been through enough for today. “Could we do it tomorrow?” Glancing out into the living room he could see Bård’s body spread out on the couch in the reflection of the TV. He was in the same position he had been in for most of the afternoon and he was still out like a light.

 

“Sure. Do you want me to come in the afternoon while he’s sleeping?”

 

Vegard knew he needed help. He needed Calle to see Bård. And he was pretty sure that once Bård saw their friend, he’d be ok with Calle being there. And, even if not… “Can you come in the morning around ten?”

  
“I’ll see you then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter. Thanks for your patience. 
> 
> I really do appreciate that people are still reading this. And thanks for your lovely kudos and comments. I always like to know what you're thinking about this story.


	12. Chapter 12

“Bård.” Vegard was gently shaking Bård by the shoulder as he had been doing repeatedly over the last hour. “Bård, come on. You really have to wake up. I’m making a nice dinner.”

 

“Nuh-uh…. I’m tired.”

 

He sort of hated to wake him up. This morning had been really hard on Bård. It had been noticeably difficult for him to make it until after lunch to take a nap. “You can’t be tired. You’ve slept for almost four hours. I’m not sure how you’re going to sleep tonight as it is. So come on, get up!”

 

“Wake me when dinner’s ready.”

 

“No… come on. You’re going to help me with dinner.”

 

“What? You’re going to make me cook?”

 

“Sure. Why not?”

 

There was no good reason why Bård couldn’t help cook, but he didn’t want to. All he wanted to do was pull the covers back over his head. “You’re such a good cook, I’d only mess it up.”

 

It was amazing what a nap did for Bård. At least he would say more than two words in a row. “I’m familiar with your tactics little brother and I’m not biting. You can help. Besides, I’m making salmon and I really like the way you make dill sauce.”

 

“I could just tell you how to make it.” Bård was doing his best to look pathetic, but he could see that Vegard had made up his mind. “Oh, alright.” He pushed the blankets off and sat up. He really felt like he could sleep for days, so it was an effort to make himself alert.

 

Vegard knew very well how to make dill sauce - there wasn’t that much to it - but it seemed like a good idea to have Bård do something.“Good! It’s no wonder you have a hard time sleeping late in the morning when you take such long naps.”

 

“Yeah. I guess.” Bård sat on the couch and ran his hands through his hair. He couldn’t see it in a mirror but it seemed to be going in nine directions at once. “What did you do to my hair?”

 

Vegard just laughed. “You have no business complaining to me about your hair. It takes you two seconds to fix.”

 

When Bård came into the kitchen, Vegard handed him a bag of potatoes. “What are these for?”

 

“Dinner. Fix them however you’d like.”

 

“What about the sauce?”

 

“You’re making that, too. Come on. It won’t take you very long.”

 

Bård sighed, trying to indicate that he was really being abused. But it was kind of nice to be in the kitchen with his brother instead of lying on the couch listening to him cook. He began to wash a few potatoes while Vegard prepared the salmon to roast.

 

“Ok. I know we’re not very good at this, but we have to talk.”

 

 _Oh, that’s what this is about!_ “Can’t we just cook?” His stomach was starting to do flips, but he tried not to lose hope. Maybe he could divert the conversation to something else.

 

“No, we agreed that we were going to talk more. So lets start.”

 

“Uh… ok. How was your afternoon, Vegard?” Bård dried the potatoes and set them on a cutting board. He picked up a knife and tried to decide how he should cook the spuds.

 

This could not happen. He couldn’t let Bård wriggle out of talking, at least a little bit. Maybe if they started it would be easier next time. “Not about my afternoon, about… things. You know. How you’re feeling. Or the attack. Or maybe about what the police have told me about their investigation.” He tried to give his best big brotherly I-mean-business look, but it was completely ineffective since he was talking to Bård’s back.

 

 _Those are my choices?_ “Vegard… I don’t know...”

 

“Do you want to hear about the police investigation?”

 

“No!”

 

He understood how hard this was for Bård. At least he thought he did. It wasn’t really what he wanted to talk about or think about either, but he had to force himself - for Bård. “I’m trying to do what you wanted. We need to talk if you don’t want to go to counseling.”

 

Bård was very quiet. He had stopped preparing the potatoes and was just looking at the counter.

 

“Could we talk about why you thought I didn’t want to be here with you?” He thought of this morning and wanted to make sure that Bård at least understood that.

 

The walls seemed to be closing in and it was getting hard to breathe. He wanted to answer but he couldn’t think. “Vegard… I... I…” He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and then another on his hand, helping him to set the knife down.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

He closed his eyes and nodded. Maybe if he said he was ok, he’d be ok.

 

“Do you understand why I’m here with you?”

 

Bård nodded. Vegard had _said_ that he wanted to be with him, he just really couldn’t explain why. He remembered him saying that it wasn’t just out of obligation, but what else could it be? Pity maybe. “Uh… you want to be here?”

 

“Yeah. And why is that?”

 

“Hmm… you’re a glutton for punishment?”

 

“Bård!”

 

“I don’t know. I know you love me…”

 

“Yeah. Is that so unbelievable?”

 

“No. I guess not.” Bård turned and hugged Vegard. Recently it had mostly been Vegard scooping him up into a hug after he had become a crying mess. It felt kind of good to share the closeness with more positive feelings. “Maybe we should stop while we’re ahead. I’m not even crying yet.”

 

Snorting, Vegard agreed. “Yeah, I suppose. At this rate we’ll have this all sorted out by 2025.”

 

They both chuckled a little at that. Feeling a bit relieved, Bård went back to making the potatoes.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Vegard was trying to get his brother interested in a card game. Bård’s energy seemed to be less and less and almost worse in the mornings than in the evenings. “Come on Bård. You owe me a rematch.”

 

“I’m pretty sure you won the last time we played.”

 

“I’m not sure. It’s been a few days now.” He decided to try a different tact. “Maybe we should find a board game instead.”

 

“I just don’t feel like it today.”

 

Bård was sitting on the couch. It was pretty obvious that he would love to lay down and take a nap right then and there, even though it was only 9:45am. Vegard looked at his brother. He’d been up and waiting in the kitchen again today. He’d tried to eat breakfast, he’d taken a shower and gotten dressed. He was trying so hard to do what he was supposed to do. Vegard was fully aware of that. It just didn’t seem to be helping. Vegard joined him on the couch, sitting close enough so that their arms touched. It was comforting to both of them to be so close. When he was comfortable in his seat, he felt Bård readjust in his seat and shift ever so slightly so that he was leaning a little more into Vegard.

 

They sat in companionable silence and watched TV, leaning against each other. Vegard knew he should say something. Of course he should say something. But would that make it easier or harder for Bård? He was afraid of Bård’s reaction. So he said nothing and waited until the doorbell rang.

 

“I’ll get that.”

 

“Are you expecting someone?”

 

Vegard chose not to answer. “No” would be a lie. “Yes” might be seen as a betrayal. He didn’t want Bård to feel that way. He would never betray his brother, he’d rather die. But this felt pretty close to a betrayal and very close to a lie.

 

“Hi, Calle.” Vegard spoke under his breath.

 

“Is he ok with me coming over?”

 

“I didn’t tell him.” Embarrassment spread across Vegard’s face. “I thought it might be better if he just saw you and didn’t have a choice.”

 

Calle’s smile was warm and without judgement. He honestly didn’t know which way would have been better. He was afraid of how this might go, but he genuinely wanted to see Bård. He worried about him everyday - he worried about both of them actually - and he was feeling more and more like he had to get involved. “Let’s do this then.” He spoke quietly to Vegard, hoping to give him the gentle encouragement that he seemed to need.

 

“Bård, Calle is here.” He called it out cheerfully, as if it was a treat, but there was a trace of apprehension in his voice. He was a little too worn down to be much of an actor right now.

 

Bård had heard Calle at the door. He couldn’t hear what he and Vegard were saying, but he knew it was about him. He knew that since the attack, he’d become a little paranoid, but he was certain that they actually were talking about him. The paranoia felt very real, but even when he was in the thick of it he was always somewhat aware that it was nonsensical - which made it feel completely embarrassing as well. The girl at the coffee shop wasn’t out to get him, but he really didn’t want to go in and order coffee, even though he used to stop there every day. The shop clerk wasn’t going to attack him, but he couldn’t bring himself to go in and look at magazines. The pizza delivery guy was only carrying pizza and a small amount of change. He didn’t have a knife or any other weapons, but there was no way he would answer the door to pay for the pizza. He knew that being afraid of these people - of most people - was irrational, he knew that to be absolutely true. At the same time his brain was completely convinced that he should run and hide. Sometimes those conflicting thoughts were enough to make him feel crazy.

 

So he was conflicted about what to do right now. His friend, Calle, was here. He wanted to run. And, in a way, he wanted to yell at his brother. It was obvious that Vegard had known Calle was coming. How could he do that to him? Vegard was the person he relied on the most. The person he trusted the most.

 

“Did you hear me?” Vegard was back in the living room now.

 

“Yes.”

 

Calle waited for Bård to turn around, and hopefully say “hi”, but it was a quiet, awkward wait. He entered the living room and slowly approached Bård. “Hi, Bård. How are you?” He hoped it was a simple, nonthreatening question.

 

“Hi.” Bård answered, but he didn’t turn to look at Calle. Vegard’s small hopes that maybe Calle’s presence would break through the fear were being dashed. The fear was much stronger than even he had realized.

 

Calle slowly walked toward the couch. He wanted so badly to go up to Bård and hug him, especially once he saw the very thin and frightened version of his friend that was sitting on the couch. But, he could see that he was not welcome. Bård wouldn’t look at him, although at this point all he would have needed to do was raise his eyes. The leather chair, which was next to the opposite end of the couch, seemed to be as close as he dare get to Bård, so he sat down.

 

Vegard followed Calle and sat in the middle of the couch, next to his brother. “Calle just came to talk for a little while. I’m going to stay here with you.” Bård met his brother's eyes and nodded. Calle thought he heard him whisper, "ok."

 

Their friends’ and co-workers’ lives had continued, mostly unchanged, since the attack and so there were little pieces of news that Calle could share about them. One of the writers’ wives was pregnant. Their secretary, Hanna, had gotten engaged. While Calle talked, Bård mostly kept his eyes down, stealing a brief glance at Calle only a couple of times. This was not why Calle had come over, but seeing Bård was upsetting, and he found himself rambling as he took in Bård’s condition. How much weight had he lost since the hospital? Calle had seen him a few times in the hospital, before he had woken up, but he looked so much worse now. And the fact that Bård wouldn’t look at him was so… incongruent with the idea that this was actually Bård. Someone he knew so well.

 

“Oh, before I forget. Erik wanted me to be sure and say “hello”. I know he’d like to come and see you if...” _Wow, that was a slip!_ “I mean, when you feel up to it.”

 

Bård nodded. As small a response as that was, Calle understood that it had taken a lot of effort for Bård to do that. Calle was quiet for a few seconds. He looked to Vegard to see how he thought it was going. Vegard looked truly uncomfortable. He was clearly regretting having kept the visit a secret from Bård.

 

The TV was still on, although the volume was almost down to nothing. Bård was tapping his foot nervously and when he did take a deeper breath his exhale was quite ragged. Calle didn’t know how much longer he had, so he decided to say what he’d hoped to say. “Um… I was doing some research and I found the names of three different counselors that specifically deal with… um… helping people after traumatic events. I thought maybe you’d like me to leave that info here for you to look at.”

 

Vegard turned his head to look at Bård. He picked up his brother’s hand in one hand and was rubbing the hand lightly with his thumb. “What do you think? Should we look at those? I mean we could keep the info for later.”

 

If his eyes were any indication, Bård was anxious to get out of there. Calle wasn’t sure whether he should leave or stick around and help Vegard to cope with whatever major meltdown was about to occur. His indecision kept him seated in the leather chair.

 

“I thought you said _we_ could talk.” He said it very quietly. Calle barely heard the words, they were really only meant for Vegard.

 

“We can. We’ve been working on that, right?” They’d only talked the one time, and it hadn’t gone so well, but he was willing to try. “It’s just another option.”

 

“I th.. thought you _wanted_ to talk to me.”

 

“I do. Of course I do. Bård, this doesn’t change anything.”

 

“I… I can’t… I can’t do this…” There really was no where else to go that would feel as safe as being there next to his brother, but he needed to leave. He felt like such a failure. He got up and made his way through the kitchen and into the sunroom, shutting the door behind him.

 

Vegard’s hand went to his eyes and after a few moments travelled down in front of his mouth. He’d fucked this up. He’d fucked this up so badly. He really didn’t know what to do now.

 

“Vegard, I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”

 

“I invited you, Calle.”

 

“I didn’t mean to upset him.” Vegard’s head was resting in his hand. “Vegard.” Calle had moved next to him. “What can I do to help you?”

 

“I don’t know. I told him we could try talking. Now he thinks I’m going back on that.”

 

“Maybe that would be ok. He needs help.

 

“But, Calle. He doesn’t trust anyone anymore, except for me. I can’t go back on what I said.”

 

Calle hated to admit it, but Vegard had a point. If Bård didn’t have anyone he trusted, how could he keep going? “Look, here are the names and contact info for the counselors. I’ll help however I can - or stay out of it completely. Whatever you want.”

 

“I don’t know yet what to do with these, but I’m really grateful that you came today. I know it’s awkward with Bård right now…”

 

“That’s ok.”

 

There were a few tears in Vegard’s eyes. “I just don’t want you to give up on him.”

 

“I won’t give up on him, Vegard. You guys are like family to me. I’m not going to be offended or something.”

 

“Ok, good.” Vegard glanced over his shoulder toward the sunroom. “I think I should go talk to him.”

 

“Yeah. Definitely.” Calle got up to go. “Would you call me later and let me know how he is? Actually, I want to know how you both are.” Calle gave Vegard a hug and headed to the door.

 

Vegard closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before walking through the kitchen and stopping just outside the sunroom door. Since Bård had closed the door he decided to knock and let him know he was coming in. “Bård?” He waited for a couple of seconds. “Bård? I’m coming in, ok?” Bård didn’t answer. Vegard needed to see Bård and to know that he was ok. He couldn’t wait any longer.

 

He opened the sunroom door slowly expecting to find Bård on the couch. When he wasn’t there, Vegard stepped into the room and looked all around. “Bård?” He felt his heart skip a beat and he started breathing faster. _Where could he be?_ His eyes swept over the room again, more slowly, and this time he noticed a door. The door opened to a small deck and a wooden stairway leading down to the backyard garden. He’d forgotten about the door, but now as he approached it, he could see that it was ajar. Bård must have gone outside.

 

He stepped onto the deck and surveyed the yard. “Bård!” He walked down a few steps to see if he was under the deck. “Bård! Where are you?” He felt a panic sweeping over him. “Bård!” Running down the rest of the stairs he started looking all around, not really knowing where Bård would go. As he searched, he pulled out his phone and made a call. "Calle, he’s gone.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for continuing to read this. I really appreciate your feedback. :-)


	13. Chapter 13

“How can that be?”

 

“He’s gone! There’s a door in the sunroom that goes out to the deck and he’s gone!” He put his hand over the phone and called out. “Bård!”

 

“Ok. I’ve turned around, I’ll be right there.” In less than a minute Calle was back and parked in front of Bård’s home. He followed Vegard’s voice and found him standing in the backyard. “Where would he go?”

 

“I don’t know, I can’t even get him to go for a walk.”

 

“I guess you’ve looked around here already. Maybe I should look next door. He pointed toward a tall hedge. Would he go over to the neighbors?”

 

“I don’t know… that’s probably as good an idea as any. Call me if you find him.” Vegard ventured into the other next door neighbor’s yard. He couldn’t imagine that Bård would ring their doorbell much less enter their home, but he might have gone into their gazebo. As he walked across the yard he felt a little embarrassed and he hoped that the neighbors weren't home. When he got fairly close to the gazebo, he could see through the window panes that his brother wasn’t in there, but he still walked all the way up to it and opened the door to make sure. _Come on, Bård, where are you?_  Then he circled the structure just in case.

 

Calle had walked through a gap in the tall shrubs that separated Bård’s yard from the neighbor’s to the right of his house. He’d never really seen this neighbor’s backyard because of the tall hedge. It wasn’t as beautifully landscaped as Bård’s was and it was pretty easy to see the entire yard from one spot. Bård was nowhere to be seen. However, Calle continue across the yard, intending to walk around the house. Pretty soon his phone rang.

 

“Any luck?” Vegard sounded desperate.

 

“No, nothing.” He wished there was something he could say, something to reassure Vegard. They could always call the police, but Calle knew that was a last resort. If that got in the news it would be very embarrassing at best. In the back of his mind was the man who had attacked Bård. What if he’d taken him? Calle didn’t want to say that to Vegard, although he was pretty sure that thoughts along those lines were already running through his head.

 

When Calle made it back to Bård’s house he saw Vegard already sitting on the front steps. He looked worried and at a loss as to what to do next. Calle put a hand on his shoulder. “Maybe he’s in the house. He could have come back while we were looking around.”

 

They went back inside and searched the rooms, but it didn’t take long to look through the small house and soon they were back in the sunroom. Vegard sat down somewhat defeatedly on the couch and put his head in his hands. “I don’t understand it, Calle. He’s so afraid right now. I just don’t think he’d go very far.”

 

Calle nodded as he gazed out the large windows and scanned the backyard. There wasn’t much in bloom now, but this summer it had been beautiful. Bård had always liked gardening and, even though the brothers had been really busy since moving to Oslo, he had spent most of the two weeks they’d taken off last summer working on the landscaping. Calle’s eyes stopped on something he could barely see at the far end the yard. His view was partially obstructed by a small fruit tree, as well as the many vines which covered the small structure. “Vegard?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did you look in the potting shed?”

 

Vegard looked at Calle. He stood up and looked out at the backyard. “Did you see something?”

 

“No. It’s just I was thinking about what you said, 'He wouldn’t go very far'.”

 

Vegard bolted out the door and down the stairs. Calle followed him and waited on the deck to watch. Vegard ran back to the potting shed which was a rough structure that a former owner had built with spare pieces of wood. The door, having also been pieced together with spare planks, was a little crooked and warped and when he first gave it a pull, it seemed to be stuck. But when he put a little more muscle into it, the door popped open. There was one large window allowing light into the small room and with the additional light shining through the open door it was easy to spot a huddled figure sitting on the floor. He was hugging his knees to his chest and his head was down so that all that was visible was his blond hair.

 

“Bård!” Vegard practically threw himself onto Bård, hugging him tightly. “Thank god! I was so worried! Why didn’t you answer me?”

 

The attacker pushed him down on the daybed. He’d already been stabbed, now he was being tortured.

 

“Bård. Say something.” He loosened his embrace and leaned back to look at his brother.

 

He almost couldn’t breathe for the pain. And it crossed his mind that he would be lucky if he could pass

out, but luck was not on his side.

“Bård.” Vegard was frightened by the blank look in Bård’s eyes.

 

The attacker told him that he owned him now. And in a way he did. Bård understood that there was nothing

he could do now. He was tied up. He was too injured. Why didn’t the man just get on with it and kill him?

 

Vegard took Bård’s face between his hands and tried to make a connection to Bård. But he was far off. There was no acknowledgement of his presence.

 

          The attacker was in his face. Or, was it the attacker? He looked like someone else. His attacker’s voice was fading away.

 

“Bård. Please look at me. Look at me.”

 

He wasn’t in the dressing room - this place was darker. It was small and dark and that almost made it worse. Except,

he could hear a voice.

 

Vegard could see the fear on his brother’s face as he started to look around. Fear and the recognition of being somewhere else. “It’s ok. We’re in the potting shed, but we’re together.”

 

Where was the voice coming from? He wanted to be with that voice.“Vegard?” He spoke in a whisper. How had

he gotten here? How was it that Vegard was here too?

 

“Bård. It’s ok. Just look at me.” He ran his hands down Bård’s arms, not sure if his brother was really with him.

 

Bård’s eyes filled with tears. He was so confused and afraid, the terror of the attack still fresh in his mind.

 

“Bård. Can you hear me?”

 

Vegard looked so worried. But he really was here with Vegard. He was safe. “I hear you.” He reached out for Vegard and was pulled into a hug. The fear was still there, but it was receding, being replaced by the security of knowing that his brother was near.

 

“You scared me.”

 

He’d messed up. He’d made it harder for his brother, again. “I’m sorry.” There was a small part of him that knew he hadn’t done it on purpose, it wasn’t his fault. But mostly he felt like he was to blame. Even as he was being pulled into the feeling of security it was being ripped away again and replaced by guilt. He was afraid to move. As long as he was there he wouldn’t have to think about it, it was what “was happening” and he could just be comforted, but once he moved it would be something that “had happened”, something that he couldn’t ignore anymore. Vegard was hugging him and telling him that he was safe and it was ok, but it wasn’t ok. It would never be ok.

 

“How about we go inside, it’s cold out here. You don’t even have a jacket.” Before he could protest or somehow stop it, Vegard had let go and stood up and was reaching down to help him stand.

 

* * *

 

 

“No, he’s sleeping now.” He had called Calle soon after Bård had fallen asleep.

 

“What did he say afterwards?”

 

“At first he was just quiet. Almost scary quiet. I brought him inside and made him some tea to warm him up. But then he asked me if I thought he was crazy. I said no, but he wouldn’t drop it. He wanted to know, if I couldn’t take care of him and he ended up in a hospital, if I would come and visit him.”

 

“What did you say?”

 

“After trying to convince him that it wasn’t going to happen, I told him that of course I’d visit him. It was the only answer that seemed to satisfy him.”

 

“So, did you make an appointment?”

 

“I did, but they were all really booked up. The earliest I could get an appointment with any of them was next week. So I also made an appointment for tomorrow with Dr. Odland. Maybe he can help. I don’t know.”

 

Calle didn’t want to push his role of friend beyond where he should. But he’d already kind of done that, hadn’t he? “Vegard, why not take him this afternoon?”

 

“I can’t spring something else on him. I think I should at least tell him and give him a little time to get used to the idea.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

After dinner, Vegard pressed his brother into helping in the kitchen. Bård looked tired, really tired, even though he’d slept for over five hours in the afternoon. Vegard really hadn’t wanted to let him sleep that long, but he had seemed to need it. When he first got up from his nap he was trying to be cheerful. Of course that all ended when he learned of the appointments that had been made for him. Since then he had been sullen and uncommunicative. Vegard had tried, unsuccessfully, to get Bård to talk about what had happened this morning while he put their meal together and again during dinner. Now he’d decided to be direct.

 

“Seriously, Bård. Let’s talk about what happened this morning.” Vegard was putting food away and had assigned the job of emptying the clean dishes out of the dishwasher to Bård. He hoped that it would feel less awkward to talk about it if they didn’t have to look at each other.

 

“Why? I’m just going to counseling anyway.”

 

“That doesn’t mean we can’t talk. We need to.”

 

“Well, apparently us talking isn’t working. We gave it what… a day and a half?” He turned around to face his brother. “A day and a half, Vegard, and then you gave up on me!”

 

“I didn’t give up on you.” He tried to keep his voice down.

 

“And you let Calle talk you into taking me to some shrink!” He was practically shouting. He wasn’t going to cry. No matter what, he wasn’t going to cry.

 

“Stop it, Bård! It’s not like that.” He couldn’t help feeling like it was a little like that, though. He could understand that from Bård’s perspective a day and a half wasn’t really fair. But then, it was such a stupid thing for him to have agreed to in the first place.

 

“What’s it like then?” He was shaking with anger. He needed Vegard to be on his side.

 

“It’s…” Vegard stopped what he was doing and turned to face Bård. “It’s like I’m trying to help you and you push me away. It’s like you run out of a restaurant and all you’ll tell me is that you were hot and the tables were too close together. It’s like you freak out about Calle coming over or me touching your arm but afterwards you shut me out again! And then you run off and scare the crap out of me and won’t talk about it! It’s so frustrating!!” It felt like everything he said just started to spill out on it’s own and he was surprised at how easily he could put it into words and at how angry he was feeling about it. He was surprised to find himself yelling at Bård.

 

Bård took a step back. This was it. The moment he’d been dreading. The breaking point, the point at which Vegard finally said what he’d obviously been thinking for a while. Vegard officially hated him. And he couldn’t really blame him, could he? Everything Vegard said was right. Why should he put up with it anymore? “I’m sorry.” He could barely choke out the words.

 

Vegard saw his brothers face switch from anger to devastation in the blink of an eye. “Bård, I’m not… Bård where are you going?”

 

“I’m sorry.” Bård left the kitchen and, not knowing what else to do, went to his bedroom. It was taking all of what little energy he had left to keep from crying. He sat on the edge of the bed and stared blankly ahead. How would he ever get through this alone?

 

After a few minutes Vegard knocked and gingerly opened the door. “Can I come in?”

 

He shrugged and nodded. He really didn’t want to hear what else Vegard had to say, he didn’t think he could deal with any more. But he felt like he had no right to say no.

 

Vegard stood in front of Bård and nervously ran his hand through his hair. He wondered if perhaps he should take this as a sign that the two of them couldn’t possibly talk everything out on their own, but his main concern was that he shouldn’t have yelled at his brother. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

 

He wanted to say that it was ok, he deserved it, but he so desperately wanted to get through this without crying, and he was sure that speaking would set him off, so he just kept his head down and nodded.

 

Vegard came closer and crouched in front of him, trying to make eye contact. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give us longer to try talking… I really shouldn’t have agreed to that yesterday. I don’t know how to help you.” Bård wouldn’t look at him so he put his hands on his brother’s knees to try to establish some contact. “I would never give up on you.”

 

It was almost too much. He was very close to tears. He closed his eyes, as if that could keep the moisture in, and let out a breath. No matter what his brother said, Bård knew how he really felt.

 

Maybe he was too tired. Maybe he wouldn’t feel better about this decision until after he saw the psychiatrist. Vegard didn’t need him to say anything, he just needed Bård to know they were solid. That no matter what, he wouldn’t abandon him. “I’m on your side. I’ll never give up on you. Ok?”

 

Bård nodded. If it would make this end, he’d agree. But he knew it was a lie, and when Vegard left the room he felt like he was truly and completely alone.

 

* * *

 

 

Vegard woke with a start. There didn’t seem to be a reason for him to be awake at, what was it? 3:24am? He rolled over and tried to get his pillow fluffed the way he liked it. As he lay there, trying to get back to sleep, he heard some small noise. He wasn’t sure what it was. It wasn’t the ice maker or the water heater, or one of the other sounds that he’d gotten used to since he’d been sleeping at his brother’s home. He held his breath so he could listen… he heard it again.

 

Getting up to investigate, he walked bare foot toward the kitchen. But when he got to the kitchen doorway he realised the sound was coming from the direction of the bathroom. He shuffled down the hall and just after he had passed Bård’s bedroom, he heard it again, behind him. He furrowed his brow and backed up. What was that? Slowly, he pushed open Bård’s door, wishing he had oiled the hinges like he’d been meaning to do. Looking into the bedroom he saw a mess of blankets and pillows which, having traveled with Bård a lot for work, was about what he expected. Except that he didn’t see Bård in the middle of the mess. When he heard the sound again his eyes followed the sound, down and to his right. “Bård. What are you doing?”

 

Bård was sitting on the floor right next to the door. He had his back to the wall and was hugging his knees to his chest. Vegard knelt down next to him. “What’s wrong? Why are you sitting here?”

 

Bård covered his face with his hands and every once in a while there was a small sob, which was the sound Vegard had been hearing.

 

“Bård. What is it?” Vegard leaned over and pulled Bård into his arms. Bård’s lighter frame felt small and fragile to Vegard. He held his little brother as tightly as he could without hurting him.

 

Finally, Bård whispered, “I’m afraid.”

 

“What are you afraid of?”

 

“I’m afraid to fall asleep.” Hearing those five words almost killed Vegard. It was almost as if he'd said he was afraid to breathe.

 

“Why are you afraid to fall asleep tonight?” The blue eyes glanced briefly at him and then looked away. A devastating thought occurred to him. “Or, is it just tonight?” He wished Bård would say something, or at least look at him, but he only shook his head. “Have you been staying awake at night since you’ve gotten home?”

 

"I tried to sleep at first. But I had nightmares..." Finally admitting that out loud made it difficult to control his crying.  “... and flashbacks…” He buried his face in his arms.

 

Bård hadn’t been sleeping at night? He’d been spending the nights awake and afraid? How could he not have known, not have noticed? “Did you sit here the other nights?” He knew the answer before Bård nodded. Vegard put his hand to his face. He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been. Of course Bård was afraid to sleep. Would he have ever have allowed himself to fall asleep again, if it had happened to him?  Feeling his own tears very close to breaking the dam he pulled Bård back into a hug. He couldn’t cry now, Bård needed him to be strong.

 

“Do you want me to sit on the bed while you sleep? Should we leave the light on?”

 

Bård just shook his head unable to look at his brother.

 

“You have to tell me what you need. I don’t know, but I want to.”

 

He tried to steady his breath so he could answer. “I don’t want to sleep in here.”

 

“Ok...should we go out to the living room? Does that feel safer?” Vegard stood up and helped Bård up to his feet. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

 

They walked over by the couch and when Bård didn’t seem to know what to do, Vegard again hugged his shaking brother. “It’s going to be ok. Why don’t you lie down here and I’ll stay awake in the chair.” He didn’t know if Bård wanted him to do that, but right now he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to fall back to sleep anyway.

 

Bård sat on the couch but didn’t lie down. He put his head in his hands and cried. Vegard wanted to ask him again what he needed, but he sensed that Bård didn’t even know what could make him feel safe. Vegard sat down, sideways, on the couch and moved the pillows so he could sit next to the arm of the couch. He softly rubbed his brother’s shoulder. “Come here.” When Bård lifted his head, Vegard gently pulled him into his arms. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Bård cried for a while but slowly his breathing evened out. He stopped shaking and Vegard thought, or at least hoped, that he felt safe.

 

He pulled the blankets over Bård and after a little adjusting, Vegard managed to get into a comfortable position with his chin resting on Bård’s head. He tried to stay awake, but it was warm with Bård laying against his chest, and it made him sleepy. Once he was positive that his brother was sleeping he allowed himself to close his eyes, just for a few minutes.

 

He woke up some time later when Bård rolled over to his other side, so that he was facing the back of the couch. When it seemed like Bård was comfortable again, Vegard tried to rest his head forward. That seemed to wake Bård and immediately he began flipping back over to his other side, almost urgently. “What are you doing?” Vegard chuckled a little, wondering if he even knew what he was doing.

 

“I don’t want my...” He could only hear something mumbled at the end.

 

“You just rolled over. I thought you wanted to lay on your other side.”

 

“I did. It’s just… my back. I want the couch behind my back.”

 

 _You want the couch behind your back? Oh… You want the couch behind your back._  “So no one can come up behind you?” He felt Bård nodding next to his chest. He slowly pushed Bård up to sitting and stood up. He became intensely aware of two eyes looking up at him.

 

“Where are you going?” It was in the form of a question, but really it was a plea.

 

He shook his head and kept a hand on Bård’s shoulder as he moved to the other end of the couch. “Nowhere. Come here.” He pulled Bård back to him. “This way you can lay on your other side.”

 

Bård seemed to be comfortable, and Vegard thought that he had fallen back to sleep, but then he felt a few tears dampen his t-shirt. “It’s ok. This isn’t going to last forever.” He rubbed Bård’s shoulder lightly with his thumb. “It might seem like forever right now, while you’re going through it, but it will get better. You’re going to get better.”

 

“I might not ever be ready to go back to the show.” Bård almost couldn’t believe he’d been able to voice that fear.

 

“I know, that’s ok.” He’d already realized that things might never go back to how they were. He could live with that.

 

“I mean any of it. It scares me.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. We’ll figure it out. We could do something completely different. We could run a small airline. Maybe you could even get a pilot’s license. Or we could… I don’t know… open a bait shop.” Bård scoffed at that. That was about the last thing he could imagine Vegard doing. “Alright, a music store.”

 

Bård thought about that for a couple of minutes. He couldn’t quite believe that Vegard was ok with his whole life changing. “But, I’m ruining your life.”

 

“That’s not true.” Vegard leaned forward and made sure that his brother heard him. “That’s really not true.”

 

He was very quiet for a while. Vegard thought he might have fallen back to sleep, but then he heard a very soft voice. “Sometimes I think it would have been better if I…” The only sound in the room was the ticking of a second hand on the wall clock. “...if I hadn’t made it.”

 

“No! Don’t think that. It’s not at all what I think.” Thoughts of what that would have been like flooded his head. It wasn’t that hard to imagine. He’d lived with that as a very real possibility for most of four days. “Just ask Calle. I was a mess when I thought you were going to die. You’re not ruining my life. It really doesn’t matter what we do… but I want you here… in my life. Please don’t think it would have been better if you hadn’t lived.” As much as he was trying to stay strong for Bård, Vegard started to cry. How could his brother think it would have been better if he had died?

 

Bård wasn’t sure what to do. He was very aware of how hard it must be for Vegard to take care of him now. He hadn’t really thought about how hard it was for Vegard after the attack, partly because he did everything he could not to think about the attack.  He sat up and turned around to pull Vegard into a hug. “Please don’t cry, Vegard. I’m sorry. I won’t say that.” He wanted to comfort his brother, he owed him so much, but it was so painful to hear him crying and knowing that he’d caused it, made it almost unbearable. Bård began crying too.

 

Finally, Vegard managed to find his voice. “We need some help, Bård.”

 

Bård was sobbing, his face on Vegard’s shoulder, but he managed to respond. “I know.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning seemed to come quickly. They hadn’t had enough sleep. That is, Vegard hadn’t had enough sleep. When he thought about how behind on sleep his brother was, it was hard to imagine how he’d gone this long without physically breaking down.

 

Still, they had to get up. They needed to see Dr. Odland and Vegard especially wanted to go because Bård had admitted last night that he needed help.

 

Of course, Bård still didn’t really want to see the doctor, but he did understand that it had to happen. Even after everything Vegard had told him last night, he felt that he was on the verge of losing his brother and he hoped that if he did as Vegard asked, maybe he would stay.

 

Dr. Odland was very concerned about Bård’s weight loss and had been monitoring it and considering admitting him into the hospital if he’d lost much more. But now when they came in with new information he changed his mind. “I don’t know as much about flashbacks and dissociative episodes as your psychiatrist will, but I do know that stress and lack of sleep can be big triggers. You do know that you couldn’t control that, right Bård?”

 

He could see how uncomfortable Bård was. He wasn’t totally sure if Bård was listening to what he was saying. He did see a small nod as Bård made an effort to make eye contact for a couple of seconds. He was observing Vegard as well. He was a whole different problem. As long as Vegard was so busy looking after Bård it would be difficult to read how he was handling everything.

 

“I think the first thing we need to address is your lack of sleep.” He continued to talk to Bård, even though he wasn’t sure how much he was absorbing. “I think it would be good if you could get a few nights sleep before talking to your psychiatrist.”

 

 _Stop calling him “my psychiatrist”._ He was a little annoyed that Dr. Odland kept referring to him that way.

 

“I’m going to prescribe a sleeping pill for you. It’s good that your brother is staying with you, some people have done things in their sleep - eating, driving - I’m sure you’ve heard about that. But most people tolerate the medicine with few side effects. It’s just better not to start the medication when you’re alone, if you don’t have to. I’m going to have you come back in three days, on Friday, just to see how you’re doing. But feel free to call, either of you, if you have any concerns before then.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers -
> 
> "'This isn’t going to last forever.' He rubbed Bård’s shoulder lightly with his thumb. 'It might seem like forever right now, while you’re going through it, but it will get better. You’re going to get better.'"
> 
> Just wanted to let you know, Bård has reached rock bottom and there is nowhere to go but up. Wouldn't want you to think I'd torture him endlessly - although it might seem that way right now, while you're reading it. :)
> 
> Seriously, thanks for hanging in there. I appreciate it so much. I'd love to hear from you, if you're so inclined.


	14. Chapter 14

Both of them were lost in their own thoughts. Out of the blue, Vegard heard himself saying what he’d been thinking for the last two miles. “Dr. Odland is pretty concerned about your weight. We should make sure you get enough to eat this week.”

 

“Uh huh.” Bård was staring out of his side of the car.

 

“You know, I didn’t put him up to saying that.”

 

Not that it probably mattered, but Vegard didn’t want him to think that he had talked to Dr. Odland about how little Bård had been eating. Bård didn’t reply.

 

 _Enough about his eating!_ “It’ll be interesting to see if the sleeping pill works.” _It’ll be interesting? Why did I say that?_ It was strange how uncomfortable the silence between them felt. It was making him say stupid things just to drown it out.

 

He turned his attention to the drive. It was taking longer than usual. They were hitting every red light. Or, maybe it just seemed that way. The route through the middle of the city was invariably busy, but he’d always liked the architecture in this part of Oslo. Although, it felt odd to be driving past these familiar buildings when everything else in his life felt awkward and unfamiliar.

 

The silence was brutal, he had to say something. "If the sleeping pill makes you sleep and sleep-snack in the middle of the night, it'll kind of kill two birds with one stone." Either of them could have said something like that to the other before without a second thought, but now he wondered if that was something he could joke about. Bård gave him no indication of whether it was ok or not. He really couldn’t stand the silence any longer.

 

“Please talk to me. I don’t know if you’re mad at me, or sad, or just tired.”

 

Not surprisingly, that was followed by more silence. Bård fidgeted uncomfortably. “I’m not mad.”

 

It was difficult, but Vegard resisted the temptation to fill the silence.

 

“I don’t know what I am. I’m tired, I guess” He sighed. “And, I’m sad.” He took a deep breath and then, as if he had just double-checked his emotions, repeated softly, “Yeah, I’m sad.”

 

Vegard wasn’t sure what to say or where this conversation was going, but it seemed to help that they didn’t have to look at each other. “You’re sad?”

 

“Yeah. Most of the time.”

 

It wasn’t a big revelation to Vegard, but at least it had been said out loud. “Is that why you wouldn’t talk to Dr. Odland today?”

 

His brother continued staring out his window and shrugged. Vegard decided to wait him out a bit. Finally Bård turned to face him. “I didn't need to, you told him what was wrong with me.”

 

The way Bård said that made him feel a little defensive. “Only after you wouldn’t talk.”

 

“I don't know why I had to see him today. I’m just going to have to see the shrink anyway.” He turned to look out his window again and said quietly, “I wish you wouldn’t tell everyone how crazy I am.”

 

Vegard rubbed his forehead. Maybe it wasn’t fair to have this conversation with Bård when he was so sleep deprived. But he usually talked to his brother if something was bothering him. He might talk to others first - maybe a friend or a secretary - but eventually he’d talk to Bård about it. He hated to admit it, but that was where he always found the best advice. After all, who knew him better? But now, he didn’t have his brother to turn to. He was beginning to realize how much he really missed him. He missed his brother. The one from before. Before everything went horribly wrong.   

 

“I’m sorry.” Bård’s voice broke into his thoughts. He hadn’t replied to Bård’s last comment and he could hear the worry in his brother's voice, like maybe he thought he shouldn’t have been so honest.

 

“That’s alright, you can say that. But I didn’t take you to Dr. Odland because I think you're crazy.”

 

Again they fell into silence, and it made him acutely aware of just how much he yearned for things to be like before. “I just kinda… miss you.” He wasn’t sure if Bård would know what he meant, but then they always understood each other so well. With one glance he could see that Bård knew exactly what he meant.

 

“I know. I do too." There was a pained expression on his face.  "I don’t feel like that person anymore.”

 

“That’s why I wanted you to go to Dr. Odland today. It’s why I want you to see the psychiatrist. I think they can help you.”

 

“What if I’m never the same? What if I’m just broken?” They pulled into Bård’s driveway.

 

Vegard looked over at his brother. Bård was staring at his hands. He looked so much smaller than he used to and it wasn’t just that he’d lost weight. He’d always had such a presence, so much charisma, it was something that drew people. But now he seemed totally closed off, especially when they were anywhere but in his own house. It made Vegard’s heart ache. “I don’t believe you’re broken.” He paused, not wanting to let his voice betray how sad this made him. “I know you’re struggling, but we can get through this… together.” He stopped, not knowing what else to say, or if what he’d just said helped or made it worse.

 

Bård sat quietly his hands fidgeting nervously, so many emotions crossing his expressive face. He seemed unsure or unable to give voice to his feelings. But then he answered in little more than a whisper, “I’ll try.”

 

Vegard reached over and squeezed his wrist reassuringly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Friday morning came. Bård was going back to the doctor today. It was almost December and the sun was rising later each morning.  Vegard woke up and tip toed out to the kitchen hoping not to disturb his brother who was asleep on the couch. The sleeping pill was a godsend. Bård was sleeping through the night and so far had slept until almost nine every morning.

 

After starting the coffee, and water for tea, he decided to try to get his brother moving. “Hey, wake up.” He nudged Bård gently. Bård groaned a little and rolled over, turning his back contrarily to him. Vegard found himself grinning. He felt like it was the first sign of his little brother still being in there.

 

“Hey, grumpy. You need to get up.”

 

“No, I’m tired.”

 

 

> Vegard didn't sleep much the first night that Bård took the sleeping pill. He was worried about side effects. He was worried about Bård not falling asleep, or having a nightmare and not being able to wake up. He felt guilty about all the nights that he’d slept while Bård had stayed awake, afraid and alone. He knew that it wasn’t his fault, but he was going to make sure that Bård got some sleep.

 

“Come on. At least try to start waking up.”

 

“I’m really tired, Vegard. That pill makes me groggy.”

 

 

> It had been difficult to convince Bård to take the sleeping pill. All of his worries seemed to be brought to the surface when faced with the sleeping pill. He was first and foremost afraid that the monster who had attacked him would come back. It was difficult to combat. How do you convince someone that they are safe, that the crazy man who attacked them won’t come back, when it’s not a totally unreasonable fear? Vegard had promised him that he would stay awake that night.

 

“I know it makes you groggy, but you usually feel better when you get up and move around.”

 

Bård groaned. A groan that reminded Vegard of when his brother was sixteen and almost impossible to wake up.

 

 

> Bård had been somewhat comforted by Vegard’s offer to stay awake, but it was also completely unacceptable to him. For reasons that Bård refused to explain, he definitely did not want Vegard to stay awake all night. Vegard realized right away that it went back to the other thing that his brother seemed to be most worried about. He was afraid that Vegard would leave. Vegard could imagine him thinking that if he requested that Vegard stay awake all night, he might get tired of it and move out. It really was the last thing that his brother needed to worry about, but Vegard decided not to argue about it.

 

A wonderful aroma accompanied Vegard as he came back into the livingroom from the kitchen. “Here. Sit up. I fixed your coffee how you like it.”

 

Bård looked up at him. His movements were slow and Vegard knew that he was not exaggerating about how the medication made him feel.

 

 

> He had also been worried about having another flashback.  He had steadfastly refused to talk about the last flashback. From what Vegard could gather though, he didn’t understand why or how he came to be in the potting shed and that added to his discomfort. Unfortunately, that flashback had also pushed Vegard into calling a psychiatrist and Bård was still hurt about that. Whenever Vegard tried to talk about the flashback it devolved into a debate about why Vegard had called the psychiatrist and given up on him “so easily”. Vegard had stopped asking, for the sake of their relationship.

 

Bård sat up, a little clumsily, and put his hands out for the coffee mug. “Thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome. Is there something you would like for breakfast?”

 

 

> And then there were the nightmares. Bård barely talked about them, but then he had one when Vegard was around. It was in the afternoon on the day of his last appointment. He’d never had a nightmare in the afternoon before. He’d started shouting in his sleep, telling Vegard to run, telling his attacker to get off of him. Vegard had fallen asleep in the leather chair next to Bård, and Bård’s cries had startled him awake. When Vegard was finally able to wake him from his dream, Bård had fallen apart.

 

“I’d kind of like some scrambled eggs.”

 

Vegard managed to keep a neutral expression, but he felt oddly overjoyed that Bård had some opinion on breakfast. “Sure. Sounds good.”

 

 

> So, Vegard had stayed awake that first night until sometime in the very early morning hours. And, despite Bård’s insistence that it was unnecessary, he slept in the chair next to him the second night as well. But last night, after sitting by him for a while, making sure that he was really asleep, Vegard had allowed himself to go to sleep in Bård’s bedroom.

 

“And maybe some bacon if we have it.”

 

“I’ll see what I can find.” Vegard tried to keep in mind that it was still a long road, but he struggled to refrain from grinning like an idiot while he made breakfast.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Every day, since Bård had started to take his sleeping pill, seemed to be just a little bit better. He was a little slow in the mornings, slow in the way he moved and talked, slow in how quickly he could answer questions. Slow in just about every way. But that wore off by noon or so and then he had noticeably more energy. He didn’t lay down for a nap right after lunch, not feeling tired until later and then only sleeping for an hour or so. His mood seemed to lighten somewhat too.

 

So, on Sunday afternoon, Bård decided to broach the subject. “Vegard. You know, I’m feeling a lot better because of the sleeping pill.” He was sitting on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table.

 

Vegard looked up from the Sunday paper that he’d been reading for the last hour. “I know. I’m really glad.”

 

“So, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I don’t need to go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. I think I just needed some sleep.”

 

Vegard shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was. “Bård… I don’t know. I don’t think the pill has changed everything.”

 

“You mean, I’m still crazy.” He looked steadily at his feet, as if he were afraid to look up.

 

Vegard set the newspaper down. “I don’t think you’re crazy.”

 

“I just need professional help.”

 

Vegard could feel that his brother’s mood had dropped heavily. “Bård… you make it sound like they’re going to lock you up or something.”

 

“Maybe they’ll want to.”

 

He wanted to tell Bård that now he _was_ sounding crazy, but he knew better than to say that out loud. Definitely too soon. “You know that’s not true, right?” When Bård didn’t really say anything, Vegard continued. “If it makes you feel any better, I won’t let them lock you away.”

 

To Vegard’s surprise and relief, there was the slight hint of a smile on Bård’s face that then grew into an actual smile. “I think they would need your signature.” Vegard laughed at the unexpected comment.

 

“It won’t be so bad. He’ll just talk a little. You’ll talk a little. Maybe you’ll even get to lay down on his couch.” Vegard raised an eyebrow, not sure if his brother would pick up on the implication.

 

“Yeah, well, he probably wouldn’t make that mistake twice.”

 

“I don’t know. He gets paid whether you’re awake or not.” He smiled a little hoping that Bård was taking this the right way. It had been so long since he’d joked around with his brother and he was afraid to say something that might upset him.

 

“Yeah.” Bård smiled a little and looked away.

 

The lighter, joking atmosphere had disappeared, and the silence that followed made Vegard uncomfortable. “Are you ok?”

 

Bård nodded. But as the silence wore on he seemed to be trying to contain his emotions. “I don’t want to do this.”

 

That wasn’t really an option. As much as he would have loved to tell his little brother that he didn’t have to go to the psychiatrist, he couldn’t. He would have been saying it to make himself feel better and not to help his brother. Besides, Calle would have killed him. “Would you feel better if I sat in on your first session? I think they’ll let me.”

 

Bård bit his lip. “Would you do that?”

 

He was trying to keep himself together, but Vegard could feel the desperation in his question. “Of course.”

 

“I’m not getting out of this, am I?” He was nervously tapping his foot on the table.

 

Vegard made a face. He hated to answer questions like that.

 

“Well, ok. That’s probably the best offer I’m going to get.”

 

Vegard managed to swallow a couple of silly comments that, under different circumstances, his brother would have enjoyed. He wished that Bård wasn’t so worried about this, but he was and Vegard realized that the least kind thing he could do right then was to make light of it. “Ok, good.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to finish this chapter. I was a little stuck for a while. 
> 
> (Unless, of course, you didn't notice that it took a long time for me to update this story. In which case, forget I said anything.) ;)
> 
> Thanks for continuing to read this. As always, I love to hear what you think about it.


	15. Chapter 15

Vegard understood that his brother was nervous about his first appointment with Dr. Thorsen. But that didn’t mean that he wasn’t getting extremely annoyed by Bård’s stalling tactics. He slipped into the sunroom and pressed five on his speed dial.

 

“Hey, Vegard. I thought you were taking Bård to the shrink today.”

 

“I am, and don’t you dare refer to his psychiatrist that way around him. He is already sensitive enough about it.” Vegard kept his voice to just above a whisper and looked out the door every few seconds to make sure his brother hadn’t come into the kitchen.

 

Calle laughed. “So when do you go?”

 

“Oh… ten minutes ago would have been preferable. I can hardly get him to move. Maybe he thinks if he moves slow enough Dr. Thorsen will die of old age before he has to see him.”

 

“So… it sounds like I’m supposed to calm you down.”

 

“Basically.”

 

“Vegard, just let him stall. He probably needs to feel like he has some control over something. It will get easier after this first time.”

 

Vegard let out a breath. That actually made sense. “I hope Dr. Thorsen is as insightful.”

 

“I wouldn’t count on it. I am extremely empathetic.”

 

“And modest.” Hearing Calle’s warm laughter on the other end of the line had a very calming effect. He didn’t really want to hang up, but he had to go. “Thanks, Calle.”

 

“Good luck.”

 

If he were to be honest, he was nervous about it as well. Afterall, Bård had gotten him to agree to accompany him to his first counseling session. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He had offered to sit in on his first session with a counselor, just to get him to relax about it. The problem was, that now he was starting to worry about what the counselor was going to ask him. He tried to push those thoughts away. This was about Bård, not him. Whatever the counselor said, he’d talk about Bård.

 

He came up to Bård’s partially-closed bedroom door and stuck his head in as he knocked. “How are you doing Bård? We really should go.”  

 

Bård was sitting on the bed and holding two sweaters. “I can’t decide which one to wear.”

 

“Wear the blue one.” He was wavering on whether he thought Bård was trying to stall or just having a hard time making decisions.

 

Bård looked like he was going to say something but then he slipped the blue sweater on and, dropping his grey one on the bed, stood up to go. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t care which one I wear.”

 

“I just don’t think Dr. Thorsen will care.” He wasn’t sure what else to say, so he just placed his hand reassuringly on Bård’s shoulder. “The sooner we go, the sooner we’ll be done.” He gently guided Bård into walking in front of him, toward the car.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dr. Thorsen’s office had a small waiting room and the only people sitting in it were Bård and his brother. There were a variety of magazines on the side tables, their topics were wide ranging enough for people of different interests, but Bård couldn’t even pretend to be interested in one of them. If Vegard hadn’t been there with him he probably would have gotten up and left. But Vegard was there, and for once that didn’t make him feel better, just trapped. He knew that there was no way Vegard would let him leave now. His heart was pounding in his chest so loudly that he wondered if Vegard could hear it.

 

He needn’t have worried. Vegard was nervous enough on his own behalf that he was having a difficult time remembering that they were there for Bård. He tried breathing in and out slowly. It didn’t really make him feel better, but it did distract him for the few seconds that he was concentrating on his breathing. This was ridiculous! They were just going to talk. Words. Back and forth. Why was he freaking out?

 

He turned to look at his brother. Bård was biting his lip nervously and tapping his foot. The lip biting was a habit that he had picked up since the attack. He reached over and squeezed Bård’s wrist. After a few seconds Bård looked at him and attempted a tight-lipped smile. He really felt for him, he wished that it wasn't necessary to talk about it, that they didn’t ever have to think about it again. But he’d been watching his brother’s downward spiral for weeks and they had to try something different. “I’ll be right next to you.” Seeing how nervous Bård was reminded him of exactly why he’d offered to sit in on the first session. He loved his brother, he’d do anything to help him get better.

 

“Mr.Ylvisåker?” The women who had greeted them at the desk had just put down her phone.

 

“Yes.” Bård answered. The anxiety in his voice was painful to hear.

 

“Dr. Thorsen is ready to see you now. You can go in.”

 

Bård stood up. Vegard noticed that Bård looked back over his shoulder to make sure that he was coming. He was glad that he was already on his feet and following close behind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After Dr. Thorsen had introduced himself to Bård and Vegard, he sat back in his chair and was quiet. When Bård didn’t say anything, he prompted him. “So, Bård, why don’t you tell me why you have come in to see me.”

 

 _Because I couldn’t get out of it. Because Vegard was in the waiting room and I don’t think I can outrun him right now. Because everyone has noticed that I’m out of my mind._ He finally decided on, “I was assaulted a while ago and, I guess, I’m not dealing with it very well.” He glanced at Vegard to see if he had summarized it fairly. Vegard nodded encouragingly at him. He took a shaky breath.

 

“So when did the attack take place?”

 

“Over a month ago.” Bård answered quickly. He hoped that he could answer these questions without really thinking about the attack.  

 

Dr. Thorsen smiled. “How many weeks? Or are you still counting days?”

 

 _How does he know that?_ “37 days ago.” Bård was well aware of how many days ago it had been.

 

“That’s normal, you know.” Dr. Thorsen was speaking gently to him. Trying to make him feel comfortable.

 

“How is that possibly normal?”

 

“I think you know what I mean. No matter how different we are from other people, our brains process traumatic events very similarly.”

 

Bård didn’t know what to say. Was it good that he was processing this horrible event “normally”?

 

“So, tell me about the attack. What happened?”

 

He wasn’t sure if anyone had asked him that before. Now that he thought about it, most people were pretty careful not to ask anything specific about the attack. He looked at his hands. He couldn’t seem to hold them still. Wasn’t there any way to get out of here?

 

“Bård, it would be good if you could tell me what happened.”

 

Silence hung heavily in the room, it felt almost suffocating. He attempted to say something three times before a few words came out of his mouth. “I woke up and he was on top of me.” He couldn't remember telling anyone what had happened before. The police had tried to interview him early on, but mostly he remembered them asking him to describe his attacker, which of course he had felt useless at because the guy had been behind him for the entire time. At least, for the part that he could remember. “He had duct tape… um… uh… over my mouth.”

 

“The duct tape was over your mouth when you woke up?”

 

He bit his lips together, the way people do when they really don’t want let the words out. And then he nodded slightly. “Yeah.”

 

“Go on.”

 

He took a deep breath while he gathered his courage. “We struggled for a while.” He looked down at his hands. He had laced his fingers together in an effort to keep his hands still. “But he was stronger.”  He really didn’t want to see what Vegard thought of this. He’d always supposed - in the middle of the night, when he couldn’t keep himself from thinking about the attack - that Vegard would have gotten away if he had been the one that was attacked. He would have flipped the guy off of him and gotten the upper hand. He never wished that it had been Vegard instead of him. Never. He just worried that Vegard would think he was weak. Embarrassingly so. A disappointment.  And, therefore, somewhat deserving of what had happened.

 

“Bård, could you go on?”

 

His eyes jumped up to Dr. Thorsen, barely long enough for the doctor to notice that his eyes were blue,  unlike the sad brown eyes of his brother's. “Then he stabbed me. I... I couldn’t fight anymore.” His voice trailed off.  He looked up at the doctor hoping that this was enough information.

 

“I know it’s difficult to talk about, but you’re doing well. Could you tell me what happened after he stabbed you?”

 

He couldn't stop tapping his foot.  Well, he could for a few seconds if he concentrated, but then it would go back to tapping of its own volition. He noticed that his hands were fidgeting also, and laced them back together. It seemed like this shouldn't be such a problem. He'd figured out long ago how to keep from fidgeting for interviews.

 

"Bård?"

 

“He taped my arms together. My wrists. Behind my back.” Bård rubbed his eyes for a moment, wishing this would all go away. What was Vegard thinking? Why didn’t he say anything? He would forever be labeled the weak one, the one who’d been overpowered.

 

The doctor was waiting. Waiting for more. He was supposed to keep talking.

 

“And then he tortured me.” He didn't feel like crying, which was sort of odd, considering his inability to stop crying most of the time. Maybe being with a stranger activated a shield, a sort of wall that he couldn’t keep up when he was just with Vegard. But now, they were getting to the part of the attack that he had relived over and over. The part he would never forget.

 

The doctor waited for him to say more. As he was weighing how far to take it today, he looked at Vegard and could see that he was quite upset. “Has your brother told you what happened before?”

 

Vegard looked from the doctor to his brother and back. This was so hard for Bård. This was really going to help him? He shook his head.

 

“You were there, though. I think I read that in the newspaper.”

 

“Uh huh... Yeah.”

 

“Maybe you could tell me what happened, what you saw.”

 

“Well, he was on the daybed. That creep was on top of him and didn’t seem to care that I’d walked in on them.” He paused and checked on Bård, to see how he was handling this. Bård was staring at his hands. Vegard wasn’t sure what that meant, it was so different from his reactions at home. “And he was hurting him.”

 

“You witnessed him torturing your brother? How did that make you feel?”

 

He puffed out a silent laugh at the stereotypical question. “I wanted to kill him.” He noticed that Bård immediately turned his head to look at him. “I really wanted to kill him and I would have, if I’d had the chance.” He turned to look at Bård, who was already back to staring at his hands. He wished he could just make eye contact with him. It would tell him a lot.

 

“How are you doing Bård?" The doctor had a way of sounding comforting without sounding patronizing.  "You look a little like you’re checking out.”

 

“I’m listening.”

 

The doctor turned back to Vegard. “And then what?”

 

“We fought. I was able to get him off of Bård, he dropped the knife, and we fought."

 

The doctor was quiet, but he was still looking at Vegard so he soldiered on.

 

"He hit me - he kind of rang my bell - and I was dazed. Then he picked up the knife and I was cornered." He glanced at Bård again. If this didn’t help Bård he wasn't sure what he was going to do to the doctor, it seemed so cruel. "Then, Bård - I still don't know how - he must have rolled over and somehow gotten into a sitting position, because the next thing I knew he had stood up and was throwing himself into the guy. Knocking him down. He saved my life."

 

A look of confusion was all over Bård's face. "Bård, you look like you don't remember that."

 

"I don't."

 

"What is the last thing you remember?"

 

"I remember Vegard coming into the dressing room.” He could picture it. The look on Vegard’s face as the reality of the situation sunk in. “I really wanted him to run.” He had screamed at Vegard, telling him to run. But, Vegard had stood there, defiantly, as he probably should have expected. “I didn't want him to… to..." Of course Vegard didn’t run. Sometimes he was so stubborn. “But, he didn’t listen.” It was kind of funny, because everyone thought that _he_ was the stubborn one.

 

"Didn't want him to what, Bård?"

 

Wasn’t this over yet? Why wasn’t it over yet? He covered his face with his hands for a few seconds and just concentrated on breathing. "I didn’t want him to die too."

 

"You were pretty sure you were going to die?"

 

He nodded.  

 

The doctor looked at his notes and took his time before speaking. "But, no memories after that?"

 

"I remember hearing Vegard talking to me. It felt like he was really close to me."

 

"Does that sound possible, Vegard?"

 

It was almost like he was there. He could remember the smell of the room and the voice of the emergency operator. He had really wanted her to shut up, except he needed her help. He had been so focused on trying to make Bård respond in some way. But Bård didn’t respond, and he was so pale. That's the image that usually flashed into his mind, sometimes at the oddest times. His brother, so pale that he looked like he was already dead .

 

"Vegard?"

 

At first, when Vegard had removed the duct tape from his brother's mouth, Bård had responded with groans. It was a horrible, sickening sound and Vegard had found it painful to listen to.  But then Bård had become completely silent. Vegard was sure that he couldn't fully explain how awful that silence had been. Every ounce of the panic he had felt that afternoon was washing over him anew.

 

He nodded and his voice broke when he finally made himself speak.  "Uh, yeah."

 

The doctor could read from their faces that they had gone far enough for the first day. They talked for a few minutes about how things were going right now and based on that he decided to put Bård on an antidepressant. He almost prescribed one for Vegard too, but decided to wait since they both agreed to come back for the next appointment.  It wasn't unusual for family members to need help after a traumatic event. .. even if they hadn’t actually witnessed the event. He was surprised at how well Vegard seemed to be doing, but sometimes people defer dealing with their own feelings if they’re busy taking care of someone else.

 

 

* * *

.

 

They drove home in sort of a stunned silence.  It was the most mutually agreed upon silence that they'd shared since the attack.

 

When they got to the house, Vegard remembered that Bård was in the car with him.  He'd kind of forgotten. "Bård?"

 

Bård seemed to not hear and went into the house ahead of him.

 

"Bård?"

 

By the time Vegard got through the door,  Bård was already disappearing into the living room.

 

"Can we talk about it?"

 

Vegard kicked off his shoes and followed him into the living room. Bård was already seated on the couch. He was hugging his legs and looked a little shell shocked.  

 

"Bård?"

 

Vegard came over and sat next to him.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

Bård nodded. He looked straight ahead.

 

“Did it upset you when I told him that stuff?”

 

He shrugged and shook his head.

 

Vegard couldn’t blame him. He really didn’t want to talk about it any more today, but Bård seemed almost catatonic. “Could you say something? I need to hear your voice.”

 

“Why didn’t you run? Why wouldn’t you run?” He sounded upset. It was the first thing he’d said, since the psychiatrist started questioning him, that didn’t sound completely numb.

 

“When I found you?”

 

“Couldn’t you hear me? I was telling you to run.” His voice trembled and he was looking at Vegard, waiting for an answer.

 

“Bård, I wasn’t going to leave you.” _But, I saw your eyes. I knew exactly what you were saying._

 

“But I was just going to die anyway.”

 

He remembered it vividly. When he saw Bård, wounded on the daybed, his first thought had been that Bård was dying.  “Well… I didn’t… I had to try to help you.”

 

“Why? You must have thought that.”

 

He couldn’t imagine himself leaving Bård in that situation. He felt a little sick remembering how he had left his brother alone and sleeping in the dressing room. His chest felt tight. He took a few deep breaths. “Bård, I’m sure you would have helped me, right?" He tried to mentally switch places. “If he’d attacked me instead.” He pictured himself on the daybed and Bård coming into the dressing room. Of _course_ he would have told Bård to run.

 

His brother looked stricken at the thought. “Yeah, of course I would have.”

 

Vegard reached out and held his wrist “I understand what you’re saying. I would have wanted you to run too.” Bård didn’t look at him but nodded slightly. “But that’s not who we are. We’ve always looked out for each other, haven’t we?”

 

“You’ve always looked out for me.” Bård kept his eyes down, so Vegard didn’t register the self indictment that it carried.

 

He laughed a little. “Well, yeah, you’re my little brother. But since we’ve gotten older it hasn’t been all one sided.”

 

 _Yes it has. It always has. Look at us now._ He didn’t know what to say. He just looked at Vegard, hoping he’d say something.

 

Vegard knew that look. He didn’t see it very often, but it was the look Bård gave him when he’d forgotten a line and was stuck or was interviewing a really difficult guest and needed a lifeline. “Come on.” Vegard stood up and reached his hands out to Bård, to help him rise. “Let’s make lunch.”

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

“Oh, but you will be. It’s going to smell wonderful. Come on.” He was not going to take no for an answer.

 

Bård looked at him. Vegard could practically see his brother’s thought process on his face: _“I don’t want to do this. Why does he still have his hands out? I don’t want to do this. He’s still there looking at me. I don’t want to... Oh, fine! I have no choice.”_  Bård took his hands and allowed himself to be pulled to standing.

 

“I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t run.” He was being gently pushed by Vegard toward the kitchen.

 

“Because… oh, come on. You know why.” Vegard’s voice was low and quiet. “I had to do that. It’s in my DNA.” He sighed, and thought he might as well say it. “I love you… stupid.”

 

A small smile crept over Bård’s lips. It was reassuring that something like that was still acceptable.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say again how much I appreciate everyone's comments and support. I always want to reply to your comments, but sometimes I feel a little awkward (think "Vegard-like"). So please understand if sometimes I just say "thanks".


	16. Chapter 16

The waiting room was quiet. A week had gone by and they were back at the psychiatrist’s office for their second appointment. Dr. Thorsen’s receptionist was sitting behind a low counter and doing something on her computer. Bård had noticed that she was signed in to her Twitter account when they had checked in. He was just praying that she wouldn’t tweet out something about them visiting a shrink. There was that whole doctor/patient confidentiality thing, but she wasn’t a doctor, maybe she wasn’t bound by it. Or, maybe she was bound to it by association, but what did she really have to lose if she were to tweet something anyway? She probably didn’t get paid well enough to pay for her silence. It made him wonder if he should slip her some money. Except, what if she hadn’t thought of tweeting anything about him until he brought it up?

 

“What are you thinking about?” Vegard was looking at him curiously.

 

“Nothing. Why?”

 

“Nothing? Who do you think you’re talking to?” He had a point. He couldn’t really get away with that with Vegard.

 

“It’s…” He shook his head, trying to think of how to indicate it with hand signals, so that the receptionist wouldn’t hear him talking about her. He pointed over at her, and then mimed that he was typing. As he was trying to figure out how to indicate Twitter - or just social media in general - Vegard turned away and looked at his phone. _Well, how rude! You’re the one who asked!_

 

His smartphone buzzed and he pulled it out, a little surprised that anyone was texting him.

 

              Vegard  10:22am 

              You really suck at miming. Have I ever told you that?

 

                                                                                                       Bård  10:23am

                                                                                                       Haha. Maybe you just suck at paying attention.

 

              Vegard10:23 am

              I went to my phone so we could communicate.

 

He threw an exasperated look in Bård’s direction.

 

                                                                                                       Bård 10:24 am

                                                                                                       Oh. Sorry. I should have given you a little credit. She’s on

                                                                                                       Twitter. I’m just worried that she’ll say something about us

                                                                                                       being here.

 

              Vegard  10:24 am

              She can’t. She’d get fired.

 

                                                                                                       Bård     10:25

                                                                                                       No, she could and she’d get fired. But it would already be out there.

 

Vegard was looking at him. He seemed to be trying to decided how to say something. From his expression, Bård wasn’t sure that he wanted to know what it was.

 

              Vegard  10:26

              Lots of people go to therapy. I don’t want her

              to announce it, and I don’t think she will, but

              it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

 

Bård sat and stared at the text.

 

              Vegard 10:27

              Would it be?

 

                                                                                                       Bård      10:27

                                                                                                       I guess not.

 

“Mr.Ylvisåker and Mr.Ylvisåker?” The woman at the desk, was looking over the counter at them .

 

“Yes.” Bård answered.

 

“Dr. Thorsen is ready to see you now. You can both go in.”

 

* * *

 

“Good Morning Bård. Vegard.” He nodded at each of them and allowed them a few moments to get comfortable in their chairs. “How was everything after last week’s session. Did any issues come up?”

 

They sat quietly, glancing at each other and then back to the doctor, neither of them really wanting to begin.

 

“Vegard, anything?”

 

Vegard glanced at Bård again, hoping for an indication that it was alright to say something. “Bård was upset that I didn’t run when I found him and that… guy in the dressing room.”

 

“Bård, is that true? Would you really have wanted your brother to leave you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Vegard was a little surprised that Bård still said that.

 

Dr. Thorsen waited for Bård to continue. When he didn’t, the questioning continued. “Would you say you are close to your brother?”

 

Bård looked up. “Yes.”

 

“How do you suppose he would have felt if he had done that?”

 

“I wanted him to live.”  Bård was getting upset. His foot was tapping and he looked like he wanted to run.  

 

“So you would have left him there, if the situation had been reversed?”

 

He looked up from his hands. “The situation would never have been reversed.”

 

The doctor’s eyebrows both went up. “Why?” Vegard thought it was probably the first time he had looked surprised by anything they'd said.

 

Bård only shrugged. The doctor waited for further clarification and then turned to Vegard. "Do you know why he would say that, Vegard?"

 

"No." Vegard was truly confused. He turned to his brother.  "What do you mean? Why wouldn't it ever have happened to me?

 

"I just don't think it would... ok?" Bård looked at Vegard and pled silently for him not to ask again.  

 

"Does that make you angry?" Dr. Thorsen didn't get the message or, more likely, ignored it.

 

"No." He was staring at his hands as if his life depended on it.

 

"It sounds like you’re angry that it wouldn’t have happened to him."

 

"No! I wouldn’t want him to get hurt." The doctor won. He looked up from his hands that time.

 

"Vegard do you understand why he is upset?"

 

He tried to remember their conversation from a week ago. Bård had been upset, but not like this. “No... I thought we already talked about this.”

 

"Well, Bård is still upset about it." The doctor sounded like he wanted to make sure that Vegard understood that this was important.

 

"We don't have to talk about it." Bård spoke quietly and if he could have disappeared, Vegard was sure he would have.

 

Vegard’s eyes flicked back to the doctor. He was still absorbing that the doctor thought this was important. "No. We can talk about it.” He wished that they could make eye contact. “Bård?"

 

"Bård, he's waiting for you to look at him.” The doctor spoke gently but somewhat firmly at the same time.

 

Reluctantly, Bård met his gaze. "I understand that I could have been killed, but that’s..."

 

" _Please_ , Vegard..." Bård's eyes filled with tears.

 

"Bård this is why you're here. Don't try to muzzle your brother.”

 

Bård dropped his head into his hand and started crying.  

 

"Stop. He's trying." Vegard was feeling frustrated with the doctor. This felt more like they were picking on Bård, rather than trying to help him. He reached over and squeezed Bård's wrist. "I'm on your side."

 

His brother nodded and answered between sobs. "I know."

 

“Vegard, I’m not trying to upset your brother. But you have to get these things out in the open and discussed to get past them. The two of you talked about it, which is good, but obviously Bård doesn’t feel like it’s resolved yet.”

 

Vegard was still holding Bård’s wrist, which seemed to be helping him to regain his composure.

 

“It seems like there is something that you don’t think Vegard understands, Bård.”

 

“I didn’t want him to die for me.”

 

“Alright. Vegard, what do you hear him saying?”

 

“That he didn’t want me to die for him.”

 

Dr. Thorsen smiled. “Maybe in your own words.”

 

Vegard thought before answering. “I think he just wanted to protect me.”

 

“Is that right, Bård?”

 

Bård nodded.

 

“I know this is difficult, but you’re doing a good job of talking about it. Let’s imagine that Vegard left you alone...  in that room... with your assailant… like you wanted him to and… I suppose... called the police and just waited for them to arrive. And, I don’t know... it probably would have taken the police some time to get into the dressing room, especially since the assailant would have had time to lock the door. From what I understand about your injuries, in that case, you most likely would have died.” Dr. Thorsen paused and waited for a response. When Bård looked up, acknowledging that he was listening, the doctor continued.

 

“So, I’m sure it’s hard to put yourself into your brother’s position, especially since you don’t believe the situation could have been reversed, but just try to imagine having the chance to do something to save your brother from something else but, instead,  choosing to step back to protect yourself and wait for the professionals to arrive.” Bård looked up questioningly.

 

“Maybe he’s fallen through some thin ice. You want to go out on the ice to help him. You begin to crawl out on your stomach so that, hopefully, you won’t fall through too.” Bård looked over at Vegard.

 

“But, Vegard tells you to go back to shore, it’s too dangerous. Maybe you even argue with him, but eventually you go back. You listen to your brother.” Bård was shaking his head slowly.

 

“You kind of know that he’s not going to make it if you just wait for help. Well, he probably knows that too, but he’s looking out for you.”

 

“No... stop.”

 

“So, Vegard dies, probably before the professionals even arrive on the scene.”

 

“I don’t…”

  
“Excuse me, Bård?”

 

“I don’t want to... I can't...” Bård had his hand to his mouth.

 

“It’s hard to even contemplate, isn’t it?” Bård nodded. Tears were streaming down his face.

 

“Doctor, really…” This seemed like too much to Vegard.

 

Dr. Thorsen held up his hand and continued. “You wouldn’t really have wanted Vegard to feel like that, the way you’re feeling right now just at the thought of it, you wouldn’t have wanted him to have to live with that feeling, would you?”

 

Bård shook his head. He put his face in his hands and was sobbing quietly.

 

Vegard put his arm around his brother’s shoulders and spoke softly. “It’s ok. It’s ok, Bård.”

 

* * *

  

The rest of the therapy session wasn’t nearly as emotional. By the time it was over, Bård had somewhat recovered and he and Vegard had chatted about this and that on the ride home. But when they stepped inside the house, they began to feel a little awkward; probably because they each knew that if the other one was going to talk about the session, he wouldn’t say anything until they were safely inside the house. After a few moments, Bård broke the ice. “That was fun.” He was being sarcastic, but Vegard was relieved to see the beginnings of a smile on his lips.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

Bård thought for a few seconds and then smirked. “I’m a little afraid to tell you, ‘cause we’ll be talking about it next week.”

 

Vegard chuckled. “That’s ok, there’s always something. ‘Dr. Thorsen. Bård is afraid to talk to me now.'”

 

Fortunately, Bård started giggling at that. They both did.

 

“Well, not to work against Dr. Thorsen, but now we know we should talk about what is fair game before we go in to see him each week.”

 

“I don’t mind the idea of working against Dr. Thorsen.”

 

“No, _you_ wouldn’t.” Perhaps he shouldn’t have phrased it quite that way.

 

As he was rethinking what he’d just said, Bård came up and hugged him. “Please don’t tell me not to rescue you.”

 

Vegard let out a small laugh. “I’ll try not to.”

 

“Me too.”

 

* * *

 

Honestly, he was getting a little annoyed. "Yes, Vegard, I'm sure." His brother was talking to him like he'd totally fall apart if he were left all alone .

 

"All I was saying is that Calle would be happy to come over and hang out for a while.  You don't have to sit here alone. "

 

"You're going to a meeting, not Antarctica. I think I'll be alright." It was Thursday morning, and Vegard had to meet with some network reps over at TVNorge.

 

"I know you'll be alright." Only he didn’t think Vegard sounded completely convinced.

 

"It's not like I'm some little puppy that can't take care of himself. Actually, you'd leave a puppy alone for a few hours. Are you afraid I'm going to chew on the furniture?"

 

"You're right. I should just put some newspaper down on the kitchen floor and get out of here."

 

"Nice one." But he was not amused.

 

Vegard got his things together, grabbed his coat and phone and left without a goodbye.

 

Bård stared at the door. He had been too sensitive about Vegard's suggestion. He knew it wasn't outrageous to suggest that he wouldn't like being alone. The thing was, he wanted to believe that he would be fine on his own for a couple of hours. It seemed like a small hurdle that he should force himself to get over. And, he had hoped that Vegard would think he was ready for that too. It was a little disconcerting to realize his brother didn't think that at all.

 

He took a deep breath and let it out. Vegard wouldn't stay mad.  He was probably over it already. It was normal and healthy that they were bickering with each other. He was trying to believe all those things, but the few times they had bickered recently, he had started to feel panicky almost immediately.

 

They had gone for weeks without any of their normal banter. Recently, as the sleeping pills brought him back to the land of the living, he had let a remark slip out here and there. Something teasing or sarcastic. And when it had happened, initially it felt good, like he had crawled back into his old skin. And for a moment or two he remembered what it was like to feel normal. But then, when Vegard said something back, even though it was never anything particularly harsh, it made him feel hurt and vulnerable. Even though he somehow, rationally knew everything was fine, he almost couldn't stand it. Last week, one of his comments irritated Vegard, causing him to go out for a short walk. He couldn’t have been gone for more than ten minutes, but Bård had found it hard to function until Vegard came back and confirmed that everything was ok. He breathed in and out again slowly.

 

Trying to force himself to put it out of his mind for now, he turned on the TV. He didn't even really notice what show was on, he just turned it up loud and went into the kitchen to pick up their breakfast dishes.

 

* * *

 

 

"That wasn't such an awful thing to say, Vegard.  I've heard you guys say much worse to each other and both laugh."

 

"I know, Calle. I just don't know if he's ready for that yet. I don’t even know why I got so irritated by what he said."

 

"Do you want me to go over there?"

 

"No! He'll really be mad if he thinks I went behind his back. He said he wanted to be alone, so now he's going to be alone."

 

Vegard waited for some comment, but Calle was quiet.  "What? You think I'm being a jerk?"

 

"No, I think it's natural that you're still feeling really protective of him. I mean, come on, he almost died. So maybe you're annoyed that, after everything you've done for him, he's pushing you away a bit. And, I think, he's trying to prove to you - and most likely to himself - that he can be fine on his own.”

 

“So, I need to… what does that mean?” What Calle said made sense, but he wasn’t sure what to do with it.

 

“I don’t know. I think you have to support his instinct to try to be independent and be ready to help him if he needs it. Obviously, he still needs you Vegard. He practically said it himself. He just wants to try to be ok for a couple of hours. That’s what you want, right?”

 

“Yes, of course.” All this emotional stuff was such a mystery to him sometimes. It was too bad that Bård was stuck with him for emotional support. “I'm at TVNorge now. I've got to go. Sorry about earlier... I know you were disappointed."

 

"Pfft!  Don't be silly. I like talking to you too. He'll call me eventually."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bård was nervously pacing his apartment. He had insisted that he would be alright with being alone, so now he had to be alright with being alone. The TV was off now. The sound of people talking about stupid, random things had just made him more anxious. The meeting with the network shouldn’t take too long. They probably wanted to know how he was recovering. Maybe they wanted to break his contract. He wasn’t even sure how he felt about that. It was hard to imagine going on the set now, being in front of all those people, having to be funny, pretending to be happy. It was exhausting to even think about. He wasn’t sure if he would even mind if they broke his contract. But, it wasn’t just him. It affected his brother too and, as messed up as he felt, that still mattered to him, a lot.

 

As he paced from the living room to the sunroom and back, he glanced at the phone on the kitchen island every time he passed it. He could call someone. It might make him feel less panicky if he could listen to a familiar voice. But who?

 

He could call home. He knew his mom would love it if he would call for once. He’d been really bad about that since...it happened. He wouldn’t even always talk to her when she called, begging Vegard to just tell her he was taking a nap or something. It was hard to talk to her because he felt the need to pretend that he was fine, which was challenging. No, today wouldn’t be a good time to call home.

 

He could call Calle, but he hadn't forgiven him yet for insisting that he see a psychiatrist. He realized on some level that Calle did that out of concern for him, maybe even out of concern for Vegard. But it hurt that Calle thought he was crazy. He wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.

 

He had lots of other friends, but he hadn’t spoken to any of them since the attack. Many of them had called or otherwise tried to contact him, but he felt anxious when he thought about talking to them. The last thing he wanted was to have to talk about the attack, even if it was just a friend telling him how sorry they were it had happened.

 

He briefly considered calling Dr. Thorsen. That was what he was there, for right? But, then he reasoned that wasn’t exactly what Dr. Thorsen was there for. He was available for appointments. Maybe he should have timed his anxiety attack for a time that he had already scheduled an appointment.

 

A loud ringtone interrupted his thoughts and made him jump, leaving his heart pounding and his stomach a little nauseous. It was funny how loud a cell phone could seem to be when the house was so very quiet. He hadn’t thought Vegard would be done so soon, but he felt relieved at the thought of him returning home soon. “Hi.”

 

“Mr. Yvisåker?”

 

He had just assumed it was Vegard, but he hadn’t checked the caller ID. Now he was sort of stuck. He didn’t recognize the voice, but he answered out of reflex. “Yes?”

 

“This is Detective Bentson over at Grønland Police Station.”

 

“Yes?” His heart jumped into his throat. The police? Was something wrong? Had Vegard been in an accident?

 

“I’m just calling with an update on the investigation into your brother’s attack. At this point we have followed all of the leads that we have. We are still keeping the investigation on active status, but at the moment we’re at a bit of a dead end.”

 

“Oh... I see.”

 

“I don’t suppose your brother has remembered anything else.”

 

“No… he hasn’t”

 

Officer Bentson sighed heavily over the phone. “It would be so helpful if he did. Is he seeing a psychiatrist now? I think I remember you telling me that.”

 

“Yes.” There was a long pause. Bård barely noticed it as he tried to make sense of everything.

 

“Mr. Yvisåker, are you alright? You sound different.”

 

Bård briefly considered keeping up the charade. He had been so shocked to suddenly be speaking with the detective in charge of his case, that it took him a few seconds to piece together what had happened. “This isn’t Vegard. It’s Bård. I thought this was my phone… at first… but I guess Vegard must have taken my phone by mistake."  _Because he was kind of pissed at me and he couldn't wait to get out of here._   "I didn’t mean to lie. I was confused at first.”

 

“Ah, yes.”

 

He hastily added, “I mean, I am Mr. Ylvisåker.”

 

The detective chuckled. “Yes, I can see how that would be confusing. How are you feeling?”

 

For a second, he wondered if it was obvious that he had been freaking out because he was alone. Then he realized that the detective was wondering how he was feeling generally, since the attack. “Uh… it’s been hard.”

 

“I understand. I don’t mean to push you for more information, but I hope if you remember anything else you will contact us. We want to do everything we can to catch your assailant.”

 

“Yes. Thank you.”

 

“I hope I didn’t upset you.”

 

“No.” He lied.

 

“I know you haven’t wanted… that is, I’ve only spoken to your brother before.” The detective sounded like he felt almost as uncomfortable as Bård was feeling.

 

“I appreciate you keeping us informed…and ...well… everything you’ve done, really. Thank you.”  It seemed like this was probably the time he was supposed to thank them. They didn’t have anything left to investigate. They wouldn’t be calling again.

 

“Well, don’t thank us yet. I still think we’ll find him.”

 

“Oh… good.” He wondered if that was true or just something they told everyone whose case wasn’t solved. He was feeling a little shaky and he was afraid that the officer probably could hear it in his voice.

 

“I’ll let you go. Would you tell your brother I called?”

 

“Yes. Goodbye.” Well, the detective had to have heard his voice catch when he said goodbye. Not that it mattered. Why did he care if the man knew he was upset? He sat down on the floor, staring at the phone. He really wanted to call Vegard. He just needed the reassurance of his brother right now. But, he knew Vegard was in the meeting and he would call as soon as he was done. Which meant, he wasn’t done.

 

On an impulse, he decided to make a call. As it was ringing, he started to reconsider, but then he heard a voice.

 

“Hello? Vegard?”

 

He took a deep breath and forced himself to say something. “Hi, Calle.”

 

A few seconds passed while Calle identified the familiar voice. “Bård?” If he was trying not to sound shocked, he didn’t hide it very well.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you ok?”

 

“Um…could you talk to me?” He wanted to hear someone, to feel connected to the outside world. It was really scary to feel this alone.

 

“Sure. What do you want to talk about?” Calle was speaking gently to him.

 

“No. I mean, could you just talk? About anything.” His hand was shaking and he had to press it to his face to keep the phone in place.

 

“Of course. Are you alone? Do you want me to come over?”

 

“I just need you to… _please_ just talk to me, ok?” Bård hated how desperate he sounded.

 

Bård waited as Calle sputtered a bit before thinking of something to say. Calle began telling him about people that they both knew and the new street signs that had been put up near the office and the girl at the coffee shop that Calle said always flirted with him. Some of the time Bård had a hard time tracking the meaning of the sentences, and was just comforted by the sound of such a familiar voice. Eventually, Calle stopped. Bård felt like maybe he was supposed to say something, but he didn’t know what it was.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Calle was waiting for Bård to say something, anything really. He’d been talking on and on and suddenly realized that he wasn’t even sure if Bård was still there.

 

“They don’t know what else to do.” Bård’s voice shook.

 

“Who?”

 

“The police. They don’t have any more leads.”

 

“Is that what they told Vegard?” Calle thought for sure that Vegard would have mentioned that.

 

“No, they told me. They just called. I answered… I thought it was my phone.”

 

Calle let that sink in. The police had just called and talked to Bård and told him that they had no more leads. “Bård… please let me come over. I don’t think you should be alone.”

 

“He said if I could remember something it might help.”

 

“I'm sure he didn't mean to pressure you.”

 

“They are going to keep the case... active.”

 

“Bård. I’m on my way over.” He hoped that sounded comforting and not more frightening. “If you don’t want me to come in, that’s ok.”

 

While he drove over there he kept jabbering about whatever he could think of. He might have even made some stuff up. Soon, Calle was outside of Bård’s house. “I’m here. Would you like me to come in?”

 

“I don’t know.” Bård’s voice sounded lost.

 

“I think it would be a good idea. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” When he knocked on the door, Bård answered right away.

 

“Hey.” Bård looked pale and Calle was struck again by how thin he appeared.

 

“Hi, Bård. Do you mind if I come in?”

 

“I guess not.” Bård stepped aside to allow Calle in.

 

When he closed the door they found themselves staring at each other awkwardly. “Would you be ok with me giving you a hug?”

 

Bård sort of half nodded and then just shrugged. That was enough of a yes for Calle, so he stepped closer and hugged Bård. Bård barely reciprocated and then he patted Calle’s back to indicate that the hug was over.

 

There was another awkward silence before Bård spoke. "Do you want some tea?"

 

Calle realized he needed to pull himself together.  "Yeah, that would be nice. Why don't you sit down and I'll make it."

 

"Uh... ok, thanks. "

 

Calle put the water on to boil and they spent the next few minutes with Calle repeatedly clearing his throat while Bård avoided eye contact. When the tea was ready, Bård suggested that they sit in the sunroom so they moved out there and sat on the couch. Uncomfortable with the silence, Calle prattled on for a long time hoping that eventually Bård would join in. Calle wished that he could fix things between them but Bård wasn't giving an inch.

 

It was a sunny day but quite cold outside. The sunroom was chilly and Calle noticed Bård shivering.  "Would you like a blanket?" Bård didn’t really answer but Calle put a blanket around his shoulders. He wondered if he shouldn't have tried to get him to eat something. As they sipped their tea Bård started to look warmer and Calle decided that maybe just keeping him company until Vegard got back would have to be enough. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Bård? Calle?”

 

“We’re in here.”

 

Vegard followed the sound of Calle’s voice into the sunroom. He had been surprised to see Calle’s car in front of Bård’s house. “Hi, guys.” Bård was sitting closest to the door and Vegard only saw the back of his head at first. He put his hand on Bård’s shoulder and squeezed it. As soon as Bård looked at him he knew something was wrong.

 

“I’ll go make some tea for you Vegard.” Calle got up and left the brother’s alone.

 

“What happened?” He sat down next to his brother.

 

“I guess you were right. I couldn’t handle it.” His face was a mix of emotions.

 

“What happened?” Something had happened. He could feel it.

 

“I should have listened to you.”

 

He reached over and held Bård’s wrist. “Bård, what happened?”

 

“They don’t know what else to do.”

 

“You talked to them?”

 

“They called your phone.”

 

Why had he grabbed the wrong phone today? “But they’re still looking...” Even as Vegard said it, he wasn’t sure if it was a statement or a question.

 

“Maybe… if I can remember something.” A pained look crossed Bård’s face for a couple of seconds before he tried to cover it with a more neutral expression.

 

Vegard struggled to find something reassuring to say. He wanted to say they’d find the guy, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. He really wanted his brother to be able to trust him, so he wasn’t going to lie. “It’s not your problem to solve. I was there too, and I apparently haven’t given them anything helpful to go by.”

 

“Still. I wish I could remember something. There must be something that would help.”

 

Truly, he didn’t want Bård to have to remember any of it. They sat together quietly for a minute. Vegard wished he knew exactly what to say. “Are you alright?”

 

“I was upset, that’s why I called Calle, but I guess I’ll be ok.” A tear escaped Bård’s eye and he quickly wiped it away. “I thought I was doing so much better.” A few more tears escaped. Bård looked like he felt totally defeated.

 

“You are. You are doing better.” Vegard pulled him into a hug. “This is just one day.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely appreciate all the comments and support I've received. Thanks so much!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, even I am surprised that this continues to be pretty angsty. (I guess that's not a word, but you know what I mean.) But I suppose recovery from such a trauma wouldn't be quick and probably would have it's ups and downs. 
> 
> What I am very wordily saying is be forewarned that it's still pretty sad and messed up and don't read this if that will bother you. :)

_Tonight was the first night of the spring season of I kveld med Ylvis. They had been working like crazy, to get ready for it. A lot of late nights. A lot of take out food. But they were ready._

_Of course, Bård had spent a lot of time with Dr. Thorsen too, trying to get to a place where he could handle their return to TV. But he was ready. The rehearsal had gone well. There were a few kinks to be ironed out... but that was to be expected. They were each at their marks, ready for the opening number. Bård felt... excited._

_Calle started off the song alone. They had thought it would be funny if he led the camera, in a tight close-up on his face, over to Bård and then to Vegard. Calle did his verse and danced over to the desk.  Bård popped up from behind it and joined in on the song with Calle. By the end of the second verse they were standing near the curtain opening, waiting for Vegard to dance out singing the bridge.  His cue came and went. Now the band was playing and no one was singing. Vegard rarely missed a cue. Where was he? He'd been standing backstage just a minute ago._

_Bård pulled the curtain open and stepped behind it. He was going to give Vegard crap for screwing up, now they had to start the song over. Vegard was lying on the stage, face down. Bård ran over to him not knowing if he'd gotten ill or tripped somehow. As he rolled him over, before he saw his face, he knew. His body was lifeless. There was a knife in his chest, stabbed through a piece of paper. On the paper was a note for Bård._

_"No!" He held his brother in his arms. But there was nothing to be done. He was gone. "No!" Bård could only scream and cry._

_"Bård!" Someone was trying to talk to him, but he couldn't listen. That monster had just killed his brother._

_"No! Please! No!"_

_"Bård!" There was a hand on his arm.  "Bård!"_

_He wasn't going to let go of his brother, no matter what.  His cries of "No! " had turned into wordless screams._

_"Bård!" He was being shaken._ "Wake up! Bård!"

 

He looked up. He was on his couch. Vegard was over him. "It's a dream. it's just a dream."

 

He sat up and grabbed Vegard. "You're ok! You're ok!" He hugged Vegard briefly, and then grasped his arms, trying to convince himself through touch that this Vegard was more real than the one in his dream.

 

"Yeah, I am. Did you think I wasn't?"

 

He'd just seen his brother murdered. At least, he felt like he had. Bård was trying to get his emotions under control, so he simply nodded.  

 

The confrontation that they'd had earlier came back to him. This morning, during the meeting at TVNorge, Vegard told the network reps that they weren't ready to start work on the spring season yet. So now they weren't going to have a spring season either. Bård had blown up at Vegard for deciding that without him.  

 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got mad at you."

 

Vegard, hadn't thought that it was much of a question. The network had needed them to commit to the spring season right away, that day, and they would have needed to start working on it immediately. It wasn't that long ago that Bård had said he wasn't sure if he'd ever want to go back on stage. Still, as soon as Vegard had said no, he regretted it. He should have told them that he needed to talk to his brother. Ylvis was both of them, together.

 

"It's ok. You were right. I shouldn't have told them we weren’t ready without talking to you first."

 

"Yes, you should have."

 

There had been times in the past when Vegard had wished for this, that Bård would just go along with whatever he decided (for once) and maybe even admit that he was right. “Ok. Take a deep breath… and another one.” But not like this. “Come on, one more deep breath. You’re ok, we both are.”  Eventually, Bård had mostly calmed down with only the occasional gasp for breath. “It was just a dream, Bård. It wasn’t real.”

 

Bård nodded again, but Vegard could see he was still upset. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

 

The emotions were still very raw and were written all over Bård’s face. Even though Bård told him no, Vegard was pretty sure that he needed to talk about it.

 

“Come on. I already know that I died or something. Right?”

 

Shakily he answered, “Yeah.” He didn’t want to think about it anymore, but Vegard was looking at him expectantly. He explained the dream as briefly as he could get away with.

 

“What did the note say?”

 

“It said, ‘Don’t forget, I own you now.’ ”

 

 

* * *

 

“Here. Why don’t you drink this?” Bård was sitting on the couch. He was still clearly upset by the dream.

 

“What is it?” Bård inspected the warm liquid that Vegard gave him.

 

Vegard sat down beside him. “It’s just tea.”

 

They sat sipping for a few minutes. “He said that to you, didn’t he?”

 

“‘I own you now’? Yeah.” He didn’t understand why it always made him feel worse to talk to Vegard about the attack. Why he always assumed that Vegard was thinking he was weak or a coward, or that Vegard was ashamed of him, but he did. Really, what was his brother to think, that he had been strong and brave? Should Vegard be proud of him? He hadn’t, in any way, managed to overpower the assailant. It really would have been better if…

 

“Are you ok?”

 

_Fuck! I’m crying! Fuck! I’m so stupid. And now he’s looking at me like it’s his fault._

 

“I didn’t mean to... please don’t cry.”

 

“I’m not. I mean, I’m fine.” He tried to pull himself together. Was it going to be like this forever? Feeling a little better, and then having something stupid throw him into a tailspin?

 

"Do you want me to call Dr. Thorsen's office? Maybe we could get in today to talk to him."

 

"No!" He hadn't meant to say it that loud. Vegard had jumped back from him a bit. "Like you said, it was just a dream. I can't run to him every time I have a bad dream."

 

"I just thought maybe he could help you sort it out."

 

"I'm fine, Vegard. I know I seem totally incapable of handling anything, but I can still handle a nightmare like a normal person!"

 

Vegard looked away.

 

 _Shit! Why did I say that? Vegard has given up everything to take care of me. He does not deserve that._  “I'm sorry.”

 

"No. You're right." Vegard stood up and went into the kitchen. When he came back out he had put on his jacket and found his car keys.  "I'm going to run out and get a few things from the supermarket."

 

Before Bård could think of something to say, Vegard was gone and he was alone.

 

He sat for a couple of minutes just looking at the door, trying to will Vegard to come back. Maybe his brother would think better of it once he got in the car. Maybe Vegard would realize that Bård didn’t mean to be such a pain in the ass. But, after a while, it was clear that he was not coming back.

 

It was hard to concentrate on anything. He wasn’t sure what to do. He decided to write Vegard a note. He crumpled up his first two drafts.:

 

 

> Dear Vegard - I’m sorry I’m such a dick.

 

 

> Vegard - I’m sorry I yelled at you. In my defense, I did just witness my brother being murdered. (Granted, it was only a dream.)
> 
>  

He ended up with this:

 

 

> V - I’m sorry I yelled at you. Maybe you should move back to your own place before I totally screw everything up. I really don’t want to mess up our relationship. - B
> 
>   

He sort of wanted to add ‘I love you’, but he wasn’t comfortable writing it.  Vegard would think it was weird.

 

He wondered if Vegard really would move out. He’d been staying at Bård’s house for over five weeks. Bård had lived on his own for years now, but it was hard to imagine going back to that now. Rather, he could imagine it happening, he just couldn’t imagine feeling safe that way. But, it was going to happen sometime, maybe now was as good a time as any. He left the note on the kitchen table and sat down in the sunroom.

 

Half an hour later Vegard came in with the groceries and started putting the food away. About halfway through he noticed the note on the table.

 

“Bård! Where are you?”

 

“I’m out here.”

 

Vegard stuck his head into the sunroom with an annoyed look on his face. “Seriously, there should be an expiration date on the use of this sunroom. It’s too frickin’ cold out here!”

 

“I have the afghan…” Bård had been shivering for a while, but hadn’t worked up the energy to move. “...but yeah, it is pretty cold.”

 

“What’s this?” Vegard held up the piece of paper.

 

“A note?”

 

A crooked smile crossed Vegard’s face.

 

“I meant it. I’m really sorry.”

 

“I know. I’m not questioning that. You didn’t have to apologize.” He paused and looked at the floor for a few seconds. “I’m the one who should apologize. I shouldn’t have just left you here alone. Especially not today.”

 

Bård shrugged. “I don’t blame you for getting tired of me.”

 

"I was just a little irritated. It wasn't that big of a deal. You definitely didn't mess up our relationship." Vegard entered the room, hugging himself to stay warm, and approached the couch.  "I'll admit it, it's too cold for me out here. Come on." He reached his hands out to pull Bård to his feet. When Bård didn't raise his hands out from under the afghan Vegard pulled the blanket off of him and found his hands. "We're going inside."

 

They walked back into the warmth of the house.  "We need to talk." Vegard guided Bård over to the living room couch. When they were both seated Vegard began.  "You do remember how we used to talk to each other before the attack, don't you?"

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

“We said stupid stuff, sometimes we got mad at each other.”

 

Bård nodded. “Yeah.”

 

“But it always blew over. We never stopped talking or thought that Ylvis was over. Right?”

 

“I know.” Bård knew what he was getting at. Back then he would never have written a note to Vegard because of a few cross words. He probably wouldn’t have apologized at all.

 

“Why does it have to be different now?”

 

“I don't know.” He truly didn’t know. But it felt different to him.

 

“I think we need to trust the things that we always used to take for granted. I think they’re still true.” When Bård didn't say anything, Vegard continued. “I know we’ve been through a lot, and maybe some things won’t totally get back to the way they were, but you and I, we’re the same. We still have the same bond. I mean, I feel that way. I wish you wouldn’t question that. You don’t need to worry about that... at all.”

 

Bård let the words sink in. A small smile came to his lips.

 

“What?” Vegard started smiling, anticipating a comment.

 

“Is that what you meant by ‘I love you, stupid’?”

 

Vegard laughed. “Did I say that? You don’t have it on tape, do you?”

 

Bård huffed out a laugh and shook his head.

 

“Yeah… you might be on to me.” Vegard stood up and moved toward the kitchen. “Come on, help me put the rest of the groceries away.” When Bård didn’t immediately follow, Vegard called over his shoulder. “Hurry up. Stop plotting how you can get me to say that again.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Should we talk to him about what the police said?” Vegard was driving. They were on their way to see Dr. Thorsen. This week, since the call from the police, had been a difficult week. Bård seemed to have taken a step back in his recovery.

 

“Why?” The one-word answer from Bård was pretty typical, for this week anyway.

 

“Why should we talk about it or why am I asking?” Even though most people would think this was minor, it was one of the most difficult repercussions of the attack, for Vegard anyway. He often didn’t feel like he knew what Bård was thinking. There were still times that they fell into sync like before, but those were the exception rather than the norm. It felt painful to have this disconnect and sometimes he just wanted to grab Bård and do some kind of Vulcan mind-meld or something so that they’d be in tune with each other again.

 

Bård was fiddling with some piece of paper that he’d found in the car. Vegard felt like Bård was trying to shut him out.

 

“Bård? I don’t know what you're thinking.” He immediately regretted saying that out loud. Bård seemed to have flinched when he said it. How many times had they told interviewers about their amazing connection, about they way they knew what the other was thinking?

 

“Do we have to talk about it?” The piece of paper was apparently the most fascinating thing in the world, because Bård definitely was unable to look at him while he spoke.

 

“No... it might help though.” Vegard searched Bård’s face. _I guess he’d rather not talk about it, or think about it, or be going to Dr. Thorsen’s for that matter. He just wants me to change the subject._ "We don't have to, but...it bothers me too, you know.”

 

Bård finally looked at him. "I know."

 

"I don't know if you totally do." He sighed and looked back at the road. Every once in a while he just wished it wasn’t all about how Bård was feeling. He glanced back at Bård, but his brother was looking out the passenger window, apparently uninterested in his concerns.

 

So, Vegard was a little surprised to eventually hear, "Do you think it would help you?"

 

"I think it could help both of us." Vegard was turning into the small parking lot that was for Dr. Thorsen’s patients only. He pulled the car into a parking spot and stopped. He waited for some response from Bård, but he was silent.

 

“Bård?”

 

"Ok. If you want to." It wasn’t a ringing endorsement, but he’d take it.

 

* * *

 

 

“Should we talk to him about what the police said?” Vegard seemed to make a point of not looking at him when he said that. Bård thought he was trying to sound casual.

 

His brother was driving them to another appointment with the psychiatrist. Bård wasn’t sure if these sessions were helping him at all. He definitely didn’t think it would help to talk about that. “Why?”

 

“Why would we talk about it or why am I asking?”

 

This was exhausting. Bård wished that Vegard just understood what he was saying, without having to explain everything. He fiddled with a piece of paper that he’d found in the car. It helped him keep his mind off of the fact that they were going to the shrink again.

 

“Bård? I don’t know what you're thinking.”

 

That hurt. It seemed silly, in a way, but that hurt. How many times had they told interviewers about their amazing connection, about they way they knew what the other was thinking?  “Do we have to talk about it?” Now his eyes were glued to the piece of paper, in an effort to conceal the tears that Vegard’s last remark had produced.

 

“No... it might help though.”

 

_I’d rather not talk about it, or think about it, or be going to the shrink, for that matter. Why can’t you just ask me about something else?_

 

"We don't have to, but...it bothers me too, you know.”

 

He had been forced by that admission to look away from the piece of paper and at his brother. Vegard looked really tired to Bård. "I know." He had seen that Vegard was more stressed this week, even though he had a much harder time reading Vegard now than before the attack.

 

"I don't know if you totally do."

 

That was painful to hear. It just reminded him of how little Vegard had relied upon him for anything since the attack. Vegard had been having a hard time dealing with the increasing likelihood that their attacker might never be caught but, apparently, hadn't even _thought_ to talk to _him_ about it. It made Bård feel worthless. Worse than that... he was just a burden. He turned and looked out his passenger window while he tried to blink back some more tears.

 

He hated that he wasn’t supporting Vegard through any of this, it made him feel useless. But, he was afraid to ask what it was that Vegard didn't think he knew. The only thing worse than feeling like he was useless to Vegard would have been to have that theory proven to be true. He brushed a couple of tears from his cheek before turning his head to look forward.

 

"Do you think it would help you?" Bård was really hoping that his brother would say no, but if it would help Vegard to talk about it, he'd suffer through it. Somehow he had managed to speak without sounding like he was crying.

 

"I think it could help both of us." They turned into the small parking lot that was for Dr. Thorsen’s patients only.

 

 _I don't care if it helps me. I just want to stop messing up your life._ He couldn't get the words out. He didn’t want Vegard to know he was crying.

 

“Bård?”

 

"Ok. If you want to." He was trying to keep it together on the outside, but it seemed like that made him feel like he was imploding.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hello Bård, Vegard. Sit down, make yourselves comfortable.” Dr. Thorsen waited for them both to look at him, but Bård didn't.  "Bård how are you today?"

 

"Uh... Ok"

 

"How are you tolerating the antidepressant? Is it still alright?"

 

"Yes. I guess."

 

"Does it seem to be helping?"

 

Bård looked up. He struggled for an answer.

 

“It’s only been two weeks. I wouldn’t really expect you to feel it yet. Let’s give it at least a couple more weeks, as long as the side-effects aren’t getting to you.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“Would you remind me, how long has it been since the attack?”

 

It was funny, anytime anyone said the word “attack”, he could smell the odd odor that permeated the auditorium. "51 days.”

 

When he glanced up at Dr. Thorsen, he was smiling a thin lipped smile that seemed to recognise how difficult this was for Bård. “You seem to be having a hard time today Bård.”

 

Bård was staring at his hands, but it didn't seem to be helping. "I... I don't know.  Yeah, today is hard..."

 

"Vegard?"

 

“I... " He glanced at Bård. Vegard felt like he would be betraying him by telling Dr. Thorsen about this last week. "I don't know what to say."

 

"Alright. Vegard, maybe you should wait outside for a bit. I'll bring you back in after I speak to Bård."

 

“Should I, Bård?”

 

Bård wanted to say no or scream or just disappear into a vapor, but he managed to just nod.

 

When Vegard was gone and the door was closed, Dr. Thorsen continued. “So, are you doing alright?”

 

“Yes.” His foot was tapping. There was something about this office that gave his foot a mind of it’s own.

 

“I’d ask if any issues came up this week, but it’s pretty obvious that something is up. Would you be willing to tell me?”

 

The feelings were almost overwhelming. There were so many things that were wrong, he wasn’t sure where to start. He kept his eyes down and ran his hand through his hair.

 

“How about just telling me one thing that is bothering you? We don’t have to tackle everything today.”

 

Bård took a deep breath and started to recount his conversation with the police detective. Vegard was right, he needed help dealing with it. But the main reason he decided to talk about it was that Vegard needed to talk about it. If he couldn’t help Vegard, at least he could make sure someone else did.

 

“So, they’re not sure how to proceed. How did that make you feel?”

 

“I felt like… I feel like they’re never going to find him.” His heart was beginning to pound. He tried to concentrate on his hands. Images of the attack were slipping into his mind.

 

“What else?”

 

“I felt like I wanted Vegard to move out and go to his own place.” He remembered Vegard’s face when he first walked in on the attack. It made him feel sick. Even though he understood why Vegard couldn’t have run away, Bård couldn’t help feeling like he wanted to protect him.

 

“Why?”

 

“He shouldn’t be at my house... it’s not safe. Besides, he should have his own life.” He had all sorts of confusing images of the attacker and Vegard struggling, and the knife, and a cell phone. He kept picturing a dressing table and that ugly upholstered chair that had been in the dressing room. He’d had that image pop into his head before and he still couldn’t figure out why.

 

“What did Vegard think about that?”

 

Dr. Thorsen’s voice pulled him back. “I don’t know. I didn’t say that to him. I’m too afraid of being alone.” The image was so fresh: waking up alone, with duct tape over his mouth and not knowing what the fuck was going on.

 

“You didn’t try to talk to him about your concerns for his safety?”

 

“No. I should have. He said, on the way here, that what the detective told me bothered him. But that was the first time he’s said anything to me about how he’s been feeling. I guess he doesn’t think I can help him. Maybe he’s right.”

 

“You’d like to help him?”

 

“Yes, of course. If I could.” _‘I don’t know if you totally do.’ He doesn’t want my help though._

 

“I almost get the feeling that you’re more upset that he didn’t talk to you about it than you are about what the detective said.”

 

Bård thought about that for a little while. “I feel like I’ve ruined our relationship.”

 

“Would you mind if I ask him about that when he comes back in?”

 

“I don’t know.” He was thinking he did mind, very much, but assumed it was more of a rhetorical question.

 

“I think it would be helpful to talk about it.”

 

Dr.Thorsen notified his receptionist to send Vegard back in.

 

“Bård maybe you should tell Vegard what you told me.”

 

“I thought we were going to talk about the police being at a dead end.” Bård really didn’t want to do what the doctor wanted, but he also knew Vegard wanted to talk about the investigation. Dr. Thorsen’s face registered a hint of annoyance, which Bård took as a win. If he couldn’t be in control at least he didn’t have to be totally compliant.

 

“We will get to that, Bård. Tell him what you just told me.”

 

Bård realized there was no getting out of this now. He turned to face Vegard, knowing that the doctor would insist on it if he didn’t. “I feel like… I think I’ve…” He looked back at his hands. He wasn’t ready to have everything confirmed - all the awful things that Vegard thought about him, everything that hadn’t been said but that he already knew. “I’m just... I’m so sorry.”

 

Vegard looked at the doctor and then back to his brother. “What?”

 

“I didn’t mean to screw everything up. To make you hate…” For some reason an image of Vegard, smiling at him on stage, popped into his head. That felt like a lifetime ago.

 

“Make me hate what?”

 

“Me.” He said that quite softly and he could see that it took Vegard a few seconds to even comprehend it.

 

‘Hate you? What?! I don’t hate you!”

 

“I’ve ruined our relationship.”

 

“No you haven’t.”

 

“It’s so different now. You’re stuck taking care of me and everything for our production company is on your shoulders. You used to talk to me.” His voice broke and he had to take a couple of breaths. “But you didn’t even tell me that you were bothered by what the detective said. We could have talked about it.”

 

“I just thought you were having a hard enough time dealing with it yourself.” Vegard was speaking softly to him, and Bård knew that his brother hadn’t intended that as a slam, but it made him feel like the worst brother in the world. Bård looked to the doctor for help. Vegard had just confirmed that he didn’t think that Bård could help him.

 

“Vegard, sometimes, understandably, when people go through a crisis like this, family dynamics change. And that’s good, and absolutely necessary at first. But as people start to heal it can be difficult for everyone concerned to go back to a normal relationship.”

 

“What are you saying? You don’t want my help anymore?”

 

Vegard looked hurt and that was definitely not what he wanted. “No. I just… I don’t know.” Bård looked at the doctor for help.

 

“I didn’t know either of you before the attack, but I get the impression that you were a pretty good team. Correct me if I’m wrong, Vegard, but I don’t think you had to take the lead on everything.”

 

“No. That’s right. We were a team.” He quickly added, “We are a team.”

 

“I think Bård would like to not lean on you so much. I’m guessing it’s pretty difficult for either of you to change that. It’s not like flipping a switch.”

 

“Are you saying I’m hovering too much?” Vegard looked confused.

 

“No! You’re not doing anything wrong.” Bård was finding it hard to say the right words when he didn’t understand it himself.  “I just don’t feel like you need me at all.”

 

Vegard thought about that a bit and then he started to smile. “I need you. For starters, you could clean the bathroom once in a while.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Dr. Thorsen tried to guide them to some sort of understanding about each other’s needs. Much to Bård’s irritation, they never went back to the subject of the stalled investigation. At the end of the session Dr. Thorsen said, “I think you’ve done some good work. We’ll see you next week.”

 

They put their jackets on in silence. There was a bit of tension between them as they walked to the car. “I wasn’t saying that you’d done anything wrong, Vegard.”

 

Vegard had nodded, but his silence made Bård a little nervous.

 

Now they were back in the car. Vegard hadn’t started the motor yet. After a minute Vegard said, “I’m not totally sure how to get back to normal. I feel like all my big brother instincts are on hyper drive.”

 

“I know I don’t help things at all. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset after I talked to the detective.”

 

Vegard laughed softly. “Bård. That was upsetting news. You don’t have to pretend to not be upset.”

 

“I’m not even sure exactly what it is that I want. I just don’t want to feel like I’m useless.”

 

“Well, you’re not useless. I will try to include you on more Concorde stuff, ok?" Bård saw a smile beginning in Vegard's eyes. "And, you really _could_ clean the bathroom once in a while.”

 

Bård smiled. “I don’t think Dr. Thorsen appreciated your joke.”

 

“Who says I was joking?” Vegard laughed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really intended to have this ready earlier but I was a little stuck and then it took me a while to get it right. (Or at least sort of right) 
> 
> Also, if I ever start to write a second story before I've finished the first one again, please, someone, cyber slap me. :)
> 
> Thanks so much for the support and for continuing to read this. I always enjoy your comments.


	18. Chapter 18

“Bård?”

 

Bård had been staring off at the microwave for quite a while. At first, Vegard hadn't said anything. Everyone should be able to have their private thoughts. And then, as it dragged on, he had been hesitant to interrupt. If Bård was trying to work something through, Vegard didn’t want to get in the way. But after a while it just felt creepy. His brother appeared to have become catatonic. He needed to hear him say something, anything.  “Bård?” He waited a couple more seconds, his own anxiety building. "Bård!"

 

“Hmm?” Coming back to the present, Bård broke his staredown with the microwave and looked down at his plate. Most of his breakfast was looking back at him, uneaten.

 

“You ok?”

 

“Uh huh… yeah.”

 

It was difficult to judge, Bård would not look at him. “Very convincing. What were you thinking about?”

 

Finally, his eyes met Vegard's. “I was just wondering… what was it that you thought I didn’t know?”

 

“There’s probably a lot of stuff you don’t know, Bård.” Even as he said it, he felt a little guilty.  He knew exactly what his brother was asking.

 

“Yesterday, on the way to the shrink’s office, you said you didn’t think I knew how you felt… or how bothered you were by… by the phone call.

 

Embarrassed, he began to blush. He knew what Bård was asking, so he shouldn’t have tried to hide behind a blank stare. But he hadn’t thought that asking Bård about his far-off gaze would lead to him having to talk about his own feelings.

 

“I guess you were right. I probably don’t know.” Bård looked back at his plate.

 

“I don’t even know what I meant. I’m fine. I mean I don’t like that they haven’t found him, but I’m fine.” It was a lie. He wasn’t fine, and knew it. He glanced down at the newspaper he was holding in his hands, hoping that his answer had sufficed. When he glanced back up he saw Bård walking  away from the table looking extremely hurt.

 

All he had wanted to do was protect his little brother, to spare him from anything painful. Hadn’t he been through enough? Wasn’t he still going through a lot? He didn’t need to be burdened with Vegard’s fears as well. What he hadn’t appreciated, until that moment, was how much he was hurting Bård by shutting him out.

 

Bård was rinsing his plate at the kitchen sink. He’d just dumped most of the food he’d been pretending to eat into the garbage. Before Vegard could say something, Bård slipped past him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He had just slipped past Vegard. He didn’t want to be with him right now. Once again, his brother had pushed him away. He couldn’t really blame him for not sharing his concerns. Why would Vegard think that he could help? He was a total mess. This last week he had even felt himself backsliding a bit. But Bård could see that Vegard was having a hard time too. He looked tired all the time and he used any excuse he could to avoid talking.

 

Bård walked out of the kitchen and wished he could just disappear. If only there was some place he could go where he didn’t feel so worthless, or maybe where he didn’t have to feel at all. He slipped into the bathroom thinking that Vegard might leave him alone in there. But once he’d closed the door he realized he’d been trying to get away from the wrong brother. There was no where he could go to get away from himself.

 

That realization, that there really was no escape, seemed to trigger symptoms that he’d come to recognize as the onset of a panic attack. The first was a dizziness which, although it was impossible to explain why, felt unique to these sort of attacks. That was quickly followed by a tingly sensation in his hands and feet, which wasn’t so much uncomfortable as it was frightening because then he knew for sure what was happening.  His heart began beating uncomfortably fast in a way that, every time it happened, always seemed to make him feel more and more out of control. He sat down on the cool tile floor and leaned against the tub, trying to concentrate on his breathing. He counted to six on each breath in and again on each exhale. _One… two… three… four… five … six…_ The repetition of the numbers seemed to push out the fearful, darker thoughts that sometimes crept in when this happened.  

 

After a minute his heart calmed down a bit and the tingling sensation started to fade away. All that was left was the dizziness, but that was always the last to go away. He tried to recall how much better he'd been feeling a few days ago, before the phone call, thinking that if he could remember the feeling he might be able to find his way back to it. He was supposed to be getting better, and if he was feeling impatient with his progress, he hated to think what Vegard was feeling. Although his eyes were a little watery, he wasn't crying. It seemed that he should be happy that at least he wasn't in tears, but he almost wished he was. The alternative was to have these feelings building up pressure with no hope of release.

 

Vegard knocked at the door.  "Are you ok?"

 

"Yes." He had answered reflexively, but it made him wonder if maybe it was true. For all he knew, this was as good as it would get. He wasn't crying. He wasn't having a flashback. He hadn’t totally panicked and run out of the house. Maybe it wasn't a lie. Maybe this was just him, his post-attack self, doing as well as he ever would.

 

“Could we talk?”

 

“Sure. Come in, it's not locked.”

 

Vegard poked his head in. There was so much love in those eyes. That was the first thing that struck him when Vegard entered. As difficult as it was for him to believe, Vegard still looked at him exactly as he had before “it happened”. Vegard was nothing if not constant. His brother came in and sat down next to him.

 

Bård thought he should say something… _I'm sorry we're sitting on the floor again...  I'm sorry I’m such a mess... I’m sorry you’re stuck with me…_ but Vegard spoke first.

 

“I’ve had a hard time telling you what I'm feeling. But that’s not your fault.”

 

“Why is it hard for you to tell me?”

 

“I feel like I need to protect you.”

 

Bård wasn’t sure how to respond.

 

“I guess that’s what Dr. Thorsen was talking about… when he talked about how our family dynamic had changed.”

 

“I’m not going to fall apart if you lean on me a little bit.”  

 

Vegard seemed to have to look away. Bård could tell that he was struggling to let his guard down. “It scares me.”

 

Now that Vegard had opened up, he wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t want to screw it up. “Because they might not catch him?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Yeah, me too.” Bård could see that his brother was holding his breath, just waiting to see if this admission would cause him to freak out. “It’s weird, but I feel better knowing it worries you too. Like I’m not crazy for feeling that way.”

 

Vegard looked him in the eye. “No. You’re not crazy for feeling that way.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Yeah, me too.”

 

It seemed strange, but even though they were talking about that guy being out there, Bård’s voice sounded normal. Really normal, as if he were much more relaxed than he had been for a while. Vegard had to wonder if all of his attempts to protect his brother, all of his trying to avoid subjects and keeping Bård in the dark, was more stressful for him than just being honest.

 

“It’s weird, but I feel better knowing it worries you too. Like I’m not crazy for feeling that way.”

 

“No. You’re not crazy for feeling that way.” He looked Bård in the eye and saw something he hadn’t seen for a while. It was a glimmer of the brother he knew. The one who would tease him in one moment and then be his biggest fan the next. The brother who would never let him fall on his face - literally or metaphorically - he trusted that brother completely. He understood why things had changed, but any sign of his brother coming back, gave him hope.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Vegard was used to waking up early, now that he and his brother had swapped sleeping arrangements. He assumed it was because he was sleeping so much more soundly on Bård’s bed. Even so, when he woke up this morning, he felt like it was much too early. The sun was barely streaming in through the blinds in Bård's bedroom._

_As he quietly laid in bed, hoping that he could fall back to sleep for a little while longer, a thumping sound caught his attention. Bum bum bum. He listened intently, and just when he was convinced that he'd imagined it, he heard it again. Bum bum bum. It didn't take too long before he heard it again. Bum bum bum. It wasn’t very loud and yet, somehow he realized that it was the reason that he was awake so early._

_The longer he lay there awake, the more aware he became of how windy it was this morning. The thumping continued at irregular intervals and it finally dawned on him that it was probably the door between the sunroom and the deck. It often didn’t latch very well and, when it hadn’t been closed properly, it tended to blow open easily in the wind._

_Vegard realized that he was never going to get back to sleep if he didn't take care of that noise, so with a sigh he got out of bed and  walked as quietly as possible from the bedroom to the kitchen, trying not to wake his brother who was sleeping on the couch.  As he walked across the chilly kitchen floor he noticed that the door between the kitchen and the sunroom was ajar. He wondered which one of them had left it unlocked, as that door was supposed to be locked for security._

_As much as he hated to think that they'd left the door unlocked all night, he really hoped he would not find his brother in the sunroom again, shivering by himself on the couch. There was very little light, but as he stepped into the cold sunroom he could see well enough to know that Bård was not there. The door was still thumping in the wind, only now it sounded much louder. BUM Bum Bum .... BUM Bum Bum.  He grabbed the handle, pulled it shut and locked it - more to keep it from thumping than for security. As he let go, he felt something wet and sticky on his hand. Confused, he reached for the floor lamp that was just to his left and turned it on. The bright red substance on his hand was easily identifiable and yet he couldn’t allow himself to believe it.  “Bard? Bård!? BÅRD!?” He ran back through the kitchen into the livingroom and over to the couch. Bård wasn't there. Bård wasn’t on the couch, he didn’t seem to be in the living room at all. Vegard called his name over and over, but there was no reply._

_Fighting the fear that was overwhelming him, he forced himself to turn on the table lamp to look for clues. He wasn’t prepared for what he saw, but there was no way he ever would have been prepared for that sight. The couch was covered in blood. His mind filled in the image of his brother, bloody and lifeless lying on the couch._

_He fell to his knees and hugged himself. Someone started screaming. It was a terrible, hollow wail that seemed like it would never end. It surprised him when he realized that he was the source of the screams. But what else was there to do?_

_Somewhere, far away, he heard a voice. Someone coming to help, perhaps… but too late._

_He gave in to despair and curled up into a ball on the floor. He wrapped his hands over his head in an effort to keep out the world. It hurt to think. It hurt to breathe. It was all too painful._

 

                 When he felt the hand on his arm, he immediately went into self defense mode. He pulled away, rolled over and

                 somehow found himself on his feet. He lunged at the man and they began to struggle. His assailant shouted out

                 and he was pleased to find that, this time, the man sounded afraid of him.  

 

                 They fell to the floor with Vegard on the attack. His assailant cried out again, desperately.

 

                 They continued to struggle. Everything was a blur. Vegard managed to hit his opponent. The man beneath

                 him was pleading.

 

“Stop… please stop.”

 

                 The assailant, the one who had been such a strong fighter a few weeks ago, was just grabbing at his arms. It was

                 almost as if he had forgotten how to fight. There was no reason Vegard should be better at fighting now, but it

                 seemed as if he was. Vegard landed another blow on target.

 

“Stop… Vegard… stop!”

 

He knew that voice. He blinked his eyes and suddenly he was in Bård’s bedroom and he was on top of Bård. There was blood coming out of his brothers nose. Bård looked terrorized.

 

“Stop… please…” Bård’s voice broke. He was crying.

 

“Bård?” Vegard let go of Bård and practically threw himself off of his brother. “Bård… are you ok?”

 

Bård rolled away from him and managed to get to his feet. He stumbled out of the bedroom without saying anything.

 

He'd been hitting his brother. Vegard sat on the floor a little stunned, trying to take in that information. He had hit Bård. He had been beating on him. His little brother, who was already so afraid of people that he didn't even want to leave the house in the middle of the day. That was how severely that monster had terrorized him. Tears were falling down Vegard’s cheeks and it made him a little angry. He shouldn't be crying. He shouldn't be getting anyone's sympathy, much less his own. He needed to find his brother.  

 

“Bård?”

 

He hoped that Bård hadn't run out of the house. But then why shouldn't he have?  He was the last person that Bård trusted completely and he had broken that trust. Bård probably trusted their parents too, but he hadn't been relying I'm them much since the attack. Mostly Bård had been trying to convince them that he was fine. Even so, after this, maybe his brother would be better off in Bergen, staying with their parents. At least he'd be safe there.

 

"Bård? Please answer me. I'm sorry!"

 

“I’m in here.”

 

Vegard peered into the kitchen and saw his brother. Thankfully the bleeding from his nose had stopped. Bård was sitting at the kitchen table with a washcloth up to his mouth.  “Are you alright?”

 

Bård nodded.

 

His brother’s facial expressions had long ago been categorized and catalogued in his memory. Bård was trying to look “fine”, but he couldn’t hide that he was hurt and confused. Vegard wasn’t sure whether he should approach him or not, but ultimately he just needed to. When he was close enough, he reached out a hand to gently pull the washcloth away from Bård’s mouth. “Let me see.”

 

Knowing that he had given Bård this fat lip sickened him. Seeing fear in his brother’s eyes when he reached out to touch him was almost more than he could take.  “I’ll get some ice for you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

A stab of fear shot through his stomach as Vegard reached out to touch his hand. Logically he knew that his brother wasn’t going to hurt him. His brother would never knowingly hurt him. He understood that Vegard had been dreaming. He felt almost guilty that he had reacted fearfully to what was obviously not really his brother’s fault. But he had been unable to control his reaction, the emotions were so strong.

 

“Let me see.”

 

He slowly put his hand down and hoped that Vegard couldn’t see that he was afraid.

 

“I’ll get some ice for you.”

 

He felt stupid for not reciprocating his brother’s concern before now. Vegard had been there for him day after day and yet Bård had barely thought about what it was that Vegard was going through. He knew Vegard had witnessed the attack, he’d even fought off the attacker, Bård just assumed that he wasn’t affected by it. He’d always thought his brother was above that sort of emotional response. The thought that Vegard was having nightmares and had just had a dissociative episode was upsetting. He needed to step up and be strong… for once.

 

Vegard came back with the ice for his lip. “Why didn’t you hit me?”

 

“I didn’t want to hit you.” The cold of the ice was a bit of a shock when it touched his lip causing him to flinch. Vegard hastily pulled the ice away, obviously upset at having caused more discomfort. He reached out and grabbed Vegard’s hand, and then guided it and the ice back up to his lip. His brother’s presence was comforting. He wished that Vegard felt the same way, but he seemed to feel awkward, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

 

Before long, the ice had numbed his lip enough so that it felt comfortable. They sat quietly together and Bård allowed his brother to continue holding the ice onto his lip, even though they both knew that he could hold it himself. Eventually a frustrated look crossed Vegard’s face and he picked up the conversation of a few minutes earlier. “You should have… I might have woken up.”

 

“Or you might have hit me harder.” Unintentionally, that comment got his brother to glance up and meet his gaze. Vegard quickly turned his gaze back to the bruised lip, as if the swelling might go down at any second and he needed to remove the ice as soon as it did.

 

Bård thought back over the past few weeks, everything that had happened since they’d gotten home from the hospital, looking for other signs that he might have missed or ignored. He remembered the first couple of days quite well, but each following day seemed foggier and foggier until they just seemed to disappear. The sleeping pills had lifted the fog, for a while, and parts of those more recent days were accessible, but he wasn’t able to recall anything about Vegard. Nothing that should have been a red flag, that is.

 

“Next time, you shouldn’t wake me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

He sighed. That was stupid. Of course he would wake him. “Let’s compromise. Next time, I’ll just poke you with a long stick.”

 

There was only a slight pause before Vegard snickered. Bård often made jokes just to hear his brother laugh, but this time felt especially sweet. This time, when their eyes met, it felt like they were back to normal. Well, maybe not “normal” but at least back to where Vegard wasn’t worried about whether his brother was afraid of him or not. They were solid, their relationship was strong enough to weather even this.

 

“Or I could throw a bucket of cold water on you. That would wake you right up.”

 

Vegard took the ice off of his brother’s lip and huffed out a small laugh. “Fine. I don’t care. It’s your bedroom.”

 

Bård giggled out his answer. “Oh, yeah.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was Monday again, which meant another trip to their shrink. He didn’t dread it as much as he had at first, but he still felt a lump in his stomach every Monday when he woke up. He had been thinking about this appointment a lot. Vegard’s dream and everything that followed early Saturday morning were troubling to him. Unfortunately, once it was clear that he hadn’t been seriously injured, Vegard had refused to talk about the incident. That hadn’t surprised him, Vegard had never been comfortable talking about his feelings. But this was something that, if it had been the other way around, Vegard would never have let him sweep under the rug.

 

Bård hadn’t slept very well last night. He kept thinking about what he was going to say. And that Vegard was going to be mad. But he’d get over it, right? And he’d get help. Bård tried to focus on that part.

 

“Are you coming?”

 

Vegard always prodded him along on Monday mornings. He supposed that he did kind of drag his feet when it came to seeing the shrink. But they weren’t late, yet. “Cool your jets. I’m just putting my shoes on.”

 

“I’ll warm up the car. Let’s get there on time, this time.”

 

He was at the closet getting his coat. He could see his brother standing by the door. “I’ll be right out.” Vegard smiled and went ahead, out to the car.

  
 _Yes. It’s better that I haven’t warned him. He’ll get the help he needs. I have to focus on that part._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the slow update. There might be another chapter soon, though. :)
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments. I love to hear from you!


	19. Chapter 19

When they got to Dr. Thorsen’s office, there was no one at the front desk. Bård knew it was unlikely, but he wondered if the receptionist had gotten fired. Maybe she’d posted something about them on Twitter, or maybe she had sold a story about them to a magazine. He glanced at Vegard to see if he was having the same concerns, but somehow his brother had found a copy of **_360_** , a free magazine from the Oslo airport, and was reading an article on the expansion of Gardermoen. Bård felt somewhat irritated that Vegard wasn’t worried about the receptionist’s disappearance, but he also felt a certain pleasure in seeing his brother enjoy something so typically Vegard.

Feeling his brother's stare, Vegard looked up from his magazine questioningly. After smiling back, Bård turned away, hoping that his brother would go back to reading the article. It was against his own interests to encourage such reading, since he would probably receive a detailed account of the article on the way home, but somehow he didn’t care.

“Bård. Vegard. Why don’t you come in?” Dr. Thorsen was standing at his door with a welcoming smile.

“Where is your receptionist?” Bård couldn’t help asking.

“Trine? Oh, she called in sick today.”

“Oh…” His first reaction was: _I wonder why she is sick today?_ , but then he decided that he really was being paranoid and he pushed it into the “things to worry about later” corner of his mind.

“So. Do you have any issues that you want to talk about today. Otherwise, I was going to ask you…”

Bård interrupted. “I think Vegard has some things he needs to talk to you about.”

Vegard gave him a quick and very irritated look and then tried to redirect the attention back to his brother. “Bård, I think we’re primarily here for you.”

“Well, I think you’re wrong. We’re here for both of us and you had that…”

Vegard spoke over him. “I don’t want to talk about that.” He was talking about as loud as one could without it being classified as shouting. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to bring that up?”

“Why wouldn’t I bring that up? You hit me.”

He could almost see his words hit his brother like a slap to the face. In fact, a slap to the face probably would have been more welcome. He knew Vegard felt terrible about having hit him and it honestly wasn’t the main reason he was bringing it up. Mostly he was worried about his brother and wanted to make sure that he got some help. He knew that Vegard would never seek that out on his own.

“Maybe we should talk about this Vegard.” Dr. Thorsen’s voice was smooth and gentle, but there was no doubt from his tone that they were going to discuss it before the end of the session.

“I didn’t mean to hit him.”

“I know.” Bård interjected very quietly. Vegard’s discomfort was making him feel uncomfortable as well. He was beginning to wish he hadn’t said anything.

“I wouldn’t ever…” He turned to look at his brother. “I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt you, Bård.”

“I know. It just worries me. You should tell him about the dream and the…”

“Isn’t that up to me?” Suddenly he seemed quite angry. “That’s not why we’re here!”

It was unlike his brother to snap at him like that. Prior to the attack, that just never happened. And in the last few weeks since the attack, Vegard had treated him especially carefully, as if he might crumble at the slightest noise. At times he had wanted his brother to be less careful around him, he had thought that he could handle it. But, if this was any indication, he was not ready for that yet. “I’m sorry.”

"That's alright, Bård, I'll handle this."

Obviously, Dr. Thorsen could question his brother without his help. He knew he should just let him, but he hated feeling like he'd just ratted out his brother.

“You’ve been having nightmares, Vegard?”

Bård watched Vegard consider the question. He seemed to be weighing if he should answer or just stand up and leave. Finally, he answered “yes” and then sat stiffly as if he had been captured behind enemy lines and any additional information would have to be dragged out of him.

“Bård, why don’t you wait outside for a bit? I’ll come and get you in a while.”

After glancing at Vegard (who still looked angry and refused to acknowledge him) he left them alone and returned to the vacant waiting room. It was impossible to hear anything of their conversation. He sat down and tried to relax. This was what he had wanted, Vegard needed to get help. After all the time his brother had spent helping him, it was the least he could do. But he hadn’t thought that Vegard would get so angry and being sent out of the room like that made him feel anxious. 

* * *

 

Vegard couldn’t believe that the doctor was focused on him. Not when Bård was still having such a hard time dealing with everything.

“Vegard I think we’d better talk about your dreams.”

“You’re letting him control the agenda. You do realize that, don’t you?” He raised an eyebrow accusingly at the doctor.

Dr. Thorsen smiled slightly tipping his head. “Isn’t that what you’re trying to do now?”

Had the doctor not seen how stressed out Bård looked? “He’s the one who was attacked.”

“It sounds like you’ve been attacking him, too.”

“That was a mistake. I didn’t know it was him. I had just woken up.”

“It was too dark in your room?”

He didn’t know how to explain what had happened. It didn’t really make sense to him. “I don’t know. I thought he was that guy.”

Dr. Thorsen nodded. “Was your dream about the attacker?”

“No. Yes. Well, sort of. In my dream…” Dr. Thorsen was good. Vegard had to give him that. He decided to give in and talk about the dream. He did his best to describe how the dream had melded into reality, well more of a semi - reality, which made him think that he was fighting with the attacker until something snapped him out of it and he found himself sitting on top of his brother.

“The attack is still very fresh for you as well, isn’t it?”

A familiar sense of panic was teasing him. It felt very near and yet he was able to push it away. “Maybe we should talk about how my hitting Bård is going to affect him.”

“Vegard. I know you’re worried about your brother and honestly it’s kind of nice to see. It’s not what I usually see here. But, you both have to deal with your issues for either one of you to get better. Right now you live together and eventually you’ll get back to working together, whatever you’re going through affects him directly. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for him.”

"But I hit him." Vegard really couldn't make himself look at the doctor. He wanted to believe that he hadn't caused any additional psychological damage, but that was difficult to swallow. He had seen Bård's fear filled eyes when he had come to his senses.

"Well, of course that wasn't good and, yes, that must have been upsetting for him. However, he still seems to trust you. I wouldn't worry about that one incident too much, unless it becomes a pattern. The thing that I don't think you appreciate is that, whether you like it or not, he worries about you too. If you're not doing well, he's not going to focus on what he needs to do to get better."

* * *

 The room was a cool blue-gray which he assumed was supposed to be calming. He attempted to distract himself by focusing on the artwork, which all seemed to be by the same impressionist artist. When he felt the first twinges of dizziness he tried to ignore them, with the hopes that he could will them away. But then he quickly became aware of an increasingly tingly sensation in his arms and legs. He began to focus on his breathing but, even as he was slowly counting, he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to stop it this time. His heart was beginning to race and he felt like he couldn’t get enough air. He’d only had three other full blown panic attacks since “it happened”. The difference between those and the lesser attacks was that during the lesser ones he always remained aware that he was having an attack and knew that if he just held on it would be over, if not soon, at least eventually. The full blown attacks washed over him like a relentless series of waves until he had no awareness of any other existence than what he was experiencing. The accompanying feeling of impending doom was overwhelming and all consuming. When he was in the middle of one, he was sure that he was was going to die.

As he started to come out of it, he noticed that someone was talking to him.

“... I’m here now. We’re in the doctor’s office. You’re safe here. Bård, can you answer me?”

He opened his eyes and saw Vegard looking worried and trying to comfort him.

“Bård. I’m here with you. Do you hear me?”

“I had a panic attack.” After he’d said it, he realized that it was pretty self-evident.

Vegard nodded. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“I don’t know why this happens… I couldn’t stop it this time.” He felt so stupid. "I tried..."

“I think I upset you.”

“No, it’s not your fault.” His cheeks felt wet and he realized he must have been crying. He quickly brushed the tears off of his face even though he knew it was too late to fool anyone.

Vegard was frowning. He was always so quick to blame himself.

"It's not your fault."

"Stress is a trigger."

It wasn't his brother's fault. He wouldn't believe that.

“Here, Bård.” Dr. Thorsen handed him a glass of water. He hadn’t realized, until he tried to hold the glass, that he was shaking. As he brought the glass to his mouth he felt his brother’s hand on his own, trying to minimize the trembling.

After a few minutes, Bård felt well enough to continue the session. They all went back into Dr. Thorsen’s office.

“Bård, Vegard tells me that you woke him up from his nightmare.” Dr. Thorsen was writing something on his notepad.

He wasn’t sure where this was going, but he had a sense that he was about to be scolded for something. “Uh… yes.”

“What was that like?”

What was he supposed to say to that? It felt like some sort of verbal Rorschach Test, and he wondered what the right answer was.

“Uh… you mean before I knew that he was dreaming? It was a little scary. I wasn’t sure why he was shouting at first.”

“He must have been shouting for a while before you got to him.”

Whenever he had seen those tests being given on TV or in a movie, the doctor always said that there were no right or wrong answers. But it seemed like that couldn’t be true. If someone saw kittens playing with a ball of yarn in one of those ink blots and someone else saw a zombie apocalypse he was pretty sure he knew which one would get locked away first.

“I’m not sure what you’re saying.”

But maybe he was overthinking this.

“It would have taken a few shouts to wake you up, I should think.” Dr. Thorsen’s expression was neutral, but it was clearly an accusation.

Alright. He was definitely not overthinking this. The sleeping pills. The pills that he was supposed to be taking. He’d stopped. He had been getting used to them and to how groggy he felt in the morning. But then the call happened. That stupid phone call from the detective. Bård had spent countless hours thinking about it since then.

“Yeah...I suppose.”

Sometimes, of course, he thought about the implication that the guy might never be found. But other times he tried to remind himself that nothing had really changed. The guy had already been out there, somewhere. He wasn’t any less safe than he had been the day before he talked to the detective. It shouldn’t bother him so much.

“You must have been awfully groggy from the sleeping pill. I would have thought Vegard would have woken himself up before you would have gotten to him.”

He knew he needed sleep. Rationally he couldn’t argue that point. But what if? What if the guy came back? If he took that pill he probably wouldn’t wake up. He wouldn’t be able to help Vegard if that guy tried to hurt him.

Vegard was eyeing him now. It was obvious from his expression that he had caught the doctor’s drift.

It all came down to this: the sleeping pill was helpful, but it just wasn’t safe for him to be sleeping that soundly. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“You stopped taking the pills? When?” Vegard sounded incredulous.

Vegard had stopped giving him the pills himself, that was the part that Bård really felt bad about. He knew that Vegard had trusted him to take the pills and he hated to have broken that trust, but he just hadn’t thought that his brother would understand. Vegard would have wanted him to take the pills anyway, he was like that. He thought of everyone else’s health and safety before his own.

“After the detective called. That night. It’s too dangerous.”

Vegard looked away from him angrily and stood up, looking like he might just walk out. He was so red in the face that he looked a little like he might explode. Bård wanted to tell him that he should take a breath now, but he was afraid that Vegard would think he was making a joke out of it, which he really wasn’t.

“Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! We agreed about that. You agreed to take those pills!”

“Vegard, why don’t you sit back down and we’ll discuss it.” Dr. Thorsen had the same calm demeanor that he always had.

“What the fuck, Bård! I trusted you!” He was pacing around the room. As uncomfortable as it was, at least he hadn’t walked out.

“I know. It wasn’t… it wasn’t because I didn’t like how I felt on them.” He had put up with that, more for Vegard than for any other reason.

“I don’t care! We agreed. How could you?” He shook his head and let out a disgusted huff. “Unbelieveable!”

“Vegard, please sit back down. I think we can resolve this.” Dr. Thorsen had a way of making you feel like his requests were not optional. Vegard took his seat and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry. I guess we should have talked about it.” Bård hated seeing that he’d upset his brother. He had decided yesterday that this session would be to help Vegard and now it seemed to be about him again.

“No. You should have just kept taking them.”

“That’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t think you’d even try to hear my side.”

“That’s a good point Bård. Let’s hear your side and then we can hear from you Vegard.” Dr. Thorsen was staring down Vegard, making it very clear that he was going to listen to his brother.

Vegard glanced over at Bård and rolled his eyes.

“Vegard, that guy could be anywhere. He could have been in your room on Saturday morning. That could have been him and I would have been in a medically induced coma if I’d taken that pill.” Vegard rolled his eyes at the “medically induced coma” remark. Bård was pretty sure his brother was thinking “la la la la la” over every word he was saying. “I don’t think you’re listening. That guy… he’s a monster. He… he…” Thinking about it was making Bård was too upset to put his thoughts into sentences.

“Vegard, why don’t you take a turn. Bård, you can speak again when he’s done.”

“I am fully aware of what a monster that guy is. And I got a pretty good look at what he can do, if you remember. You almost died and you went for weeks barely sleeping or eating. You were wasting away. You promised me that you would take those sleeping pills and you’re going to take them. That’s all there is to it!” Vegard's voice had grown louder with each sentence so that by the end of his statement Bård wasn't sure if his brother was going to cry out of frustration or hit him. 

Dr. Thorsen was quiet for a while. Maybe he thought a little quiet would cool things down. “Bård, what would you like to say to your brother?”

All he wanted to do was leave. Why weren’t they done yet? He had known that Vegard wouldn’t listen to him. He was forever going to be the one who was overpowered, the weak one. Vegard wasn’t ever going to listen to him.

“Bård. This is a safe place to say what you’re thinking.”

“I… I don’t think he wants to listen.”

“Vegard, are you going to listen?”

“I’ll listen….. but come on. You don’t agree with him, do you Dr. Thorsen? That’s why you brought it up in the first place.” Then he turned to Bård. “I don’t know how you think you’re going to protect me when you’re sleep deprived and barely eating enough to survive.”

He couldn’t sit there any longer. It felt pointless. He got up and left, ignoring whatever his brother and Dr. Thorsen were calling out after him. He hated that he’d disappointed his brother. And he hated that he’d become such a disappointment that his opinion was no longer important.

When he got outside he reconsidered his hurried exit. He didn’t have the car keys and even if he’d had them, he wasn’t sure what he would have done with them. He hadn’t driven since the attack, it was one of many things that made him nervous now. And even if he were able to drive, he wouldn’t have driven off without Vegard, in Vegard’s car. That thought would have been funny, if it wasn’t just so very sad. He started to shiver which reminded him that, to top it off, he had forgotten his coat. _Brilliant! Just brilliant, Ylvisaker!_ He leaned against the building, hugging himself for warmth, the cold air clearing his head.

This had happened so many times before: trying to talk about emotions - feeling overwhelmed - bolting. It usually felt like a force of nature rather than a conscious decision to flee, but he needed it to stop. He needed to stop running away. Bård turned around and went back into the building.

He could hear their voices before he could see them.

“I need to go find him.”

“Just relax, Vegard. Sit back down, please.”

When he reentered the office, Vegard had his coat on and was edging toward the door.

“See. There he is now.” Dr. Thorsen spoke as if he’d known all along that Bård would come back on his own. It made Bård want to punch Dr. Thorsen in his know-it-all mouth.

He could see that Vegard looked a little panicky and felt a stab of guilt realizing that once again he was the source of his brother’s discomfort. He lowered his voice, trying to speak only to his brother, as best he could in such a small room. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t do that.” He bit his lip and tried to read Vegard’s face.

“Are you ok?” Vegard’s eyes showed none of the anger that had darkened them a few minutes ago.

He felt Vegard’s hand on his back. It was comforting and reassuring and he felt himself relax almost immediately at the familiar touch.

“I’m glad you came back Bård. We were just talking about possibly having separate sessions for the two of you.” Dr. Thorsen was at his desk, looking through his calendar.

He could tell at a glance that Vegard was none too thrilled about having his own session. That prospect didn’t really appeal to him either. There was a certain security in having his brother there. He had almost forgotten that Vegard had originally come with him just to help him through the first session. He wasn’t sure how he would feel about coming to a session alone, but that probably was the only way that Vegard would get the help he needed.

“Bård. Vegard. Why don’t you sit back down? Do you want to tell Vegard what you were thinking before you stepped out?”

He had to smile at the euphemism the doctor had used. He’d “stepped out”, as if he just had needed a smoke or to use the restroom. However, he was grateful that the doctor hadn’t said “before you ran away”, no matter how accurate that would have been. “I’m not sure what I was going to say.”

“Dr. Thorsen thought I was being a bit of a jerk.”

“I doubt that Vegard. No one thinks you’re a jerk, no matter what you do.” A slow smile crept across his lips.

Their eyes met and they both chuckled. That was something that they had joked about between themselves. If Bård did something rude on camera to Vegard, people tended to shake their heads and say, “Bård is such a brat.” If Vegard did the exact same thing to Bård, people tended to shake their heads and say, “Bård probably deserved that, he’s such a brat.” Bård usually laughed about it and blamed it on Vegard’s cherub-like curls, but occasionally it annoyed Vegard. He didn’t like people thinking that about his brother.

* * *

 They had walked to the car in silence. It seemed that visiting Dr. Thorsen’s office always left them with things to think about. If it hadn’t always felt so uncomfortable they might have been happy that they were getting their money’s worth out of the sessions. They were about half-way home when Vegard broke the silence. “I’m sorry I yelled at you about the pills.”

It seemed wrong in a way that Vegard should be apologising. Bård was the one who had basically lied about taking the pills. “It’s ok.”

“You didn’t even get mad at me after I hit you and I blew up at you over a pill.” Vegard glanced at him apologetically and then turned his eyes back to the road.

“It’s ok, Vegard. You couldn’t help what you did, but I …I should have told you.” As soon as he’d said that, he braced himself for Vegard to counter that he should have just kept taking the pills, but Vegard didn’t. “I know you don’t understand why I stopped taking them. Or… well, I guess you don’t agree.”

“No, I don’t. But I shouldn’t have gotten so angry.” They were still a couple kilometers from home but Vegard pulled the car into a parking spot on the street. “It wasn’t fair. You were right, I wasn’t listening.”

“So, you’re not going to make me take the sleeping pill?” Bård didn’t know why they had stopped. His stomach knotted up in the two seconds between the car being pulled over to the curb and the engine being turned off.

“No. Of course not. I’m not going to bully you into taking it. I am going to keep asking you about it though.”

“Oh,” Bård giggled nervously, “Nagging. So I’ve got that to look forward to?”

Vegard’s smile started out small, but it kept growing until it included his eyes. “Yes.”

“Why are we parked here? What are you doing?” Bård was familiar with this street. There were a number of small businesses along this stretch of road including a pharmacy, a small market, a cafe, a bookstore and a flower shop. Vegard had parked in front of a women’s clothing store, but Bård was pretty sure that was not Vegard’s destination.

“ _We_ are going out for lunch.”

The knot in his stomach started spinning. “Why?”

Vegard chuckled. “It is lunch time.”

“Can’t we go home?” _Please, please, please, please, please let’s go home._

“Dr. Thorsen thinks that I’ve been sheltering you too much. He says you need to get out more.”

“But I like you sheltering me. You shelter me just the right amount.” He tried to make a joke out of it, but he hoped that Vegard had heard it as the plea that it was.

“You like this cafe. It’s small and we can get the food up at the counter. I think we should try it.”

He did like this cafe. At least he used to like it before. But that seemed like such a long time ago. Bård looked at his brother. Vegard was being very well adjusted about everything at the moment. It almost made Bård wonder why he had thought Vegard needed the most help at their session today. He didn’t want to do this. He really didn’t want to do this, but he trusted his brother. “Uh… sure. I guess.”

They stepped into the small cafe and looked around. There were about ten small tables and only two of them were occupied. At one table was a young couple who clearly were not going to notice them or anything else other than each other. The other table had been claimed by a young man. He appeared to be a student as he was typing on a laptop and had multiple papers and books strewn over the top of the table for four. Bård recognized the girl behind the counter as someone who had served him there a number of times before. At first he felt comforted by seeing someone familiar, but then he wondered if she’d ask where he’d been. Although, it was probably more likely that she knew exactly why he hadn’t been in recently. What if she asked about the attack? Vegard must have recognized that he was feeling anxious because he started talking to him soothingly.

“It smells good in here, doesn’t it? Look, Bård, you can pick almost whatever table you’d like. Let’s see. What is it that you usually order? Soup and a sandwich right?”

“Uh huh.” He didn’t want to let Vegard down. He tried to smile, but even without seeing his reflection he knew it wasn’t very convincing.

For a split second he saw a look of doubt on Vegard’s face. Maybe his brother wasn’t as ok with this as he was trying to appear. But the moment passed and Vegard took control again. “Bård why don’t you pick out a table? I’ll order the food.”

That sounded safe. He could retreat into the corner with his back against the wall that faced the door. But now he was worried about Vegard. He wasn’t as unaffected as he had been portraying. “That’s ok. I’ll stay with you.”

The girl at the counter smiled at him and said, “Hi, Bård.” Now he remembered that they had chatted a few times… it wasn’t that long ago. “Hi… uh, Else. Right?” The girl smiled, obviously pleased that he had remembered. He was waiting for an awkward question or maybe a pitying look, but none came.

The food was ready quickly and soon they were seated. Bård took the seat he had spotted at the corner table. His back was safely against the wall that faced the door. He couldn’t help noticing that Vegard had taken the seat next to him, with his back against the other wall of the corner, rather than the one across from him. Bård wondered if that was something that Vegard did now too, but he couldn’t remember how his brother had reacted to being in public in the past few weeks. Another wave of guilt hit him at the realization that he hadn’t been paying attention to how Vegard had been doing at all.

He became aware that Vegard was watching him, so he started eating. That seemed to remind Vegard that he had food sitting in front of him as well. As they ate, the knot in his stomach relaxed and he started to enjoy the food and the fact that they were out of the house, doing something normal. Only it didn’t feel quite normal. Something was missing.

"You'll never believe what they're going to be doing at Gardermoen over the next two years....."

There it was. As Vegard continued talking, filling him in on all the details of the renovation plan at the airport, Bård smiled to himself. There was hope for them yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for continuing to read this and for your kudos and comments. 
> 
> I love to hear from you!


	20. Chapter 20

They had avoided talking about it all week. Bård hadn’t wanted to think about going to a session alone, much less discuss it, but he was beginning to sense that Vegard was anxious about his own session and he wanted to help him.

 

It was Sunday afternoon. Christmas Eve was ten days away. Vegard was sitting, reading the newspaper. It was some special section titled _The Robots of Tomorrow… are Here Today_.  He thought the article would just get him excited about some kind of robot-butler-chef only to dash his hopes when they hit him with the outrageous price tag at the end. Either that or it would be some sort of cautionary tale: "Look out! The robot servants will become the masters! Bwahahahah!" Either way, he wasn’t sure he cared to read about it.

 

Now seemed like a good time to broach the subject. Bård was nervous about meeting alone with Dr. Thorsen. In fact, it made him feel somewhat sick to his stomach. But now that he had been paying more attention to Vegard, he'd started to notice that there were times when his brother was barely holding it together. Bård couldn't help feeling like he was to blame. He had been leaning on Vegard for everything. So, yesterday he decided, he was going to be more well adjusted. It was about time. How long was he going to freak out about everything?

 

"Vegard... how are you feeling about your meeting with Dr. Thorsen?"

 

Vegard didn’t look up from the paper. "Fine. Are you nervous?"

 

All Bård could see was his brother's forehead, his eyebrows were scrunched tensely together over his nose. It bothered him that Vegard wouldn’t make eye contact. "No, I'm fine. Just fine. I thought maybe you would like to talk about it."

 

"Nope." Vegard turned the page and raised the paper a little higher so that now all Bård could see were some of his dark curls.

 

Bård sighed. To be honest he would have liked to talk about it. They’d been seeing Dr. Thorsen for a few weeks, but this felt different. Still, he was determined not to be so needy. If he was the only one of them that was nervous about meeting with Dr. Thorsen alone, he wasn’t going to start talking about it and make Vegard nervous.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning came sooner than he would have liked.  His appointment with Dr. Thorsen was today. Vegard was going tomorrow.  At least for now they were unable to book consecutive appointments.  

 

"Bård, are you ready? You know it takes 15 minutes to get there." Vegard was already standing by the door. He’d had his coat on for the last five minutes and couldn’t seem to wait to get going. He sounded a little annoyed, which annoyed Bård just a bit. It wasn’t Vegard’s session. He didn’t get to be so anal about being on time for this.

 

"Yeah. I'm coming." He took another deep breath. _Get it together. You can do this!_

 

“Bård! I’m not going to get a speeding ticket for you.”

 

He slipped on some shoes. _"I'm coming!"_

 

The radio was on in the car. Vegard had turned it up a little louder than Bård liked it, but it saved him from trying to think up something to say. He could see that Vegard was irritated with him for making them late. (Actually, he had only made _himself_ late, but he didn’t think Vegard would appreciate him pointing that out.) A year ago, it really wouldn’t have bothered him at all if Vegard was annoyed with him, but now it made him anxious.

 

When they got to the office, Vegard pulled up next to the entrance. After a couple seconds Bård realized that Vegard was waiting for him to get out.

 

"Aren't you coming in?" He hoped his face didn’t look as worried as he felt.

 

"No. This is just for you." Vegard looked straight ahead.

 

"I know. I just thought..."

 

"Dr. Thorsen suggested that you should do this on your own.” Vegard still wouldn’t make eye contact. Bård thought that was the least Vegard could do, but then he wondered if it was needy of him want that. “He asked me not to come in."

 

"Oh."  That might have been good information to have had ahead of time.  

 

"It'll be ok." Vegard finally glanced at him and gave him a reassuring smile.

 

He really wanted Vegard to come inside, or at least wait outside in the car. "Yes. I know." He heard the words come out of his mouth and to his ears it sounded sincere even though he knew it was nothing but a lie. When had he started to out and out lie to Vegard? He got out of the car quickly and shut the door. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it together. He was halfway into the building when he heard his name.

 

"Bård! I'll come back to pick you up, ok?"

 

He didn't trust his voice, so he gave his brother a cheerful wave and a smile and then continued inside.

 

Trine was back at her desk. His concerns about her discretion, and about her absence last week, immediately came to mind.

 

"Good morning, Trine." Bård tried his best to look sane, just in case.

 

Trine looked up from her desk. Her long, dark hair was pulled back neatly in a ponytail - except for the fringe above her eyes, parts of which seemed to want to go this way and that, in a most uncooperative way. "Good morning  Mr. Ylvisåker. How is everything today?"

 

He felt uncomfortable, unsure of what she meant by “everything”, but then he realized that she was only making small talk. He answered, after only the slightest of awkward pauses. "Fine. Just fine. How about you?"

 

"Oh...I'm ok.” It was obvious, from her sad tone, that she was not ok. She let out a very dramatic sigh and continued. “My boyfriend wants to take a break. What is that anyway? A "break"? Is that the new way to breakup with someone? What does it mean?"

 

Bård had expected an insincere “I’m fine too” (which would be the acceptable response, according to small talk protocol) and then to be asked to take a seat. This kind of threw him off. "I don't really know."

 

"Have you ever ‘taken a break’ from someone?"

 

He just wanted to sit down, but he was unable to ignore her sad, blue eyes. "Uh... no. Usually my girlfriends get tired of how much I work and breakup with me."

 

"What if he never wants to get back together?" She looked at him intently.

 

He thought that she must have girlfriends that she could discuss this with, or even Dr Thorsen, he would probably have some good advice. Still, she looked like she needed some kind of encouragement. "I don't know. My mom says everyone deserves someone who really wants to be with them. If he doesn't want to get back together, then he's not good enough for you."

 

Trine stared back at him for a few seconds and then a small smile came to her lips.  "That's actually really good advice. Thank you."

 

Bård nodded and smiled and then turned to take a seat. Before he had a chance to start obsessing about his appointment again, Trine told him he could go in.

 

"Hello, Bård. How are you today?"

 

"Ju-u-u-ust super!" He regretted the sarcasm as soon as it slipped out.

 

Dr. Thorsen kept looking at him. He seemed to want a more sincere response.

 

"I'm a little nervous."

 

Dr. Thorsen nodded. "Anything else?"

 

"I didn't know that Vegard wasn't going to be waiting here."

 

"How does that make you feel?"

 

"Anxious, I guess. I know it should be fine." He let out a shaky breath.

 

“It will be fine. Was there something you wanted to talk about today?”

 

“Could we talk about Vegard?”

 

“No, nice try though. Vegard and I will talk about Vegard.”

 

“I just don’t think he’ll tell you everything.”

 

“Bård. I have been doing this for a while. I won’t let him get us off track, just like I’m not going to let you do that.”

 

“Ok. But you’d better help him.”

 

A smile spread across Dr. Thorsen’s face. “Ok. I guess I have been warned.”

 

Bård responded with a half smile and a nod.

 

“Alright.” Dr. Thorsen looked at his note pad.  “Bård, I think we should talk about the attacker.”

 

“What about him?”

 

“Well I know it bothers you that he hasn’t been apprehended.”

 

He nodded. “Yes.” He glanced to his side. The chair that Vegard normally sat in was empty. Bård’s heart was pounding and he really wanted to get out of there. But he’d promised himself he wasn’t going to do that.

 

“Perhaps we can help your memory to recall some information.”

 

“I really didn’t get a good look at him.”

 

“What did you see?”

 

“He was behind me. By the time Vegard came in and got the guy off of me I was pretty out of it. I don’t think I saw him clearly, but I really don’t remember much about it.”

 

“Ok…”

 

“Pretty lame, huh?”

 

“No. You can’t help it if you never saw him. And, for that matter, if you can’t remember anything else, that’s ok too. “

 

“No it’s not.”

 

“Bård. You are really hard on yourself.”

 

He didn’t know what to say. He looked down at his hands. It was funny that he had thought Vegard would have a harder time with these solo sessions than he would.

 

“Why do you think that is?”

 

“What?”

 

“Why do you think you’re so hard on yourself about this attack?”

 

“I don’t know.” He could see that his foot was tapping nervously again.

 

Silence hung in the air for long enough that Bård glanced up from his hands. Dr. Thorsen was just looking at him and waiting. “I think you do. Could you share that with me?”

 

Bård moved nervously in his chair. He knew very well that Dr. Thorsen was the last person he could fool. Normally, that person had been Vegard, but since the attack he’d been able to misdirect and misinform his brother quite easily. It hadn’t really occurred to him before. He should have noticed that about his brother. It should have concerned him.

 

_Selfish. Why was he so selfish?_

 

“Bård? You know, whatever you tell me here is in confidence. I won’t share it with your brother without your permission.”

 

“You won’t?”

 

“Of course not. Do you blame yourself for the attack?”

 

He stared at his hands and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

 

He looked at Dr. Thorsen. He wondered what the psychiatrist thought of him. Did it even matter?

 

“What happened before the attack? You were rehearsing, right?”

 

“I... we were… we had an argument…” He couldn’t look at Dr. Thorsen, so he stared at his lap. “...well, a disagreement. I don’t know. I guess for us it was an argument. We don’t really argue that often. We're not very good at it."

 

“Ok. What did you argue about?

 

“Uhh.” It felt so personal. Why should he tell this guy? “It was about a song…. “ He glanced up to see what the doctor thought about this. “....a song for the show. I didn’t like it. I wanted to change it, but Vegard said there wasn’t time.”

 

“Mm hmm.”

 

He looked down again. “There wasn’t time… he was right. I just wanted to talk about it.”

 

“And he wouldn’t?”

 

“No. So, I left the stage. I was…” _so sad_ … He could feel it, the deep sadness that he felt that day, as if he were back there, in that moment.

 

“What were you feeling?”

 

“Angry, I guess.” It didn’t really matter why. The point was that he was so stupid. “And tired. I was really tired that day.”

 

“So where did you go?”

 

Dr. Thorsen knew exactly where he went. “I went to our dressing room. It was Saturday and there were no events scheduled for that evening, so the auditorium was like a ghost town. I mean, the backstage area and the lower level. I didn’t see anyone on my way to the dressing room. ” He studied Dr. Thorsen’s face… looking for some indication of what he was thinking. It was impossible. He made a mental note never to play poker with the man.

 

“Go on.”

 

“I think you know the rest.” Just thinking about nearing the dressing room made him want to run.

 

“No I don’t.” Dr. Thorsen stopped taking notes and looked at him over the top of his glasses.

 

“That was where I was attacked.”

 

“Humor me. Tell me what happened when you walked into your dressing room.”

 

“Umm… I went in.” He searched for the words… “Umm…” His voice wavered. “I went in and I saw the daybed.” Now he could smell the room. “I was really tired…” He glanced again at the empty chair beside him. As much as he hated talking to Vegard about this, he wished he was there. But then, obviously, he’d been leaning on Vegard too much. He shouldn’t do that.

 

He looked at Dr. Thorsen, hoping that he’d said enough. But, judging from his silent, expectant stare, he was supposed to continue.

 

“I… I don’t know what you want.”

 

“Just keep telling the story.”

 

Bård leaned his head on his hand, covering his eyes. He could see the room in great detail. “There were two old dressing tables. The old fashioned kind, with the giant bulbs framing the mirror. And there were a couple of large upholstered chairs. The fabric on the chairs was old and worn, but they were sturdy and heavy.”

 

They had moved one of the chairs a few weeks before the attack, when they’d had inspiration for a new sketch and wanted to work on it together. It took both of them to move it - that thing weighed a ton. It was definitely from another era, when furniture was built to last. Vegard had tried first, on his own. He gave it a pull and, when it didn’t move at all, he really put some muscle into his second attempt. That resulted in only a couple inches of progress. Vegard looked back at Bård with a comical expression that sent him into a giggling fit. He crossed the room to help his brother, laughing so hard that he couldn't walk straight. Even with both of them giving it their all, it took an absurd amount of effort to drag it across the room. When they finally pulled it next to it’s matching twin, they each fell into a chair and lost it, giggling uncontrollably for the next five minutes, and then off and on for the next half hour.

 

“Bård?”

 

“The daybed was against the back wall.” Just picturing it made his stomach churn. He could almost hear the attacker, taunting him, but he couldn’t remember the words. Maybe he didn’t want to.

 

He looked up at Dr. Thorsen and felt tears coming to his eyes. He was not going to cry. He was not! “All I wanted to do was take a nap.” He closed his eyes and brought his hand up over his mouth. It seemed odd that after so much time it was still upsetting to tell the story out loud. “Umm… I don’t know… it seems so stupid now. I never should have…” He remembered debating it with himself at the time. “I knew Vegard would be irritated if I took a nap… I don’t know… maybe that’s why I did it. But I was really tired.”

 

“You keep saying you were tired. Why were you so tired?”

 

“It was a really busy time, with our show and that new song going viral. We were travelling on the weekends and doing interviews on the phone during the week, when we should have been working on our TV show. So, we worked late at night to keep our show on track and in-between we were trying to get our stage show together. I’m sure Vegard was tired too. It was really unfair of me…”

 

“I don’t know. Taking a nap… it’s not such a terrible thing.”

 

“But I should have just talked to him.”

 

For a few moments Dr. Thorsen just watched him. Bård wasn't sure what good this was supposed to do.  He was really trying to keep it together. Last week had been so embarrassing… the panic attack and then bolting when Vegard got angry. He really hoped he would not have another panic attack today.

 

“Maybe that’s enough about the attack for today.”

 

He looked up at Dr. Thorsen and nodded. It was strange how he couldn’t remember a lot of the details about the attack, but the emotions were always there, really close to the surface. Sometimes he wondered if he’d gotten any better at all since the attack.

 

“I _would_ like to ask you about the sleeping pills. Have you been taking them?”

 

He bit his lower lip and took a deep breath. “No. Not yet.”

 

“But you’re considering it?”

 

“Yeah. Well… Vegard brings it up every day. It’s kind of hard to forget about it.”

 

“Does it annoy you when he brings it up?”

 

“Oh, no… he just says things like ‘Oh! Look what I found. Would you like some water with these?’ and yesterday he said, ‘I’ll take you to the amusement park if you take your sleeping pill.’” Bård chuckled about that one.

 

Dr. Thorsen looked confused. “He was bribing you? Like a little kid?”

 

“No. He said it like that, but he was being sarcastic. I hate amusement parks. It was just kind of a joke.” Dr. Thorsen continued to look puzzled. Bård really didn’t want to go into it. “I don’t know. We thought it was funny.”

 

“Ok.” Even though he obviously didn’t get the joke he laughed a little. “I’m glad to hear that there is some joking around going on. That’s healthy.”

 

_Wow. I must have been really healthy before all of this happened._

 

Before long the time was up. Bård sat down in the waiting room and tried to calm himself. He didn’t want Vegard to think he needed his help. And he didn’t want Vegard to think it was so bad that he wouldn’t want to do it.

 

Vegard was outside, in the car, waiting for him when he came out. “How are you doing?” He sounded like he was over his irritation from earlier.

 

“I’m fine.” Bård got in and buckled up. He didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to go home.

 

“Really?”

 

He could tell that Vegard was looking at him, checking up on him really, trying to make sure he was ok. He wanted to do whatever he could to convince Vegard that he was fine. Truth be told, making eye contact did not feel like a good idea at the moment. “Yeah, let’s go home.” His voice sounded strained and upbeat, in a forced way.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

 _Fuck. Fuck!_ He took a deep breath and put on a practiced smile. Not too fakey happy, not too let’s-just-get-this-over-with, and hopefully not at all I-hate-my-life-but-I’ll-smile. Literally years of performing had prepared him for this moment. “Nothing. It went well.”

 

“I shouldn’t have gotten so ticked off because you were late.”

 

“Yeah, you should be used to it by now.”

 

Vegard snorted. “Well, I am that." Satisfied that Bård wasn't too upset by his solo session, he pulled the car back out into traffic.  “Should we go to lunch?”

 

Bård looked at his hands. _Please no. Please, please no_. “Do _you_ want to?”

 

“Yeah. Well…. I want to be able to tell Dr. Thorsen that we went out more than once in the last week.”

 

Bård huffed out a laugh. Honestly, he would have gone along with whatever white lie Vegard might have wanted to tell the doctor. They didn’t actually have to go out to eat again. But he knew that Vegard wouldn’t be ok with that. Maybe if he worked at being “ok” a little more, Vegard wouldn’t feel so responsible to take care of him for Dr. Thorsen.

 

“Bård?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I just wasn’t sure if you were listening. Would you like to go to Lofoten?”

 

“Sure. I’m pretty sure I’m banned for life though. Maybe we could go somewhere that’s on the way home.” He hoped that sounded light and humorously self-deprecating. There was absolutely no way that he was going to Lofoten today or probably ever again. Ever!

 

“Oh, come on. I don’t think anyone even noticed.”

 

“I’m pretty sure our waiter noticed when I got up in the middle of the meal and ran off. If he didn’t notice me, then he probably noticed when you had to go running after me like a was a complete loony.”

 

“Bård. That’s not true. I don’t think you looked like a _complete_ loony.”

 

Bård was torn. It felt so good to hear Vegard tease him and sound so comfortable as he did. But why did he have to say  _that_? Did Vegard think he was crazy? Most of the time Bård thought that of himself, but as soon as he heard Vegard say it he realized that he was counting on Vegard to think he was doing well.

 

_You can’t be so needy. So selfish._

 

He chuckled at the joke. Glancing over at his brother, it appeared that he'd bought it.

 

“So, Lofoten?” Vegard was smiling. Looking at him expectantly.

 

 _Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!_ His heart was pounding. He felt trapped.  “Yeah, ok. Let’s try it.”

 

Vegard drove to Aker Brygge and quickly found a parking spot. It had been Bård’s last hope, as they drove to the restaurant, that maybe they wouldn’t find any parking nearby and Vegard would change his mind. It had happened before. Vegard could be infinitely patient with people, as long as they weren’t being total jerks, but he hated waiting in traffic and waiting for a table, and he hated driving around in circles looking for a parking spot.

 

But a spot opened up, as if it were meant to be.

 

As they walked the rest of the way to the restaurant, Bård stared at his feet - right, left, right, left - every step taking him closer to the restaurant where he had felt not only completely vulnerable, but also humiliated.

 

“I was thinking. We could ask for a table in a quiet corner. Unless you want to try sitting by the window today.”

 

Bård looked up. Vegard looked so relaxed and confident right now. Was it all a show or did he have good days and bad days? As weird as everything had gotten since the attack, he still felt like he could see the difference. Vegard was feeling well today. And that put a small but genuine smile on his face.

 

“What do you think?” Vegard smiled, so widely that his eyes seemed to twinkle.

 

“That would help. Thanks.” They walked a few more steps in silence. “Wait. Were you thinking I’d prefer to have my back against the wall, or did you just want us to sit in a dark corner in case I freaked out again?”

 

“It's sort of a win-win.”

 

Vegard started chuckling so he laughed along. It felt so good to hear Vegard having fun. But still, he felt like he'd been hit in the gut.

 

Apparently his poker face slipped and Vegard quickly picked up on it. “Hey. I’m kidding you know.”

 

He looked up from his feet and Vegard's warm eyes met his. He knew, without a doubt, that Vegard was on his side. “I know.” But he couldn't help wondering if there wasn't some truth to his words.

 

* * *

 

It really was a beautiful day for flying. The sky was picture postcard blue. There were only a few puffy white clouds, a light breeze coming from the northwest. He could relax and enjoy the feeling of flying. He never got tired of it.

 

However, they had barely taken off and Vegard was already tired of the way Jon was jabbering away in the co-pilot seat. It made him appreciate how Bård always shut up when he needed to concentrate. Although, now that they were up in the air, flying the plane didn't require his undivided attention. He probably would have been quizzing his little brother on something by now.

 

“Jon. I really need to pay attention to what I’m doing. Wouldn’t want to crash now would we?”

 

“Uh… no of course not.” The look on Jon’s face was pretty much what Vegard had been aiming for.

 

He had come up with the “crash strategy” a long time ago. One request for quiet which included the word “crash” was usually all it took. It always made for a more peaceful flight.

 

“Maybe you could go back and sit with your friends.”

 

Actually, now that he thought about it, Bård might have been the one who suggested the crash strategy. It did sound like him.

 

“Ok.” Jon bolted from the co-pilot seat almost as if Vegard had pushed an eject button.

 

Vegard hadn’t even been thinking about flying their plane to Bergen when Jon called him four days ago. Jon was a friend of his from Oslo, but he happened to be from a small town just north of Bergen. Jon had accompanied Vegard back and forth from Oslo to Bergen on a few occasions, always at Vegard’s invitation. But this time, Jon instigated the trip. Jon and his friends wanted to get home for some Christmas concert Sunday evening and the commercial flights were already booked. So, he had called Vegard just in case he happened to be going that day.

 

At first Vegard wasn’t so sure he wanted to do it. But then he thought about taking the plane up. He hadn’t done that for such a long time. It sounded like fun. And he was kind of annoyed that Bård didn’t want to go home for Christmas. The thought that absolutely everything in his life had to be different now, made him feel like screaming. So, he told Jon he would take him and his friends to Bergen.

 

Why hadn’t he done this sooner? He loved flying. It made him feel so energized. It cleared his head. This was way better than going to Dr. Thorsen. He really didn’t want to think about that man. His last appointment, which was his first time meeting alone with Dr. Thorsen, had been a disaster.

 

>  Vegard still didn’t think that he needed his own session, so he asked the doctor to tell him exactly what “issues” he was supposed to be working on. Dr. Thorsen’s response was, “What would you say your issues are?”’
> 
>  
> 
> That ridiculous response caused him to blow up. “Seriously? I’m not going to sit here and play guessing games, just tell me!” He’d kind of surprised himself by yelling at the doctor. It really wasn’t like him.
> 
>  
> 
> The doctor just sat and looked at him for what seemed like a minute. When he finally responded, he spoke quietly. “Vegard. Do you hear yourself? You’re angry.”

 

Well, so what? He was angry. Who wouldn’t be angry in the same situation. His brother had been attacked by a maniac. Bård had almost died in his arms. What did Dr. Thorsen expect?

 

> “This happened to you too, Vegard. That man hurt your brother. You are affected by that. Finding him in the dressing room bleeding, near death, I’m sure that is an image that will never leave your mind.”

 

Really? Did Dr. Thorsen think that was some kind of revelation?

 

> That man almost took your brother away. And it’s possible Bård will never go back to the way he was. That man stole that from you too.

 

He knew these things. He thought about these things every day. And, yes, the thought that Bård might never go back to the way he had been made him VERY angry.

 

> “Of course I’m angry!” He really couldn’t help it. He was yelling again.
> 
>  
> 
> “Why don’t you tell me about that.”
> 
>  
> 
> “What good will that do? Really… what will that possibly do for me? Or for him? I don’t want to sit around and talk about why I’m angry.”
> 
>  
> 
> “I understand, but you …”
> 
>  
> 
> “ _No you don’t!_ You _don’t_ understand. Do _you_ have a little brother who’s as _talented_ as Bård? I’m guessing you _don’t!_ This isn’t fair! He didn’t do _anything_ to deserve this!!”

 

Vegard took a deep breath. He really didn’t want to think about that session. He was flying. He should concentrate on that. He checked the gauges, everything was as it should be. They would get to Bergen in about half an hour.

 

> Dr. Thorsen sat quietly, just looking at Vegard. Finally, he spoke. “I can’t reverse what’s already happened. That’s not why you are here. Unfortunately, things happen in life - sometimes through our own mistakes, sometimes through no fault of our own - and all we can do is learn how to deal with what has happened and then try to move on. Sometimes life will _never_ be the same. It’s not fair and yet, in a way, it is. Just about everyone has to deal with _something_ unfortunate and life-changing at least once in their lives. As painful as it is, it seems to be a part of life.”
> 
>  
> 
> “Most people don’t get attacked and tortured by a crazy man.”
> 
>  
> 
> “No, that’s true, but people get injured in car accidents that weren’t their fault. They have their retirement savings embezzled by some con man. They get their hearts broken by the person they trusted most in the world. Unfortunately, there is no end to the variety of tragedies I see in my office.”

 

Everyone has problems? That was hard to swallow as a response. This was so violent. It was planned and intentionally cruel.

 

> “So, I should just accept that this has happened? I should just accept that my brother would really rather not leave the house? ‘Oh, well. Too bad. Everyone has problems.’”
> 
>  
> 
> “You need to work through it so that you don’t feel so angry about it. The anger is justified, but you can’t live in that state indefinitely, it will eat away at you.”

 

But anger seemed like a rational response to what had happened to Bård. How could anyone not be angry if that happened to someone they loved? He couldn’t remember ever feeling so much anger before, and now he had a difficult time imagining ever getting past it.

 

> The doctor decided to change the subject. As much as Vegard wanted to think he had won the argument - that it _was_ unfair and he _should_ be angry -  he knew he hadn’t. There were no winners in this.
> 
>  
> 
> Dr. Thorsen asked about their Christmas plans. It was only nine days away. Vegard knew it was coming up, but he hadn’t really thought much about it. He told Dr. Thorsen that he supposed they would go home, like they always did.
> 
>  
> 
> “Well, you need to talk to Bård about it. People often find holidays difficult to deal with after a traumatic event. Sometimes they want to do exactly what they’ve always done, but sometimes that is too painful. You need to talk to him and make sure you’re on the same page. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about it.”

 

That thought brought him back to the present. He was about ten minutes away from the airport. He’d be home soon.

 

He wished Bård had come with him.

 

* * *

 

_Three hours earlier…_

 

“Vegard, I got tickets for us. We can leave tomor…” Entering his bedroom which, now that he had totally taken over the couch, was sort of Vegard’s bedroom, he was taken aback. Vegard was standing next to the bed, zipping up a full suitcase.

 

“What… where are you going?”

 

“I’m going home for Christmas.”

 

“Now?”

 

“You said you didn’t want to go, so I thought I’d fly my plane.”

 

> When Vegard had gotten home from his appointment with Dr. Thorsen a few days ago, he had gone directly to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Bård had tried to get him to talk, which really seemed to piss him off, so then he had just left him alone for a while. When he finally came out of the bedroom he wouldn’t talk about his appointment, other than to say that Dr. Thorsen had said that they should discuss their plans for Christmas.

 

“I… I… I don’t know how I feel about flying in that…”

 

“You don’t have to. You said you didn’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to celebrate Christmas.”

 

> When the topic of Christmas came up, Bård felt panicked. He didn’t want to be stuck in a plane with a bunch of strangers. He didn’t want to sit in an airport for an hour or two with so many people walking around, bumping into him, crowding him.

 

“I didn’t say we shouldn’t have Christmas.”

 

“Whatever. I decided to go. You can stay here, like you wanted to.”

 

> And he hadn’t been sure about going home for Christmas. He loved his parents and his little brother, it just seemed like he was going to have to pretend everything was fine. Or, worse yet, he’d fall apart and cry or have a panic attack  He didn’t want to ruin Christmas for them and he didn’t want to ruin his memories of Christmas there, in that house. Maybe if he waited a year, it wouldn’t be so bad.

 

“Well, I didn’t know you were going to leave me alone.”

 

“Call Calle. I’m sure he would include you in his Christmas.”

 

> Vegard became angry when he suggested that they stay home. He didn’t ask Bård why he didn’t want to go, he just loudly proclaimed that Bård could do what he liked, he really didn’t care, and went back into the bedroom punctuating his words with another slam of the door. Around dinner time Vegard came out of the room. He looked more himself and spoke civilly, if a little stiffly, to Bård over dinner. Bård tried to bring up the subject again, thinking that they could come up with a compromise, but Vegard changed the subject every time. He thought that Vegard had decided to stay in Oslo but was still a little miffed and didn’t want to talk about it. So, eventually, Bård dropped it.

 

“Why can’t you just fly with me?” Bård’s stomach was doing flip flops. “I got these tickets to Bergen because you wanted to go.”

 

“Well, you shouldn’t have.”

 

After thinking about it for a few days, Bård had decided that he was being selfish. If Vegard wanted to go home for Christmas, he should support that. So, today he went online and got two tickets to Bergen. The only tickets left were in First Class. First Class tickets... for a flight tomorrow... the week of Christmas... equaled an outrageous price. But Vegard really wanted to go home and, if it would help Vegard, it was well worth it.

 

“Please…I don’t...”

 

Vegard cut him off. “I”ve already decided, I’m going to take the plane up.”

 

The thought of flying in that little plane terrified him. Bård hated that he had become so afraid of so many things that used to be no problem. But he was still a little nervous riding in a car, and hadn’t tried to drive yet. So flying in their plane seemed way outside of his limits at the moment.

 

“I thought you said that you didn’t like to fly this time of year. The weather was too unpredictable.”

 

“Have you looked outside?  It’ll be fine.”

 

Bård wasn’t sure who he was talking to. It didn’t seem like his brother.

 

“So, you’re leaving right now?”

 

“Yeah, in a couple of minutes.”

 

“Were you even going to tell me?”

 

“I thought you understood that I wanted to go to Bergen for Christmas.” 

 

Bård knew that he had not responded the way Vegard had wanted, and expected, when the subject of going home had come up, but he would never have thought that Vegard would just leave without him.

 

“Couldn’t you just fly with me, tomorrow?”

 

He was pretty sure he could fly home if Vegard was sitting next to him. The thought of it made him feel a little sick but he was going to try to ignore that.

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“Ok.” It was anything but ok. He didn’t think he could fly alone. He didn’t want to stay home alone.  “Well, can you wait a few minutes.” He had to take a big breath and force himself to say it. ”I’ll fly with you.”

 

“You can’t. I already told Jon Moen that I’d give him and a couple of his friends a ride.”

 

“What?”

 

“Look, just come tomorrow. I’ll see you there.”

 

Bård didn’t know what else to say. Vegard hadn’t even saved him a seat. Apparently he’d really meant it when he’d said that Bård could come or not, he didn’t care.

 

Almost an hour went by with Bård sitting on the couch unable to move. Maybe he should just stay home. No one would care.

 

His phone rang, making him jump. He really didn’t want to answer it, so he let it ring.  But then he thought about Vegard flying today and he felt anxious that something might have happened, so he pulled it out and answered it quickly.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey, bro. How’s it going?”

 

“Oh, hi Bjarte. Are you home now?” He hadn’t spoken directly to Bjarte more than once or twice since the attack. And when they had spoken both of them had been quite cautious not to mention anything related to that event.

 

“Yeah. When do you guys get here?”

 

“Vegard is on his way.” Had this really happened? He didn’t understand it, how was he supposed to explain it. “He didn’t want… the plane was full… I’m not sure…”

 

“He left without you?”

 

He could hear the disbelief in his brother’s voice. It felt awkward and embarrassing. “Yeah.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess I ticked him off.” He probably should have just left it at I don’t know, because he was still at a loss.

 

A few seconds of silence felt like minutes. Finally, Bjarte responded. “You _are_ coming home though, right?”

 

Bård let out a breath. Vegard didn’t want him there and he probably couldn’t fly alone. “I’m not sure.”

 

“You _have_ to come. I want to see you.”

 

Had Bjarte just said that? It was unusual for him to say anything like that. “I want to see you too.” Bård wondered if Bjarte just pitied him.

 

“Do you have a ticket yet?”

 

“Uh huh.” He was not going to cry.

 

“So, why wouldn’t you come?” Bjarte sounded almost angry about it.

 

How could he explain that to his little brother? He didn’t want to be someone who couldn’t deal with flying. He certainly didn't want to tell his little brother that he couldn't handle it. And, since he’d never spoken to Bjarte about the attack, he didn’t know where to start.

 

With a much gentler tone, Bjarte tried again. “What if I fly to Oslo? I could make a quick trip over there and we could fly back together.”

 

Bård exhaled a laugh. “You don’t have to do that.” He wasn’t sure whether to feel touched that his brother would do that or sad that he couldn’t handle it on his own. He quietly added, “Besides, maybe it would be better if I didn’t come.”

 

“No it wouldn’t! You have to be here on Christmas Eve or it won’t even _be_ Christmas.”

 

That brought a lump to his throat that made it difficult to respond. “Thanks.”

 

“So when does your flight leave?”

 

Bård was having a hard time remembering. He felt dangerously close to crying. “Uh… I’m not sure. Tomorrow. Early afternoon.”

 

“Ok. I’m going to do it. I’m going to fly to Oslo. I really want you to be here.”

 

“Are you sure? I really don’t think Vegard does.” He really wasn’t sure how Vegard would react to him coming. He wasn’t sure of much anymore.

 

“Screw him! Fucking ass-hole, leaving you behind!”

 

Bård snorted. Leave it to his little brother to feel righteous indignation on his behalf. “Bjarte, he’s… he’s going through some stuff.” At least now he felt more like laughing than crying.

 

“Still….”

 

“I doubt that there are any tickets left.”

 

“I’ll take care of that. Text your flight number to me, ok?”

 

Had it come to this? His little brother had to help him get on a plane.

 

Bjarte broke into his thoughts. “Ok?” He could hear the determination in his brother’s voice. “This will be good. We’ll get some time alone.”

 

What else could he say? “Ok.”

 

* * *

 

Three hours later his phone rang. He saw his little brother’s number on the display. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe Bjarte couldn’t get a ticket to Oslo on such short notice. It was Christmastime, some of those flights had probably been booked for months. He was surprised by how much that thought bothered him now. He had been so unsure about going home, but now he felt like he needed to be there, with his family.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey! I hope you're not busy right now.” Bjarte sounded kind of excited.

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m at the airport, in Oslo.”

 

“I thought you weren’t coming ‘til tomorrow.”

 

“When I called, there was only one seat available on any of the flights to Oslo between now and Christmas . You would not believe how fast I drove to the airport.”

 

Bård chuckled. “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve seen you drive.”

 

“I know you weren’t expecting me yet. I’m sure you already had some big plans for tonight, an orgy or something. Sorry to screw that up.”

 

“Yeah. What were you thinking? I’ll have to cancel all my plans.”

 

“Just get an extra girl for me and we’ll go ahead with it.”

 

Bård chuckled again, as best he could. Normally he and Bjarte could keep this banter going for twenty minutes, but he didn’t feel up to it right now.

 

“Are you there?”

 

“Uh… yeah. Sorry.”

 

“Could you come and pick me up?”

 

 _Oh, fuck! Now he had to tell him that, too._ “I can’t. I mean I haven’t driven since…. since…. um… you know.”

 

“Oh. Ok. I didn’t know that.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It’s not a big deal. I’ll just take a cab. I’ll see you soon.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bård had dreaded seeing Bjarte for the first time since the attack. He had worried that it might be awkward. Maybe Bjarte wouldn’t be comfortable with him or ask him something that he couldn’t handle talking about. He knew it was kind of dumb to feel like he had to keep up some pretense of having it all together, but he was still Bjarte’s big brother. He didn’t want to be an embarrassment, to Bjarte or himself.

 

But none of the worst case scenarios occurred, Bjarte arrived and it felt easy and comfortable. Just like it always had. That was three hours ago. Now Bård was in the middle of making dinner for the two of them.

 

“Bård, your phone is ringing.”

 

“Just ignore it.”

 

Bjarte looked at the caller ID. “It’s Vegard.”

 

“Let it ring.”

 

Bjarte let it ring again but then answered the phone and backed away from Bård as if he were starting a game of keep away. “Hello…...Yeah, I’m here now……”

 

Bård looked up from the cutting board. “Hey! What are you doing?”

 

“....that was a pretty douchey move, bro.”

 

“I told you not to answer that.” Bård followed Bjarte into the living room and tried to grab the phone away. Bjarte was more nimble than he had remembered. His brother dodged his grasp and then made a point of keeping the couch between the two of them.

 

“Yeah, Bård’s here. He’s busy working on his memoir….It’s called _I’m OK, No Thanks to You_.

 

“Shut up. Will you give me the phone?” Against his will he was laughing a little at Bjarte. But he really didn’t want him saying that to Vegard.

 

“.... Yeah, I _would_ let you talk to him, but I’m not sure if he wants to hear your douchey voice right now.”

 

“Will you stop it?” Bård lunged again for the phone, and again Bjarte bobbed away from him. He was starting to get a little out of breath and was beginning  to wish that he’d been more cooperative with Vegard about exercising.

 

“.... What?...... No, that’s not him asking for the phone. That’s the TV.”

 

Bård stopped chasing his brother around the couch. He stood with his arms crossed trying his best to give his brother a stern look - à la their mother - hoping that would do the trick.

 

Bjarte was looking him straight in the eyes. He didn’t seem the least bit intimidated. “.....Hmm…. Maybe…. It depends. What are you going to say to him? I’m not going to let you be rude to him.”

 

A small huff of surprise escaped Bård’s lips. He had never, ever, heard Bjarte try to protect him from anything. And he’d never had anyone think that they needed to protect him from Vegard.

 

“Ok. That’d better be all that you say. I’m kinda pissed off at you right now.” Bjarte held the phone out to Bård. “Here… he wants to talk to you.”

 

“Yeah… so I gathered. Hello?”

 

“Hi… “

 

Bård waited and waited some more. Vegard was the one who had called, he must have something to say. “Are you there?”

 

“Yeah. I called to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without you. Are you ok?”

 

“Yeah, Bjarte is taking care of me in his own uniquely annoying way.” Bjarte let out a loud “Ha!” from behind him.

 

“I’m really sorry, Bård.”

 

“Yeah?” Bård sat down on the couch and spoke more quietly. “So...you won’t mind if I come home tomorrow?”

 

“No! Of course not! I want you to come.”

 

Vegard sounded sincere, but Bård was still stinging from his words of a few days ago. “You said you didn’t care if I came or not.”

 

He heard Vegard let out a breath. “I know. That was stupid.”

 

He could hear that his brother felt bad about what he’d said. Still, he wasn’t sure. Normally Vegard would never intentionally say something to hurt him, but he _had_ flown off without him. Maybe he needed a break. “I’m sure you’re kinda tired of me… and all of this.”

 

“Did he just _say_ that??” Bjarte hadn’t gone into the kitchen, as Bård had thought, he was standing a few feet behind Bård listening to what he could of the conversation.

 

“No! Bjarte… please just give me a minute.” Bård waved his little brother away until he finally went into the kitchen.

 

“I’m not tired of you, Bård! I just… I don’t know….. sometimes I just get so angry… not at you… just angry.”

 

“It’s ok. I just wasn’t sure what I had done.”

 

“You didn’t do anything. You didn’t do anything wrong.” It almost sounded like Vegard’s voice broke. It was a few more seconds before he continued. “You _are_  coming home tomorrow, right?”

 

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure that Bjarte will insist on it. Hopefully he won’t get the opportunity to see me have a panic attack. I suppose I should warn him.”

 

Vegard didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t even thought about how difficult the whole flying thing might be for Bård. “I could come back for you. Maybe I should do that.”

 

“No. It’ll be fine.” And then he spoke a little louder over his shoulder. “I’m Bjarte’s problem now.”

 

“I’m going to be _your_ problem if you don’t get on the plane with me.” Bjarte was in the kitchen, but seemed to be paying very close attention to Bård.

 

“I guess he’s going to get me onto the plane with a combination of coddling and threats.” Bård laughed a bit, but it sounded a little forced. He was certain that Vegard heard it that way. “Probably leaning more toward the threats.”

 

“Seriously, I’ll come back for you.”

 

“No, I can’t get my money back on this flight now anyway. Bjarte will be with me. It will be ok. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for continuing to read this! 
> 
> And thanks for your encouragement (and requests to keep this story going :D). I love to hear from you!


	21. Chapter 21

His arrival yesterday, without his little brother in tow, had to have puzzled his parents. They hadn't spoken to their youngest son yet, so they weren't aware of the situation. But once the question, “Where’s your brother?” was answered with, “At home.” they both diligently avoided the subject for the rest of the day.

 

Vegard was grateful that they hadn't pressed him for an explanation, because he didn't have one. No matter how he tried to rationalize leaving Bård behind, it was still pretty messed up. He couldn't seem to forgive himself and he didn’t know how he was going to explain it to Bård.

 

He wished that he had just gone back to Oslo to get his brother, like he'd suggested. He really would have preferred that. Last night, when he was sitting with his parents, unable to concentrate on whatever TV show they were watching, it was all he could do to keep himself from driving back to the airport. But, Bård had told him not to come, and he thought he should honor that.

 

Today, his father had suggested that he ride along on the airport run, probably thinking that the sooner he apologized to his brother the better it would be for both of them. In a way he would have preferred that, the guilt he felt over the whole incident was overwhelming, but he didn't think that would be fair to Bård. Maybe his brother didn't want to see him yet. So he had declined.

 

As soon as his father had left for the airport, Vegard regretted that decision as well. Would Bård think that he didn't care enough to meet him at the airport? Or would the whole flight have been so traumatic that he wouldn't even notice Vegard’s absence?

 

As he sat in the kitchen, his thoughts fluctuated between obsessing about how Bård was doing on the flight and chastising himself for leaving Bård alone in the first place. What had he been thinking? At least Bård wasn't alone, Bjarte was with him.

 

When he couldn't stand it anymore, he got up and went to the front window, hoping to see his father’s car pull into the driveway. After a few minutes, he forced himself to stop. They'd get there when they got there. He went back into the kitchen and watched his mom who was busily making Christmas cookies.

 

Finally the doorbell rang.

 

He'd been anxious for them to arrive, but now he felt apprehensive. What if something had happened on the flight to upset Bård? What his brother's recovery was set back by the trauma? What if Bård never forgave him?

 

"They're here!" His mom practically sang out the words as she hurried to the door.

 

Vegard trailed behind her. He tried to convince himself that it was going to be ok. They were family. They had so much history together. They’d survived other fights. But this felt worse, much worse. It was as if he'd kicked a puppy. A hurt puppy. It was as if he’d kicked a hurt puppy, who had trusted in him, more than anyone else, for protection.

 

He hung back, on the edge of the entryway. He thought he’d wait there until he was sure that Bård wanted to talk to him.

 

“Oh, Bård!” Their mother greeted Bård with a big hug. “We’re so glad you came! Now all our boys are home!”

 

“Thanks, Mom.” He looked a little overwhelmed by all the attention. “I’ve missed you.”

 

“We’ve missed you too. You know, you could call us once in a while.” Their mom pulled back from the hug and raised an eyebrow, before breaking into a big smile.

 

“I know. I’m sorry.”

 

"We’re just so happy to have you here now.”

 

Vegard watched as she pulled Bård into another big hug. His attention was so focused on Bård that he hadn't noticed Bjarte approaching. His youngest brother greeted him somewhat coolly. “So… hey…”  

 

He could see that Bjarte was disappointed in him and it made him feel awkward and embarrassed. "Hey... thanks for bringing him here. I…”  

 

"Yeah, what happened?”

 

He shook his head for a couple of seconds before saying with a shrug, "I really don't know."

 

Bjarte took that in for a moment and then his expression softened. “Are _you_ ok?”  

 

“Yes. Of course.” Vegard stared at his feet. He couldn't stand Bjarte being concerned about him, especially after what he'd just done. “How was the flight? Was he ok?”

 

“Yeah, he was fine."

 

It was difficult to believe and Vegard was certain his face reflected that.

 

“He was uncomfortable, especially at the airport, so I tried to distract him. Once he got on the plane, and sat down in a seat next to a window, he seemed to relax a bit."

 

Their mother’s voice came ringing down the hall as she returned to her baking.  "Bjarte, would you come into the kitchen and help me?”

 

Bjarte made a face. “Alright.” He let out an overly exaggerated sigh. “Just another case of you two getting the celebrity treatment.”

 

Vegard heard a familiar snort coming from behind him. Apparently, Bård had been standing there, waiting to talk to him. Bjarte disappeared into the kitchen, and then it was just the two of them. They stood in silence for a few seconds. Vegard took a big breath and tried to break the ice. “How was your flight?”

 

Bård’s eyes met his. He was wearing an expression that Vegard hadn’t seen on his face very often. Was he nervous?  “It was… uhh... ok, I guess.”

 

Vegard stepped up to him and gently pulled him into a hug. When Bård started to hug him back, Vegard tightened the embrace. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't, he was too overwhelmed. He didn't understand it, but it seemed that Bård had forgiven him.

 

Vegard heard a barely audible voice, muffled from it’s proximity to his shoulder. “Are you ok with me being here?”

 

The question was spoken so quietly that Vegard had almost missed it. He pulled back to look at Bård’s face. His brother was biting his lower lip and looked as if he wasn't sure that he wanted to hear the answer.  “Bård! I want you to be here.”

 

"Are you sure? You don't have to say that. "

 

"Yes. I'm sure. If you hadn't come today, I would have flown back for you."

 

"Yeah?" Bård looked so uncertain, unable to hold eye contact for more than a couple seconds at a time.

 

"And if you hadn't wanted to come back here,  I'd have stayed with you."

 

Bård looked up and gave him a small smile. A few tears filled his eyes.

 

Feeling close to tears himself, he changed the subject. "Really, how was the flight? Were you ok?"

 

Bård took a breath and tried to gather himself. "Well, I didn't totally freak out." His voice waivered on the word "freak". He cleared his throat and pressed on. "There were no straight jackets involved and, as far as I know, I'm still off of the "No Fly" list."

 

"All good things.” Vegard chuckled slightly. “Were you able to sleep through the flight?"

 

"No. But you would have been proud of me, I quizzed Bjarte the whole time we were at the gate and halfway through the flight, until he insisted on quizzing me."

 

"Yeah?  How'd he do?"

 

"Well, he knows a lot, but years of being quizzed by you has drilled a lot of trivial information into my brain."

 

"So, you beat him?"

 

"Yeah.” The answer came out as a giggle. A smile, his first real smile since entering the house, spread across his face, until even his eyes got in on the act. “But he complained that it wasn't fair, big baby.” He giggled again and seemed to be relaxing. “I felt sort of indebted to him for getting me onto the plane, so I told him we could call it a draw."

 

Vegard chuckled and pulled Bård into another hug. "I'm sorry, Bård. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left without you.” He released Bård enough so that he could look him in the eye. “I'm really not sure why I did."

 

"Don't you think you were just angry at me?"

 

"No. I wasn't angry at you."

 

Bjarte returned to the entryway looking a little irritated. “Alright guys, enough with the sentimental reunion. You've only been separated for one day! You need to come and help in the kitchen. When Mom asked me to help her, I thought it was just a ruse to give you two some time alone, but it turns out that she has a whole list of things she wants help with.”

 

Vegard and Bård exchanged glances and started giggling. “You look cute in your apron, Bjarta.”  Vegard barely got the words out through his giggles. The two older brothers had been known to, on occasion, call their brother by the female version of his name. They'd never teased him until he was old enough to participate, and he was definitely able to give as well as he got now.

 

“Oh, so this is how it’s going to be, you two ganging up against me.” Bjarte was giving them an evil eye and trying not to laugh.

 

“Probably. Aren’t you glad that you came and got me?” Bård giggled

 

“This isn’t over, bros. You shouldn’t mess with me, I’m way more badass than the two of you combined.” Bjarte turned and headed back to the kitchen with Bård and Vegard following close behind.

 

Vegard shook his head and whispered, “Pffffft! Badass!”, sending him and Bård into another giggling fit.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"You've got to roll them onto the cone quicker! Once they cool, they won't bend." Vegard was supposed to be helping him with the cookies, but mostly he was playing with his cell phone and offering occasional pieces of advice.

 

Bård looked over at his big brother. Vegard, being the oldest, had naturally grown up telling him what to do. But over the years his brother had managed to reel in that instinct, so that they could work together. Still, as soon as they crossed the threshold of their parents’ home, he always seemed to slip back into full big brother mode. Sometimes it annoyed Bård, but often it just amused him. "Thank you Captain Obvious. I've made these cookies a million times before."

 

Looking a bit disappointed that his little brother didn't appreciate the wisdom of his words, Vegard grumbled,  "Well, not a million times," and then turned his attention back to his phone.

 

"You're right. Maybe it just seems like a million times because you’re always here telling me what I’m doing wrong."

 

When Vegard completely ignored his jab, Bård reached into the bowl and flicked a handful of batter at him. The surprise attack left Vegard with batter in his hair, some of which was beginning to slowly drip down his face. An escape plan should have the only thing on Bård's mind, but he'd always paid more attention to offense than defense in these matters and he was enjoying the shocked expression on his brother's face way too much to think of anything else. Things quickly escalated from there. Vegard snatched the bowl and began returning fire with multiple globs of batter. Bård grabbed the only ammunition he could find, a bag of flour, and began tossing fistfuls of the powdery substance so that it was raining down on Vegard’s head.

 

"Boys!" Suddenly their mother was standing at the back door, her hands full of grocery bags, a small smile was spreading across her face. "I can not believe you!" She shook her head disapprovingly, but she couldn't contain her laughter.  

 

"He started it." Vegard's eyes were sparkling with laughter.

 

Vegard's comment made Bård giggle. "He was picking on me."

 

Their mom continued laughing but tried to look serious. "Just clean it up." She pushed the grocery bags into Vegard's arms. "And put these groceries away, I can't stand looking at the mess you've made. Honestly! You boys haven't even been here for 24 hours and you've completely reverted to your 12 and 15-year-old selves!" She pecked Vegard on the cheek before leaving the room.

 

Having been attracted by the shouts and peals of laughter, Bjarte entered the kitchen just as their mother was leaving.  He leaned against the one remaining clean counter with his arms crossed. "You two are so immature!"

 

"Shut up!" Bård 's words were lost in his giggles. He was on the floor, wiping up globs of batter while Vegard was leaning over the sink trying to wash the batter out of his hair. Vegard soon realized that he was only making it worse, because the water was turning the flour in his hair into a gooey mess.

 

"If we're 15 and 12 that makes you 5!" Vegard stood up and flicked his wet hair at Bjarte.

 

"Idiots!" Bjarte turned to leave and called back over his shoulder, "The next time you feel inclined to act that way... include me, would you?"

 

They both giggled. "Of course!” “Sorry!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later, after making fresh batter and baking a batch of krumkake, Bård stood in the doorway to Vegard's bedroom, wearing his favorite sweats and hoodie. His hair was wet, but batterless, after his recent shower. Vegard who had showered first, was relaxing on his bed and reading.

 

"Mind if I come in?"  

 

"Are you armed?" Vegard smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Hmm.. no bowl. Yeah, come in." He moved his feet to make room for his brother. Bård sat down sideways near the foot of the bed and leaned against the wall.

 

He sat quietly, enjoying the familiar feeling of sitting in his brother’s room. They’d spent so much time together in that room, making up songs, writing skits, talking about everything. “It's weird being here. I mean it's good, but I feel like everything that happened... the attack...is so far away, like a dream.” He glanced at Vegard to see if he understood.

 

Vegard nodded.

 

“But at the same time it's still here, I can’t get away from it. It’s always with me.” Bård stared at his hands, which he couldn't seem to stop fidgeting.

 

He heard a small sigh before Vegard answered. “I know.”

 

It was comforting to be back home, but he wasn’t sure if he could have handled it without Vegard being with him. He felt so many conflicting emotions. Love was obviously one of them, he loved his family and he knew they loved him, but irritation was another that he'd been feeling in response to their love. They seemed to want to fawn over him, especially his mom. "Are you warm enough? Will you be comfortable in your old bedroom? What would you like for dinner? We're having whatever you choose." It was nice, but he wanted it to be normal. He didn't know how to tell them, they didn’t understand how he felt or what had happened. No one did. Except for Vegard.

 

“Mom acts like I'm back from the dead.”

 

“No, she doesn’t.”

 

“Yes she does. She tries to act normal, but then when she passes me in the hall - or anywhere else, for that matter - she hugs me really tight, like she might never let go, and when she’s does release me she has tears in her eyes.”

 

“She's happy that you're ok. We could have lost…”

 

“I know!” Bård interrupted. He hated that phrase, “we could have lost you”. It sounded so creepy and final, which of course it would have been, but he hated it. He hated to think about how his family would have been affected if he had died. “But you didn't.” He sat quietly, not sure of what to add to explain himself, and afraid to see if Vegard thought he was being unfair to their mom. He stared into his lap finally adding, "It makes me uncomfortable.”

 

“Do I do that?”

 

A small smile crossed his face and he shook his head.  "No. I always feel comfortable with you."

 

“Always? What about... I don't know... I mean sometimes we've argued.”

 

“Pffft! At least you don't treat me like... like I'm about to break.”  

 

“I did when you came home. I was bringing you pillows and covering you with blankets like a crazy person.”

 

“Yeah, but…”

 

“She's been worried about you… and you haven’t talked to her much on the phone.”

 

Bård swallowed. He felt so guilty about that. “I know.”

 

Vegard nudged him with his foot. “Hey. I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong.”

 

“I have though. I guess it is my fault she’s acting like this.”

 

Vegard let out a heavy breath. “No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

 

Bård glanced over at him. He was doing it again. He was making Vegard take care of him. It was almost as if he couldn’t stop. He never seemed to notice he was doing it, until it was too late. “Ok. I guess I can’t control how she feels about what happened.”

 

“There you go. Dr. Thorsen would be so proud.”

 

“I should probably record some of his pearls of wisdom and listen to them on an endless loop as I sleep.”

 

“No, I think that _would_ make you crazy. Just let her hug you and try to talk to her a little, so that she can see how you’re doing. I think she’ll calm down then.”

 

“Yeah. Ok.”

 

They fell silent for a while. Vegard turned his eyes to his book, but his foot was still lightly touching Bård’s leg. The contact was just enough so that Bård felt comfortable being left to his own thoughts. He looked around Vegard’s room. It was as familiar as his own. He liked that about it, it was almost as if he had two rooms. He looked at the pictures on the walls. A couple of them were old posters that Bård remembered as always having been on Vegard’s walls. Their mother had taken all their posters down years ago and repainted the walls, but she’d framed a couple of Vegard’s favorite airplane posters and hung them back up.

 

Up on the top bookshelf, there was a model of a Gloster Gladiator bi-plane. The real ones had been flown by both British and Norwegian pilots in defense of Oslo during World War II. Vegard had told him all about them. So much so, that even though he hadn’t been that interested at the time, he could remember the year they had first been commissioned and that they were used by multiple countries’ air forces throughout the war. His favorite random fact was that Marmaduke Pattle, a South African pilot, was the top ace of all the Gladiator pilots, with fifteen victories over Italian aircrafts. Marmaduke! What a name! It still made him smile.

 

Vegard had been completely engrossed with World War II for at least a year, and Bård remembered giving him the Gladiator model airplane kit for Christmas during that time. Vegard had spent hours putting it together and painting it, which had ended up annoying Bård because Vegard wouldn't allow him to help and didn't want to play with him until the model was finished. Even so, he had been so proud that he’d known to choose that model for Vegard, out of all the model airplane kits in the store. It had been Vegard’s favorite present that Christmas.

 

His favorite present. Presents. Christmas presents!

 

"I don't have any presents yet, do you?"

 

Vegard looked up. "No. When would I have done that?"

 

"I don't know, maybe during my session with Dr. Thorsen. Or after yours."

 

"No. I've got nothing."

 

"What don’t you have?" Bjarte walked into Vegard’s room without knocking.

 

Vegard briefly considered telling his youngest brother that he should knock,  but then decided that ship had sailed.  "Presents. We haven't bought any presents yet."

 

"That's ok. We can go out tomorrow." Bjarte walked over to the bed and sat down at the end, pushing Bård over, closer to Vegard.

 

Bård reached for one of Vegard’s pillows,  fluffed it and put it behind his back, before leaning back again. "Have you bought your gifts, Bjarte?"

 

"I still have some shopping to do. I need to get something for Mom... and for Dad… and... I guess I still have quite a bit.... well, most of it ... ok… all of it,  I still have all of it left to do. But so do half the men in Norway. It'll be fun to go out together."

 

They both chuckled at Bjarte. He was trying to act normal - and mostly he was - but he was trying too hard to be funny. Bjarte was always effortlessly funny, but today it seemed more like work. He was _trying_ to make them laugh, as if they were little kids who were sick with the flu.

 

Bård glanced at Vegard and knew immediately that Vegard felt it too. He would have preferred everything to be normal, but at least he wasn’t experiencing this alone. Vegard nudged him again with his foot, reminding him that it was going to be ok. They were home and they were with their family. He needed to relax.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The stairs creaked as he made his way down. He’d had a bad dream. Although that term didn’t begin to cover the fear he’d felt when he had jolted awake. Even the term “nightmare” didn’t really cover it. If he’d had to label this dream, it would have been a “terror-mare of doom”. He didn’t think he could fall back to sleep after that, and he definitely didn’t want to.

 

He was surprised that no one had woken up, because he was pretty sure that he had screamed out loud. But maybe his screams had stayed in his dreams. At least he still remembered where to walk on the steps to avoid the loudest creaks. If they hadn’t heard him during his dream then the quiet squeaks, from the few spots on the steps that he couldn’t avoid, shouldn’t bother them.

 

Now that he was downstairs, he wished he’d put on his hoodie. Why was he walking around shirtless? His parents seemed to keep their house even colder than he remembered. He crept to the kitchen where he’d seen one of Vegard’s sweatshirts hanging by the backdoor. It was still there, so he took it off the hook and dove into it. The fleece on the inside of this sweatshirt was especially soft. He had often found excuses to “borrow” this particular sweater from his big brother. Of course, he never would have admitted that.

 

It had been a long time since he’d borrowed it, or anything, though. He hadn’t really done anything to intentionally pester Vegard in the past seventy-two days. Except for today, of course. He smiled to himself. The food fight, right here in the kitchen, had been so childish and messy. It really had been... perfect! For those few minutes he had felt totally like himself. If only he could figure out a way to feel like that for longer periods of time - and without a major clean up afterwards.

 

Actually, that happened yesterday, didn’t it? He reminded himself that it was already tomorrow. So, it had been seventy-three days. He wondered how many more days it would take to feel normal. Another seventy-three? One hundred and seventy-three? He could practically hear Dr. Thorsen in his head. _“There is no timeline, Bård. You’re not racing anyone.”_ He’d come to appreciate that Dr. Thorsen was a pretty smart guy and he probably had their best interests at heart. (Although, Bård sometimes wondered if the doctor’s lack of timeline was because it wasn't in the doctor’s financial interest to “cure” them too quickly.) But, forgetting about the doctor’s possible financial considerations, Bård thought that the “no timeline” thing was just stupid. Wouldn’t everyone want to work through things and feel better as soon as possible? Why would you want to drag it out?

 

He sighed. According to the clock above the kitchen sink it was almost 3:30 am. It would be at least two and a half hours before anyone got up. He really didn’t want to be alone. He briefly considered waking Vegard, but then shook his head. That would be dumb! Why would he wake his brother? What was Vegard supposed to do about it? He should at least let his brother get a good night’s sleep.

 

He went to the family room, hoping that the TV could keep him company and keep images from his dream at bay. The door to the room was closed and there was noise on the other side of the door. He hesitated. Was someone already in there? No! Someone must have forgotten to turn the TV off when they went to bed.

 

He opened the door and saw war in vivid color, bodies on the ground, vehicles burning, a helicopter flying overhead. It was so loud that it almost forced him back out of the room.

 

“Ahhhhh! I’m dead!”

 

His brother’s voice was easily recognizable, but the other voice that was coming through the speaker was not.

 

“You always mess up at that corner.” The voice was laughing goodnaturedly. “That’s the third time you’ve died there this week.”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Oh, Bård. Hi. I’m playing _Call of Duty_ with my friend, Peter. I think you met him when you visited Oregon last summer.”

 

Bård smiled and nodded. He really didn’t care if his brother wanted to stay up all night playing video games, but he didn’t want to start shopping at 4:00 in the afternoon. “I thought we were… aren’t we shopping tomorrow? I mean today? In the morning?” He was close to Bjarte now, and he sat down on the arm of the couch that was closest to his little brother.

 

“Yeah. We are. I started playing this game a few hours ago and then I kind of forgot about the time. It’s only 6:30 pm there.”

 

Bård chuckled. “Yeah, I get that.”

 

“Why don’t you play once? Peter. This is my brother Bård. He’s going to play with you.”

 

“I really don’t want to.”

 

“Yes, you do.”

 

“Can’t I just watch?”

 

“No. Come here.” Bjarte reached up and pulled Bård down onto the couch, so that they were sitting next to each other, and then he shoved the controller into his older brother’s hands.

 

Peter had already started, so Bård did his best to keep up. At first he felt a little nervous, but Bjarte’s friend was talking to him, helping him navigate to the spot in the game where Peter and Bjarte had spent most of their time that evening. Listening to Peter’s voice helped remind him that it was just a game. Bjarte had the sound set up so that they could both talk to Peter at the same time, so there was a lot of smack talk and random stupid comments as they played. Eventually, Bård joined in on that as well. It felt a lot like the last time he and his brother's played this game. He kind of wanted to stop for a minute, so that he could get Vegard to join them, although his older brother would never get up in the middle of the night for something like that.

 

Suddenly, they were ambushed. They were surrounded by armed men. The sounds of incoming fire were echoing around him. When he looked down the alley, their only escape route, all he could see were more men running towards them. Peter was shouting orders, talking so fast that it was really difficult to follow, and then Peter shouted, “I’m shot!” and Bård couldn’t think anymore. It felt too real.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“What are you doing? You have to keep shooting! Don’t worry about Peter, he messed that up himself.” Bjarte picked the controller up out of Bård’s lap and started shooting the approaching combatants. He expertly shot them, one after another, each of them crying out in pain as they fell, but not before a graphically bloody wound was displayed in high definition on the large screen TV.

 

Bjarte, who was completely enjoying himself, finally glanced at Bård and was puzzled by his expression. Bård was still watching the screen, but not with an expression that would indicate that he was enjoying it.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Bård shook his head and said quietly, “I don’t really like this kind of game anymore.”

 

Bjarte was waiting for more of an explanation, but Bård got up and left the room. After a few seconds of confused silence, he decided that he should follow him. “Hey, Pete? I’ve got to go. Busy day tomorrow… I mean, today!”

 

“OK. Merry Christmas!”

 

“Yeah. You too.” Bjarte turned off the game and went in the direction that he'd last seen his brother going. He found Bård in the kitchen by the sink, drinking a glass of water.

 

“You didn't need to end your game.” Bård's voice sounded a little strange and he didn't turn around.

 

“It’s ok. Are you alright?” There was no reply. Bjarte was about to ask again when he heard a quiet response.

 

“Yeah. I’m ok.”

 

“I guess you told me you didn’t want to play that.” Again, it was just quiet. He wished that Bård would turn around. “I’m sorry,” he offered, not really sure what else he should say.

 

“You didn’t do anything.”

 

He wasn’t sure, but it seemed that Bård’s voice was a little shaky. “Are you sure?”

 

"I'm ok, Bjarte."

 

"Come on.  Do you want to watch something together?" Bjarte gently put his hand on Bård’s shoulder.

 

Finally, Bård turned around.  "Aren't you going to bed?"

 

"Nah… not yet. I'm kind of wound up from the video game." Bjarte pulled at Bård’s sleeve. "Come on. You were going to watch some TV when you came in the family room a few minutes ago."

 

Bård followed Bjarte, a little reluctantly, back to the couch, .

 

"I discovered this TV show a while ago and I thought you and Vegard would really like it."

 

"Ok."

 

Bjarte put the disc in and returned to the couch, sitting down right next to his brother. He had the urge to put his arm around him, but felt awkward about it. Bård had never really needed him that way before. He wasn’t sure if Bård would appreciate that or if he would just be making it worse. So he just sat next to his brother, leaning into him a little to satisfy his need for physical contact. It wasn’t too long before Bård was leaning into him as well. After a few minutes he felt Bård beginning to relax.

 

Before the half hour show was over, Bård had fallen asleep. Hearing his brother's breathing even out, Bjarte turned off the TV. Bård's head was at an odd angle, so Bjarte got his brother to lie down on a pillow, and then lifted his legs up onto the couch.

 

He looked at his sleeping brother and wondered if he should leave him on the couch, or try to wake him up and get him back to his own bed. Bård looked comfortable now, and hadn’t woken up when Bjarte was rearranging him on the couch. He’d probably be fighting a losing battle if he tried to move him now.

 

Bjarte covered his brother with a blanket and quietly snuck out of the room, closing the door as softly as he could. He went into the kitchen to write a note, and then stuck the note onto the family room door before heading up to bed.

 

When their mother got up, she noticed the note on the family room door. Curious, she walked over to investigate. The note read:

 

“Beware! Sleeping dork lies within! Enter at your own risk!!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for continuing to read this. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support. I love to hear your thoughts about my writing!


	22. Chapter 22

"Bård. Bård wake up!"

 

A groan was the best response that he could come up with.

 

"Bård!" He was being shaken a little harder now. "Why are you on the couch?  Are you ok? Wake up!"

 

"What?" He opened his eyes to see Vegard sitting next to him on the edge of the couch. “What’s wrong?”

 

"Wrong?" Vegard looked a little surprised by the question. "I just wasn't sure why you were on the couch, and then I couldn't wake you up."

 

Bård couldn’t imagine why Vegard was so upset to find him sleeping on the couch, but he knew that he’d caused his brother endless worry since “it happened” so he decided to give him a break. The curtains were still drawn in the family room, making it difficult to see if it was light out yet. That and the fact that he had been sleeping so soundly a few moments ago, made him feel a bit disoriented. "Is it time to go?"

 

"Go where?"

 

"Shopping. We are going shopping, right? I didn't sleep through it, did I?"

 

"Don't be ridiculous.” Vegard started chuckling. “Of course you didn't sleep through it. And no, we're not going right now, Bjarte isn't even awake yet."

 

"Somebody better go wake him up. He was still awake at 3:30 when I came down here, so he’s not waking up on his own anytime soon."

 

"Why did you get up?"

 

"I couldn't sleep." He thought it best not to mention the dream. Vegard would just worry about that too.

 

"So you thought you'd sleep better here?"

 

"Not exactly.”

 

"Please tell me that you didn't come down in the middle of the night just to steal my sweatshirt."

 

Bård laughed. Vegard _would_ notice that right away. "Well, it worked! And now that I've got it, good luck getting it back!"

 

Vegard shook his head, smiling. "The story of my life."

 

“Poor you. Maybe I should buy you a new sweatshirt for Christmas.”

 

“That would be nice. Just don’t get one that you like too much.”

 

“Check. The uglier the better.”

 

* * *

 

Bård couldn’t imagine why Bjarte had insisted on shopping at Lagunen Storsenter. It was huge, it was noisy, and it was packed. Of course, tomorrow was Christmas Eve, so it would have been crowded anywhere.

 

Some Christmas song was playing loudly, the sleigh bells that were keeping a beat in the background made his head feel as if it were being shaken in time with the music. Between the music and the shoppers and the crying of that poor little boy on the bench next to theirs, he couldn't hear a word that Vegard was saying. He could barely hear Bjarte when he turned to relay the message.

 

They’d already been at the mall for two hours and he hadn’t bought a thing. He couldn’t seem to make a decision, he couldn’t really think at all. His brain was totally preoccupied with monitoring each person he saw for potential threats. So instead he had opted to “go in on” presents with his brothers and let them make all the decisions.

 

He was already tired from the stress of it all, so when Vegard had suggested that they should sit down for a few minutes, he had readily agreed. But sitting there, in the middle of the mall, was way worse than shopping in the stores had been. There were so many people rushing around in all directions, and more people looking down on them from the floors above. Bård took a deep breath and reminded himself (again) that those people were just looking at the Christmas decorations and at the crowd in general, but he couldn’t get his head to quiet down. Everything in him was telling him to run. Finally, Vegard and Bjarte stood up from the bench and began gathering up their purchases.

 

"Alright. Now I need a few minutes without you two stalking me.” There was a relaxed smile on Vegard’s face that Bård hadn’t seen for a very long time. His brother was actually having fun.

 

“You’re going to buy us presents!!!” Bjarte practically shouted it, as if he were a five-year-old exclaiming, "Santa is coming!! Santa is coming!!!" It was made all the more ridiculous because now that they were all standing  together, they could hear each other just fine. Bjarte liked to embarrass his older brothers from time to time.

 

“Yeah. Well, that doesn’t mean I’m going to _give_ you anything. That depends on how you behave from now until tomorrow evening.” Vegard gave Bjarte a genial shove and then he leaned closer to Bård. “How about you? Are you ok with me leaving for awhile?” He spoke quietly, just loud enough for Bård to hear.

 

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead.” He smiled at Vegard. The idea made him nervous, but he wasn’t going to give in to his irrational fears. Vegard should be able to enjoy shopping for presents like a normal person.

 

“Ok. Um… it’ll probably be less than an hour.”

 

“No problem. Take your time.” Bjarte’s eyes were locked on his phone, but then his head jerked up and his eyes looked concerned. “Wait!! You do have that list of video games I want, right?”

 

“Yup. Got it all right here.” Vegard waved his cell phone as proof. “It was quite a long list. You do realize that you’re not getting more than half of what's on there, right?” His eyes crinkled as he laughed.

 

“Fine. Then you're not getting more than half a sweater!”

 

“I don't know why we put up with you.” Vegard laughed and shoved Bjarte again, shaking his head. “Call me if you need me.”

 

“Who needs you?” Bjarte shouted to Vegard’s back.

 

Bård watched as Vegard walked away until he and all of his black curls were swallowed up by the holiday crowd. Why did he feel so much less secure now? It was totally irrational. Or, was he worried that something would happen to Vegard? He didn’t know and he definitely couldn’t figure it out with Hej Mitt Vinterland playing obnoxiously loud for what had to be the tenth time since they’d gotten there.

 

“Bård! I asked you where you wanted to go next.” Bjarte glanced at him but then turned his eyes and his attention to his phone.

 

Irrational or not, he couldn’t stand there any longer. Looking around, Bård saw that the closest pillar was just a couple of meters behind him. He wove through the crowd, recoiling a bit at each accidental touch. Once he’d reached the pillar, he leaned his back against it and closed his eyes. He felt his anxiety easing a bit. His breathing was still rapid and shallow so he tried to concentrate only on correcting that.

 

_In, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, out, 2, 3, 4,...._

 

“There you are! I didn’t see you move. Where do you want to go next?” Bjarte was still preoccupied with his phone. It had taken him a couple of minutes to even notice that Bård had moved.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe the bookstore. They have a bookstore here, right?”

 

Bjarte looked up. “Haven’t you been to this mall before? Yeah, of course! There’s a Norli just down the hall.” He laughed a little and looked at his phone again.

 

“Ok. Good. I should be able to find the rest of my gifts there.” Bård thought that a bookstore might be quieter and, if he could just stand between some bookshelves, he might feel safer.

 

Bjarte turned and began walking toward the bookstore. Bård rushed to catch up. “Where is it?”

 

“It’s straight this way.” Bjarte was somehow navigating his way through the mall without ever taking his eyes off of his phone.

 

“Hey, Bjarte, why don’t I walk in front of you so that you won’t run into anyone?”

 

Bjarte had obviously perfected the art of walking and texting. He shrugged and answered indifferently, “Yeah… ok.”

 

Bård thought if he could keep Bjarte behind him, he wouldn’t be so worried about the endless throng. He stepped ahead of his brother and started making his way through the crowd, glancing over his shoulder every few steps, to make sure that Bjarte was still there. He did feel safer having Bjarte covering his back but now, with strangers passing on both sides of him, people were bumping into him constantly. He must have been leaning into his brothers earlier when he had passed people.

 

He could see the sign for Norli up ahead, it wasn’t too much farther. Bård tried to relax. He was making way too big a deal out of this. It wasn’t so bad. He looked back over his shoulder to make sure that Bjarte was keeping up, but all he saw was a sea of unfamiliar faces. Looking over his other shoulder, he saw more of the same. A wave of anxiety rushed over him, followed by the dizziness that usually accompanied a panic attack.

 

“No, no, no.” He spoke under his breath. “No, no, no.” He saw a pillar to his right and he practically ran for it, bumping into people as he went. He kept his head down and repeatedly said, “sorry”, although he was speaking so softly that most people probably didn’t hear him. When he neared the pillar he saw that it was already surrounded by people, so he kept moving aimlessly through the mall until he saw a hallway that turned off and led to the restrooms. The hallway was fairly wide and not as crowded as the mall itself, but it still felt like too many people. He continued to end of the hall, where he found a spot in a quiet corner. His legs felt wobbly and his breathing was ragged. He slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. Resting his elbows on his knees, he held his head in his hands.

 

“Bård?”

 

His brother’s voice couldn’t cut through the noise in his head. Why was he so stupid? Why couldn’t he do anything right?

 

“Bård?”

 

Why had he come here? Nobody wanted him here. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he pulled away violently. “No!”

 

“Bård, it’s me. Why did you run?”

 

Bård hid his face back in his hands. Why couldn’t he just disappear?

 

“What happened? Do you feel sick?”

 

He shouldn’t have come here. He should have stayed home, in Oslo, alone. He shouldn’t have come here.

 

Bjarte was quiet for a moment. The next time he spoke, it was very quietly. “Bård?”

 

It was all his fault. All his fault.

 

“Bard. It’s ok.”

 

A small whimper escaped from Bård’s throat.

 

“Is it alright if I touch your arm?”

 

Bjarte was with him. He felt a mixture of relief and incredible shame. He looked up and saw his brother looking back at him. He nodded and then put his head back in his hands. He didn’t know who else was there, watching him, laughing at him, maybe taking a photo of him. He didn’t know and he didn’t want to know.

 

Bjarte touched his upper arm and tried to sooth him. “You’re ok. You’re safe here.”

 

It felt comforting. And yet he felt like a total failure. Why was he putting his little brother through this?

 

“I should have paid attention.”

 

“It’s not your fault.” He spoke softly, his voice shaking a bit. What did Bjarte think of him? How could he have let his little brother down like this? “I’m sorry.”

 

“You don't need to be sorry. I should have…” Bjarte let out a breath and paused awkwardly.  “Is there something that would help? Would you like some water?”

 

Bård lifted his head and nodded.

 

“Ok. I’m just going over there, I’m not leaving you.”

 

Bård responded with another nod. He hated this. He really hadn’t wanted Bjarte to know anything about his panic attacks, and now his brother had witnessed one. Bjarte was over by the beverage dispenser, watching him, _studying_ him, as if he were trying to assess his condition. Bård hid his face again. It was too painful to witness.

 

When Bjarte returned he knelt down and sat on his heels in front of Bård holding out the bottle of water. “Here. It’s just plain water.”

 

Bård opened his eyes and took the water. “Thanks,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

 

"Sorry? For what? This is probably the worst place I could have brought you, isn’t it?”

 

“I suppose I’ve totally lost my coolness factor, huh?”

 

“That’s stupid, you’re always cool.” Bjarte sat down next to Bård and put his arm over his brothers shoulders.

 

Bård slowly sipped his water. He couldn’t seem to stop shaking. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Stop saying that. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

 

“I have. I’ve ruined everything.”

 

“No you haven’t.” Bjarte leaned forward and tried to look him in the eyes. “Bård. You haven’t ruined anything and this is not your fault.”

 

His little brother, shouldn’t be bothered with his problems. He had become a burden to everyone he knew.

 

“Are you listening to me?”

 

Bård nodded. “I am.” He wanted to say ‘I’m sorry’ again, but managed to swallow it. They sat silently for a few minutes until his breathing had returned to normal. The panic attack was over. All that was left was the feeling that he was a disappointment. He sipped on his water bottle, wishing he could just stay in this quiet moment, where he was aware of his failure but didn’t have to see it in his brother’s eyes.

 

“I’m going to call Vegard.”

 

“No!” The thin, fragile wall, that he had started to rebuild to contain his emotions, already felt threatened. “No, don’t!”

 

“I think he’d want to know. He’d want to come.” Bjarte had pulled his phone out and was about to speed dial Vegard.

 

“No, Bjarte, please. He’s seen enough of this already.”

 

Bjarte paused for a moment.

 

“Please don’t call him. Don’t even tell him. All he does is take care of me. It’s all he’s had time to think about for the last ten weeks. He doesn’t need to hear about it.”

 

“I don’t know. I think he’d want to know.”

 

“Yeah. That’s why he got in his plane and came here without me.”

 

“Alright. I’m not trying to upset you.” Bjarte put his phone away. “I won’t call him. But I don’t agree with you - I don’t think he flew here by himself to get away from you.”

 

“It was just an added benefit?” Bård’s voice was flat and humorless.

 

“Don’t be stupid. You said yourself, when we were at your place, that he was working through some things.”

 

“Yeah. I guess.” His hands were resting on his knees, fingers fidgeting anxiously, and he couldn’t take his eyes off of them.

 

Bjarte turned away from him and was surveying their surroundings. They were in a public space that looked like a lobby. In the middle of the space, positioned away from the walls, were a few comfortable chairs and a couch . A couple of glass doors led into the mall management’s offices.“What do you want to do? Should we sit here or maybe move over there where it’s more comfortable?” Bjarte waited for an answer for a few moments. “Or, would you prefer to go to the car?”

 

Was this going to be his life, one freak out after the next? Was it always going to be some unlucky family member’s job to help him through the really difficult things - like Christmas shopping? He was so lame. He took a slow breath and let it out. What had happened to his resolve to stop being so needy? That should probably apply to everyone, not just Vegard. “No. Maybe we should go to Norli. I don’t think I’ll freak out again.” 

 

His brother smiled and rubbed his arm reassuringly. “Alright, if you feel up to it.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bjarte had been following him around the bookstore, staying less than an arm’s length away, for the past half hour. It was making Bård feel a little claustrophobic. He hated how impossible he was being, he didn't want to be left alone _and_ he didn't want to feel too crowded. He wouldn't have wanted to hang out with himself, he could only imagine how Bjarte was feeling, but he couldn't stand this any longer. Before he realized that he was at the end of his rope, he snapped. “Bjarte, back off!”

 

“What?!”

 

Bård hadn’t really meant to say that. Not that way. “I mean, I appreciate you being with me, but...” He couldn’t find the right words.

 

“Yeah. Sorry.” The youngest brother laughed a little. “I just didn’t want to get separated again.”

 

Bård smiled and huffed out a small laugh. How could he be such a pain in the butt to everyone he loved? He shouldn’t have come here. He just shouldn’t have come. “I’m sorry. I know I’m kind of an ungrateful shit.”

 

“Stop it!” Bjarte looked a little upset by Bård’s comment, but quickly recovered. “I’m the only one who can call you an ungrateful shit. You’re overstepping your bounds.”

 

“Oh, right. I forgot.” They both chuckled and Bjarte moved a couple of aisles away to the history section.

 

A few minutes went by before Bjarte stage whispered the information that Vegard was done shopping and would meet them at the bookstore soon. Bård sort of panicked. He had just forced himself to decide on a couple of books for Bjarte, but he still had nothing for Vegard. When they’d first gotten to the store, he’d seen a couple books that he thought Vegard might like, but his mind had still been too scattered to make a decision. Now, when he really needed to make up his mind, he couldn’t remember the names of those books… or even what they had been about.

 

So he began to look at the popular novels near the front of the store. He was amazed how many books that were completely depressing were also extremely popular.

 

The first book he picked up was hailed as _“a true classic of modern literature”_ by one reviewer, while another described it as _“one of the most disturbing novels in existence”_. That description did pique his curiosity. If nothing else, he wanted to know what the reviewer’s criteria was for “disturbing”, and how many novels the man had read - surely not all the novels in existence. It really seemed like an outrageous claim, but it didn’t really matter, they’d had more than enough real life “disturbing” for this year. _No_.

 

The next book was described as _“a broken man trying to pick up the pieces of his shattered life.”_ That hit way too close to home. _No_.

 

 _“Becca loved her dog and her job, but she never knew she had a gaping hole in her life until she met Jake - her cocky new boss who seemed to be ruining her life with his demoralizing management style... and his amazingly sexy blue eyes.”_ Bård snorted out a small laugh. _No!_

 

 _“It is 1868 and a young man, Kai, has just joined the crew of a merchant ship, hoping for adventure. He is filled with anticipation as they set sail for Madagascar, but he has no idea of the hardships that lie ahead: shipwrecks, pirates, creatures from another planet... ”_   _Huh?!? No!!_

 

Bjarte whistled softly to get his attention and pointed urgently at his watch. This was taking too long. He’d have to step it up.

 

 _“...closely examines the mind of a serial murderer, in this dark …”_ _Nope._

 

 _“... and they were left with no choice but to beg for food…”_ _No, no, no!_

 

 _“...I laughed until I cried. The best new author since….”_   _Ok. This will have to do._ There was no more time left, and it looked like the least awful choice.

 

On his way to the checkout, he passed the periodicals and noticed an issue of _Pilot_ magazine He was certain Vegard had bought that magazine from time to time. He grabbed a copy and, adding it to his pile, he hurried on to the front of the store to pay, noticing as he neared that there was a small line. The line was just long enough to give him the time to reevaluate his choices. A magazine, even one about a favorite subject, was kind of a weird gift. What does the gift of a magazine say to the receiver? "I cared so little that I grabbed the first thing I saw at the front of the store."? Or maybe, "I had to get you something. So…. yeah…. here."? It was too late to change his mind, however, as a register had opened up and he was next.  While he waited for the girl to finish ringing him up and tried to ignore her surreptitious stares, he decided to get Vegard a subscription to the magazine as well. Hopefully, that would make the present a little less… lame.

 

He had paid for his finds and the girl was putting it all in a bag, just as Vegard arrived.

 

“Hmmm… Let me see. What did you get me?” Vegard jokingly grabbed for the bag.

 

“No.” He pulled it away. “You’ll just have to wait.”

 

They were both giggling as Vegard made another playful effort to see what was in the bag.

 

Neither of them noticed Bjarte coming up from behind, with the intention of joining in. As soon as Bård felt Bjarte’s hands on his sides he jumped and shouted in fear. Shoppers nearby stopped and stared. He had jumped toward Vegard who reached out and put a hand on his arm to steady him.

 

“You’re ok.”

 

Bård was grateful to Vegard for speaking so quietly and for the hand that was now placed  reassuringly on his back. He glanced at Bjarte, who looked as mortified as he felt, and smiled a practiced smile at him. “Ha! You startled me.” He forced a chuckle and tried to play it off as if it were no big deal. It wouldn’t have been a big deal before “it happened”. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m so jumpy.” Well now, that was ridiculous. He knew. His brothers knew. Probably at least half the people in the store knew, if they had recognized him. He decided to shut up.

 

“No. I’m sorry. I just… I didn’t think.”

 

“Did you get everything you wanted?” Vegard was clearly speaking to him and not Bjarte. He hadn’t really gotten _anything_ he would have wanted to get, he would have preferred to have gotten each of his family members something special, but the things he’d gotten would have to do. He needed to get out of there. He nodded to Vegard, who had kept his eyes on him until he replied.

 

When Vegard turned his head, Bjarte answered, “Yeah, I guess. Do you guys want to get some lunch? I’m starving!"

 

Bård looked at Vegard and willed him to say something.  

 

"No, I'm a little tired. Let's go home."

 

* * *

 

Bård was sitting on his bed. His back was cushioned by a pillow that was leaning against his headboard. His parent’s had offered to get him a larger bed when he was in his teens, but he liked the way the single bed fit into the alcove, making a small private space that could only be seen by entering the room. He had decked it out with shelves and a reading lamp at the head of the bed, and another shelf, which was more boxy and had a secret compartment, where his seldom used alarm clock sat. It had always been his favorite place in his room. It was where he had done his homework (even though he had a desk) and practiced his guitar (unless he was in Vegard’s room). It had been his favorite place to daydream and his favorite hiding spot when he was upset. So, it wasn’t too surprising that he had escaped to his room when they got back from the mall.

 

He’d said he was tired and was going to take a nap, which really should have been the most normal thing he could have said, but his mother had become worried and put her hand to his forehead to see if he had a fever. Then she asked him to sit down, so that she could take his temperature properly. He was afraid that she was already thinking about calling their neighbor, Dr. Paulsen, and asking him to come over and do an examination so, when she wouldn’t listen to “no”, he simply left the kitchen and went up to his room. He hadn't meant to upset her, but she was making such a big fuss for no reason.  

 

When he arrived yesterday, he felt a level of comfort that he hadn't felt for a long time. He wasn’t just comfortable in his surroundings, he had begun to feel comfortable in his own skin. He had dared to hope that his old bedroom, his parent’s house, and even Bergen, might be an oasis from all of his troubles. It seemed that, after today, the only oasis that remained was his bedroom. He let his head fall back against the pillow. This had been an awful day. Thinking about it some more, and recalling the nightmare he’d had last night, he realised that the whole oasis idea had been ridiculous. He couldn’t go someplace different and escape his problems, no one could.  

 

A pained expression crossed his face when the memory of his recent panic attack flashed through his mind again.  He scrunched his eyes closed as if he were seeing it replayed in front of him. Bjarte would never look at him the same way again.

 

There was a light rapping on his door and a few seconds later Vegard stuck his head around the corner and peered into the alcove. "Hey. You're awake."

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you feel alright? Mom’s been worried.”

 

“Yeah. I'm just... resting.”

 

“Resting, huh? Care if I join you?”

 

“Ok, sure.” He slid over to make room and Vegard sat down beside him, leaning back against one of the two oversized pillows which Bård had gotten for Christmas years ago. Vegard had teased him about his “giant grandma pillows”, but he hadn't cared. The large eiderdown pillows had made his bed more comfortable than most couches.  

 

"Oh, wow! I didn't know these pillows were this comfortable." Vegard had the same amazed expression that many of his friends had worn when they first leaned against those pillows.

 

“That's because you’ve hardly ever been in my room.”

 

“That's not true.” Vegard fluffed and dented the pillow and leaned back again. “Ahhhh.”

 

“Where did we play music together?” .

 

“Well…”

 

“Or write skits or talk until late into the night?” Bård watched Vegard’s face as he tried to remember. It was odd to think that he was so unaware of that fact, but then it was Vegard. Sometimes he was just off in Vegardland.

 

“I guess it was mostly my room…”

 

“It was _always_ your room.”

 

They sat quietly for a minute before Vegard spoke. “I don’t remember, why didn't we do those things here?”

 

“Because I always had to come into your room if I wanted to do something.” Bård waited as his brother’s expression changed from incredulous to contemplative to recognition.

 

“Well, I would have come in here if you’d told me how comfortable these pillows were.”

 

Bård chuckled.

 

“Really, I never asked you to do anything?”

 

"You were always reading about some plane or doing a science experiment or something."

 

"I think I invited you to do things all the time when we were kids.” Vegard waited for Bård to nod in agreement before continuing. “I’m not sure why that changed. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with you.”

 

“Yeah. I suppose.” Bård started giggling as he added, “You’ve made some seriously bad life choices if you really didn't want to spend time with me.”  

 

Vegard chuckled and gave him a little push.

 

It was comforting that this hadn’t totally changed. They’d had some strained times since “it happened” but still, they could just sit quietly together and be comfortable. The thought of sitting here alone, the lone survivor of the attack, flashed through his mind, causing him to shudder.

 

“You know, you don't have to hide up here.”  

 

“I'm not.”

 

“It wasn't that bad.”

 

Bård sighed. “I know.”

 

Vegard leaned into him. “Hey. It really wasn't.”

 

“Bjarte looked horrified.”

 

“That's ok. He fucked up. He should feel bad.”

 

“He didn't do anything he wouldn't have done a year ago. It would have been fine then.”

 

“That doesn’t make it ok. He knows what happened. It’s not too much to expect him to be considerate.”

 

He turned to look at Vegard. There were little frown lines between his eyebrows. “I think you're just being protective of me.”

 

“So what? I'm your big brother, I'm allowed.” Vegard turned and met his gaze with a smirk on his lips.

 

Bård didn’t know what to say. Right now Vegard looked completely himself. He was kind of afraid to say anything that might ruin it.

 

Vegard leaned into him a little bit. “It wasn't that bad. It was just a little blip.”

 

 _Sure what happened in the bookstore was a blip, but my panic attack was... awful!_ He could only imagine how terrible it must have been for Bjarte. The only bright side was that Vegard didn't seem to know about it. No, he definitely didn’t know. He would have said something if Bjarte had told him. “Yeah, a blip.”

 

"Come on. Let's go downstairs. If you hurry Mom won't call Dr. Paulsen." Vegard tried to look serious, but his poker face slipped and he began to laugh.

 

Against his better judgement Bård began to giggle as well. "That's not that unlikely. Please don't give her any ideas."  

 

Vegard offered him a hand and pulled him to his feet and then gently pushed him toward the doorway. "See? I came to your room and asked you to do something with me."

 

Bård couldn't stop giggling. "This wasn't really what I had in mind."

 

"Move!"

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support! I love to hear from you!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a little silly and a little mushy, but I guess that's what I must have wanted. I hope you enjoy!

Bård woke up shaking. In his half awake state he could still feel the waves and the icy numbness of his hands. He brought his hands to his face and was surprised by their relative warmth. _It was a dream. It was only a dream_. The silent repetition of those words didn’t calm him as much as he would have hoped. The dream seemed to have a dark power of its own.

 

Sitting up, he turned on his lamp. He was in his childhood home, how could he feel anything but safe here? He scooched back and sank into a giant pillow. It was only a dream. There was no reason to be so upset. But every time he had this dream, it hit him the same way, and the only thing that seemed to help was to go back over the dream and try to figure out what he "should have done" to change the outcome. He knew that was irrational, but the dream usually left him too shaken to sleep anyway, and if he could think it through again and bring it to a happy ending, it seemed to ease his anxiety.

 

He ran through multiple scenarios, each one ending with both of them safe and sound, but it didn’t seem to help this time. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Vegard was in danger. He’d seen Vegard go to bed, he wasn’t in the water, he was safe. He knew those things to be fact, but he still felt like he needed to see his big brother. Even at that moment, he could see the humor in his unfounded concerns. _It’s not like he’s going to drown in his bed!_ But, logic never seemed to ease his anxiety, no matter how certain he was of the facts. Seeing Vegard would probably help him to calm down. _It wouldn't hurt to just peek in on him._ He could either debate that fact for another twenty minutes and then get up anyway, or get up now. He decided to save time and just go check on his brother now.

 

As soon as he got out of bed, he began rubbing his arms furiously and quietly cursing. He really had to talk to his parents about turning up the heat! If he wanted to spend his nights shivering and wondering if he’d lose his nose to frostbite, he’d climb Mt. Everest. He smiled to himself and decided to share that with Bjarte in the morning. Vegard would just tell him that the cool air was good for him or some other nonsense. He was already wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt and some flannel pants so he threw on Vegard’s sweatshirt and snuck down the hall to his brother’s room.

 

The door was only partially closed, he pushed it open and saw a mop of black curls, and not much else, the rest of his brother was snuggled deep under his duvet. Bård stood quietly and listened to the slow, regular breathing. Vegard was fine. Everything was fine. He'd known that on one level, but it was comforting to see it for himself.

 

He stood there a little longer. He should leave. What was he, some crazy person who sneaks around in the middle of the night and watches people sleep? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. No, that wasn’t it, he just didn't want to be alone. He wasn’t a crazy stalker creep, he was more like a five-year-old who’d had a bad dream.

 

He really should leave. But the sound of Vegard's breathing was comforting. He sat down just inside the door and leaned against the wall. A couple of minutes, that was all he was going to give himself, and then he'd go back to his own room. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, but he was so cold.  If he were sitting next to the bed, he could sit on the small sheepskin rug and get off of the cold hardwood floor. Trying his best not to disturb his brother, he crept closer to the bed and onto the rug.

 

The sheepskin was soft and warm, and now he could hear Vegard's breathing without straining his ears. He could feel himself relaxing a bit. The warmth of the rug helped, but he was still freezing, he’d have to go back to his room soon and get under the covers. A couple more minutes, he could allow himself that much. Taking another deep breath, he closed his eyes again. At least his brother was safe, he didn't need to worry about that.

 

The next thing he knew, he was curled up on the floor and someone was shaking his shoulder.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Vegard woke up he shivered a little. There was a bit of a draft coming through the window, so he pulled the blankets up around himself and snuggled a little deeper into the warmth of his bed. He could already smell coffee and other enticing scents that were wafting up from the kitchen. Their mother had always been an early riser and especially so on Christmas Eve. He was anxious to get a taste of what she was baking this morning but, even more so, he wanted just a little more sleep. Rolling over toward the wall, he flipped his pillow and enjoyed the smooth cool feeling on his face. As he was about to drift off, he thought he heard an oddly familiar sound. Odd in that he wasn’t expecting it, but familiar in that he’d heard that snore on many, many occasions when he’d travelled for work with Bård. He held his breath and listened, but after several seconds had passed without hearing it again, he decided he must have imagined it.

 

He relaxed and his mind wandered. It was so nice to be home. He’d always loved his bed, it made him feel like he was sleeping on a cloud. And it was nice to wake up to the scent of home. It wasn’t the aroma from the baking - although that was wonderful and brought back memories of so many previous Christmases - it was an altogether different scent which was hard to describe, other than being that of his childhood home.  

 

A soft wheezing  brought him back to the moment. There was no mistaking it this time. He rolled away from the wall and stretched across the other half of the bed so that he could look over the edge. There was Bård, lying on the floor, curled up in what had to be an effort to stay warm.

 

“Bård!"  Vegard reached down and gently shook his brother’s shoulder. "Bård, what are you doing?”

 

In response Bård let out a groan. After another gentle shake he simply said, “I’m tired.”

 

“Why are you on the floor?”

 

Bård’s eyes were still closed. He mumbled an answer, of which Vegard only caught a few words.  “.… stupid dream..........you were still alive.............sleeping in a snow bank.” Finally his eyes opened.

 

Vegard started giggling. “Sleeping in a snow bank? What are you talking about?”

 

The blue eyes looking up at him seemed to be begging for permission to stay.

 

“You could have woken me, you know.”

 

“I didn’t want to bother you. Is it ok?”

 

The question touched Vegard’s heart and he wished he knew how to convince his brother that he wasn't a bother. “Yeah, it’s ok. I’m just… you must be freezing.”

 

Bård didn’t have to answer. He was hugging himself tightly and his fingernails looked a little blue.

 

Vegard chuckled and shook his head.  “How did you even fall asleep down there?”

 

“I don’t know. I really didn't mean to. ”

 

“Get up.”

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

“No. I want you to come here.”

 

Bård stood up. “I’m sorry. I should be done with this whole not sleeping thing.” As soon as those words slipped out, Bård closed his eyes and seemed to brace for a reminder that he had the “remedy” for that problem, he just needed to take them.

 

“Come on.” Vegard was holding his duvet up for Bård. “You can sleep next to the wall.”

 

“Oh. You don’t have to...”

 

“Yes. Come on. The bed is warm, you’re going to get sick that way.”

 

Bård hesitated. His concerns about being a bother to Vegard were written all over his face.

 

Vegard reached out to him with his free hand. “Come on. I don’t mind.” Vegard grasped Bård’s wrist and gently pulled him towards the bed.

 

Being too tired to think of another option, Bård climbed behind his brother and then under the warm duvet and into the already warm part of the bed. As he adjusted to a comfortable position his toes brushed against Vegard’s leg.

 

“Your toes are like icicles!”

 

“Sorry.”

 

"I just wish you’d woken me up." Vegard started chucking again.  "I can't believe you were sleeping there. I mean, even considering your incredible ability to fall asleep almost anywhere.”

 

Bård snuffed out a small laugh, his lips only curling up a bit at the corners.

 

“I’m going to sleep a little longer and then I’ll probably get up. But you can stay here.”

 

Bård's eyes popped back open. He searched Vegard’s face for a few moments before he spoke, but there was a hint of panic in his eyes which spoke volumes. “Will you wake me up before you get up?”

 

“I suppose I could, but you need more sleep.”

 

“No. I’ll get up when you do.” Bård was biting his lower lip.

 

Vegard could almost feel the anxiety that accompanied that statement. “Alright. Don’t worry. I won’t leave the bedroom without waking you up.”

 

There was a small smile in response and a very quiet “ok” before Bård closed his eyes.

 

Vegard continued to watch Bård, even after his breathing evened out again. How long had Bård been lying on the floor? Hours?

 

As soon as Bjarte and Bård had arrived at their family home, Vegard had felt more relaxed and safe, more at peace than he had for weeks. This was home. There were so many good memories associated with this house. Now he realized that he really hadn’t listened to Dr. Thorsen at all.

 

_“... you need to talk to Bård about it. People often find holidays difficult to deal with after a traumatic event. Sometimes they want to do exactly what they’ve always done, but sometimes that is too painful.”_

 

He had just assumed that going home for Christmas would be a good thing for both of them. It honestly hadn’t even occurred to him that Bård’s reluctance to take the trip was anything more than a little anxiety about flying.

 

_“You need to talk to him and make sure you’re on the same page. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about it.”_

 

Even though coming home had felt like a relief to him, Bård’s anxiety knew no borders. How stupid of him to have thought otherwise.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Vegard managed to fall back to sleep for an hour.  When he woke up, he pulled out his iPad and began to read, determined to let his little brother sleep for a while longer. Vegard didn’t really mind, although the scent of cinnamon rolls was becoming difficult to resist.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Vegard looked up and Bjarte was already in the middle of his room. “Shhh…” Vegard pointed to his strange bed partner.

 

“Wait. Why is he there?” Bjarte brought his voice down to a more appropriate level.

 

Vegard sighed and wondered how much he should say. Bjarte was their brother, it should be alright. “Sometimes he has a hard time sleeping, and he has anxiety…” Vegard sighed. “He was sleeping on the floor when I woke up.”

 

“Oh… “

 

“I promised I’d wake him before leaving the room, but he really needs some sleep so…” Vegard waved his hand at himself and his iPad.

 

"He was on the floor?" Bjarte’s expression had changed to one of concern.

 

Vegard nodded.

 

"But why?"

 

"I don't know. He might have had a nightmare. Maybe he couldn't fall asleep at all last night. I'm not sure."

 

Bjarte was quiet, taking in everything his brother was saying, and filling in the blanks for everything he wasn’t saying. Bård had warned him about his panic attacks before they flew home together. And yesterday, after his panic attack, Bård implied that Vegard had witnessed his panic attacks many times. Even so, it was difficult to imagine Bård like this, having trouble sleeping, nightmares, panic attacks. He felt a little overwhelmed. "I'm not sure how to treat him. I didn't mean to upset him yesterday."

 

"I know. But you can't surprise him like that."

 

"I won't do that again. I shouldn't have taken you guys to that mall. It's huge!"

 

"Yeah." Vegard smiled and glanced at Bård. "But he did pretty well. He managed to stay for a long time without a meltdown. He's really improving."

 

"Yeah..." His voice was without conviction. Vegard probably should have noticed, maybe Bjarte had been counting on it, but Vegard's attention wasn't pointed at his youngest brother.

 

"I was afraid he might have a panic attack. I could see that he was uncomfortable, but he really pushed through it."

 

"Has he had a panic attack recently?" Bjarte sort of hoped Vegard would say ‘yes’, so that he wouldn’t feel so guilty about keeping yesterday’s attack a secret.

 

"No. It's been more than two weeks." Vegard rubbed his face and wondered if he should consider the attack Bård had just over two weeks ago to be recent.

 

Bjarte watched the way Vegard looked over at their brother. He could see that Vegard was still worried about Bård. He’d already seen that Vegard was being quite protective of him. Yesterday, when he startled Bård, Vegard didn’t just grab Bård’s arm to steady him, his oldest brother had positioned himself between Bjarte and Bård. In that moment, Bjarte felt like Vegard saw him as a real threat. There was a fierceness in his oldest brother’s eyes that had pierced him to the core.

 

Bjarte was beginning to understand that he hadn’t fully understood the seriousness of the attack when it happened. Maybe it was because he never saw Bård in the hospital or because his family had such a difficult time talking about the attack that they ended up unintentionally glossing over some of the details, or maybe it was because he just hadn’t wanted to believe it. But over the last few days it had become more and more real to him.

 

"He almost died, didn't he?" The question came out as barely a whisper.

 

All at once, tears filled Vegard's eyes. He pictured Bård’s pale, limp body lying motionless in his arms. It wasn't the only time during that whole ordeal that he thought they are going to lose him, but it was still the most vivid.  The other times, which occurred over the next few days, were so colored with shock and disbelief as to be much foggier memories. He supposed it was the brain's way of trying to protect people from such painful thoughts.

 

"He’s alright now… physically… isn’t he?"

 

“Mostly. But, he's still really struggling. That monster really messed with his head."

 

“Is Bård afraid that his attacker will come back?”

 

Vegard nodded. “That’s part of it.” He shrugged and dropped his head into his hands. "He keeps saying that I hate him."

 

"Well that's just dumb. Anyone can see that you don't hate him."

 

"It doesn't seem to matter whether it's true or not."

 

“I don't understand.”

 

“I don't either.” Vegard looked over at Bård again.

 

“Vegard, you're the one he came to when he couldn't sleep. He trusts you.”

 

“Yeah. Sometimes I think that too, but then he says it again. It hurts that he could ever think that, but it almost hurts more to think of how alone he must feel sometimes… if he really thinks that... I don’t know how to convince him…”

 

“I don't think anyone would do a better job of looking out for him.”

 

“Well, I did leave him behind in Oslo. I’m afraid that he’s going to think that confirmed his worst fears.”

 

“Vegard, everyone has their moments. He’s got to understand that.”

 

“I don’t think it’s that simple.”

 

Bjarte pulled his brother into a hug. "It's going to be ok. He loves you, Vegard." Bjarte wasn’t sure what else to say. In a way the words sounded hollow, except he knew they were true.  

 

When Bjarte released him, Vegard sighed and got out of bed. “Would you stay here with him for a minute? I need to… pull myself together.” Vegard was wiping the last tears out of his eyes.

 

“Ok.”  

 

“But don't wake him up. He needs his rest.”

 

Bjarte sat down on the bed, in Vegard’s place, before he'd even exited the room.  

 

Coming back down the hall a very few minutes later,  Vegard  heard some noises coming from his room. Before he got to the door he heard laughter. "What happened to not waking him up?"

 

"Oops?" Bjarte laughed. "Come on Vegard. I flew all the way here from the States to see you two, not to watch you sleep."

 

"Bjarte. Bård needs more..." Bård shook his head slightly, causing Vegard to stop mid sentence.

 

"I'm sorry Vegard, I didn't try to wake him up."  Bjarte’s giggle made his apology sound less than sincere.

 

"No. I'm certain it was all quite by accident." Vegard couldn’t help laughing even though his arms were crossed in a very authoritative way.

 

"It's ok, Vegard.” Bård offered up with a very tired voice.

 

“Yeah, I guess. So... thanks for the help." Vegard pulled Bjarte to his feet and pushed him toward the door.

 

"Hey! You can’t just throw me out of your room.”

 

Vegard continued gently pushing Bjarte until the younger one was out of his room. “Well, the fact that you’re in the hall now seems to contradict that theory.”

 

Before Vegard closed the door, Bjarte stuck his head back into the room. “Aren’t you going to help me, bro?”

 

“Me? I’m probably next on his eviction list.” Bård shook his head and laughed.

 

“Yes. I may need to go shopping for a deadbolt lock this afternoon.” Vegard gave Bjarte one last push and managed to close the door.

 

He and Bård heard, “I’m telling Mom!”, shouted cheerfully as Bjarte went downstairs.

 

They both chuckled, but then Vegard shook his head looking a little irritated. "He woke you up?!"

 

"It's ok."

 

"I had literally just told him not to."

 

“Why did you let him in here?”

 

Vegard was a little surprised by the question. “Let him in? When have you known him to knock?”

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

Bård wasn’t looking at him. Obviously he hadn’t wanted Bjarte to know about his sleep problems.

 

“He understands.”

 

“How could he  possibly understand?” Bård mumbled his reply.

 

Vegard sat on the edge of the bed.  “He’s family.”

 

“I don’t even understand.”

 

“Yeah? Well I do. Give yourself a break.”

 

Bård looked up and sighed. “I’ll try.”

 

"Good. I'm really never getting that sweatshirt back, am I?"

 

"It's looking worse and worse for you." Bård giggled and added, “I probably shouldn’t spoil the surprise, but you’re not getting a new one for Christmas either.”

 

“Oh? None of them were ugly enough?”

 

“No, they weren’t. It’s too bad because they were all so soft and cozy, like this one. You really should get one, I think you’d like it.”

 

“Sounds like I would.”

 

Vegard extended his hand and helped Bård to his feet. Before he knew it Bård was hugging him tightly.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I hope you’re thanking me for letting you sleep here, ‘cause if you’re thanking me for the sweatshirt I think that’s a bit premature.”

 

Vegard was rewarded with a small laugh and one last squeeze before Bård let go and headed toward the door.

 

“You know, Mom wouldn’t care if you slept a little longer.”

 

“And let you and Bjarte eat all the cinnamon rolls? I don’t think so.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

After dinner that evening they each found a chair near the Christmas tree and started passing the presents out. The present opening went slowly with lots of commentary after each present was opened.  When they got to the end of the pile, their mother couldn't help noticing that Bård hadn't received a gift from Vegard.  

 

Bård had noticed, of course, but he had been hoping that no one would say anything.

 

"Vegard." Their mother was trying to pull him into the other room inconspicuously, but she was already upset at the thought of Vegard intentionally forgetting his brother and it showed on her face.

 

"Mom. It’s ok." Bård wished she would just stop.

 

Bård’s quiet plea caught Vegard’s attention. He was sitting next to Bård and still looking at the last present he'd opened. He hadn’t noticed that his brother was biting his lip or that his foot was tapping nervously in a way that was usually reserved for the most stressful sessions with Dr. Thorsen.

 

“I’m tired. I'm going to bed.” Bård spoke so softly that even Vegard almost missed it.

 

“Hey.” Vegard stood up quickly and squeezed Bård 's shoulder, waiting until Bård’s eyes finally met his own. "Wait here. I'll be right back." He spoke quietly. Then, raising his voice a bit he said, “I think I saw something else with a bow on it over here. Where was that now?" and pretended to look around the room. 

 

“I hope it’s a Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.” Bjarte’s comment, and his obvious excitement over a surprise gift, brought a small smile to Bård’s face.

 

“Don’t be silly, Bjarte. He’d shoot his eye out!” Vegard returned from around the corner with a present that was wrapped with no more than a bow. “Here, Bård. I wasn’t sure how to wrap it.”

 

“What?!?” Bård couldn’t make sense of what he was seeing. Vegard was holding a Taylor acoustic guitar.  It was the one he had been eyeing for a couple of years. Bård hadn't been able to justify buying a new one, he already had an acoustic guitar that was quite nice. Of course, that was before "it happened”.

 

"Here. Take it." Vegard was holding it out to him, patiently waiting for him to take it.

 

"I don't understand."

 

               The attack had blown a hole through so much of his life that it would

               probably have been easier to name things that remained unaffected than to

               list those that had changed.  His acoustic guitar had been at the

               auditorium since they’d begun rehearsing there for their stage show.

               It wasn't something they were using in the show, but they’d used it to

               write a couple of songs, and it had been nice to have around when

               they needed a break. The guitar had been sitting in the dressing

               room on the day of the attack.

 

"I got this for you." Vegard smiled and continued to hold the guitar out to his brother.

 

"It's too much."

 

               And now, Bård’s guitar was stuck in storage in the back of his garage, along

               with all the other things that Calle had retrieved from their dressing room a

               few weeks ago. He didn't want any of those things in his house.

 

"No,  it's exactly what you need. I want you to have it."

 

Bård’s eyes filled with tears. "But it's...."

 

               He’d tried to tell Vegard to throw it all away, but he hadn’t quite been able to

               get the words out. It was wrong to throw away clothes and instruments and all

               kinds of other things that were in perfectly good shape, and he had no idea

               how to go about giving those items away.

 

"We need to start playing music again. I don't feel like myself when I haven't played for a while. I don't think you do either."

 

"I… I don’t know what to say."

 

               “Free Clothes, Instruments, and more. Lightly used and mostly unstained from

               violent attack.” No matter how he thought about wording an “ad”, he would

               either end up lying about why they were getting rid of the things or making it

               all too obvious and gory. No wonder Vegard and Calle had just shoved all of

               those things into the back of his garage.

 

"Bård, I want you to have this." Vegard looked a little teary.  

 

"If you don't want it, I'll take it." Bjarte came closer to get a better view.

 

A giggle escaped Bård’s mouth. "Get your own."

 

"Well, if I have to get my own, then it's not a present, is it?" Vegard reached over and goodnaturedly swatted Bjarte’s hand away from Bård’s present.

 

“It’s _not_ your present!”

 

Bård giggled some more and then, looking at Vegard choked out, "Thank you," as he took it in his hands.

 

“You’re welcome.” Vegard sat down and watched and listened as his brother began to play. He couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

A little while later, after everyone had taken a few cookies and a beverage of their choice, they returned to the living room for Bjarte’s performance. The traditional Christmas Eve event had been going on for years, and for the past six or seven of them, Bård and Vegard had insisted that it take place after the opening of the presents. That way they could move chairs out of a circle and into a line, so that everyone might have a good view of the performance.

 

The tradition began many years ago, the year Bård accidentally let the secret slip about Bjarte’s main Christmas present. Bjarte had only been eight at the time, and initially he had been nothing but super excited to find out about his present. However, within half an hour he had begun to feel sad. Sad that he'd somewhat tricked Bård into telling him, sad that he wouldn't have a surprise, and sad that he was going to have to pretend to be surprised when he opened it. As soon as he opened the present he burst into tears and ran out of the room. That whole scene led to the first “performance”, which was somewhat a reenactment of how the secret slipped. Bård had participated that year, trying to explain it as the accident it was, without including any of the details about Bjarte tricking him into thinking that he already knew about the present. Regardless of how they'd gotten to that point,  Bård hated that his little brother was crying - especially on Christmas Eve. In an effort to cheer Bjarte, Bård had embellished the story with nisse and woodland creatures - and Donald Duck - until eventually Bjarte was rolling on the floor unable to stop laughing.  

 

The next year, Bjarte had asked Bård to retell the story. But when Bård and Bjarte’s memories of the story diverged, Bjarte insisted on telling the story himself. Since that Christmas it had become a family tradition for Bjarte to tell the story himself. Every year the story became more and more embellished... and when Bjarte hit his teens, it took on a life of its own, completely straying from the original.

 

Three years ago, most of the story took place at Downton Abbey, with the entire cast of characters being in an uproar because Bjarte's presents had sunk with the Titanic. His brothers were quick to point out that the Titanic had been sailing in the wrong direction to be bringing his presents and that it had sunk at entirely the wrong time of year to cause any sort of panic over his presents at Christmas time,  but he just shushed them and continued on with his story.

 

Last year had been an epic retelling of the story, with the Benedict Cumberbatch version of Sherlock Holmes searching for the reason Bjarte’s stupid brother would carelessly spoil his Christmas surprise. Bjarte made such a big deal about which version of Sherlock was the star of his little drama that Bård, in mock upset over being called stupid, kept insisting loudly that he was imagining Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock no matter what Bjarte said. When the story dragged to a stop over the issue, their mother asked Bård to “please stop thinking about Robert Downey Jr.” That request struck Bård as so absurd that it sent him into a giggling fit. When he'd mostly stopped laughing and Bjarte had started the story from where he'd left off, Bård leaned over and whispered to Vegard that he was going to picture him as Sherlock for the rest of the story which led to them whispering and giggling through most of the rest of the performance.

 

This night’s version of the story began quite awkwardly. Bård could tell right away that Bjarte was afraid of saying anything that might upset him. He hated the thought that the attack was going to ruin this for his family as well. He began throwing out suggestions for characters to spice up the story. Vegard quickly joined in and before long even their mother and father were shouting out names of characters and other ideas.

 

Finally, Bård offered the idea that  Bjarte’s story should take place in every Tom Hanks movie imaginable. Bjarte rejected that idea but when Bård looked disappointed agreed to base it off of three Tom Hanks movies and to let Bård choose which ones. Bård chose Castaway, Captain Phillips and Forrest Gump, saying that they shared a nautical theme.

 

In no time Bjarte was on a roll. His presents had been lost at sea when a FedEx plane filled with his presents, and only his presents, had mysteriously crashed off the coast of Louisiana. Captain Phillips was hired to find Bjarte’s presents, but his ship was overtaken by pirates who decided that they wanted to find the presents for themselves. The good thing was that these pirates were more of the Pirates of the Caribbean variety, so after much rum was consumed by all characters involved,  the pirates and Captain Phillips started playing poker and forgot about looking for the presents. Eventually Forrest Gump and his trained attack shrimp had to save the day… and Christmas. They found all of Bjarte’s presents including a giant stock pot and then everyone sat down to a cajun shrimp boil. Everyone except for Forrest Gump, who spent most of the evening trying to figure out why his trained shrimp had disappeared.

 

“The End.” Bjarte took a deep bow to a standing ovation by his appreciative audience.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Vegard brushed his teeth, thinking about how this evening had gone. The food had been wonderful, as it always was on Christmas Eve. It may have been even a little better this year, probably because he appreciated it more. The presents had long ago become less of the focus than their time together, still they usually tried to find something that was meaningful, that acknowledged their relationships or their understanding of the other person. He was so happy with Bård’s reaction to his gift. He knew he couldn’t convince Bård that they were ok by spending a lot of money on him, but giving Bård a guitar wasn’t about spending a lot of money, it was more about their bond through music, and it was something he truly thought would help Bård with his recovery.

 

Bård’s gift to him crossed his mind again. They often got each other small things, and of course they hadn’t had much time to shop, but somehow he felt like he’d wanted more. He shook his head. He was being sort of childish, he wasn’t even sure what he would have wanted that would have made him feel more satisfied.

 

Sighing he turned off the bathroom light and crept across the hall to his bedroom. It crossed his mind that maybe he should check to see if Bård was asleep. He really didn’t want to wake up to the sound of Bård’s snores coming from his bedroom floor. No, Bård was an adult and Dr. Thorsen had been encouraging him to step back and let his brother do more things for himself. It sucked because even before “it happened” he probably looked out for his little brother more than was strictly necessary, so now he had to measure every urge with the question “would I have done this before he was attacked?” Honestly, sometimes he just didn’t know.

 

He turned on his bedside lamp and plugged in his phone charger. Getting under the covers, he fluffed up his pillows and sat back, excited to look at _Pilot_ magazine before going to sleep. He knew it was kind of silly, but he always felt like a little kid when he got a copy of that magazine, and now that would happen once a month. Immediately, he regretted his earlier thoughts about Bård’s gift. It really had been pretty thoughtful. He looked over at the book sitting on his nightstand. _The Proctologist’s Wife_. He rolled his eyes and chuckled. Vegard had to wonder if Bård had looked any closer at the book than its humorous title. Setting the magazine down on his duvet, he picked up the book to take another look. Something fell out and fluttered to the floor as he was turning to the first chapter. Curiously, he climbed back out of his bed to retrieve it. It was a note. He immediately recognized Bård’s handwriting and he sat on the edge of the bed to read it.

 

_V -_

_I’m sorry about your gift. I know it kinda sucks, I guess I cracked under the pressure. I don’t think that there is anything that would have been quite right though. There is nothing I could give you that would say: “Thanks for saving my life, and for coping with the endless stream of crazy since then.” I know I’ve put you through a lot, I don’t know how you’ve been able to put up with me since ~~it happened~~ the attack, but I’m thankful that you did, ‘cause I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without you._

_I already knew that I was lucky to have you as my big brother, but that’s never been more true than now._

_Merry Christmas. B_

 

Vegard’s eyes blurred as he read it. Then he noticed a postscript at the bottom of the page.

 

_P.S. - Please don’t show this to Bjarte or I’ll never hear the end of it._

 

Vegard chuckled to himself and climbed back into his bed. When he'd pulled his covers up around himself, he leaned back into his pillows and sighed, and then began reading Bård's note one more time.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Merry Christmas to you all!


	24. Chapter 24

_Monday, Jan 5th, 2015   _

_Days since Attack: 86_

_  
Dr. T thinks writing in this journal will help me to "work through" some_

_things. I don't know. It seems like a scam to me. He probably doesn’t_

_know what_ _to do with me anymore and is hoping that I can figure it_

 _out myself. I don't even know what to write about._ _Dr. T said I could_

_write about anything that's on my mind, even my grocery list, as long_

_as I keep writing something for at least half an hour. So, here goes:_

 

_eggs_

_bananas_

_breakfast cereal for Bjarte_

 

_Mom and Dad and Bjarte came back with us for New Years. Mom and_

_Dad are staying at Vegard's house, but Bjarte is hanging out with V_

_and me here. The first thing Mom said when she saw my house was_ _,_

 _"What?! You've been making your brother sleep on the couch_ _!?!” She_

 _was laughing, but it was obvious that she_   _wasn’t going to allow it,_

_not even when I told her that I was the one who was sleeping on the_

_couch now. Before I realized what was happening we were at_

_IKEA buying two beds, because apparently I need to have a_

_"proper place"_ _for Bjarte to sleep when he visits. So, now there’s_

_a full-sized bed filling up my office and a new futon jammed into my_

_music room._

 

_I guess I should have understood the bed thing for what it was,_

_Bjarte is_ _going_ _t_ _o stay with us “for a while.” He says that he needs a_

 _break from school,_ _but_ _that’s a load of crap. I’m pretty sure Mom had_

 _something to do with his_ _sudden change of plans._

 

_Mom and Dad went home today. Vegard drove them to the airport. I_

_wanted_ _to go with them, but Mom insisted that I shouldn’t miss my_

 _appointment, so they dropped me off on the way_ _. As soon as we got_

 _to Dr. Thorsen’s office,_ _Mom started to cry. We’d already said our_

_goodbyes at the house, but she got out of the car to give me another_

_hug. I wanted to tell her that it was_ _going to be alright but I couldn’t_

 _f_ _ind my voice. I managed to say “I love you”_ _before she let go, my_

 _voice shook and I’m sure my eyes looked red, but it made her smile_ _._

 _Thinking I’d done pretty well and that I'd gotten through the worst_ _of_

 _it, I turned to Dad_ _. He had tears in his eyes. He pulled me into a big_

 _hug_ _and my guard fell down, along with more than a few tears._

 

_Friday, Jan 15th, 2015   _

_Days since Attack: 96_

_I had the dream again last night. It always seems so real. The_

_sensation of the cold water, sloshing over the sides of the_

_boat onto our clothes and into our shoes, was so intense that when I_

_woke up I was somewhat confused that my clothes weren't wet._ _This_

 _time I woke up before he_ _drowned, before he even fell in. I_ _must_

 _have been shouting in my sleep_ _because Bjarte came into my room_

_soon after I woke up. I felt so awkward. It's been bad enough when_

_V has had to calm me down, but Bjarte is my baby brother, he_

_shouldn’t have to do that._

 

_I asked him to get me some water, mostly so that I could have a minute_

_to_ _myself. When he came back he tried to get me to talk_ _about the_

_dream, but I really didn't want to. I tried to convince him that I wasn't_

_upset anymore. But I must_ _have looked crazy-eyed or like_ _a_ _painting_

 _by Munch or something_ _because he would not drop it._

 

_Eventually I told him a little bit about the dream, hoping that it would_

_satisfy him and he’d drop the subject. As he was leaving he said,_

_“Sleep well,” and I made the mistake of saying, “Not likely.” V must_

_have told him about the sleeping pills because he immediately went_

_into a whole song and dance about how I need to take them and_

_how much better I would feel if I did. What the fuck? I don’t_

_remember him going to med school recently, but he sure seems to_

_think he could fix me. I said I would think about it, just to make him_

_shut up and then I asked him not to mention it to Vegard. I_

_don’t tell V about the dreams anymore. He always gets_

_so worked up when I worry about him._

 

_So, what did Bjarte do? First thing this morning, he made a point of telling_

_Vegard. I swear to god, it was as if he was doing it to spite me. Idiot! I_

_don’t know what good he thought he was going to accomplish by that._

_V got all upset. He told me that he could take care of himself and that_

_I needed to stop worrying about him. We got into a shouting match_

_that ended with me slamming my bedroom door. Asshole! I can’t_

_control what I dream. If I could I would NOT be having that shitty_

_dream every fucking night!_

 

_When I got up the nerve to come out of my room and face them, Bjarte_

_was alone. He told me that Vegard had left in a huff. I could see that_

_he was worried about Vegard, but that didn't stop me from telling him_

_that it would_ _be his own_ _fucking fault if anything happened to V._

 

 _I wish I hadn't said that. It_ _s_ _almost 10 pm and Vegard’s still not home._

 _I couldn't watch_ _Bjarte pretending to play a video game on my laptop_

 _any longer, so I took refuge_ _in my bedroom._

 

_I hate this. I hate how fucked up everything is._

_Vegard came back a little while ago._ _He apologized and agreed with_

_me that he had been a complete idiot. He kind of took the fun out of_

_yelling at him by being so agreeable. Asshole._

_I'm glad he's alright._

 

_Sunday, Jan 25, 2015_

_Days since Attack: 106_

_Sleeping pills: 5_

_I’ve been taking the sleeping pill again for the past five days. I have to_

_admit I feel better in the daytime, once the grogginess wears off. I_

_have more energy and less wacky thoughts. It’s the evenings that are_

_hardest, as the minutes tick down to when I’m about to take the pill,_

_the feeling of dread grows. I tried to talk to Vegard about that tonight_

_but he wouldn’t even discuss it. He wants me to take the pills_

_regardless._ _Before I’d said more than two words he frickin’ blew up_

_at me. He said I should “at least try to get better.”_

 

_What the fuck? Like I’m not trying?!?_

_I tried to talk to Bjarte about it, but he wouldn’t listen either. He just_

_kept saying that I “seem more rested”, as if that was all there was to_

_it. He doesn’t understand what I went through. What Vegard and I_

_went through._

_What if that monster comes back? Sometimes I feel like he’s right_

_around the corner, as if at any moment my whole life could come_

_crashing down. I thought Vegard would understand. I thought Bjarte_

_would at least listen. But I can’t talk to either of them about it._

_I just got off the phone with Calle. He offered to come over, but then_

_Vegard would have stuck his nose into the conversation, and I already_

_know what thinks. It just felt good to talk to someone who was_

_actually listening. I know he thinks I need to be on these pills too, but_

_at least he lets me talk. He told me that I need to trust the people who_

_love me, they are just looking out for me. I suppose he’s right. I just_

_wish that they’d listen to me too._

_I feel so off balance right now. Vegard has always been here for me,_

_whenever I’ve needed him, my whole life. But now, when I really need_

_him, it’s like he's somewhere else. I know he's messed up too. I'm not_

_so completely self-centered that I don't get that. I just miss him. And_

_I_  ' _m worry about him. Dr. T keeps telling me that I’m not supposed to_

_worry about Vegard. In fact, I’m considering getting, “Just worry about_

_yourself, Bård,” tattooed onto my forehead. I_ _wonder what kind of_

_fucking family life Dr. Thorsen has if he only worries about..._

 

***

 

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s alright, Bård. Keep reading.” Dr. Thorsen sat in his chair looking relaxed, holding his glasses in his hand. He hadn’t been taking any notes since Bård had begun reading from his journal.

 

“I didn’t know you’d ever see this... or hear it.”

 

“I know, Bård. And I told you, you don’t have to do this. I just thought it might help. I’m not offended, but you can choose a different entry if you’re uncomfortable. Just read the parts that you feel comfortable sharing.”

 

“Ok. Let’s see…. ‘I wonder what kind of … of family life Dr. Thorsen has if he only worries about himself.’ ” Bård glanced up at Dr. Thorsen, and seeing no change in the doctor’s expression, he continued. “Besides, if writing a stupid grocery list is allowed, why can’t I write about Vegard? I just think he’s….’”

 

***

 

_.... getting worse again. Going home to Bergen seemed to help him so_

_much. He seemed so relaxed and himself while we were there. Now the_

_anger’s back. Not all the time, but it seems to be just under the surface_

_and you never know what might set him off. Today he snapped at Else_

_at the cafe because she gave him the wrong order. She started crying_

_and the girl that was working with her had to finish our order._

 

_Saturday, Feb 7, 2015_

_Attack: 119_

_Sleeping pill: 18_

_I still wake up with a knot in my stomach on Saturdays. Sometimes I_

_can hear the radio on in the other room and the DJ chatting away like_

_nothing has changed. The same DJ I listened to that Saturday morning._

_I lie in bed and try to imagine what my life would be like if it hadn’t_

_happened, if I hadn’t fucked everything up._ _What if today was that_

 _Saturday_ _and I could relive it, I could_ _change it?_

_And then I lie there a little longer, and try to block all that from my_

_mind,_   _because I’ll never be able to change it. Not ever._

_This morning when I finally forced myself out of bed, I went into the_

_kitchen for a glass of water. Vegard was in there, making breakfast_

_f_ _or everyone. All I wanted was water. My stomach was still churning_

_because it’s fucking Saturday and I couldn’t handle anything else._

_I told him that I couldn’t eat right now, that I felt sick, and then I_

_took my water and headed out of the kitchen because the smell alone_

_was making me nauseous. I heard him say something under his_

_breath and then suddenly a plate of food came flying past my_

_head. It splattered all over the wall._

_I’m not sure what happened after that because I went to my room._

_And then, I just started crying. I couldn’t seem to help it. I could_

_hear Vegard arguing with Bjarte. Before long they were both_

_shouting. And I knew it was all my fault. I probably should have_

_gone back out. Poor Bjarte. He didn’t deserve to be yelled at like_

_t_ _hat. But I stayed in my room like the loser I am._

_I heard Vegard say, “He might as well have died, because he’s_

_not here anymore.”_

 

***

 

He felt his throat tighten. That had been over three months ago, why did it still feel like such a fresh wound? Probably because of what had happened since then.

 

Dr. Thorsen moved the box of tissues closer to Bård. "You know he didn't mean that."

 

Bård declined the tissues with a shake of his head. No matter what he was not going to cry.

 

“He worries about you. And not eating has often been one of the first indicators that you’re slipping a little.”

 

“I know. I didn’t mean to make him worry.”

 

“Bård, I think it’s important that you don’t feel guilty about this. You are not responsible for how your brother is feeling.”

 

“But you said he worries about me. If I could just be more well-adjusted, he wouldn’t worry. He’d feel better.”

 

“That over simplifies it. I told you that he worries, not to make you feel guilty but to help you understand that his actions were more about his fears than about him being angry with you. He doesn’t blame you for this.”

 

“But if I had just eaten something…”

 

“No. His concerns would still be there. They’re his. They’re part of what he needs to work on. You can’t control how your brother is feeling.”

 

Bård sighed. In theory, he could understand that. It sounded true enough. But in practice, in his life, it was more difficult to accept. “I guess.”

 

“Why don’t you keep reading?”

 

***

 

_After a while, I heard a knock on my door. It was Vegard. He apologized_

_for throwing the plate. I'm not sure if Bjarte forced him to come talk to_

_me. I_ _think so. I told him that Saturdays were especially hard for me. I_

 _felt_ _like he was listening. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just what you do_

 _when_ _you’re talking with a crazy person._

 

***

 

“Is that what you really think?”

 

“What?”

 

“That you’re crazy? You say things like that a lot.”

 

“I don’t know.” Bård closed his eyes and tried to relax. Of course he thought he was crazy. Why else would he be there? “Isn’t that why I come here each week?”

 

Dr. Thorsen smiled. “You know that’s not true. You are not crazy, in fact if you didn’t have any issues after what happened to you, that might be a little abnormal, or ‘crazy’ as you say. What you’re going through is to be expected and, I know you don’t see it but, you _are_ improving.”

 

“I don’t feel like I’m improving.” Bård wondered if he should say more. He often wished he could just convince Dr. Thorsen that everything was great so he could stop having these sessions. But, deep down he realized that talking to Dr. Thorsen did help. Besides, he liked that fact that Dr. Thorsen had to keep whatever he said confidential. “Sometimes I feel like I’m getting angrier.”

 

“I know.” The psychiatrist was nodding thoughtfully. “But that is a part of the healing process. Don’t be afraid of it, don’t try to stifle it. Within reason, anger is a reasonable response.”

 

“How does throwing a plate at your brother’s head rate?” Bård raised his eyebrow quizzically.

 

Dr. Thorsen hand rose to his mouth as he tried to contain a chuckle. “That’s a bit outside of reasonable. But, I’m guessing, he wasn’t really aiming at your head.”

 

“Yeah. Maybe. He’s not a very good aim, it’s really hard to tell.”

 

Against his will, Dr. Thorsen snorted. When he had composed himself, he continued, “That was funny, but I’m not going to let you distract us from why we’re here.”

 

From the beginning, Dr. Thorsen had seemed to make a point of not laughing at any of Bård's comments, which sometimes resulted in Bård focusing a little more of his attention on trying to make the doctor laugh. He was a professional, after all. Therefore, Bård couldn’t help but feel a little pleased in this departure from decorum. 

 

He looked down at his journal and began to look for another entry to share. “Alright, but that wasn’t even a joke. He really is a terrible aim.”

 

Dr. Thorsen smiled. “Let’s keep reading.”

 

 

***

  _Sunday, Feb 22, 2015_

_Attack: 134_

_Sleeping pill: 33_

_Meltdown: 15_

_It’s been over two weeks since I last broke down and cried. That day,_

_the day Vegard threw the plate at me, was such a bad day. But I’m_

_determined not to be so needy and weak anymore. I’ve told myself_

_that before, but I feel like I’m actually holding it together now._

_Bjarte and I have started to play music together every day. We always_

_invite V to join us, but he has been taking long walks every morning._

_The walks seem to help him. He always looks a little less stressed_

_afterwards, so I haven’t really wanted to interfere with that. But I was_

_happy when he came back early today and joined us._

_We were in the middle of a song when I noticed him peeking around_

_the_ _doorway with a silly grin on his face. I don't know how to describe_

 _making music with Vegard._ _I’d almost forgotten just how in sync_

 _Vegard and I could be. I used to_ _take it for granted, but it’s an amazing_

 _feeling. And, f_ _or a little while, I almost felt normal. I completely_

 

_forgot about everything else. Every time we finished a song, Bjarte_

_had some silly remark that made us giggle. In fact, we may have_

_spent more time laughing than actually playing._

_I wish every day could be like today. Maybe it could, if I could feel_

_better about getting back on stage we could start writing new material._

_I don’t know. I want that, I really do, but then I think of rehearsing_

_and that day and I’m not sure if I can do it yet._

 

_Monday, Mar 2, 2015_

_Attack: 142_

_Sleeping pill: 41_

_Meltdown: 23_

_Last week when I talked to the lead detective on my case all I could_

_t_ _hink is that it's completely hopeless now._ _By the time we said 'goodbye'_

 _I was sitting_ _on the kitchen floor with my head between my knees._

_I was close to losing it, but I didn't. V was at_ _his session and Bjarte was_

 _out getting_ _groceries, so at least no one had to witness me unraveling._

 _I’d_ _managed to get my shit somewhat together before either of them_

 _got_ _home. I am determined not to dump on my brothers anymore,_

_especially Vegard. He’s got enough of his own stuff._

 

_Today when I met with Dr. T, I told him about the call and about how_

_impossibly stuck they are. I feel like there must be something more_

_that I could do. He said, "Finding the attacker is not your job, that is_

_for the police to worry about. Your job is to feel better." What a load of_

_crap. I’m the one who was with that maniac for an hour. I’m the one_

_who heard him talking, I’m the one who needs to step up and give the_

_police something to work with.  Why don’t I remember more?_ _So I told_

_Dr.T that I thought we should try hypnotherapy. Maybe it would all_

_come back to me. Maybe I heard something that_ _would be of use_ _._

_But Dr. T said that I'm not ready for that yet._

 

***

 

Bård looked up from the page. He hesitated to ask, but it really was something he wanted to do. “What about hypnotherapy? That was more than two months ago. Am I ready for that now?”

 

“I told you, I’m not a big proponent of that. There is always a chance that false memories could be created. It’s just not all that effective.”

 

Bård sighed and closed his eyes. “But when I asked you before, you said I wasn’t ready for it. So you must do it sometimes.”

 

“You’ve been going through some more difficult times of late, I don’t think it would be good to try that now. And you have started to remember a few things. Our brains block out memories like that for a reason, to protect us. As you’re ready, more will come back to you.”

 

“But it’ll be too late. How are they ever going to find him? Even now, it’s feels too late. When my brain finally gets around to telling me more… it won’t matter. I want to help, I don’t want to always feel like I’m tied-up and helpless on that daybed.”

 

“I know. It’s frustrating. But I’m here to help you and I’m telling you that hypnotherapy might do more harm than good.”

 

Sighing, Bård flipped through a few more pages of the journal. Seeing the first few words of the entry that he'd randomly landed on, he smiled.

 

***

 

_Friday, Mar 13, 2015_

_Attack: 153_

_Sleeping pill: 52_

_Meltdown: 34_

_Vegard and I wrote a new song today. I’m kind of excited about it. We_

_already know what we want to do with the video. V told me that_

_Stargate is willing to work with us on some more songs. Apparently,_

_they called him in January. He said he hadn’t mentioned it because_

_he didn’t want to pressure me. That sort of annoyed me. I told him_

_that I'm not so_ _fragile that he can't mention a phone call from Stargate._

_But, when I thought about it, I realized that he was right. I would have_

_felt pressured. So, a_ _few minutes ago, when we said good night, I_

 _thanked him for_ _protecting me. Of course, he got all_ _embarrassed_

_and said that I don’t need to thank him. And then Bjarte_

_told him not to get any ideas, he still didn’t want Vegard to be_

_protecting him. And pretty soon Vegard and Bjarte were on the floor_

_wrestling and V had the little smart aleck pinned to the floor._

_I hope Vegard knows that I really did mean it, though._

_Saturday, Mar 21, 2015_

_Attack: 161_

_Sleeping pill: 60_

_Meltdown: 42_

_Today was my birthday. I had been kind of dreading it. Last year at this_

_time, everything was so different. We had so many offers because of_

_The Fox. And we had our show. And now…_

_I really wanted to pull the duvet back over my head and just hide_

_under it for the rest of the day._

_I heard my brothers clanking around in the kitchen. Sometimes I think_

_they forget that my bedroom is on the other side of the kitchen wall._

_I was about to get up and tell them to “shut the fuck up” when I heard_

_the door slowly open and those two idiots giggling together. I kept my_

_eyes closed and pretended to be asleep. I was going to pop up and_

_surprise them both, but before I got a chance Bjarte launched himself_

_onto me and began bouncing on the bed._ _Vegard was giggling and at_

 _the same time trying to tell Bjarte that he_ _shouldn't scare me. The_

 _whole thing was so ridiculous that I burst out_ _laughing._

_Later, they decided to take me out for lunch._ _V suggested going to_

 _Lofoten. He obviously wants me to get over my a_ _version to the place._

 _The last time we went it was alright. It's just hard_ _to forget about the_

 _time I ran out of there. I know I need to just get_ _over it._

_I'm not even sure if I ever agreed to the place but soon we were in the_

_car and on our way. As we looked for a parking space, I began to feel_

_panicky. I really wanted to ask Vegard to take me home. If Bjarte hadn't_

_been with us, I probably would have. I know V could see it on my face._

_When he stopped the car, he reached over to squeeze my wrist and said,_

_" You love eating here." I don't know, I'm not explaining it well,_ _but it_

 _meant a lot to me. Not only was it comforting,_ _but it made me feel like_

_maybe he still understands me. He knew what I needed to_

_hear and that felt good and normal. It was like I had my big brother_

_back. I've really missed him._

_Lunch went well. Bjarte must have seen that I was uncomfortable, he_

_kept making jokes to distract me. At one point the waiter came over_

_to our table and I thought he was going to tell us to keep it down_

_because our laughter had gotten pretty out of hand. Instead, he_

_brought over a complimentary bottle of wine for my birthday. I guess_

_they really aren’t mad at me for freaking out in their restaurant a few_

_months ago._

_When we got home, Vegard and Bjarte gave me my presents - two_

_remote controlled planes. I understood right away that one of the_

_planes_ _was more a present for the two of them, but they said_

 _that I’d have more fun if there were two planes. Which_ _turned_ _out_

 _t_ _o be true._

_Overall, my birthday didn’t totally suck._

 

***

 

“It didn’t totally suck? I thought it sounded like you had a pretty good day.” Dr. Thorsen looked a little confused.

 

“Yeah, I did. It’s just that Bjarte was reading over my shoulder right then.” Bård giggled at the memory.

 

“Oh, I see.” Dr. Thorsen smiled

 

***

 

_Friday, Mar 27, 2015_

_Attack: 167_

_Sleeping pill: 66_

_Meltdown: 48_

_I just got off the phone with Mom._ _I told her about the_

_meeting we have coming up with TVNorge. She asked me if I was ready_

_for that. I know she worries, I suppose most moms do, but I was_

_surprised that she’d even ask that. Anyway, I told her that I was ready_

_and I told her about the songs we’ve written so far. It was good to hear_

_her laughing._

_I’m excited for Bjarte. He signed up for summer classes. It's not that_

_I want him to leave,_ _I really like having him here, but I know he wants_

_to get back to school. It seems like everything is getting better, even_

_V seems less stressed out recently._

_Calle is here tonight. I can hear him laughing out in the living room._

_I think he’s pretty excited about us starting the show up again too. It’s_

_nice to be making my friends and family happy for a change. I can't_

_write more, they’re calling me._

 

_Tuesday, Apr 7, 2015_

_Attack: 178_

_Sleeping pill: 77_

_Meltdown: 59_

_I have to do this quickly, Calle and Magnus and V want me to come_

_back to the kitchen and hang out with them._

 

_My stomach hurts from laughing so much today. I suppose my neck_

_will hurt tomorrow, but I don’t care. I’m actually getting excited about_

_meeting with TV Norge next week. We already have so much written,_

_and so many more ideas._

_I know I should journal more, but I kind of want to get back to the_

_guys. That’s healthy, right?_

 

***

 

Bård turned the page and hesitated. 

 

"What is it Bård?"

 

"It's ahhh the day we met with TVNorge."

 

"It might be good to talk about that."

 

He looked up at the doctor. This was going to be painful. With a small nod, he began.

 

***

 

_Thursday, Apr 16, 2015_

_Attack: 187_

_Sleeping pill: 86_

_Meltdown: 68_

 

_TVNorge dropped our show today._

_We went in for our meeting today with sketch ideas and 3 songs_

_already written. We had 2 more songs nearly completed and an idea_

_for an eight week series. But then, they wanted us to start right away._

_They wanted us to be on the air by the end of September. We knew_

_they’d want a commitment, but we thought they’d let us start next_

_spring, or at least not until December. It takes us a while to get all_

_that material ready. But they weren’t willing to compromise at all. That_

_asshole, Jakob, was in charge of the meeting. Tor was also there,_

_and Brigitte, but Jakob was definitely in charge. He wanted us to_

_premier on September 29th._

_I felt like they were staring at me, waiting for an answer, and I couldn’t_

_seem to get the words out. I hadn’t prepared myself for that. It felt too_

_soon. Much too soon. I wanted to say “yes.” For Calle_ _and Magnus and_

_everyone on our staff. And especially for V. Shit. After all the things_

_he's done for me, and I couldn't even._ _Vegard looked over_ _at me_

_and I could see that he knew. I wasn't ready. Not for that._

_He took over and explained again that it takes more time. We want our_

_show to be as good as it can be and that takes time. I was listening to_

_him talking and even though it was all true, I knew that he would have_

_said “yes” if it had been up to him. So, yet again, I’ve let him down._

_Jakob cut him off pretty quickly. He was completely uninterested in_

_giving us more time. He said, “The window to your relevancy is closing.”_

_Without any more discussion, he ended the meeting. He told us that_

_when we're ready, we can “revisit” the idea. But V and I both knew_

_exactly what that meant. No more show._

_We didn't say anything to each other as we walked out to parking lot._

_Vegard got in the car and just started to freak out. He was hitting the_

_steering wheel and screaming about how stupid it was and how they_

_could go fuck themselves. I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't_

_listen._

_He drove so fast on the way home that I was actually a little scared_ _._

_It was so unlike him. He still hadn't said a word to me when we got_

_t_ _o my house, unless you count all the screaming and swearing._

 

_I tried to talk to him. I told him that I knew I should have agreed to_

_their timeline and I offered t_ _o call Jakob and grovel a bit. I know I'm_

 _t_ _he one who has to fix it. But V just_ _shook his head._

 

_I didn’t know what else to say. I thought, maybe if_

_we went inside and made some tea or something, and just took a_

_breather, that we might be able to talk_ _. But instead, once I had_

 _closed the car door, he started the car and drove off_ _._

  _All I can think about is that I should have told him to go ahead and do_

 _the show with Calle. I have no doubt that they could do a great show_ _._

 _Maybe I could work behind the_ _scenes, or something. I should have_

 _suggested that a long time ago, but_ _I didn’t want to give up Ylvis._

 

 _The worst part is that he won’t answer his phone._ _It’s_ _already_

 _11:30 pm and he hasn't even called. I really need to know_ _that_

_he’s alright._

 

 _I couldn’t stand it anymore so I called Calle and asked_ _him to_

_come over. Bjarte was a little put out that I needed someone_

_else here. I guess, I shouldn’t be surprised that I've disappointed him,_

_too. Calle sat with me on the front steps for a while. He didn’t tell me_

_that Vegard was fine, which I appreciated because we really didn’t_

_know. He just said that he’d stay with me until Vegard came back._

_When Vegard came back it was already after 12:30 am. He apologized_

_for not answering his phone, he said he just needed to let off some_

_steam. Of course, he added that he doesn't blame me, but who does he_

_think he's kidding? It’s my fault. Who else is he going to be mad at?_

_I’m so glad he’s back and safe, but I can't talk to him right now._ _I_

_guess he and Calle are talking now. I hope they can forgive me._

 

_Saturday, Apr 25, 2015  _

_Attack: 196_

_Sleeping pill: 95..._

***

"Whoa. Aren't we going to talk about that?"

 

Bård stared numbly at the pages on his lap. "I don't know if I can."

 

"That's alright. We don't have to talk about it today."

 

Feeling a little shakey, he began to read where he'd left off.

 

***

 

_Meltdown: 77_

_TVNorge: 9_

_It's been over a week since the debacle at TVNorge. Over a week of  
_

_sullen silence and slamming doors. We haven't even properly talked_

_about what happened. I don't know... maybe he's just done with Ylvis,_

_done with show biz, done with me. I guess I wouldn't blame him_ _._

_I wish he'd say something, I need to know what he's thinking._

_But I'm also afraid of what he's going to say. It doesn't matter though,_

_I won't stand in his way, I just don't want to lose my brother._

***

  

“I think you're misunderstanding this. I doubt very much that Vegard is angry at you.”

 

“Maybe not, but it feels like it when he says, 'At least try to get better.’ ”

 

“He’s said that more than once?”

 

Nodding, Bård looked away from the doctor. It always embarrassed him to say anything about his brother that wasn’t positive. Vegard was a great brother. He should be able to say some crappy things sometimes. He was human, after all.

 

“Do you want to read more from that day?”

 

“That’s all I wrote. Lucky you.”

 

“Are you alright? Do you need to stop?”

 

“I’m fine.” He couldn't believe those words had slipped out of his mouth. He was the complete opposite of "fine."

 

“Would you be willing to read your entry from the day he left?”

 

***

_Thursday, May 7, 2015_

_Attack: 208_

_Sleeping pill:_

_Meltdown: 89_

_TVNorge: 21_

 

_I don’t know what happened. V kinda blew up at Bjarte and they_

_started arguing. I asked them to stop and Vegard told me to "shut up."_

_I don't know how to deal with him when he's like this, it's like he's_

_someone else._

 

_Bjarte asked Vegard if he'd be happier living in his own house, and_

_then Vegard turned to me and said, “What about you?_

_Do you think I should go back to my own house, too?”_

_I didn’t know what to say. Vegard's been so upset_ _since our_

_meeting with TVNorge. He doesn’t even try to hide his anger_

_anymore. I don’t know how to help him. He won’t talk to me about_

_how he’s feeling, or even admit that anything’s wrong. I thought he_

_might feel better if he could get away from me. So, I said it was up_

_to him._

_I didn’t want him to leave, but I think he took it that way._

_So, he walked out. He didn’t even take his stuff. He just grabbed his_

_jacket and slammed the door._

***

 

Bård stared at the page. Reading that journal entry made him feel like it had just happened. He leaned his head on his hand and took a shaky breath.

 

“Is there more?”

 

He shook his head and eventually choked out, “No.”

 

“I know this happened a couple of weeks ago, but I’m still not sure if I understand. Did Bjarte really want him out of the house?”

 

He shrugged. “No, I don’t think so. Up until then they were… oh, I don’t know. It’s been stressful but… I don’t think that he thought Vegard would leave.”

 

“Have you spoken to Vegard about this?”

 

“I’ve tried. He’s just… he’s so angry.”

 

“He’s not angry at you.”

 

A choked huff was his only response. “Yeah, he is. He barely talks to me.”

 

“He may be taking it out on you, but I don’t think he’s angry at you, or Bjarte for that matter.”

 

That didn’t really square with everything that had been happening the last couple of weeks. Bård choked out a response. “Isn’t there something I can do for him?”

 

“To fix his anger? I don’t think so. You can be supportive, and I know you’re doing that, and beyond that you just need to let him be. Let him be mad. He seems to need that. He needs to get it out somehow.”

 

“Let him be? Don’t call him?”

 

“No, that’s not what I mean. Just don’t pressure him about his anger. It would be better for you both if you could accept how he is right now. Not that we don’t want better for him, but…”

 

Was that it? Had he been pressuring Vegard? He felt like there was some truth in that. It sure would be easier for him if Vegard were himself now. If he could really lean on his big brother as he had right after the incident.

 

“... that you understand me. Bård. Bård are you listening to me? I am definitely not saying that his current situation is in any way your fault.”

 

“No. Ok. I’ll try to keep that in mind.” Bård was staring at his feet when he heard Dr. Thorsen sigh. Looking up, he added sheepishly, “I’m not trying to be difficult.”

 

“I know. And you’re not. Really. Dealing with a trauma like this would be complicated enough if only one of you had been directly involved in the incident. Relationships are often strained in situations of this sort. I know it’s difficult to accept right now, but it’s all part of the process. And considering what you two have been through, you’ve been doing pretty well up until now.”

 

They’d been doing pretty well? Bård nodded. He didn’t agree in the least, but there was no point in arguing with the doctor about something like that. Dr. Thorsen was unlikely to be swayed from a pronouncement like that - no matter how patently absurd it was.

 

“How have you been sleeping Bård?”

 

“Recently?”

 

“Yes. Since Vegard moved out.”

 

Bård swallowed and glanced at the empty chair again. Vegard wasn’t there, he knew that. Why did he keep looking for him?

 

“Are you taking the sleeping pills?”

 

“I told you last week that I’d stopped.”

 

“Yes. And I thought we agreed that it would be better for you to take them.”

 

Bård looked up at the doctor’s eyes, but it was difficult to make himself hold his gaze. “I think you suggested that.”

 

“You don’t agree?”

 

“I don’t know. Why does this have to be a debate? I don’t want to have to justify it, I just don’t want to take them!”

 

“Bård I think you would feel better if you got enough sleep, and it would help you to deal with your life.”

 

“Right. Better living through pharmaceuticals.”

 

“Bård...”

 

Bård got to his feet and reached for his jacket. “My life is in the fucking toilet and you think I’d feel better if I were more awake for it!”

 

“Sit back down, Bård. We need to talk about this."

 

“You want to talk with me, or at me?” He angrily shoved his arms into the sleeves of his jacket .

 

“Let’s talk together.”

 

“Why should you be any different?” He paused with his hand on the doorknob. He hadn't driven there, he would have to wait for his ride and it was too early. "Shit."

 

“Please, Bård. I know things haven’t been going well recently, that doesn’t mean that they won’t get better again.” Dr. Thorsen was up on his feet.

 

“Really? How are you going to do that? Huh? Do you have some magic wand that I’m not aware of?”

 

“I wish it were that easy. I’m not saying it will be simple.” Dr. Thorsen placed a gentle hand on Bård’s shoulder. “Please sit down again.”

 

What else was he going to do? He couldn’t walk all the way home. Defeatedly he removed his jacket and sat back down. Running away wasn’t the answer, but he was beginning to think that there might not be an answer.

 

Dr. Thorsen allowed him some time to calm down before encouraging him to go on. “How about your entry from last week, Tuesday?”

 

Bård looked up and met Dr. Thorsen’s eyes. “Last Tuesday? That was Vegard’s birthday.”

 

“I know.” Dr. Thorsen waited for him to respond and then added. “I still see Vegard on Wednesdays, you know.”

 

“Yeah. Ok.” His fingers were twiddling, flicking at the thumbnail on his left hand. “What did he say?”

 

“You know I can’t tell you anything specific.”

 

“Is he ok, though?”

 

“Let’s use our time to talk about you.”

 

He used to know more about Vegard than anyone else, but now Dr. Thorsen knew more about what Vegard was going through than he did. That fact was painful to accept. Their close relationship was something that he had always taken for granted, and now it was gone, just another casualty of that day.

 

“We don’t have to talk about his birthday, if it’s too upsetting.”

 

“No. We might as well.”

 

***

 

_Tuesday, May 19, 2015_

_Attack: 220_

_Sleeping pill:_

_Meltdown: 101_

_TVNorge: 33_

_Vegard: 12_

_I called Vegard today. He didn't answer until the 3rd time. I guess he_

_was_ _screening his calls and I didn't make the cut._ _I should have_

_stopped after first attempt, because even when he answered it's not like_

_we "talked". I talked, he grunted. It was his birthday and he didn’t even_

_want to talk to me, much less see me. Mom and Dad had flown in._

_They wanted to take everyone out for dinner, but I made Bjarte go_

_without me. I just couldn't..._

 

***

 

Mid-sentence, Bård stopped reading and brought his hands to his face. 

 

“Tell me what you’re thinking.”

 

“What is the point?!”

 

“Bård, don't give up. Why are you so angry?”

 

The doctor’s questions were always like that, and he’d gotten used to it, but sometimes they annoyed the crap out of him. “Oh, no reason. My life is going splendidly.” His comment had sounded "sarcastically biting" in his head, but more "desperately hopeless" to his ear.

 

“It’s important for you to put a name to that anger. You need to actually say what you’re mad about.”

 

“Well, I don’t know where you’ve been all this time, but I think it’s pretty clear. My whole life is fucked up.” He kept his eyes on his journal, wishing that he were anywhere but in that office. Dr. Thorsen remained silent. His psychiatrist was annoyingly reliable to that extent. Whenever Bård especially wanted the doctor to take over the conversation, he was met with the same patient silence. He played with the corner of the page, folding it back and forth, wishing that Dr. Thorsen would step in, but knowing that the man was fully capable of waiting him out. With a sigh he gave in and continued. “And it’s not just my life, it affects everyone around me: my friends and family, and co-workers. Just look what this has done to Vegard.”

 

“Bård, Vegard’s problems are his own, you can’t change that.”

 

“That’s just…..” Stupid! Bård looked away from Dr. Thorsen and shook his head. Why was this his life?! WHY?!

 

“Look, we are out of time for today, but I think we should consider having a joint session again for you and your brother.”

 

“I doubt he’d agree to that.”

 

“I think you’re wrong.”

 

“Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Bård couldn’t make eye contact with the doctor. All he could think about was getting out of there.

 

Dr. Thorsen sighed again. “Alright. I want you to keep writing in your journal. And for today’s entry, I think it would be good if you wrote about everything that is making you angry right now.”

 

Bård could barely think, but he did realize that this was his chance to escape. “Yes. Alright.”

 

Standing up he grabbed his jacket and made a quick exit. He felt like his whole body was throbbing with anger and he practically ran through the waiting room, not bothering to acknowledge the receptionist with even a nod as he passed her desk. He hoped that by getting away from this place, he could distance himself from his emotional wounds which, once again, felt open and raw.

It was a futile effort.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one hates me because they aren't fixed yet. I have all these events on a calendar (well, obviously for this chapter - lol) and it's only been 7 months (to the day, coincidentally) since the day of the attack, so they still have some healing to do.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read this, given kudos and commented. I appreciate you all and I love to hear from you!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sort of embarrassed to even post this as it is soooooo over due. 
> 
> Warning - this chapter is very much a downer. So please don't read it if it will upset you.

It was cold for the end of May, gloomy and raining, the damp air chilling him to the bone. The weather reminded Bård of Bergen, and he would have given anything to have been there instead. He probably should have waited inside for his ride, but his most recent session had been so painful that he couldn't bear staying there one minute longer, so he had hurried out into the rain. His life was a complete dissaster, that was clear to him now. And what had Dr. Thorsen done to help? Nothing! He'd been through months of therapy and still nothing, After so many hours of talking and journaling, so many hours concentrating on the day that he would just as soon have forgotten, he was still feeling paranoid and anxious, helpless and depressed. As far as he could see it had all been a waste of time. It hadn’t helped him and it sure as hell had done nothing for Vegard.

 

But he didn't blame everything on the doctor. No, the person he was most angry with was himself. He had caused this mess, he had brought their thriving career to a dead halt, and he had completely fucked up his brother’s life as well, not only leaving him jobless but also causing him to have what Dr. T referred to as “anger issues”.

 

So today, when Dr. Thorsen told him that Vegard’s issues were his own to solve, it really felt like the last straw. As he stood shivering in the rain his thoughts were running in a familiar circle. Everything that had happened was his own fault. He was the one who had ruined his own life. And, as if that wasn't enough, he'd managed to drag almost everyone he knew down with him! He certainly was to blame for Vegard’s problems! Vegard didn’t deserve all the crap that had come his way. His brother had been so patient with him... for months... he really couldn't blame Vegard for wanting to be done with him now, could he?

 

“Hey, are you going to get in?”

 

Bård looked up and saw Calle looking back at him with a puzzled look on his face. He had no idea how long his friend had been trying to get his attention, and he didn't really want to know. With a brisk nod, he hopped into the car and closed the door.

 

It had become difficult to make eye contact with most people, even Calle, so Bård made a big show of getting comfortable and buckling his seatbelt with the hope that Calle would just start driving. When he had exhausted all of his stalling tactics and the car still hadn’t begun to move, he turned toward his friend and gave him a brief smile. Calle's smile in return was quite genuine but that only left Bård feeling worse. He was fully aware that the demise of Ylvis had affected many people beyond him and his brother. There were people involved with their TV show who had lost their jobs as soon as Ylvis had canceled the last few episodes of IKMY. And, of course, their full-time staff which had recently been cut loose after many months of uncertainty. And musicians and many others who had been counting on their stage production to begin this spring. And then there was Calle. Certainly he had been hit harder than most - having to deal with the repercussions on a personal as well as a professional level. Bård shook his head and tried to block out those thoughts. He couldn't allow himself to think about that right now or it would push him completely over the edge. The car was fairly warm but he couldn’t stop shivering, so he turned his attention to the heat vent. Rubbing his hands in front of the vent, he tried to focus on the warmth and block out everything else.

 

“How long were you standing out there?” Calle had begun to drive so his attention was divided as he began to pull out into traffic.

 

Bård shrugged and rubbed his hands some more. Why did Calle care? He wished he had driven himself to his appointment, a thought which just reminded him of how little he was capable of now. He had become such a burdon on those around him. Without turning his head, he could see that Calle was still waiting for an answer. “Not too long.” It felt like such an effort to say anything.

 

Calle sighed. “Was your session… uh… alright?”

 

Rather than reply, he continued to focus on his hands along with the steady thumping of the windshield wipers. The repetitive sound was soothing and he tried to imagine that he was alone with nothing but the heat and that peaceful, steady beat.

 

“Bård?”

 

Why couldn't Calle leave him alone? He simply wanted to escape into another world. Actually, almost any other world would do. Someplace where he could be alone. Not that he really liked being alone anymore, but at least he couldn't hurt anyone else that way.

 

“Bård? Did you hear me?”

 

“Yes, it was… fine.” He turned to look out the window. He hated lying to Calle. When had he become incapable of trusting anyone with his true feelings?

 

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Bård tried to start a new subject, something not about himself, “Did Bjarte get to the airport on time?” Bård glanced at Calle and then turned his eyes back onto the vent and his hands which were finally beginning to warm up.

 

“Y..y..yes.” Calle seemed to be surprised that he’d spoken, but quickly recovered. “He wasn’t sure if he should really leave. I’m not sure why you…”

 

“He needs to be in school, Calle.” Bård interrupted. He should have known better than to bring up his brother's departure.

 

“He was willing to stay with you for a while longer. I think it would have been a good idea…”

 

Bård huffed out a laugh. “I know he would have stayed, but he has a life. He’s signed up for classes. It's important to him.”

 

“You're important to him. You're his brother.”

 

Bjarte was about the only person Bård could think of whose life hadn't been severely altered by the attack, and he wanted to keep it that way. “He’s young, he shouldn’t be stuck in Oslo with his crazy brother.”

 

“You’re not crazy!”

 

“Yeah. OK.” Bård hated himself for his sarcastic tone. Why did Calle still have time for him?

 

“He told me that you and Vegard still haven't spoken to each other.”

 

“Vegard doesn't want to talk.”

 

“I don't think that's true.”

 

“Of course it's true!”

 

“He cares about you. He wants to…”

 

“How would you know!? Did Vegard tell you that he wanted to talk? I doubt it, because he won't take any of my phone calls!!”

 

Calle fell silent and Bård immediately regretted lashing out at his friend. It was so unlike him to yell at anyone, least of all Calle. He didn't feel like himself anymore. Was he really going to allow himself be so changed by the attack? He turned to Calle to apologize, just in time to catch a glimpse of exasperation on his friend's face. Calle tried to give him a reassuring smile, but Bård felt certain that he had just seen how his friend really felt. The apology died on his lips as a huge lump in his throat made it next to impossible to speak. They continued on in silence, with Bård wondering how long it would be before he drove Calle away, just as he had Vegard.

 

* * *

 

Dr. Thorsen looked up and smiled as soon as he heard the door to his office open. “How are you doing today, Vegard?”

 

Vegard set his jacket on the back of the chair and then took a moment to get settled in his seat. He had been grinding his teeth all last night and the residual headache was stubbornly hanging on. “It’s Wednesday, I’m irritated.”

 

“Coming to your sessions irritates you?” If Dr. Thorsen found that news upsetting, his face didn’t show it at all.

 

Last fall, his psychologist’s unflappable temper was a source of wonder, but lately Vegard found it to be just another annoyance. “I guess.” He shouldn’t have said he was irritated, not if he didn’t want to talk about it, but the stress of his situation had whittled his filter from slim to none. Dr. Thorsen’s silence would only end when he’d expanded upon his answer. “I really don't know if all this talking is doing any good.”

 

“Do you think ignoring it would help more?”

 

The other chair on his side of the desk was empty. He’d been going to private sessions for almost five months, much longer than he had experienced joint sessions with Bård , and yet he still felt the absence. As soon as they started their separated sessions, Vegard had begun to feel his brother pull away. Bård had told him less and less about what he was going through, until eventually his brother wasn’t sharing any of what went on in his sessions. “I don’t know, maybe.”

 

Dr. T raised an eyebrow and then continued undeterred. “Thank you for bringing your journal. Are you feeling up to sharing some of it with me?”

 

“Yes, I suppose.” He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I’m just not sure how it will help.”

 

“Well, let’s just give it a try. Maybe you could start with your first entry.”

 

**_Wednesday, January 7th_ **

**_Dr. Thorsen wants me to keep a journal. It seems sort of ridiculous. It’s like I’m talking to myself which, when you think about it, is something that most people would see as crazy. But B is supposed to be keeping one, so I suppose I’ll go along with it._ **

**_Bjarte is going to stay with us for a while. I’m pretty sure that Mom put him up to it. Apparently she thinks I’m failing Bård, even though he was doing pretty well while we were in Bergen. Whatever. It really isn’t important. I like having Bjarte here, and so does B. We haven’t had a chance to spend time with him like this for years. Plus, the look on his face when Mom said, “You need to buy beds for your brothers,” was highly entertaining._ **

**_I got a call…_ **

 

“Excuse me Vegard, but what makes you think that your mother feels like you’re failing your brother?”

 

Vegard licked his lip nervously. He felt like he’d failed his brother, so it wasn’t such a large leap to think that his parents would feel the same. “I… I think it’s obvious. Bjarte was home for Christmas break. He was in the middle of the school year and then suddenly he has decided to come stay with us? Someone convinced him.”

 

“Aren’t you close to your younger brother?”

 

Taking a deep shaky breath he tried to relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. He just needed to breathe through all these feelings so that he didn’t explode. “Of course I’m close to him!” The fact that he had barely spoken to Bjarte since moving out of Bård’s house made him feel a little sick to his stomach. Afterall, he did still love his little brother.

 

“I just meant, don’t you think it’s natural that he’d want to help Bård now?”

 

It wasn’t a warm day, but the room felt very stuffy. Vegard shifted in his seat and considered whether he should ask the doctor to open a window.

 

“Or, perhaps your younger brothers have never gotten along?”

 

“No! Of course they’ve gotten along! I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

 

“I just don't understand why you can't believe that Bjarte would decide, on his own, to come stay with you and Bård. It must have been frightening for him to realize that he had almost lost his brother."

 

"Yeah. I don't think he really understood that before Christmas. He was quite worried about Bård and rather pissed off at me. But still..."

 

"But still you think your mother had something to do with it. Did she say anything to you that would make you think that?”

 

“No.” He glanced to the empty chair next to him. Honestly sometimes it was like he was looking for a phantom limb. “I’m pretty sure she and my father thought that I had failed him when I flew to Bergen without him. They probably thought I'd been abandoning him here in Oslo as well.”

 

“That was _one_ incident. It wasn’t a pattern of behavior. I think they know you better than that. "

 

"And when Bård didn't see his Christmas present from me, she was pretty quick to assume that I hadn't gotten him one."

 

"I think that probably had more to do with her need to protect him than with any concerns about you not doing your part.”

 

“She needed to protect him? From me?”

 

"No. Not at all. My guess is that she wishes she could have protected him from the attack."

 

"Or, that I had."

 

“That's not at all what I was saying." The doctor paused, allowing both of them to think through what had been said. "Maybe you should just continue reading.”

 

**_I got a call from Stargate today. Their calendar is filling up and they wondered if we wanted to schedule some time to work together this spring. I was irritated by their insensitivity and told them that Bård wasn’t ready for that yet. But then after answering a few of their worried questions, I realized that they hadn’t even heard about the attack. I suppose it wasn’t big news in New York. They left their door open for whenever we are ready._ **

**_I didn’t mention the phone call to B. I’m really not sure if he’d be upset or grateful that I’d talked to them without him. I never know which Bård I’m going to be dealing with from one day to the next. Some days I feel like he’s getting better, other times it’s like he’s taken three steps backwards. I try to remind myself that it could be worse. He could have died. I need to be patient. But sometimes it’s difficult. I want him to get over it. I want our old lives back. Sometimes I’m just not sure if he’s even trying._ **

 

**_Monday, January 19_ **

**_I’m still shaking. A while ago I heard_** **_B in the bathroom, throwing up. I had just talked to him a few minutes before and he seemed fine. I knocked on the door and he told me to wait, which made me really nervous. I waited as long as I could before I walked in and found him kneeling in front of the toilet, looking white as a ghost. I asked him what had happened and he didn’t seem to want to answer me. Then I saw a bottle of pills on the counter and I kind of flipped out. I thought he had taken a bunch of pills. I turned to call an ambulance but he scrambled to his feet and grabbed my arm._**

**_Finally, he started talking. Somehow, Dr. Thorsen had convinced him to start taking his sleeping pills again, but he was so anxious about taking them that he couldn’t keep it down._ **

**_I didn’t know if I should believe him and I demanded that he tell me the truth. He showed me the bottle. It was mostly full. I guess that should have calmed me, but I felt so angry that he had scared me like that and I found myself yelling all sorts of things._ **

**_When I asked him why he hadn’t told me, he said that he was going to tell me once he’d taken them for a few days. He said that he didn’t want to disappoint me again._ **

**_Disappoint me? I don’t think I’ve ever been disappointed by him. Why would he say that?_ **

 

“Why do you think he said that Vegard?”

 

“How the fuck am I supposed to know? You’re the doctor.”

 

“What did he tell you?”

 

“He was taking them for me.” Vegard again shifted in his seat uncomfortably, remembering the expression on his brother’s face when he'd said those words. “I don’t get it. He should be taking the pills for himself. He’s the one who would feel better!”

 

“But instead he’s trying to please you.”

 

Vegard weighed the doctor’s words before responding. Dr.Thorsen almost made it sound as if he should appreciate that fact. “He should _want_ to take them, right? He should _want_ to feel better, he should _try to feel better, right?”_

 

“I have had a number of patients who have been uncomfortable with the idea of taking sleeping pills, I think we’ve talked about this. Some don’t want to lose control others are concerned about becoming addicted to them. He was asleep when he was attacked, so it makes sense that sleep does not feel like a safe escape anymore. That doesn’t mean that he isn’t trying to get better.”

 

“Yeah, well, if you say so.” Vegard ran his hand through his thick curls, unable to shake the feeling of sheer panic that he’d felt when he’d seen Bård bent over the toilet.

 

“Was that the end of the confrontation?”

 

“No. He wanted to take a second pill.”

 

“Ok ....?”

 

“OK? I stopped him!” Dr Thorsen’s apparent lack of concern appalled him.

 

“Why?”

 

“He could have overdosed! How did he know that he’d thrown up the pill? He didn’t, that’s how! I know for a fact that he wouldn’t look in the toilet after throwing up if you paid him a million dollars.”

 

“Well, that may be, but he had just taken the pill. It would have been the first thing to come up.”

 

Vegard stared at the doctor. How could someone so well educated be so stupid? “I just thought he might have some of it in his system,” he muttered. “I was trying to protect him.”

 

“I understand that it was well intentioned.”

 

Vegard stared at his diary, refusing to make eye contact with the doctor. This appointment was taking forever.

 

After a minute Dr. Thorsen sighed. “Would you please read your entry for… uh, let’s see…," The doctor was looking at his memo pad, searching for a previous note. "...Saturday, February 7th?"

 

Vegard flipped ahead and silently read the first few words of the entry. Looking up he met the doctor’s eyes. Obviously the doctor already knew something about this day. Vegard considered his options and decided to go ahead and read it. It didn’t really matter which terrible day he shared, did it?

 

**_Saturday, February 7_ **

**_Another completely shitty day. I didn’t sleep very well last night, not after the talk I had with Jakob at TVNorge yesterday. I can’t believe that creep has been calling me every Friday since the beginning of the new year. He keeps saying that he wants to talk to both of us, to “hammer out the details” of another season of the show. He doesn't seem to hear a word I say. What does he think I mean when I say, “Bård is not ready for that”?_ **

**_This morning I made breakfast for the three of us. A big weekend breakfast like our dad always made on Saturdays. B had ignored my earlier attempts at getting him out of bed, and finally came into the kitchen when I was plating our food. He knew that I had just finished making him breakfast, and he knows that I'm concerned about the weight he has lost, but still he came into the kitchen announcing that all he wanted for breakfast was a glass of water. A frickin’ glass of water! Is he trying to waste away? He took his water and turned to leave and I felt so angry that the next thing I knew, I was throwing his plate at him._ **

**_When the plate hit the wall, B jumped and looked back at me. He looked frightened. I hated that he looked frightened of me and I don’t know why that made me more angry, but it did. B went to his room and Bjarte began yelling at me. He said that I could have killed Bård. I told him that he was being totally ridiculous, the weakest point of the skull is just behind the temple and I couldn't possibly have hit him there from that angle._**

**_It got pretty heated, I don’t even remember what was said. Then I went to my room._**

**_I’m just so angry. I’m afraid that he’ll never be the same again. I’m afraid that my brother is gone forever. It’s as if he died in the attack._ **

 

“Have you talked to Bård about that?”

 

Vegard kept his head down and closed his eyes. “About what?” Why did there have to be so many questions?

 

“Have you voiced your fear that he isn’t going to get better? Have you ever told him that you’re worried that he’ll never be the same?”

 

“No. Of course not!” Vegard looked up and suddenly felt fiercely protective. “I’m not going to tell him he’s not getting better. He has to have that hope doesn’t he? Why would I say that?”

 

Dr. Thorsen looked him in the eye, obviously weighing his words. “You two are very close.”

 

“Yeah. I guess.” He thought of recent events, of moving out of Bård ’s house, and shook his head. He’d never thought they could get to this point. “I mean we were.”

 

“I remember you saying that you and he often knew what the other was about to say, right?”

 

Sighing, Vegard nodded. What was the doctor getting at?

 

“I think he has probably felt that you’ve been disappointed in his progress. I think he may share your fears that he might never be the same.”

 

“I’m not disappointed in him.” Vegard grumbled. The doctor was spot on, he couldn’t kid himself about that, but it sounded so much worse the way the doctor said it.

 

“You may have remained quiet to spare his feelings, but he has probably already guessed at what you’ve been thinking. I think it would be better if you were more open about it. I’m not saying you should…”

 

Vegard tuned the doctor out. He used to think the doctor knew what he was doing, but that was a while ago when the focus was on Bård. He really found it hard to buy into this therapy thing for himself, especially when the doctor said things like that. The one thing he was not going to do was to tell his brother that he was disappointed in him. What kind of crap was that?

 

“… in a supportive, non-judgemental way.”

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Uh-huh.” Dr. T took a deep breath and decided to move on. “Would you please pick another entry?

 

**_Wednesday, February 25th_ **

**_I tried again today to make Jakob's little pea brain understand that we need more time. It occurred to me that he must not know the full extent of what Bård went through, otherwise he wouldn't be acting the way he's been acting, so I told him what happened that day at the theater. But before I had finished he interrupted me and said, in the least sincere way imaginable, that he was sorry for what my brother went through, but that it happened months ago and we needed to get over it. Asshole! I am not going to let him pressure B._ **

**_Every week! I swear Jakob calls at least once a week to hound me about doing another season. He keeps saying that we need to “fulfill our contract.” What bullshit. It’s good that we haven’t had a face to face meeting. I’d probably have punched him._ **

 

“Did you tell Bård about Jakob’s phone calls?” Dr. T was looking at him over his glasses.

 

Sighing, Vegard looked up at the doctor. Sometimes he asked questions that he obviously knew the answer to.

 

“Why not?”

 

His irritation was difficult to disguise. “Because Bård couldn't even handle a walk around the block back then!”

 

“But… aren't you two business partners?”

 

“Yes. Of course.”

 

“Didn’t he deserve to know?”

 

“I was taking care of it. He didn’t need to worry about that.”

 

“Because he wasn’t going to get better?”

 

“No! God! Why do you keep saying that?!”

 

“I’m trying to understand your motives. And I’m trying to imagine what your brother thought when you kept him in the dark.”

 

“I didn’t keep him in the dark. Besides, he found out eventually.”

 

Dr. T raised an eyebrow in response and looked back down at his notes. “If you don’t mind, could you read your entry from March 13th?”

 

“Um, I didn’t write anything.”

 

“Ok then... the 21st?”

 

“My brother’s birthday? Uh… I didn’t write anything on that day either. But I remember it was a pretty good day.”

 

“Yes? What do you remember about it?”

 

“Didn't Bård tell you that it was a good day?”

 

Dr. T hesitated, as if he wasn’t sure if he could share that information, but then he responded, “Yes, he did. Didn’t he tell you?”

 

Looking down at the notebook Vegard pictured the day. They’d had fun. Bård had made an effort to go out to eat. He had really been proud of his brother for that.

 

“Vegard?”

 

“Yes. I suppose he did. I remember he enjoyed the present we got him... and he laughed so much that day. I remember thinking that I hadn’t heard him laughing like that in months.”

 

“Ok, well what _did_ you write in March?”

 

Vegard bit his lip and looked away. He decided that he might as well say it. “I didn’t.”

 

Dr. T calmly looked back at him, waiting for an explanation.

 

“I didn’t think it was helping. It just wasn't for me.”

 

“So, you stopped writing in your journal? That was about the time you started missing some of your sessions too, wasn’t it?”

 

“I just didn’t think it was helping. Not really. Not most of the time.”

 

“Did you tell Bård that you had stopped journalling?”

 

“No. I think he liked keeping a journal. I didn’t want to interfere with that.”

 

“So, you didn’t write anything in March?”

 

“I told you, no.”

 

“April?”

 

“No.”

 

“Not even on the day they canceled your show?”

 

Vegard let out a sigh and shook his head. In a low voice he responded, “Not even that day. Especially not that day.”

 

“May? Did you write about the day you moved out of your brother’s house?”

 

“Oh? Is that how he described it? He didn’t say he threw me...”

 

Dr. T put his hands up to cut Vegard off. “Why don’t you just tell me your version of things. What day was that? May 7th?”

 

“Yeah. Well, I didn’t write about it that day." Vegard opened the journal back up. "But I did write on May 9th.”

 

Dr. T nodded in response so Vegard cleared his throat and began.

 

**_Saturday, May 9th_ **

**_I moved out of Bård’s house two days ago. No, that’s not true. I was thrown out!_ **

**_Bjarte kept telling me that all I ever did was make things worse. I said the wrong things. I pushed Bård too much. How could I push him too much to get better? We want him to get better, right? That should be the goal. Why shouldn’t I push him toward that? But apparently everything I do is wrong. Sometimes I even feel like Bjarte is trying to protect Bård from me._**

**_It's just so fucked up. Bjarte and I got into another argument on Thursday, I don’t even know what it was about. I just felt this rage. I don’t think Bjarte and I ever had a cross word until the last few months. He’s so much younger, I certainly wasn’t going to bicker with him, not like B and I did. But now it’s all we do. I thought that B would be on my side. I thought he’d want me to stay, but he was completely indifferent. He basically said he didn’t care._ **

**_So I left. If he doesn’t want me there, fine! So be it! I’ve been trying for months to help him, to make him get better and now it turns out that I’m the one who has been slowing his progress. Fine. It’s not like I hadn’t thought of moving out earlier, it was so exhausting and I wasn’t sure if I was helping him, but I thought that my being there was of some comfort to him. I didn't realize that I was such an annoyance to both of my brothers._ **

 

He’d written the words, but it still felt hard to believe he was talking about his own life. Vegard’s voice caught in his throat and he brought up a hand to swipe away some tears.

 

“You’re doing well Vegard. I know this is difficult, but it’s better to get it out and talk about it.”

 

Vegard shook his head slightly. “I don’t know. I don’t think this is making me feel any better.”

 

“Did you write more?”

 

Nodding Vegard looked down at the page and began reading again.

 

**_My house is too quiet, except for my phone. I don’t know why they keep calling. They wanted me out and I’m out. Can’t they just be happy with that? I just don’t think I can listen to them trying to make me feel better right now._ **

 

Looking up, Vegard bit his lip trying to keep what little composure he had left.

 

“I know that you have been checked out mentally and emotionally from therapy for a few months, but I think you need to recommit to it. You deserve that.”

 

Vegard was playing with the corner of a sheet of paper, folding it back and forth mindlessly, as he considered the doctor’s words. He had been thinking of telling Dr. T that today would be his last session. The last few months he’d only come to therapy so that his brother would keep going. There really wasn’t any point to that now, was there?

 

“I am certain that we can repair this rift between you and your brother. I really think it would be a good idea for the two of you to meet together here next week. We could talk through some of these things together…”

 

Vegard's stomach sunk. “No.”

 

“I’m sure you miss your brother and I think that you want to fix things between the two of you.”

 

“I don’t want to meet with him.” The thought of meeting with Bård and finding out exactly why his brother hadn't wanted him to stay any longer was overwhelming. He wasn't sure that he was ready to know.

 

“Would you please think about it?”

 

“No. Just no!” Vegard got up and pulled on his jacket. "I'll come back next week for my session, but that's it!"

 

Coming around the desk to pat Vegard on the shoulder, the doctor conceded defeat for now. “Alright. But we are going to revisit this next week.”

 

Vegard nodded tensely, acknowledging that he had heard the words without giving any false impression of agreeing to anything. He walked quickly through the waiting room and past the receptionist, hoping to avoid any awkward questions about his brother and then stepped outside and walked straight to his car. A casual observer might have thought that he was in a big hurry to get to a meeting or some other important appointment, but he had nowhere in particular to go. No projects to work on. No one who needed his help. He was free to do whatever he pleased, but he was too proud to go to the one place that his heart would have had him go. He turned the car in the direction of his own house and went home to what was sure to be a quiet, uneventful evening alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could say that I'll start posting regularly again, but I can't make any promises. I still really enjoy writing, so I will try to keep going... and I'll try not wait until 2017 for the next chapter. LOL
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has given me Kudos and comments. And special thanks to those who have nudged me recently to keep going. You know who you are. <3<3<3 
> 
> I love to hear from you, please let me know what you think.


	26. Chapter 26

 

Calle was taken by surprise three days ago, when Bård asked him if he would drive Bjarte to the airport later that same morning. He’d been spending most of his free time with Vegard, knowing that Bård had Bjarte to lean on, so he’d had no idea that the youngest Ylvisåker brother was even thinking about going back to the States. Maybe he should have refused to participate in something that was so obviously a mistake, but he’d never been good at saying “no” to Bård’s requests.  Besides, he understood that he had been asked because Vegard, the more likely first choice, was in no mood to help at the time.

 

That's not to say that he didn't confront Bjarte about the whys and whens of his departure. The timing made absolutely no sense to Calle, and he was open about his point of view as he drove the youngest Ylvisåker brother to the airport.  Bjarte, appearing to be frustrated and torn by the situation, was uncharacteristically quiet saying only that he felt like he was making things worse and that he didn't know what else to do. Despite his best efforts, Calle was unable to talk Bjarte out of leaving.

 

Upon dropping Bjarte off at the airport, Calle had hurried back into the city to pick up Bård from his counseling session. For the second time in the day he was completely taken off guard. Bård was pale and thin, withdrawn and unresponsive. It was almost as if he'd fallen back to his pre-counseling condition.  By the time they had arrived at Bård’s house, Calle had decided that he should move in with his friend for a while. He did his best to present the idea in a light-hearted way, hoping that he could cajole the younger man into cooperating, but Bård refused his offer. Calle wanted to dig in his heels and insist, but he could still feel a certain measure of hurt and mistrust on Bård’s part, so he didn't want to push too hard.  

 

Instead, he made Bård promise to answer the phone every time he called… and he made it clear that he would be calling often. Bård had rolled his eyes and complained that Calle was treating him like a child, but in the end he gave in to the demand. Despite his initial protests, Bård answered the phone promptly every time Calle had called, although occasionally Calle was greeted with comments such as: “Yes, I’m still here.”, “No, no one has broken in and stolen me away.” and “Jeez, Calle, do you want me to let you know if I’m going to use the bathroom?” Still, Calle had been able to engage his friend in a conversation each time, which he had seen as a good sign.

 

Today, Calle had an appointment with a producer acquaintance of his to talk about a possible collaboration.  Since the producer was currently working out of his cabin near Ringebu, and since Calle was currently working on... well... nothing, they'd agreed to meet in Lillehammer. It should have been a pleasant little day trip, at least that was what Calle had thought when he made the plan, a chance to get out of the city and enjoy the scenery between Oslo and Lillehammer. The midday meeting had been planned weeks ago, well before the big blow-up that led to Vegard moving out of Bård’s home. Maybe that event should have prompted him to postpone the meeting, but he had been optimistic that the brothers wouldn’t stay angry at each other for long.

 

As was typical, Calle woke up late. It threw him into a flurry of activity as he got ready to go and led to him being halfway to Lillehammer before he thought about calling his friend. By the time he reached his destination he had tried Bård’s number four times with no success. Remarkably, in spite of his late start,  he was actually a few minutes early, so he tried the number again while sitting in his car outside the small Indian restaurant on Storgata. As the phone rang, Calle became more and more afraid that something was wrong. He tried to comfort himself with the fact that Bård was a grown man.  Maybe his friend had decided to go out for a walk or to work in his garden, although Calle knew that those options were unlikely in Bård’s current state. It was more likely that Bård was still sleeping or perhaps he was simply protesting Calle’s constant phone calls. With a sigh, Calle ended the call. He’d just have to try again later. A glance at his watch caused him to jump into action. He had made himself late!

 

An hour and a half later, Calle returned to his car. The meeting had gone well, but he didn’t have anything concrete to show for it. As he climbed into his car, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, hoping to find a voicemail or a missed call from Bård. Even a text message telling him to “Fuck off” would have been a welcome sight, but there was nothing. Turning his car south, he began retracing his route from earlier that day.

 

“Move it, move it, move it!”, he grumbled impatiently. The right turn signal of the car in front of him had been blinking steadily for the last five minutes. Calle could only assume, the car was being driven by a near-sighted octogenarian whose sole purpose in life was to was to ruin his day.  “Are you trying to block the entire road!?!” Calle leaned his car over the centerline, trying to gauge whether he had enough room to pass. He decided to go for it.

 

As he pulled into the oncoming lane, his phone rang. Ignoring the law against driving while on the phone,  he answered, “Hello?”

 

“Hi, Calle. How was your meeting?”

 

“Vegard, just a second.” Calle sped up a bit more and got back into his own lane, and not a moment too soon.

 

The driver of the oncoming car, who had most likely just seen his life flash before his eyes, angrily sounded his horn as he passed.

 

“Sorry!!” Calle waved his hand apologetically and slowed down a bit.

 

“Calle… are you there?”

 

Calle took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Maybe he should drive more carefully. “Yes. I’m fine. Is everything ok? Have you heard from Bård today?”

 

After an awkward pause, Vegard answered. “Yes… he called a couple of times this morning.”

 

“He did? That’s great!”

 

A little more uncomfortable silence followed before Vegard responded. “Yeah… I guess. I called because I remembered that you had a meeting. How’d it go?”

 

It was clear that Vegard didn’t want to discuss what he and Bård had spoken about, and Calle wasn’t sure if it was really his business. He decided to just be happy that the brothers had finally spoken and he began to fill Vegard in on his meeting.

 

Five minutes later, having recounted the most interesting parts of the meeting, Calle found that he couldn’t stop thinking about the brothers’ conversation. What had they said to each other? Had it upset Bård enough that he wasn’t answering the phone? Maybe it wasn’t really his business, but Calle decided to try and get a few details out of Vegard anyway.

 

“So…” Calle ventured, “You spoke to Bård today. What did he have to say?”

 

There was another pause, this one quite long, before Vegard finally muttered. “I... I didn’t talk to him.”

 

“What? You said he called a couple times.”

 

“I didn’t say I talked to him.”

 

Calle had to replay Vegard’s words in his mind a few times before he could trust what he'd just heard. “You didn’t answer? What? Why the hell not?”

 

“Why the hell should I have?!? You do remember that he threw me out, don’t you?”

 

Calle rolled his eyes. He'd heard Vegard’s version of his departure more times than he could count now,  and he was still unconvinced. “Vegard....I know, but...”

 

“I’m not ready to talk to him yet.”

 

Even though Calle was certain that Vegard had his facts wrong, he had been careful not to express his doubts too forcefully. Whatever the truth was about the brother’s disagreement, he still needed to support Vegard.  So he made an excuse and hurriedly ended the call. He then resumed his attempts at contacting Bård while speeding south to the capital.

 

The closer he got to Oslo, the more frustrated he became about his inability to contact Bård. As he neared Bård’s home his emotions were fluctuating between worry and irritation, but tending towards the latter. Bård had to know that he was worried about him by now.  How dare Bård continue to ignore his calls?  Upon pulling into the driveway, he jumped out of the car, ran up the front steps, and began pounding on the door. “Hey! Open up!” He pounded a few more times, more loudly. “Come on, Ylvisåker! I swear, I will break this door down!” Finally, he kicked the door, a move which surely hurt his big toe more than the door.  “Fuck!!”

 

A few seconds later he heard the deadbolt unlatch and the door began to slowly swing open.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you? I've been calling all day! You could at least pick up the phone and let me know you're ok. I had a meeting and I could hardly concentrate.  And then I sped all the way back here and.. and…. and look at you! You’ve been here all along! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Bård looked stricken and Calle immediately regretted his outburst. “Are you alright?”

 

Bård had been shrinking in the doorway as Calle yelled. He bit his lower lip and answered an unconvincing, “Uh-huh.”

 

Calle took a calming breath before he spoke.  “I shouldn’t have yelled. I was just worried about you.”

 

“I'm sorry.” Bård spoke softly and turned his gaze to the floor. “I’m fine, Calle.”

 

Bård was a mess. He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was sticking out in several directions at once and, judging by his wrinkled t-shirt and flannel pants, he hadn't gotten dressed this morning. He stood quietly in the doorway, looking uncomfortable.

 

Calle’s feelings of irritation had faded and now all he felt was an overwhelming need to take care of his friend. “Would you mind if I came in for a while?” Clearly something had happened. But what?

 

“Ummm… I don't know…” Bård glanced around and shuffled his feet. “I was… I was just…”

 

“We can have dinner together.”

 

“Calle…  it’s not even four o’clock.”

 

“Well, it's not ready yet,  is it?  And don’t worry, I'll do the cooking.” Calle entered the house and headed straight to the kitchen with Bård following close behind trying to take back control of the situation.

 

“You don’t need to… I'm fine, really...”

 

Calle decided not to comment on how his friend was most definitely not “fine”. Instead he went to the refrigerator hoping to find some inspiration for dinner. Frowning at the mostly empty cooler, he closed the door.  “You have nothing to eat!”

 

“That's not exactly true…. Bjarte bought some things before he….”

 

“We'll just make a list and I'll run to the store.”

 

“You don’t have to do that.......... Calle…..”

 

Calle began entering a list into his phone.

 

“Besides, I’m not really hungry.”

 

Silently Calle scolded himself for failing to check on Bård’s food situation days ago.

 

“Carl Fredrik?”

 

How had he convinced himself that a few phone calls a day was any kind of substitute for the presence of another human being? Had he let his excitement about today’s meeting cloud his judgement?

 

“Listen to me!”

 

Looking up, Calle was a little surprised to see Bård with his arms crossed and a contrary look on his face. “Yes, Bård?”

 

“Just what do you think you're doing?”

 

As unhappy and tired as Bård looked, Calle was happy to see a measure of his old stubbornness, bubbling just under the surface. “Helping?”

 

“I told you, I'm fine. I don't need you to take care of me.”

 

Calle raised an eyebrow. “Well, what if I want to take care of you?” Bård just stared at him with his mouth slightly open and a puzzled look on his face. Bård’s reaction made Calle chuckle and he continued without thinking, “Just think of me as your big brother.”

 

At once Bård turned and walked away, but not before Calle saw his face fall.

 

“Shit!” Calle whispered under his breath. Why had he said that? Quietly, he followed Bård into the living room, unsure of what he could possibly say now.

 

Bård was sitting on the sofa, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

 

After a few seconds of uncertainty,  Calle sat next to him. “Do you want to tell me what's going on?”

 

Bård shook his head. “There’s nothing you can do.“

 

“I think I know.  It’s about Vegard, isn’t it?” Calle waited for an answer but Bård didn't respond. Eventually he pushed on. “You miss him, don’t you?”

 

Bård nodded slowly, his answer was barely audible. “Yeah.”

 

Gently, he laid his hand on Bård’s back.  He half expected his friend to bolt as soon as he touched him, but Bård barely flinched at the contact and then seemed to relax a bit as Calle tried to soothe him. “Then why….... why did you ask him to leave?”

 

Bård simply shook his head.

 

Calle didn’t know what to say. He’d heard Vegard’s version of why he’d left dozens of times. But that story didn’t line up with the obviously devastated young man next to him.

 

Eventually, Bård began to talk. “The doctor called…….. Dr. T…... He met with Vegard yesterday………... They always meet on Wednesdays.”

 

After a few moments of silence, Calle responded, “Um hmm,” with the hope that it would encourage his friend to continue.

 

“He wants us to meet next week…...  Vegard and me….”

 

Bård was tapping his foot nervously to the point that Calle felt the urge to reach out and grab it.  Somehow he managed to contain himself.

 

“He thinks….. at least, he thought it might help.” Bård ran his hand through his hair. “I wasn’t sure if..... I mean, I wanted to… I _want_ to meet with Vegard. I just… I just wasn’t sure if he’d want to...” Bård raised his head and looked sadly at Calle. “I hoped he would at least want to try.”

 

Calle didn’t know what to say. He had so many questions, but managed to hold his tongue.

 

“Dr. T asked him yesterday….. if he would be willing to…” Bård had turned away and was staring at the floor again. “Dr T asked Vegard if he’d be willing to do a joint session……. He said, ‘no’.”

 

“He said ‘no’?” Calle felt like an idiot parroting Bård’s words, but he didn't know what else to say.

 

Bård nodded. “Dr. T called last night to let me know.  Of course, he said that he was still hopeful but……. he has to say that, right?” Bård breathed out a bitter, joyless laugh.

 

“Bård, I’m sorry.”

 

“Maybe deep down I knew Vegard wouldn't want to...” His voice caught and he looked truly miserable. When he seemed to have control of his emotions he added, “I should have known. I’ve put him through so much. I mean, why would he want to meet with me?”

 

“Because you’re brothers.”

 

“I don't think that's enough anymore. He's done. He’s just done with me.” Bård rubbed his face as if trying to erase those thoughts and then ran his hands through his hair again. “I guess I don't really blame him.”

 

“He's not ‘done with you’. That's not true. He’s your big brother. He loves you.”

 

“Just because we’re brothers, doesn’t mean that there’s isn’t a limit to what he can put up with.”

 

“Of course it does.” Calle knew that he was right, and yet… why wasn’t Vegard willing to meet with Bård? It didn’t seem like Vegard. But then Vegard wasn’t acting like himself recently. “Bård, he doesn’t blame you for any of this. None of this is your fault.”

 

Bård stood up and started walking toward the kitchen. “I don’t think I can talk about it right now. It won’t change anything.”

 

Sighing, Calle followed his friend back to the kitchen. He wished he could fix things between the brothers, but he knew that it wasn’t that simple. For now, he decided to focus on the two things that he could do something about. “So… why don’t you take a shower while I run to the grocery store?”

 

Bård looked like he was about to protest, but then he nodded. “Ok.”

 

“Ok. Good.”

 

Bård gave Calle a half smile before heading down the hall toward the bathroom. Calle turned to his list  but found it difficult to concentrate. He hated that his friends weren’t speaking to each other. They were brothers.  Extremely close brothers. It seemed to him that neither of them really wanted things to be that way, but he was at a loss as to what he could do to change things.  He was deep in thought when he felt a hand touch his back.

 

“Thanks for being here, Calle.”

 

When Calle looked up,  Bård pulled him into a hug. Returning the hug, Calle said quietly, “It’s going to be ok, you know.” The tension and awkwardness that had stood between them like a wall for the last few months seemed to have finally toppled. Bård was hugging him tightly, as if he were the only thing keeping his friend afloat. “It’s going to be ok, Bård. I promise.”

 

Bård nodded in response,  looking quite unconvinced,  and then turned and headed back down the hall. Under any other circumstances Calle would have been pleased by this turn of events. It seemed that Bård had forgiven him. Maybe things would get back to normal between them. But he knew that neither brother would be back to normal until they were speaking to each other.  Calle waited until he heard the shower running before running out to the grocery store.  

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Calle was again knocking at an Ylvisåker’s door.

 

The door opened slowly. Vegard had three days’ worth of stubble and was dressed in sweats and an old T-shirt. His hair was an unruly mess, much as it used to be before he discovered a good stylist and the proper products to tame his mane.

 

Calle spoke without thinking. “You look like shit.”  

 

The comment seemed to neither amuse nor insult Vegard. “What do you want?”

 

“Well, hello to you, too! Since when can’t I stop by to see you?”

 

Sighing, Vegard stepped back from the doorway and grudgingly invited Calle into his home. The gesture reminded Calle of the way he had been greeted by Bård just one day earlier. He had known that Vegard was having a hard time, but it had never really occurred to him that his friend was depressed as his younger brother so obviously was. Anger was the emotion that had seemed so dominant in Vegard. Calle stepped inside, not wanting to wait and see if the offer would be rescinded. “Thanks. I guess I should have called first.”

 

Vegard shrugged and led the way down the hall to his kitchen. The small white kitchen was dark, the shades being drawn even though it was already 11 in the morning.

 

“Let’s let a little light in here, ok?” Calle began to open the shades. When Calle turned to see if his friend had any objections, he found Vegard busying himself with finding mugs and tea bags, the burner under the teapot already beginning to glow a bright red.

 

“Why are you here, Calle?”

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

Vegard finally looked up from what he was doing and shook his head. “No.” He took a deep breath and let it out before returning to the task that he was distracting himself with. “No, I’m glad you’re here. I’m just… I’m just grumpy, I guess.”

 

‘Surly’ was more like it, Calle thought, but he decided to keep that to himself. “I hope seeing me will help.”

 

Not having anything left to gather, Vegard tiredly looked up into Calle’s eyes and attempted a smile. “Of course.”

 

Calle leaned his butt onto one of the stools which sat by the kitchen island and relaxed while they waited for the water to boil. The kitchen had a warm friendly glow, especially now that the shades were open.  He decided to wait for a while before he got to the reason for his visit. Vegard disappeared into his living room and soon there was music coming through the speakers in the kitchen.

 

Calle smiled as he remembered the weekend that he and the brothers had wired the small house for sound. He hadn’t been surprised in the least that Vegard knew how to do such things, but he had been a little bit surprised at how comfortable Bård had been in that environment. Bård liked to tease Vegard about his nerdy tendencies, but in truth Bård was very much the same.

 

Vegard sat down next to Calle and fiddled with one of the tea bags while they waited for the water to boil. Calle couldn’t decide if Vegard wanted to talk about something, or if he was just nervous about Calle’s true motivation for the visit. It wasn’t as if Calle hadn’t been coming to see him all along. In fact, when Vegard moved out of Bård’s house Calle had come over almost every day. But, in the last week he had become distracted with preperations for his meeting. He definitely should have visited Vegard before today.

 

“How was your session with Dr. Thorsen this week?”

 

Vegard looked up suspiciously. “Why?”

 

Calle shrugged innocently. “You went, right?”

 

“Yes, I went. Is that why you’re here, checking up on me?”

 

Calle didn’t answer right away. He had known this was going to be difficult.

 

Vegard looked down at his mug. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

 

“That’s ok.” Calle chuckled, “I _am_ checking up on you.”

 

After a moment, Vegard began to chuckle as well and got up to grab the tea kettle which had begun to whistle. He finished making the tea and put everything on a tray to carry into the living room. “Come on.”

 

Calle followed Vegard into the living room and sat down on the couch. He really missed the presence of Bård as he sat quietly staring into his tea waiting for it to cool down a bit. Bård should be there. “I talked to Bård yesterday.” He hadn’t meant to blurt that out and he wished that he could start over.

 

“What did he want?”

 

Calle was surprised by the tone of Vegard’s voice. “He didn’t…” Calle shook his head. This was not a good start. “I called him. He’s been…” What had he been? Depressed? Was he going to try to make Vegard feel guilty about his brother’s depression? He really hadn’t thought this through very well. Maybe he should just leave and drag Dr. Thorsen over here right now.

 

“He’s been what?”

 

“He wants to meet with you, at Dr. Thorsen’s office next week.”

 

Vegard scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Is that what he told you? I think that was really Dr. Thorsen’s idea, not Bård’s.”

 

“I don’t know whose idea it was, but I know he wants to meet with you. He wants to talk about what happened…”

 

“No!”

 

“What do you mean, ‘no’? I know that you…”

 

“I said, no!”

 

Calle laughed nervously. There was absolutely nothing about this that he found humorous, but for once, he was at a loss of words.

 

“I am not going to meet with Dr. Thorsen and let Bård twist everything around so that it’s all my fault. I know that’s what he and Bjarte think. If he’s doing so much better with Bjarte then I think I should just leave them alone.”

 

“That’s not exactly…”

 

“Well it might not be what he told you, but it is what they told me. I yell too much, I ask too much, I’m not supportive enough, I’m expecting too much, I shouldn’t say this, I always say that.” Vegard had gotten up and was pacing in front of the couch. “How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say.? I don’t know! I haven’t done this before!”

 

“Vegard, you don’t understand.”

 

“No, you’re right. I don’t understand. I tried to help him, but I was making him feel worse. That’s what Bjarte told me.”

 

“I don’t think that’s what he meant…”

 

“Well, you weren’t there, were you? We were at each other’s throats.”

 

Calle took a breath. And then another. This was going completely sideways. And he didn’t want Vegard to feel like he had to meet with Bård, even though he apparently wasn’t aware that Bjarte had gone back to the States. Vegard was flailing, he needed help too. Calle took another breath as he considered what to say. “Vegard. I care about you, and Bård too. Both of you. I just want you to consider going to the session on Monday, ok?”

 

Vegard stood a few feet away, arms crossed, jaw set, the picture of resistance. “You weren’t there. You don’t know.”

 

“I wasn’t there. I don’t know. But I do know you. I know that you want to talk to him, that you want to fix this. I know you do.”

 

Vegard was staring at the floor. He looked so contrary that Calle doubted anything he could say would make a difference right now.

 

“I don’t want to meet with him. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to keep going to see Dr. Thorsen anymore.”

 

“But you’re going to, right? You’re going to continue going to Dr. Thorsen, aren’t you?” Calle studied Vegard’s face, trying to read something besides stubbornness. “Vegard, you trust me, right? You know I’m on your side, don’t you?”

 

Vegard kept his eyes down as he considered. After what seemed like forever he nodded. “I do,” he replied quietly.

 

Calle got up and walked over to his friend. “You need to keep going to Dr. Thorsen. Please do that, ok?”

 

Vegard looked up, arms still crossed, and nodded. Calle pulled him into a hug, mostly because he had no idea what else to say. It wasn’t too long before Vegard returned the hug.

 

Calle ended up staying at Vegard’s place for most of the afternoon, although he didn’t mention Bård again. It seemed that Vegard wasn’t up to it and Calle thought that the last thing Vegard needed right now was to know that Bjarte had left Norway. So, they chatted about other things, told funny stories - the few that didn’t include Bård - and played cards. It was a perfectly enjoyable afternoon, but all Calle could think about was how he was going to break the news to Bård.

 

* * *

 

Vegard sat quietly as he watched Dr. Thorsen review his notes. The room felt small and his stomach was turning. Maybe he should have quit therapy last week as he had intended. Now that he was here, there was nothing to do but get through it.

 

“Soooo….. Vegard.” Dr. Thorsen removed his reading glasses and looked Vegard in the eyes.  “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to read your entry from May 19th.”

 

“My birthday?”

 

The doctor nodded and then waited patiently for him to begin.

 

Vegard looked down at the journal on his lap. If only he hadn’t written anything on that day. But he had. Of course he had. He leafed through his journal and found the page. The scribbles on the page were dark, as if he’d been trying to carve them into the paper. He could feel his own hurt and anger jumping off the pages even before reading the words. Taking a slow breath to steady himself, he began.

 

**_May 19th_ **

 

**_Mom and Dad are here. I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’m feeling down because they insisted on staying at my house. It’s good, I suppose. My house feels so quiet. I used to enjoy living alone, I used to need the downtime that it provided and the privacy, but right now it feels so lonely._ **

 

**_Bård called this morning, to wish me a happy birthday, supposedly. He spoke to me as if nothing had happened. He didn't mention our fight and he certainly didn't apologize.  I didn’t know what to say.  As soon as I heard his voice I felt just like I did on the day he kicked me out._ **

 

“I didn’t kick you out.” Bård’s spoke softly.

 

“Yes, you did.” Vegard kept his eyes on his journal.

 

“No, I didn’t.” Bård spoke a little louder and glanced at his brother, but got no response.

 

“Alright. I know this is a painful point for both of you, so we need to set some ground rules.” Dr. Thorsen’s voice was so peaceful and calm that it felt out of place in the room that was otherwise so highly charged with emotion. “The first is: no interrupting. When Vegard is reading his journal, all you are supposed to do is listen. Don’t plan the next thing you’ll say, just listen.”

 

“But what if he’s wrong about...”

 

Dr. Thorsen held his hand up. “Just listen, Bård.” He waited for a moment with the hope that both brothers were listening to him. This would never be successful without some ground rules. “Vegard, would you please continue?”

 

**_This afternoon I gave in to Mom and told her that she could invite Bård to come along to dinner tonight.  I actually began to look forward to seeing him and ..._ **

 

  
Vegard dropped the journal into his lap and complained. “Do I really have to read this?”

 

“No. But I think it might help.” Dr. Thorsen was doing his best to keep things moving in the right direction.

 

Bård was watching his brother intently, but Vegard was keeping his eyes on Dr. Thorsen or his journal. In fact, Vegard had barely looked at him since he’d arrived. His brother seemed to be making a point of avoiding any eye contact. Vegard didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to work on their relationship at all.

 

“Bård? Bård are you with us?”

 

Dr. Thorsen’s words interrupted Bård’s thoughts. He looked up and nodded.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Not trusting his voice, he nodded again.

 

“It will be your turn soon, alright?”

 

Dr. Thorsen was looking at him sympathetically. Without turning his head, he could tell that Vegard had just rolled his eyes.

 

“Vegard, would you keep reading?” Dr. Thorsen raised an eyebrow at the older of the two brothers indicating that the question was, in fact, rhetorical.

 

“Yeah, fine.”

 

 ** _... I actually began to look forward to seeing him and_** **_I thought maybe we could work things out, at least for a day or two, while our parents were here. But he didn’t come. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. He just blew it off. No call. No explanation. Bjarte didn't even seem to know what was going on._**

 

Bård kept his eyes down. They were beginning to sting and he had a lump growing in his throat.  This session wasn't supposed to go like this. He had been anticipating this session: what he would say, what Vegard might say, how the doctor would help them to really talk for once. it wasn't supposed to go like this. Not this time. Not with the doctor there.

 

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but didn’t you just say that he called to wish you happy birthday earlier that day?”

 

“Yeah. Maybe that should have been enough, huh? No reason to expect more from my little bro, right?”

 

Doctor Thorsen ignored Vegard's sarcasm and turned his attention to the younger brother.  “Why didn’t you go to dinner with them, Bård?”

 

Bård wished he could disappear. He wanted it so badly that he could picture himself, melting into his seat never to be heard from again. But there was no way out of this. He cleared his throat and spoke. “I get to speak now?” His voice was a shaky, raspy whisper and he wasn't sure if the doctor had even heard him.

 

“Yes.” Dr. Thorsen tipped his head with a half smile, until he realized that Bård wasn’t joking. “Yes. You get talk too. We need to talk about this.”

 

“I just… after the phone call… he wouldn’t talk to me… he didn’t say anything…”

 

“Why don’t you turn and speak to your brother?”

 

Bård stared at his hands. This was so hard. Why was it so hard to talk to Vegard? With effort he turned toward his brother and began. “You wouldn’t talk to me… I thought… I mean, I just didn’t think you really wanted me there, that’s all.” Vegard sat quietly while he spoke, his eyes directed at his lap. It was difficult to tell from his expression whether he was listening or not. “I didn’t want to ruin your birthday. I didn’t want… “ Bård’s voice broke and he paused as he tried to compose himself.

 

Vegard finally looked him in the eyes. “Why the fuck would you think that?”

 

Bård felt as if he'd just been slapped. "When I called, you barely said a word to me. I tried to talk to you.  You… you just grunted."

 

"Grunted!", huffed Vegard. “What was I supposed to say, ‘Thanks for your obligatory birthday phone call.’?”

 

"And you forgot to mention that you just let the phone ring the first few times I called.” Bård added this piece of information in a hurt whisper.

 

“I wasn't sure what to.. we hadn't spoken for weeks... I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to…” Vegard stopped mid-sentence, seeing the pained look on his brother’s face.

 

“See! You didn’t even want to talk to me. Why would I have thought that you wanted to see me when you didn’t even want to answer my phone calls?”

 

“It was my birthday! I mean, you couldn’t even put it aside for one day? Mom and Dad were here.”

 

“It’s not… it wasn't like that.”

 

“Well, what am I supposed to think? You kicked me out. After everything we’d been through. I would have thought you…”

 

“I didn’t kick you out!”

 

Vegard rolled his eyes. “What would you call it? An invitation to leave?”

 

“I didn’t say you should…”

 

“Of course you did! I asked you if I should stay and you said you didn’t fucking care!!”

 

“That’s not true. That’s not what I said.” Bård ’s voice felt so tight and his voice faded to a whisper.

 

“I was there! You think I don’t remember? I remember exactly what happened!”

 

“But, it’s not. I just said that you should decide.”

 

“How the hell is that different? You didn’t care, don’t pretend you did.” Vegard stood up and started pacing.

 

“Vegard. You need to sit down.” Dr. Thorsen made an effort to diffuse the situation.

 

“Why? This is fucking pointless.”

 

“You need to listen to your brother.”

 

“Listen to my brother!? That’s all I’ve done ever since this happened. I’ve tried to help him, but I guess he’d rather not have me around. So, fine. I left.” Vegard stopped pacing and turned to look straight at his brother.  “I don’t know why you’re acting like you didn’t want that. Are you trying to impress Dr. Thorsen?”

 

"Vegard! That is not ok. This is supposed to be a safe place to talk about things. I’m not going to let you attack Bård for sharing his feelings.” Noticing that Bård looked close to tears, Dr. Thorsen added, “Bård, it’s ok. We’re going to work this out.”

 

“No. Forget it. I can’t… not right now.” Vegard grabbed his jacket and exited the office.

 

“Vegard!” The doctor got up and followed Vegard out into the waiting room. Bård could hear Dr. Thorsen trying to reason with his brother and he could hear his brother practically shouting at the doctor, but he couldn’t really focus on any of the words. Vegard’s words of a moment ago kept replaying in his mind, “This is fucking pointless.”

 

His brother thought it was pointless to work on their relationship. Pointless! He’d been so afraid of losing his brother. He had felt the anger for months. And why not? He had ruined everything. He had ruined their career, he’d turned his brothers against each other, and now Vegard was just done. He’d seen it coming, but he still had to wonder exactly when he had lost his brother.

 

Dr. Thorsen came back into his office. “Bård. I’m so sorry that happened. This is supposed to be a safe place.”

 

Bård felt as if he were having an out of body experience. He heard the doctor, but he seemed so far away.

 

After a long pause, Dr. Thorsen spoke again. “I don’t want you to get discouraged. Your brother is obviously having a hard day today. This is just the same anger that he’s expressed before. You shouldn’t take it personally.”

 

He shouldn’t take it personally? Seriously? His brother hated him… he’d all but said that.

 

“Did you hear me?”

 

Nodding he made an effort to meet the doctor’s eyes. “I… I need to go.”

 

“I’d like you to stay. I think we should talk about what just happened.”

 

Perhaps Dr. Thorsen was right, but the pain in his chest was suffocating and he needed to get out of there.

 

“I… I really need to go.”  Bård stood up, grabbed his jacket and headed through the waiting room and outside into the spring air. It was warmer than it had been for weeks and, after what seemed like a month of cloudy days, it was sunny. He stood still and looked around. What was he supposed to do now? Calle had been able to bring him to his appointment, but he’d had plans and wasn’t able to bring him back home today. Vegard had agreed to give him a ride. It was an arrangement which Calle had obviously coerced him into. Not having any other choice, Bård decided to walk home.

 

At first, his mind was still back in the office. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Vegard had said: “How the hell is that different?”, “That’s all I've ever done since this happened!”,  “This is fucking pointless.” Every step he took felt like a step away from his old life. But then, the fresh air and the sun brought him to the present and made him more aware of his surroundings. He hadn’t walked alone out in public since the attack. He felt like everyone was staring at him. He remembered having those feelings other times, but he’d been with Vegard and his brother had known how to calm him down. It didn’t seem likely that he would have his brother with him any time soon. So he put his head down and kept walking.

* * *

 

“Dr. Thorsen…” Vegard had one hand on the doorframe as he poked his head into the office.

 

The doctor had been sitting at his desk, writing notes in a patient’s chart. He looked up, genuinely surprised. “Vegard! I’m glad you came back.”

 

“I got home and I remembered that I was supposed to be Bård’s ride.” Despite the circumstances, he was a little embarrassed about having left in a huff.

 

“Bård left shortly after you did.”

 

“Oh…” Not knowing what to say, he let the word hang in the air.

 

“I didn’t get a chance to talk to him about next week, but I think the three of us should meet again.”

 

“Because today’s session went so well?”

 

“I think you two still have a lot to talk about.”

 

“Yeah… well … I don’t know.”

 

“Would you please come in and sit down for a minute?” Dr. Thorsen extended his hand toward one of the chairs.

 

This was not what he had come back for. Vegard took a moment to consider his options, but then entered the office and sat down as he had been asked. “Am I going to get chewed out?”

 

“No, not at all.” Dr. Thorsen took a moment to get his thoughts together before he spoke. “You know, when I think of you and your brother, the first thing I think of is the love and concern that I see in each of you for one another.”

 

Vegard couldn’t seem to look away from his hands, but he let the words sink in.

 

“I know you’re angry right now, and that is perfectly legitimate, but I’m not sure that you really want to be aiming your anger at him. I don’t know what actually happened, but I do know that you two seem to have completely different versions of the events. I don’t think either of you are lying, so that means that one or both of you have misunderstood the other one.”

 

“So, what’s your point?” Vegard studied the doctor skeptically.

 

“My point is that your brother loves you. He’s devastated by this rift between the two of you. And I’m quite certain that you feel the same way.”

 

“I don’t know that he’s devastated.”

 

“He is.” The doctor stood up and walked a few steps toward the door to close it completely and then sat down on the front edge of his desk.

 

“Then why did he kick me out?”

 

“I’m going to propose an answer and I’d like you to try to consider it for a while before dismissing it.”

 

Dr. Thorsen seemed to be waiting for some sign of agreement, so Vegard nodded his head slightly.

 

“I don’t think he wanted you to leave.”

 

“Oh, come on!” That was ridiculous.

 

“Just hear me out. I thought you were going to consider it a bit longer than that.”

 

Vegard took a deep breath. He had agreed to that. “Ok. Fine.”

 

“Prior to you moving out, how do you suppose Bård thought you were doing?”

 

“Me? How I was doing?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“This is part of your argument?”

 

“Just humor me. Do you think he would have thought you were doing well, or could he see that you were having a hard time dealing with all these changes in your lives?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I think it makes a difference. Did he have a clue that you were upset by the TVNorge deal falling through?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Vegard shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I kind of blew up.”

 

“I know he’s been struggling, but has he ever told you that he was worried about you?”

 

“All the time. Those stupid dreams. He had them all the time for a while, and then they just stopped. I suppose you know about the dreams.”

 

“I’ve heard about them.”

 

Something about the doctor’s tone made Vegard wonder if the dreams actually had stopped. “He was always so worried about me after those dreams, and sometimes I wasn’t very nice to him about it.”

 

“Oh, really?”

 

“Yes,” Vegard replied impatiently. “I suppose you knew that, too.”

 

“Actually, he has rarely said anything of the sort about you.”

 

“I guess I have lost my temper more often than usual.” He looked at his hands and thought about the last few months. “Quite a bit more often. And I suppose Bård and Bjarte have taken the brunt of it.” After a few moments he made himself look up at the doctor.

 

“He cares about you. If he sees that you’re having a hard time, he going to want to help you. Is it possible that he thought you wanted to move out?”

 

“No! Fuck! I’d never said anything like that.”

 

“Or that he just thought you might feel better if you got away from him.”

 

“How could he think that?”

 

“I don’t know, but maybe he saw that you were hurting and he felt like he couldn’t help you, or that he was making it worse.”

 

“So, kicking me out was going to make me feel better?”

 

Dr. Thorsen sighed. “I’m saying that I think you two need to talk about it.”

 

Vegard let out a huge breath and closed his eyes. How could Bård have thought that?

 

“I know you care about your brother, you wouldn’t be here if you didn't. He cares about you, too.  I think if you're honest with yourself you know that's true.”

 

He did know that was true. He didn’t have to think very hard to come up with examples. Just the thought of it brought an uncomfortable wave of emotions. Bård had always looked out for him and, despite his public face, was the more sensitive of the two of them. “Did he go home?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Did he call someone… or a cab?”

 

“I’m really not sure. He left in a hurry.”

 

Maybe Dr. Thorsen was right. It wasn’t really like his brother to throw him out. Actually, it wasn’t like Bård at all. “I’ll… We’ll come back together next week.”

 

“Good. Should I call Bård?”

 

“No, I’ll tell him. I mean, I’ll ask him if he’s willing to come back.”

 

“Alright. Call me if he gives you any resistance and I’ll try to convince him.”

 

“Ok.” Vegard got up quickly and hurried to his car.

 

* * *

 

The fact that he had left Bård at Dr. Thorsen’s, without a ride home, made Vegard feel awful. His brother still hated being out in public. Bård had only recently agreed to go outside for walks and, even then, only if he or Bjarte were going along. Still, his brother must have walked home alone, because the only thing that seemed less probable was that he might have called a cab. The idea of Bård getting into a stranger’s vehicle alone seemed very unlikely.

 

Vegard pulled over in front of his brother’s house. He had hoped that he would find him on the way home, thinking that if he could “rescue” him with a ride, he could partially redeem himself from his hateful outburst during their session.

 

Jumping out of his car, he hurried up the short sidewalk to Bård’s house. Before Vegard reached the small front porch he caught sight of his brother’s green sneakers. Stepping a few steps closer, he was able to make out some blond hair on the head that was leaning against one of the porch columns. His brother was facing the house, his emerald shoes were nervously tapping.

 

“Err hmmm.” Vegard hoped that clearing his throat would be warning enough, but when Bård flinched at the sound he wished he’d made more noise sooner. “Sorry…  I thought you probably heard me drive up.”

 

“Uh… no.”

 

Bård ’s voice was raspy and when he turned his head, Vegard could see that he had been crying.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

Nodding Bård looked away.

 

Vegard waited for his brother to say something, but Bård remained silent. “Why are you sitting out here?”

 

“I forgot my house key,” he replied quietly.

 

An image of his brother during the attack flashed through Vegard's mind, and his stomach turned at the thought that something like that could have happened again. How could he have left his brother so vulnerable….. again? “Where’s Bjarte? Did you call Calle?” Vegard waited for an answer but his brother wouldn't look at him.  “Is anyone coming?”

 

“No.”

 

“I don't understand.  What were you going to…”

 

“I don’t know!!”

 

The response was so emotionally charged that Vegard understood it referred to more than the immediate problem of getting into the house. Vegard stood a few feet away, not sure if he should come any closer.

 

Bård added quietly, “You’re the only one with a spare key.” 

 

Vegard chuckled a little. “So were you going to call me or just take to living on the streets?” 

 

“The streets, I suppose.” Bård replied with forced levity.

 

“I didn’t mean to leave you there.” Vegard waited for some comment but Bård simply nodded. “I just forgot…”

 

Bård nodded again and spoke quietly, “It’s ok. I know Calle forced you into it anyway.”

 

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say he forced me.” It was true that he hadn’t wanted to give Bård a ride, he hadn’t really wanted to have the joint session either, but the hurt in his brother’s voice made him feel terribly guilty about it now. Vegard was at the steps now, only a few feet away from his brother. “I just… forgot. You should have called me. I would have come.”

 

Despite their recent difficulties in communicating, he had no trouble in understanding the skepticism of Bård’s sideways glance.

 

Vegard sat down on the top step, next to his brother. “I would have come,” he repeated, much more gently. Tentatively, he reached out and touched his brother’s arm.

 

“I know, but you’ve already been forced into enough on my account.”

 

Vegard swallowed hard. He knew very well that he had made his brother feel that way.  “Um… I spoke to Dr. Thorsen. He thinks we should try again next week”

 

Bård sat silently.

 

“ _I_ think we should try again.” Vegard added quietly.

 

Bård raised his head and looked at Vegard. His red rimmed eyes looked bright blue. “You do?”

 

Vegard nodded. Dr. Thorsen was right. This rift had devastated Bård just as much as it had himself. It hurt to see what his anger had done to his brother. Vegard pulled Bård into his arms and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry, Bård. I’m so sorry.”

 

"I'm sorry, too." Bård's words were muffled by Vegard's shoulder and a few tears.

 

The whole situation almost made Vegard lose it, but he decided that it would be better for both of them if he could avoid that. "Come on." Vegard stood up and offered his hand to his brother. "Let's go inside. You seem like you're cold."

 

"I'm ok." Bård answered softly.

 

"Let's go in anyway. I'll make some tea and we can talk for a while." 

 

Bård took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled to standing. 

 

Searching through his keys for the familiar gold one that worked in his brother's door, Vegard wondered aloud, "When will Bjarte be back?"

 

"Uhhh... I don't know." Bård felt a little foolish for lying, but he really didn't want to tell Vegard about Bjarte leaving. Not just yet, anyway. Vegard had been angry at him for so many weeks and he just wanted a little time where he could feel like everything was normal.

 

"Alright. It'll just be the two of us." Vegard unlocked the door and gently pushed Bård inside ahead of him. "How about a game of Cribbage? Are you ready to get beaten?"

 

"Why? Is someone else joining us?" Bård felt a gentle cuff on the back of his head and then heard his brother chuckling behind him as they continued into the kitchen. It surprised him to realize that he was chuckling too. He sat down at the table and watched Vegard begin to make their tea. For the moment, this felt good. Maybe everything was going to be alright after all.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose this could be the ending... but I don't think it is. I just thought that you lovely people deserved a chapter that ends happily for once. :-)
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is still reading this, and for comments and kudos. I really appreciate it. <3<3<3


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